I read this piece more than once, it is very nice. I especially like the last stanza, which brought to my mind homeless, street people in New York City, where office workers come and go, most often never looking toward them, just as our society views everything and everyone as "disposable".
A few suggestions though:
"the Bobcat and Grisly bear." You may want to delete "the".
"nor recognized the ground." You may want to consider using "recognize" instead.
This was very enjoyable to read, and I like the topic (a moment), which is not something many people reflect upon often. You expression is nice & clear.
Suggestions:
"you better hold it tight" or "you need to hold it tight"
"My moment would not ever know,"
this line seemed to be slightly cumbersome while reading, but not bad.
This is really nice! And I appreciate it all the more since I am a gardener.
I think the word "eves" should be spelled "eaves".
(The rain is dripping from my eves)
The only thing that would make this piece more interesting would be to become more descriptive, more imaging, more photographic. Other than that, it is reaaly sweet.
Good for you! I think this country and the world needs to become much more aware of mental illnesses, and methods to treat them.
I have had family members who have had such illnesses, which I have never felt were a disgrace or anything unusual, just an illness, like any other.
My nephew was bi-polar, and my fathers mother was paranoid/psychotic/schizphrenic, or some combination thereof, she was institutionalized.
I met her only once when my father took me there to meet her. I loved her then, and I love her now.
This was an interesting explanation of the peoples of this region, and how they are effected by civil as well as religious laws. I am not Muslim, but was raised very conservatively. The concept of
"Islam Hadhari", or civilisational Islam that you mention here sounds to me like it may be a good way to temper ancient religious rules, although I think a person who wants to change their religion should be free to do so. Here, in the United States, Social Conservatives are gaining more influence, but as you look carefully at what they are attempting, they want to install their religious beliefs into the political system, and reduce personal freedoms of individuals. To them, Christianity is the only true religion and they are intolerant toward others with differing views. I believe in total separation of church & state. Your article could be improved upon by making it flow more, since it sounds a little "cut & dry", a little too factual. But it is interesting.
I love the way you wrote this! It feels so direct.
I have an overall understanding of what I believe you are conveying in meaning, but I would love it if you would be kind enough to elaborate on it by message, so I can reread it again. Thanks so much.
This was a very nice read! I like the message you are conveying, it is very "down to earth".
Your theme of unification and love is very important, and every piece such as this one will hpoefully help advance, at least a little, the cause of fairness and morality toward all mankind. May we all pursue peace, not war.
You are right about that!!
This site is so different and you do meet great people here, some write well, others do not, but my contact with others since I joined in December has been inspiring and positive.
I read this piece a few times and appreciate the chance to read what you ahve written.
I think you could do much better with this story.
I suppose Eddie is a hit-man, but the story line does not make this very clear.
Many people may not enjoy reading about someone who is coughing and drooling all over himself, regardless of the type of story.
I am not being critical, just helpful and I hope you read this review in that vein.
I believe you can do much better than this and all you need to do is check around and find other approaches.
Hello! This piece is interesting, however, I believe it could be improved upon. You may want to try to convey your message more directly, and visually improve the piece.
For example:
Hope your holidays bring you a "gift"
of future prosperity
abundant with a generous amount
of good tidings and cheer
which are necessary for a happy, healthy "present"
2nd paragraph? I'm not sure what you are trying to convey here.
Connecting by giving creates
the momentum of "love"
which is the most
necessary invention there is
This is a beautifully written and sad story which I enjoyed reading a few times.
I cannot say it needs improvement. I like the brevity of it and the impactful message it conveys. Althoough controversial in nature, it is touching and warm. Thank you for writing.
I really like this story you wrote. It conveys such warmth and gentleness.
I especially like the transition from the Nursing home to earlier days, and the way you developed that area in progression.
Your descriptions concerning your father conveys kindness and sensitivity for the elderly who become dependent upon others almost if not entirely. The transition from a vibrant to a frail person seems well thought out here, no doubt based on experience.
I like this, and your words seem well chosen.
Just a thought, the linear structure could be softened. For example,it would flow nicely something like this:
"I am original hue, splashes of blue, unique and serene, the softness of green" in that style.
In my humble opinion, this is just wonderful! Why, you may ask? I love the brevity, conciseness and impact of its meaning, what is is telling me.
I was bred on long, tedious novels (although a few I chose for myself I love, such as Thomas Hardy and Somerset Maughm.
Crime & Punishment, as well as A Good Soldier I detested.
Please keep writing in a short, succinct manner with lots of condensed meaning. I just love that style of writing.
You just reviewed an item of mine and I almost always look at that persons portfolio.
This poem seems very well written with its flow and timing. I cannot say anything corrective (assuming that may be needed) because I do not have the appropriate background to correctly do that.
Overall it is very enjoyable and professionally written. However, I have studied literature and poetry and used to read great novels and short stories, so I probably have a clue as to what is good and what is not. I hope is is not biographical though.
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