Is this a story base on history or is it a true story.I'm not sure. I'm guessing its real because it was for history class. I think its important to protect the ones you love. And caring about others is what made America great so long ago.
Suggestion:
The last line makes it seem the war as over quickly, in the same day.
Finally when the gunfire and smoke subsided the british men were retreating. The sound of cheering families filled the fields and the country was free from Britain's grasp
"When the gunfire and smoke subsided you heard the sounds of cheering families filled the fields of the country as they watch the British retreat, a small victory with more to come."
He farmer that lived in the small home on a hill was a 47 year old man named Douglas.
"Douglas, 47 lived in the small house on the hill"
I would make a new paragraph starting here:
"He followed in his father’s footsteps as a farmer"
I think this is interseting that a small farmer would end up in the history books.
Was this meant as a joke? It seems written as a joke because of that pond at the end.
Which, begs the questions are you white or black? (DON'T ANSWER THAT).
It shouldn't matter, thought it does seems there is a differences between talking bad about a different race and taking bad about your race. Why is that? Not sure about it myself. Maybe its because there is no judgement. It could be because you might be implying that you are better than they are because of your race. And if its your own race, you just agreeing that you to are that bad—We all in it together.
One clue that the lady was black should have been that she said "black American" first. She left off Amercan from white. Unless you didn't mean to write it like that. I imagine most people would ask that question starting with their own race. Some whites may identify themselves as American, while not acknowledging other races are also American. Maybe they don't mean to.
Over course I don't think I remember hearing anyone say are you a white American—just are you white. I would assume by saying your white you are also am American (if you are living in American). Why would you need to add American after black or white if you are living in American.? You have to be american.
And this could be used as the scene to grab people into reading the book.
Questions.
Did his friend die?
What lead up to this story?
What is going to happen next?
What happen 3 years ago that turn him to gambling?
What I'm not sure about is did his wife leave him or is he afraid that will happen.?
Or did he kill himself? I had to read it a second time. That part needs to be more clear.
Other suggestion:
Maybe he runs thinking his friend had die, but the police come in time and save him.
Maybe he dies and he gets into deeper trouble leading to his death: maybe by police, suicide, or 3 party.
Maybe he gets in trouble with load shark or underground gambling.
Other questions:
Why would he be afraid to tell his wife?
Would his wife be there for him and help him with his problem if he just admitted he need help?
This story is interesting how one decision can change your live. How you can let fear control you. Let fear make your decisions for you. He gamble trying to win back money he knew he would not win. He deceived to rob someone without thinking it through and ended up killing him or himself.
Interesting. I take it you are talking about shoes. It didn't take me long to figure out you are talking about shoes. One thing I notice is you never mention the twin. Shoes always comes in pairs (most of the time). So there needs to be a twin aspect to the story (in my opinion). Maybe just a brief mention of his/her/it.
I think you can expand this story. Maybe include how sometimes shoes for women are only used for special occasions. (Just an idea/suggestion)
Or tell a story or a pair of shoes. This could be the introduction to the story. Maybe it will lead to the dreams being fulfilled. Or some kind of agreement with the human kind.
I'm not sure of the metaphoric meaning of this story (unless it doesn't have one). Maybe, it has to do with how people take for granted all the thing we have. We, sometimes forget, that there are people out there that do not have the same basic things we have: A roof over our heads, food to eat, clothes and shoes to wear.
We don't give it a second thought, and just expect it will always be there. We forget how blessed we are. How we should give thanks to God for all we have. Like with Shoes. There are people that do not have shoes and have to walk barefooted.
One thing I will change is to format this story into paragraphs. Its difficult to read in this current format. After so many lines its hard to go to the next line quickly because there are to many lines.
Read again. This version is much better than the 1st one I read. Its a more rounded, and detail chapter. Its more obvious that Toby and Ellie are going to develop some time of relationship.
I see that its more clean that Toby is not from Colombia, and the reason that Ellie and they are sharing a hotel is because his old partner had to drop out because of a blocking arm. This suggest that in Colombia that the boarding rules (in contest) are loose. (Or maybe in the UK they don't care either).
Is more clear of the rivalry between Roary McKenna and Ellie. It seems you as a writer are waiting later to reveal more about this bet that got her into this mess. I guess it involves Roary and her stubbornness and pride. Also after rereading it I read somthing I miss the 1st time about Ellie's sister. So, if she losses this race, then her sister would be allowed to move in with him. And she does not want her sister involved with this dirty filthy man. This may be apart of the rivalry between the two.
I see this story main plot being about Ellie and Toby falling in love as they get lost in the Jungle (A fast paced race around South America takes one pair off course). Being that this is rated E, I'm going to assume that you are going to keep the sex reference to a minime. Which, I prefer as a reader.
I'm also going to guess she is about the same age as you are. You Bio is not set up in your profile, so I'm not sure of your age, however writers sometimes write main character around their own age. If I was to take a guess, I would say Ellie is in her late 20s, early 30s.
The thought of accidentally-on-purpose not signing something crossed her mind, but McKenna was persistently over her shoulder the whole time making damn sure that she crossed all of the Ts and dotted all of the Is.
This sentence still seems out of flow. The other sentence in the story seems fine. Maybe the context makes better since in England then in the US. However, I'm going to guess that she didn't think that accidents would happen till they asked her to since a waiver. Or maybe it saying that thinking of accidents on purpose makes her hesitant in signing the document.
After reading Chapter 2 I learn a few things. One Toby is a native of Colombia, and this is some type of race through the jungle. Also Chalky is a no good cheat and would probably do something that might put Ellie and Toby in danger.
And I think that Ellie and Toby might end up together, but that's my romantic side; always hoping the right people end up together.
Not sure what you mean by "This is not a chapter in the traditional sense. It is a part of a fast-paced short story"
Short stories are usually fast pace.
Good second chapter. But for a fast paced story Ellie still has not started the race. And there are still some unanswered questions. Which is good, it keeps the reader reading.
It is a interesting story. I have a few questions. Unless you going to answer them in another chapters.
What is this challenge? Why is Toby and Ellie in the same room. Usually organizations running contests don't allow coed roommates unless they are married? Does Toby live in Colombia? Toby is a doctor on call. So why is he on call if he is part of the challenge, or if he doesn't live in Colombia.
Number 1: Did not understand this statement. I would consider revising. Number 2: I would suggest not using curse words in the narrative itself. In the dialog maybe, but the narrator should try to avoid using curse words. Number 2: It should be organizer not organiser.
1: The thought of accidentally-on-purpose not signing something crossed her mind, but McKenna was persistently over her shoulder the whole time.
2: “Are you my partner? I’m supposed to be finding out who is...” Hell, she had no idea how it worked – was she supposed to find the organiser of the race and ask?
I like the story overall. You have Ellie who doesn't want to be there, and she is paired with this guy we know very little about. If fact we know very little about both characters. I don't know if they are married or not; what Ellie does for a living; or what there ages are. However, future chapters should reveal that information.
I like your post. Here is two other verses that could help you. I thought of them as I read your post. So enjoy them.
Psalm 118:24 NLV
"This is the day that the Lord has made. Let us be full of joy and be glad in it"
I like the way this version says it: "Let us" Like we should be full of joy every day; that we are able to be full of Joy every day. God gives us joy for each day. Because God is with us always teaching and guiding us.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
This one is one of my favorites. God has a special plan for you. And its the best plan.
All wisdom comes from God, so it shouldn't matter if the group leader is the youngest. However, it should be that the elder should have knowledge to pass down. I think that is what the verse was talking about. The elders give every knowledge they have to the young generation so they can add to what God reveals to this generation. Each generation should be gaining wisdom from the Holy Spirit, as God reveals it, and passing it on to the next generation. And even teaching the previous generation what they have learn. We need to be growing always in every way.
I agree there is a God. I believe that some of what you wrote came out of Psalm.
---------------------------------------------- Everything around us tells us so
There is a God
Looking at the way the atom is built
To the smallest of creatures.
How did the writing make you feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
Once I read it out loud there is an emotional reaction:
Foolish humans who self deceived their self
they choose to be stubborn and live their own way.
O what destruction of their own doing,
not God's, is coming their way.
Can you relate to the writing through a personal experience?
Yes, Its like in Jeremiah. The Israel people were warned over and over to follow God, but they choose their own plan and lots of avoided hardship came their way.
What did you like most?
I like the first part. Maybe a free more sections of proclaiming who God is. Three should do it. EX. Trees, sea, insects.
What did you like least?
Its to short.
Did anything stand out?
God is Trust
Is there anything you would change within the writing?
the last part. I would remove the 1st line.
If that is so, Then why can’t you control the circumstances that come your way? You can not control your circumstances, Or the forces that work together to make life difficult. Or work all things to your Good
Whatever you believe, it makes no difference, Because He does exists and that is the Ultimate Truth And that is Truth
Was the writing memorable? Why or why not?
Bullet* If this were your own writing, what would you want to know from a reviewer?
I hope this is helpful. I did not mean to answer with poem but when I was editing my review it just came out. Hope it help in some way.
I edit the last part, just an idea. Hope I didn't offend you. I know that I not big on my working being change. So its more of a suggestion.
I said and that is Truth without the because I was saying that God = Truth. Its the one and the same.
Let me know if this was helpful. It hard to comment on poems.
1 1st Soul and Spirit are two different things. Soul is your "mind, will, and emotion" that is what is referred to as the flesh by Paul. Your spirit that is what is reborn and is now like God's Spirit.
2 You have the same Spiritual DNA as God.
3 If you are Save by the blood you are no longer a sinner.
4 If you Save then when God looks at you He see Jesus, not your sins.
"When emotions run high and touch the sky; The baptism of rain begins washing away sins"
This was repeated many times. So its the most important part of the poem. I think it is talking about when someone finally admits to God that they need him and accepts Jesus as Lord and Savior, then they are baptized into the body of Christ.
Our hearts have drawn near, giving way to the fear
Not sure what that means. I think its saying that we are drawing near to God with the 'fear of the lord" which means to respect and know that God is God. Not fear as in your afraid of something bad happening. Because that fear comes from the devil. And God says fear not.
I think the poem overall is saying that at some point you need to go to God for your salvation and receive your forgiveness of sins (that actually happen when Jesus died on the cross, not when you receive Jesus into your heart)
This is a very interesting 1st chapter. The names are interesting Robin and Phoenix. I thought from the beginning that these characters may not be human base on there dialog. Plus I went back and realize that this word was use "swooped". I got to the end of the chapter and I do believe they are some type of humans with wings. It reminds me of hankman on the Justice League.
The way you wrote this chapter was good. Even had some good foreshadowing. Though your chapter names could give away what is about to happen. Base on the chapter names and this chapter I think that someone consequence, mostly Robin's being as curious as she is leads to someone's capture. Maybe her's.
Good foreshadowing:
1 You should know that someone here might be able to sense you. What will happen if they find out about us?”
2 Some actually are able to see us,
3 They aren't supposed to be able to see us!
4 What would happen if these people kidnapped you?
Like all writing it can always be improved. You should make it more clear what the gender are. I saw the pronoun her used near the end. And I had to go back and find them. Maybe its just me, but I didn't notice that, even though I did think Robin was a girl.
Also if this 1st person or 3rd person. I think its 3st person. So you should edit "Robin's view" unless your writing it in first person from her point of review. If it's just 3rd person then readers will know who the narrator's main subject is.
Other all I think it is a good start. I want to read more. A story about an upper species and the humans that can not get their act together. It seems Robin is going to be interacting with this humans and it will lead to consequences that she was warned about. Base on outward sources I would guess that the humans do not like this upper species and might try to attack them or blame them for their problems.
How did the writing make you feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
I am curious myself. I just hope its finished it.
Can you relate to the writing through a personal experience?
No, but I think I understand what is going on. That this story is a medorfor about how humans still have much to learn. Or this birded species are suppose to represent what humans can be. But I only read the 1st chapter.
Did the plot interest you? Were the characters believable? Did the dialog flow naturally?
Yes this is a good plot and it does interest me. I look forward to reading the rest. I think the characters are believed. We have one, Robon that thinks outside the box and doesn't want to fix inside social mold. And Phoenix that is Robin's friend or brother that looks out for her for her own good. I think they are friends. And that Phoenix likes Robin. Maybe something will happen between them. This is nothing that suggest that they are fall between ages. Or Phoenix wanted of pretend to bow down and beg her. This seems to be his way of playing with her which suggests they are around the same age. Mostly friends. However, I think see is important person being that her father is king. Could there be rules that prevent these two from being together.
Did the time, place and other setting characteristics work together?
yes, I get the sense they are in the forest and they are high in the trees looking down. Maybe it could be clearer. I do not have a clear vision of the setting.
What did you like most? What did you like least? Did anything stand out?
I like Robin and Phoenix. Robin is the type that is a freethinker. And I like freethinkers. They are interesting characters. This difference between Robin kind and humans makes for an interesting read. What stand out is the fact that Robin is going to get in a lot of trouble.
Is there anything you would change within the writing?
I would make it longing. I want to know a little more about Robin and Phoenix.
1 Where they stand in their social groups?
2 How and where do they know each other.
3 Why was phoenix the one to go and get Robin?
4 Why is there this divide between humans and Robin's kind?
These may be answer in follower chapters. But a good backstory never hurt. Backstories are very important to stories. They not only add length to your story, but help readers understand what is going on.
You can add backstories thought this chapter. Like Bobin can think back to when she meant Phoenix or they can talk about this divide between the humans. ALl this in between what is going on in this chapter.
And one more question. Why did Robin leaven in the first place. This doesn't seem to be a out in the day and go home at night thing.
Most important never ever call your writing bad or anything negative. Do not force on being the best author but force on being the best author you can be.
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