Your preface was delectable. It definitely worked to bring me right into the story with drama, excitement and the promise of what's to come.
Favorite line.
The door to their bedroom stood wide open, enabling all the walls in the house to take part in the horrendous one-sided battle.
This line I thought was very clever as it opens a room in the psyche of the reader, especially if the reader has witnessed domestic violence before (as I have). Your personification of the walls in the house "taking part" in the act speaks volumes to how DV permeates the space in which it happens. Reading your words I can feel the fear and horror floating down the halls through the house as the walls bear witness to the evil that has possessed the house.
I like the effortless, easy way in which you write. It flows seamlessly without obstacles getting in the way of comprehension or connection with the reader
Suggestions/Observations
This could be made better by expanding it beyond your cocking the gun, and instead going all the way to the end of the episode. To do this I would consider continuing where you left off by adding a line you used in the intro (delete it from intro):
"Blow his mother fucking nuts off," my mother screamed.
This is a great line to begin going into the climax of the story and it saves this juicy tid-bit for later instead of giving it all to us in the intro (and that is a very juicy line). That line alone tells so much about your mother AND her relationship/parenting style with you. It's the kind of thing my own mother would have said but not every mother would.
After this you could go on and tell the story to its ending. If there was more dialog back and forth between you, your mother and Ken that would certainly be worth including instead of just telling the audience what happened.
You develop your character's despair very well and put the reader inside of her head. Her description of the houses worked to put the reader behind a depressed persons eyes. Had she not been depressed, she might have marveled at the craftsmanship on the eaves but true to depression, the flaws were more prominent to her.
I liked that she wasn't sitting in a hotel room or some other chosen, dark gloomy place contemplating the act...she was going about her day in a routine manner and matter-of-factly planning to end her life. People she encountered, and even her own husband were likely totally oblivious to her state of mind...this is very true to life
Thus folks are often "surprised" when the act of suicide is carried out.
Further regarding her state of mind I have a question about this line:
Escape was the only answer; and tomorrow, freedom would be hers.
I want to know why tomorrow? Why not today? Why not yesterday? If she has specifically chosen tomorrow there's a hole left for by not knowing why. Is the husband going on a trip? Is it her birthday? Answering this would give more dimension and connectedness between the reader and the character.
One thing got in my way regarding comprehension: Just as the baby is falling from the window you write:
[c:red}A crash sounded as the package dropped from Marilyn’s arms.
Since the baby is now falling I automatically assumed the "crash" to be the baby hitting the ground the way it is written. the confusion wasn't cleared up until the protaganist "reached heavenward" to catch the baby.
I found much great imagery and description in your details of the story that helped me experience the story vicariously.
the "pink pajama clad knee mounted the sill" was wonderful. lot's of stuff in there for the senses and emotions to work with: the sweet, tender, vulnerability of the baby is brought forth in the "pink pajama-cald knee" evoking protective emotions in this reader. "Watching" the baby "mount the sill" juxtaposes these soft emotions with emotions of fear, danger, anxiety. All together it produces great feeling.
Loved it, loved it loved it! Keep Writing!
DL Robinson
Thanks for the very first review of my poem "Smothered Dreams" ! Here's one for you.
*love*Your poem about this goldfish gives a vivid depiction of the feelings of loneliness and dissappointment.
I did have some confusion about the "her" that he sees. I thought it might be his owner passing by the bowl. I had to read it again and ascertained that you meant a figurine in the fish bowl. This was not obvious to me at first. Maybe you could add something that would make this clearer:
For instance, something like:
"All at once, he sees her; tall beautiful and ummoving, -- a leaf of sea weed dangling above her head."
OK, OK, this may not be the greatest writing but hopefully you get my point. Anything that would work to place the object of his desire in the tank with him.
Also the line " :yet something is new, different." I would consider removing. It takes the punch out of
"All at once, he sees her." You've prepared the reader for something about to change and denied the reader the chance of sharing the "all at once" suddeness of her appearance.
Thanks again for the reveiw! Keep Writing!
DL Robinson
I enjoyed this story from beginning to end. You successfully captivated my attention as little Rose came close to demise several times and was saved ,until her final destiny consumed her. This story is as cute and delicious as an M&M. I hope you had as much fun writing it as I did reading.
Such passion and a range of emotions expressed poignantly!
What I liked
You did an excellent job with personification of the guitar. This is so well-done that I felt sympathy for the guitar waiting to be seen, and then being cast away while the author pursued a lover, only to be sought again for comfort.
My favorite, favorite lines:
Forgive me,
I've left you
To play a lover...
and
Until night creeps inside
My naked skin
And I remember, I'm alone again
The above lines are a most chilling description of loneliness that goes bone deep. The imagery here is fantastic.
You have a wonderful story developing here. I read both, the prologue and the first chapter. It's interesting, dialogue realistic, characters outlined well, good plot. This is not one of my preferred genres -- mystery, murders, detectives and all that.
However, while this is the bones of story, the fabulous way in which you are developing the main characters and their relationship give it another level on which to appeal to the reader.
If you're serious about getting this one out there, I would definitely come up with a more creative title for a book. I love coming up with titles. Feel free to shoot a couple at me and I'll tell you what I think.
Don't leave this one in the box in the closet. Finish it up, get it to an editor and publish!
Hi Tim:
Thanks for your review of "The Big Lie" and here's one for you.
*thumsup*What I like:
I think you've described an interesting scene of two ex-lovers together again after time has passed, but the current of passion is still strong.
Ideas/Suggestions:
I think this would be a great shortstory, describing this one day in these two people's lives...I don't think the format you have written this in allows it the freedom to reach it's full potential.
Here's a little teaser to get your Creative juices flowing:
It had been three years since we spoke. I had no idea what to expect walking up the cobblestoned path to her door. As she stood in the doorway, the tearful joy in her face whispered to me, She's been waiting....
I know from your port your a poetry writer. This might stretch you a bit, but it could be fun!
Thanks for your review of my poem "The Big Lie" and here's one for you.
What I liked:
This is thought provoking in terms of how an ethic group may have differences within the group in defining who they are, or how they perceive themselves.
My favorite, favorite line:
You're too white to be black and too black to be white.
Ideas/Suggestions/Corrections:
No she did not just give me this Sambo!
*This line confused me until I realized it was a thought and not part of the text of the story. Since this is a thought I would tell the reader this and also use italics to emphasize the way this exclamation is often used in the black community
(I would also add "Oh" for this purpose)
Oh,no she did not just give me this Sambo! I thought to myself.
They had big red lips
*Your referring to the statue as "they"; should be "It"
*There were several technical errors like punctuation errors, and sentence fragments but I don't do that stuff
*The tag you put on this story was "sometimes we hide from who we really are." Do you mean that "Sambo" is who you really are? That's at least to me the way it sounds. It's unclear here who's hiding from what, so I wasn't sure.
Thanks again for the review, Keep Writing!
D.L. Robinson
Thank you so much for your review of my short story "Invalid Item" and here's a review for you.
What I liked:
I was so touched by this personal letter you wrote to God and Mama Mary. The emotion was almost overwhelming as I felt the love, humility and faith that you expressed. I am a spiritual person and I believe who we pray to with loving thoughts is less important than the honesty and integrity of our prayers. When the objective behind prayer is love, peace and goodness for all we are connected on one accord with others of like mind and spirit. So, although I don't pray to Mama Mary, your prayer was received by me.
The spirit of this letter was too powerful for me to bother with topical things although there were technical writing errors. I rated this solely on the blessed delivery in which you were able to depart such pure love...perfect.
You have a great opening paragraph. It sets up your story and peaks the reader's interest with the promise of an explanation of a most unusual event.
You used vivid imagery and a heaping amount of creativity in creating this imaginative story.
I really liked the beach scene with the old lady particularly because of the imagery in which you described that encounter. For instance:
Although the beach was packed with bathers, I didn’t know it until the purse slammed into my back.
This image has a powerful impact (no pun intended) providing a tactile sensation that connects strongly.
And then the purse swinging coinciding with a barrage of words was excellent for audio and visual in one punch.
The purse felt like it was swinging at me from every direction at once powered by the barrage of her words.
Plus,this whole episode was very humorous. A laugh out loud moment.
Technical issues: with an infant in wrapped my arms
You transposed words here. Try: with an infant wrapped in my arms
word left out: That should be clear to anyone willingto open their eyes.
Mr. Renquist, my lawyer, insists that I write down what happened sothat it might be used as evidence for the jury to read.
The way the above was written the word "so" implied the meaning associated with "because." By adding "that" the sentence and meaning is clearer.
I was returning from my lunch break, about to turn the corner (of)at 5th street...
Changing "of" to "at" reads better here.
The following you wrote as a thought. I find it helps to set thoughts out from regular text or dialog with italics, to help the reader make the transition to thought with you. I added them here to your exact words:
My next forty steps: around the corner, past the three fenced gardens with the three concrete paths leading to three closed doors, my receptionist’s shiny desk, the empty hallway leading to my office door, third on the left; these next forty steps held all my failures primed in inside me...
Beginning with "these" the italics stopped because you are back into the narrative. However I would make this a new sentence and rewrite as such:
...left. These next forty steps held all my failures primed (in) inside of me...
By the time I reached the sand my lungs were fire and my shirt was soaked with sweat but the breeze blew in over the water and the light shimmered from the rippling surface of Excelsior Bay.
Lot's of good imagery and information but the long sentence let's out some of the steam. How about:
By the time I reached the sand my lungs were fire and my shirt was soaked with sweat(;) but the breeze blew in over the water (while) the light shimmered from the rippling surface of Excelsior Bay.
Overall
Very imaginative and engaging story. I enjoyed it for reasons mentioned. However, I think it could use another draft looking for more of what I've pointed out and clarity in some instances.
My favorite, favorite line:
...and now, when I so desperately wanted to get out, now finally God was there paying attention to me, blocking my way.
Thanks for writing this story. You are so right. Downn's children are very special indeed. I know, because I have a brother with Down's Syndrome. More importantly, you have touched me with the way you've shown how accepting children are until the adults in their lives teach them prejudice.
Fallon is a very special child herself, who was obviously raised well and you must have been very proud of her.
Ideas/Suggestions
I think it would be better to omit the explanation beforehand that Jimmy has Down's Syndrome. The story would be more appealing and more educational if you allowed Fallon to notice the differences that Jimmy has, and then explain to her what it is. For instance, when she was telling her dad about Jimmy she might have said:
"Jimmy has blue eyes just like mine except his eyes are made different."
And somewhere else in the story:
"I have a little trouble understanding what Jimmy is saying sometimes but then I ask him to say it again and I understand. Sometimes he has to say it two times."
And then again:
"Jimmy fell down a lot when he was skating but I kept helping him until he learned how to do it!"
I'm thinking in terms of the stories appeal to children and the great educational aspects. If Fallon is noticing the differences AND accepting them then that teaches other children who may read the story that they can do this too. I would suggest interweaving explanations by the adults throughout the story as Fallon is noticing the differences on her own.
Thanks for your review of my item "Invalid Item" and here's one for you!
What I liked:
I found this to be very uplifting and it left me with a "feel good" feeling when Hope found Faith and Charity and gave Dispair the boot! This is a creative personification of the struggles that exist within our psyches/souls that most anyone can relate to.
This little piece was very amusing.
All the foreshadowing clues were fun to go back and look at after reading the whole thing.
If you were going to expand this, this could be made more interesting by including more such "clues" without telling the ending so that the reader is even more surprised.
Favorite lines:
I think at first she was terrified, but then finally she just kind of gave up
It is over and there is a kind of finality about it.
You have a creative and interesting plot. It's incredible without being unbelievable.
Suggestions:
The story gives itself to the title "The Lost and Found Box" or simply "Lost and Found" since it would be a nice play on the fact that Amber is "lost and found" as well.
There were several punctuation errrors but the most prominent was the use of commas where a sentence should have been ended and a new one started. A couple examples of this:
She always looked on Friday, it was part of her routine as she cleaned the library.
She always looked on Fridays. It was part of her routine as she cleaned the library.
She was always amazed by the variety of things people would lose and subsequently come looking for. Sometimes she was more surprised that (someone) would even bother to look for some things that she (had seen) in the box, like the old bookmark with the frayed ribbon an elderly lady (seemed so) grateful to have returned to her
Whew!!
She was always amazed by the variety of things people would lose and subsequently, come looking for.
Sometimes she was more surprised that (anyone) would even bother to look for some (of the) things she (saw)in the box--like the old bookmark with the frayed ribbon and elderly lady (was) so grateful to have returned to her.
I know you were writing with a word limit but the story is rushed at the end and unbelievable. These matters tend to take longer to research. If for some reason, there were exceptional circumstances that decreased the search time, this should be introduced into the story for more credibility.
Characters could be fleshed out more. I get a half picture of Amber but hardly nothing of Evelyn. The characters are really what should reach out and grab you, pulling you into the story.
Overall:
Aside from punctuation errors and sometimes using more words than necessary, the actual structure of the story was good,until you speeded up at the end.
Your writing here portrays well the warmth, and gratuitious nature of creation.
I think the title is well chosen since the title "Lady" inspires respect and adoration with regard to what is meant when one is referred to as "a lady." And I think this poem is precisely about respect and adoration for nature.
I enjoyed the images of:
With strokes of softest green,
she lays the landscape with love, and
Golden sunlight, tinged with pink,
she sets afire the seas.
I would suggest adding a couple more stanzas giving more of this since it's pleasurable to read and would also project your image of "the lady" being the greatest artist of them all
Thanks for your review of my poem "My Tears, My Love" , and here's one for you!
Overall:
I get where you were trying to go but this piece did not quite take me there. The poem opens softly and sensually,
Like a soft wind whisper
You reach inside my soul
But then it takes a sharp turn with a rather heavy image:
Like a thick fog vapor
My heart in your control
So I felt like I was stroked then slapped. "Thick fog vapor" is just not romantic and does not conjure images of love and airiness like the first two lines do. Additionally, it did not make sense with the line that followed. It's not clear what you mean by this comparison.
In the next verse you start with:
As with soft monarch wings
"As with" is a stumbling block here as it makes the reading clumsy and breaks the connection with the reader. I would try this line without it and start with the word "With."
The third line in this verse:
With words like swallows sing
evokes a beautiful thought but it is grammatically incorrect and needs to be reworded. It suggests that sparrows use words the way it is written. I tried to think of how to do this, and stay true to what I thought you were trying to relay, but couldn't come up with anything. You might want to play with it and see if it can be better said.
The next verse is actually my favorite. I like the image of ivy hung loosely about the neck, unclasped as a representation of a love that needs no binds:
Necklace like ivy vine
I'm softly in your grasp
Freely, no need to bind
For sweet love is the clasp
However, again the arrangement of words is troublesome. I came up with two possibilities:
change the first line to read:
"Like a necklace of ivy vine..."
or my personal favorite:
"I'm a necklace of ivy vine,
softly in your grasp..."
Lastly, the word "soft" or a variation of it was used in every verse. A bit more creativity with language could make this more interesting.
I would love to read a rewrite of this if you decide to implement any changes.
Hello Sonofdrogo:
Thank you for your review of my poem "Here I Go Again" and now here's one for you!
Ahh, sweet serenity...
What I liked:
This poem has such a soothing, lulling, caressing effect on the emotions. It feels almost erotic to me, the sensual way that you have captured the lure of nature.
My favorite, favorite lines:
I love the juxtaposition of these two lines and the way they play on each other...
And though this fallen world is steeped in night,
The trees are bathed in sanctifying light
*ideas* I would suggest putting spaces between the stanzas for easier reading and comprehension and digestion of each tasty morsel.
Thanks for your review of my "Here I Go Again" and now here's one for you.
I read several of your poems before deciding to review this one. The emotion in this poem is very prominent, raw and real. You were writing from the heart and it is obvious.
The timing and meter of the poem could be tighter in places so that it reads with more flow.
Favorite part:
When I wake up it's your face I see and as I close my eyes to sleep(;),it's you that I will dream about.
This is a very soft, sentimental touch that expresses immediately how much the author is consumed by his love, and this theme of total consumption runs throughout the poem as you build on this original thought.
Glad to have you here at WDC! Drop by and visit me anytime or send something my way you'd like me to look at.
Hi Richard: Thank you for reviewing my item "Rules To Live By" , now here's a review for you!
What I liked:
First off I have to say, the title did not stir me because it just sounds like another poem about death. However, the descriptor you used caught my attention: "sights, sounds, and experiences as death arrives."
Now here's something to look at, I thought. The "experience" of dying is something that intrigues us all because none of us can know it while we're living. You might consider a title that eludes to the tantalizing mystery you're about to share.
Favorite lines:
A sympathetic sunset bleeds into a velvet sky.
This line captured for me the overwhelming sadness of the moment...the sun is bleeding (crying) all over the sky; such beauty of words and imagery.
What’s left of day hangs just out of reach.
This captures the imminence of death so near...the poor soul will not even make it to the end of the day.
Suggestions
But I know it’s time!
This line does a grave injustice here. The first line (Still I am, I think...) was like ease dropping on the weak, inner mumblings of a dying man, and holding my breath to hear more...But then the trance is broken as I'm thrust out of his heart and soul into his rational and stoic mind. This line was a deal breaker. Try it without and see what you think. Also, it takes us to the end "it's time" much too quickly and weakens the more well-placed "Come upon me now" which announces the moment, the end, beautifully.
Special scenes…
Special souls…
Using "special" here in both instances was like eating Chee-tos. It fills the spot but you still haven't really eaten anything. "Special" is generic and can mean too many things, so you still haven't told us anything about the "scenes" or the "souls" that this dying person sees. I would use words here that describe the "special" aspect being implied.
The world just turns off the lights and
The angels sleep at last…
Perhaps my favorite favorite line. a very soothing, warm, fuzzy ending. It felt good to know, like people often say when someone dies, "at least he's not in any pain anymore."
Hi Spidey: Thanks for gp's and now here's a review for you!
What I liked
You chose a title with a hook that caught my attention. The title suggests conflict or dissension, and unlike a title that simply acts as a header, this one actually eludes to the emotion and mood of the main character (I think the value of titles is often overlooked so I give kudos to ones that work).
The opening line alone sets up a solid base for characterization...I know right away, she is pining for his attention and he is aloof. Following this with "I liked him intensely," seals the dynamics of the relationship steadfastly. (This is cleverly done here since you only have 55words to tell the story).
In the next two paragraphs the heaviness of boredom and frustration the main character is experiencing is relayed very well with her actions..."Inhaling dramatically, exhaling heavily..." and other words chosen like "reclined" and "sighed". In addition, Ian's inert indifference contrasts nicely with her restlessness and is equally portrayed well by your word choices..."sitting", "thinking," "idle."
All of this works beautifully together to create a tableau of the dance going on between the characters in this place in time.
As I read I can feel the stiffness in the air and the pregnancy of the moment with it's mounting tension. And then there is the release. She "flipped" and invaded his space bringing things to a head and the story to a tidy climax.
I like the way you bring the story to this crescendo, and then like a wave receding, you ease it back down to a place of tranquility as she resigns and decides "Ian didn't mind. Neither did I."
Suggestions
None. I wouldn't change a thing
Overall Impression
You captured quite a bit in very few words. Characterization, mood, relationship dynamics, setting and imagery("raining", "daylight dwindling", Ian "whistling"). Very nicely done. Pleasurable read. Almost wish it was longer, but then the length limitation and what you do with it is a large part of the appeal
This is thought-provoking. I believe the bible, as is the universe, is full of mysteries that must be decoded...the work of decoding is done to earn the right to the knowledge. Sort of like the Kung-Fu guy having to go through all those rites of passage before he could achieve enlightenment. It's the search (the tests/rites of passage) that prepares you to receive the knowledge.
You just gave me another test, another code to crack...the understanding of dust in the whole scheme. There is a reason that we are said to be made of dust, and not air or water for instance. Each bit of info, gets us closer to the whole truth.
You got me thinking, like your narrator got Ronnie thinking, about dust. In that sense, this piece hit its mark.
Keep Writing!!
In just a few words you have given a view of the "other side"; the part of our lives, our streets, our world that many people want to ignore. I don't come from Picadilly Park, but even I would be freaked if I came across a dead body on the street...yet I know there are places where evenchildren see this so often that it no longer phases them.
Suggestions to fix a few technical errors:
In my life you either excel at it or die, it’s as simple as that.
You might make this two sentences: (...die. It's as simple as that.)
I am the predator, they are my prey, I can never let them forget that.
Same thing here: (...prey. I can never let them forget that.)
homeless sleeping in doorways
I would either add "people" here(...homeless people sleeping...)or personify "homeless" making it something like "homelessness crouched in doorways."
You are in present tense up to the paragraph that begins with I cut down an alley then you switch to past tense in the next paragraph starting with I stopped abruptly
a brown paper sack near her spilled out the wrinkled fruit and loaf of day old bread
POV (point of view) is off here. You, the narrator is describing the bread as day old. While the old lady might know that, you wouldn't
Favorite Line: There was no honour in her death. She’d broken no code.
Overall
This piece is insightful and gives the reader cause to pause and reflect on social ills we tend to not want to look at. There were several punctuation errors that interrupted the flow and delivery of the story.
Keep Writing!!
D.L. Robinson
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What I liked:
Suggestions/Observations
Hope to read more of your stuff! Keep it up!
Keep Writing!
You have a great opening paragraph. It sets up your story and peaks the reader's interest with the promise of an explanation of a most unusual event.
You used vivid imagery and a heaping amount of creativity in creating this imaginative story.
I really liked the beach scene with the old lady particularly because of the imagery in which you described that encounter. For instance:
Overall
Overall:
Overall Impression
Overall Impression
You are in present tense up to the paragraph that begins with I cut down an alley then you switch to past tense in the next paragraph starting with I stopped abruptly