Hiya, Oscar !
This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing!
This is an interesting piece. It is meant to be obscure, alike to the mind of someone not quite within the realm of the sane, and yet not completely crazy either, I think. A sense of foggy misinterpretation surrounds the narrative of this, like the character is seeing everything through a veil without completely understanding, or maybe, not wanting to understand.
I enjoyed the soft, lulling rhythm of the structure. It was quite effective in establishing the mind set of the main character, and showing how everything he saw and experienced was a bit distorted. The past of this character was an obvious cause of this, at least to me.
I think you could increase the effectiveness of this piece by showing the visions a bit more clearly. I think the descriptions are vague for the reason of showing the state of mind, but I believe that is established well enough with the internal thoughts and the story itself as it progresses. I think giving the reader a detailed, vivid experience would go a long way in enhancing the imagery in this. The first paragraph intrigued me, but I couldn't 'see' what the character saw, I could only read the character's interpretation of it. Try to be more specific in the details, and see if it enhances it for you.
Consider reading this to yourself out loud. Feel the flow of the words, and see if the meaning you are going for is coming through. There were places where I could see what you were trying to get at but the sentence structure interfered with the message. I have included a few examples of this below, as well as some suggestions for wording, etc.
I think the basis you have going here is really great. I can see how compelling this piece will be with some editing and tweaking. It will be a really great read, I'm sure.
Suggestions
...everything gets obscure and a stroke...
Consider 'everything becomes obscure'.
I walk through the place, pass through some stairs, and then realize them.
I am confused by this sentence. What is 'them'? What is realized?
but…the very only action I perceive with incredible accuracy...
The word 'very' is extra in this sentence. Also, consider surrounding 'with incredible accuracy' with commas to show that it is non-essential.
...reflecting against the gold bright cufflinks which belong to a...
The flow is off around 'gold bright cufflinks'. Consider 'bright, gold cufflinks'. A comma should seperate them because they are coordinate adjectives.
I know my mind is not possibly that strong to summon it all.
Consider 'strong enough' rather than 'that strong'.
As long as I know, this constant dream is more than a series of images, sounds and emotions which my mind experiences during the infinite nights; it is more of an unforgettable consternation which provokes me the ceasing to be sane.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'know', it disrupts the flow of the sentence and reduces the ability to understand it. Also, I think the end is saying that it drives you crazy, but the way it is stated is hard to understand. Consider, 'an unforgettable consternation which provokes within me the inability to retain sanity.
I was forced to take off my fear for night and darkness.
The phrasing 'take off my fear' feels awkward to me. Consider 'ignore my fear' or a synonym with a similar meaning.
I then found myself driving through an imperturbable road;
I can't say I understand what you are saying here. First, I think it should be 'along' the road, rather than 'through', but I'm not sure about 'imperturbable' as it means calm or uneventful. At first I thought it was a metaphor for life, but then the next paragraph says you parked your car, which makes it a literal meaning. Are you meaning that there were no other people on it, or perhaps that it was boring?
I laid my eyes on this above dull bright...
The use of 'dull' and 'bright' side by side like this is a contradiction. I wonder if it is a typo.
making your skin shivered cold.
I believe this should be 'shivering cold'.
A rush of cold, chilling could be sensed.
Consider rephrasing slightly to make this sensation clear. For example, 'A rush of cold, chilling and eerie, could be sensed.
He seemed to be insinuating me to enter the frivolous attraction.
Consider 'He seemed to be insinuating that I enter...'
He was standing still, hardly talk, didn’t murmur or even show a gesture;
The section 'hardly talk' doesn't fit in this sentence.
In Conclusion
I loved the basis for this piece. The narrative tone was compelling and intense, and granted the confusion of a mind that doesn't quite have a grasp on full reality, but that isn't completely insane either. With a bit of editing, this piece is going to have a huge impact on the reader.
Happy Writing!
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