*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 4 5 6 7 -8- 9 10 11 12 13 ... Next
176
176
Review of Outback Honeymoon  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, Ladyoz !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a great read. The narrative tone was gentle and flowing, allowing for the reader to feel the emotions from the characters with ease. Though there was frustration regarding the condition of the cottage, there was also an edge of good-natured humor.

The voice used for the narrative was clear and consistent, and I found the sentence structure smooth. I believe the narrative was instrumental in establishing the overall mood for the piece. I also noticed that you didn't tell the reader about the experience. The narrative was active and the descriptions were vivid, making the reader feel as though they could 'see' the events as they took place, as well as the rickety old cabin. Well done.

The dialogue was effective and realistic, and the difference between speakers was evident in the way each of them spoke. I suppose that's not surprising considering that this was a true story, but even then I find we have a tendency to over-do the speech in order to make sure it's clear. With this, you allowed the speech to come through exactly as it would have happened. As a result, the reader becomes involved on a more personal level. Nice work.

There was a great theme running through this piece. Even though the experience was really not that funny, you both made the best of the situation, and in so doing, found that there was something great about the old place. Not only that, but you came away from the situation with a better understanding of how the experiences in our life shape who we are.

Suggestions

I found no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was humorous and heart-warming at the same time. It was a pleasure to read. Thank you very much for sharing your experience for us all to read. I was reminded that even negative situations must have an upside somewhere. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
177
177
Review of Mary Ann  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, very thankful !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


One thing I always know when I visit your port is that the stories will be interesting! I really like the basis of this story. A young girl, pregnant and all alone in the world is traveling to take her dead-beat boyfriend to court for child support. Along the way she stops for a break, and weird things start to happen. At her age, I found her acceptance of the chain of events quite believable. The only spot that raised a question for me was when she wondered if it was safe, then immediately decided that she thought it was. I think perhaps some sort of reason could be introduced, perhaps how nice Samantha was, or because it's a small community. Just something for you to consider.

The narrative tone was pretty good in this. I could sense Susan's personality well through her inner thoughts and the tone of the narrative. She came across as a bit lost, trusting, and with a sense that she wanted someone in the world to care about her. This worked in well with her desire to be looked over by Dr. St. Ives.

The descriptions were well placed, and I found I could see Marianna and the doctor well. I do have a few suggestions regarding this area for you to consider below. *Smile*

I enjoyed the ending of this piece, as well. It was left open, allowing for the reader to use their imagination to come up with what happened next. It also leaves it open for you to include it within the Deacon series. Good work. *Smile*

A Few Things I Didn't Understand

"Yes, of course. Coming right up." Samantha waltzed back out with a glass of water.
This part confused me because I was expecting Samantha to be walking to get the glass of water, but she was already returning. Consider adding a statement to show that she left and then came back.

*Bullet*I was a bit confused with the use of the names Samantha and Susan. The first time I read through, I wasn't able to differentiate between which was which. I think perhaps it was because their speech patterns were so much the same.

*Bullet*This is personal opinion, but I think this story would invoke more reaction from the reader if the reader was not included in the speech of the doctor and Marianna. Perhaps you could have Susan hear just a few snippets of their dialogue, and in so doing, cause her and the reader to feel the fear of not knowing what they are talking about.

*Bullet* One last thing. I found it hard to imagine the Diner in the beginning of the story. Consider giving the reader a bit more detail using the senses.

Grammar/Punctuation/Typos

*Bullet*"Sit any where you like.
I think 'any where' should be one word, 'anywhere'.

*Bullet*Susan could see a sofa and love seat in the first room they past.
The word 'past' should be 'passed'.

*Bullet*but what if it's something else. But Mamma always said I was too trusting.
I think the first part should end with a question mark. Also, I don't think you need the 'But' on the second sentence.

*Bullet*His skin appeared to have a thin cheek bones that stuck out of his face.
I stumbled on this sentence a little bit. Consider rephrasing a little bit. Perhaps something like, 'His skin was stretched thin, causing his cheekbones to appear as though they would break through the skin.

*Bullet*A hospital's full.
Consider saying 'The' instead of 'A'. The 'A' indicates that there is more than one hospital, which I doubt since this was described as a small community.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A good strong start on an eerie story! I was intrigued by the story line in this. I think it has a strong premise, and with a bit of refining, I believe this will be a great read. Keep using your imagination, it's awesome! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
178
178
Review of Pop Break  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Thimpin !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

Well, it's been far too long since I've visited your port. When I saw you had an anniversary today, I just had to pop on over. *Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was gentle, humorous, and emotional all at the same time. I found it very effective in showing the relationship between Effie and Jacky both on the surface, as well as the emotional connection they shared.

The dialogue was wonderful. I have been learning about effective dialogue in the past while, and you have given a masterful demonstration here. The colloquialism you used to show their form of speech was just enough to allow the reader to 'hear' their accents without being hard to read. Jacky's dialogue represented his personality well, and I could have safely picked his dialogue out without any use of tags. This shows me that he had his own distinctive voice. I have discovered that is not an easy thing to do, either. Well done.

I loved Effie's attitude. Her responses to Jacky were well timed and true to her character. She reminded me of a Great Aunt of mine that passed away some twenty years ago. Nicely done.

The way you interspersed their actions throughout the dialogue and narrative gave this the feeling of 'real-time' as it progressed. Again, not an easy task, and one you did very well with.

The story progresses very well from beginning to end. The plot line in this wasn't so much the focus as was the theme. Jacky and Effie were both people who struggled with their social life. Jacky with the children at his school teasing him, and in the end, we discover that Effie never had the opportunity to have children. Through their relationship, they are able to find solace. A powerful, heart-warming story, for sure.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...breeze stirred the grey hair that hang loose from the bun on the back of her head.
Consider changing the word 'hang' to 'hung' to preserve the tense.

*Bullet*“Well, Jacky I believe anything is possible...
Consider a comma after 'Jacky'.

*Bullet*Jacky took a pull at his Nehi.
I think the word 'at' could be replaced with 'of' to improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*There are places around the dialogue that aren't quite punctuated properly. When a tag precedes or follows dialogue, a comma is used. However, when it is an action, then a period should be used. Also, there is no need for a comma following the end quotation marks.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I found it humorous, sweet, heart-warming, and meaningful. The message was clear, and I feel it was represented very nicely through Effie and Jacky's relationship. Well done!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS for items under 10 kb, or:

"Invalid Item for items over 10 kb.

Check out our new Shop! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
179
179
Review of To Forgive  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, jaya !

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item ! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you from: Riot and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! Enjoy! *Fire*

I am more than happy to read and review your work. My comments are my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Wink*


My Impression

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I found it honest, vivid, and compelling. It deals with a concept that many people struggle with on a daily basis, and it does so in a way that shows the emotions involved for what they really are. Well done.

Tone/Mood

The tone in this piece changes as the emotions change, allowing a smooth progression through the concept of forgiveness. I found it very realistic because it shows the anger, the hurt, the desire to fight back when one is wronged. I think it is important to acknowledge these emotions if one is to be capable of forgiveness. The ending stanzas show that these feelings can be conquered in a positive way. Good job.

Form/Rhyme/Flow

I'm not so sure on the form, but the flow was very nice. The use of proper punctuation allowed me to see where to pause, as well as how fast the tempo should be. The rhythm was consistent, though not always the same, and I think that added another level of understanding for the reader. The areas where the emotions were negative came through a bit faster and mixed with the darker tone fluently in order to express the emotions. I'm thinking I will have to study this piece a bit to learn how to accomplish this in my poetry. *Wink*

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This poem was a wonderful showing of forgiveness and just how hard it truly is to do. I think one of the most important aspects of forgiveness is the ability to acknowledge just how we feel towards being wronged. If we cannot accept our own reactions to it, I can't see how it would be possible to move past to true forgiveness. I think this piece expressed this idea clearly in a way that allows the reader to absorb the message.

It has been a pleasure to read your work, today. Thank you so much for sharing it.

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Enjoy the reviews? Want to thank anonymous or a friend? Leave a message here: "Invalid Item

Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
180
180
Review of Love is Red  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Tony !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I can see why this poem is your mom's favorite. I loved the way you used the senses to explain the color red, and in so doing, created a poem about love. The situations you chose to use were awesome. I could taste the hot chocolate, and I have to tell you, there's just nothing better than those tiny marshmallows on top, especially when it is made with love.

I think you did a great job with this poem. The tone was light and fun, providing a clear, easy going poem to share your perspective. I think what I liked best was that the things you chose to express your perspective were original and vivid. Love is expressed in so many ways, most of which are cliche in some way or another, and it was nice to see that you did not rely on what others think it is, but chose what represented it for yourself. Good work!

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is about the formatting. The first two lines have no space between them, while the others all do.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A great poem! I'm sure your teacher will agree. *Thumbsup*

I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
181
181
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, intuey GoT Survivor! !

*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*


This was an enjoyable children's story, for sure. I could just imagine how intriguing this would be for children, especially with a few pictures to go along with it. The image at the top of Moonlightning was a great visual to start the story off with.

The narrative tone was clear and consistent from beginning to end. I found the dialogue moved in a smooth, realistic manner. I really enjoyed that the figurative language you used was aimed at younger readers. So often my children can't understand something because the author slipped into an adult level explanation, so it was nice to see the consistency in this one. *Smile*

The story line progressed at a good rate, allowing enough time between the capture of Moonlightning and his rescue for a child to experience the negative effects the bad wish had on the land, as well as the people. The use of magic to thaw the Princess' cold heart was a really nice touch.

Suggestions:

The only thing I noticed was a lack of commas in compound sentences. Any time that two independent clauses are joined by a coordinating conjunction such as and, or, so, yet, etc. there should be a comma preceding the conjunction.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was written in an effective voice to appeal to children of many ages. The story was intriguing and intense, and the ending wrapped it all up well. There was also a great message for children to take away with them. Well done. *Smile*

~A.J. Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS [E]

Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
182
182
Review of Up and Down  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, ~WhoMe???~ !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to say, I really liked this form. The syllable count was right on, and I found the steady flow was formed not only through consistent count and correct punctuation, but through the visual effect of the poem as well. It was neat that you used the subject of weight gain and loss for this piece, and had the content flow with the form. The weight gain grew as the syllables did, giving the impression of a widening waist line, and then back down for the second half of the form, ending with weight loss on the last one syllable line. Very interesting.

This is definitely a form I will have to try out. I love the appeal of the visual aspects, and by the description you give at the bottom, it seems as though it would suit almost any subject or tone.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Thank you for the great read, as well as the lesson about this form. I have enjoyed stopping by your port today. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
183
183
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Winnie Kay !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, what an endearing story. The narrative tone in this was well done to reflect Norman's thoughts and emotions as the story progresses. I found his thoughts and actions very realistic for someone of his age who feels that he has passed the best years of his life. My grandparents are in their late 80s, and they feel the way Norman did in this piece. My grandfather is also hard of hearing, and I think you portrayed that aspect in a believable way. I couldn't help but giggle when he misconstrued what Amanda and Luke were saying. What he thought he heard matched his personality well.

Amanda came across as a kind nurse with Norman's best interests at heart. I could sense a fond irritation in her, and I think it worked nicely within the context of the story. Luke was well done, as well. His personality was shown nicely through his reactions to his grandfather. He brought Norman a gift that showed he thought about his grandfather and wished for him to have something he could enjoy.

I think the thing I liked the best about this piece was that it contained a great message. I think there are so many of us that forget that our older relatives are still people with desires and dreams. Norman's thoughts were so clear, even if his body was no longer cooperating with him. It was nice to see him well taken care of, even if he liked to be cranky about it. I think more of the younger people in the world could benefit from reading this when they think it's too much work to care for their elder relatives.

Suggestions

I found no errors in this piece. The sentence structure flowed smoothly, and the dialogue was realistic. Nicely done. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this heart warming piece. It has been a real pleasure stopping in your port today. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
184
184
Review of The Journey  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, DMW !

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting for us all to enjoy! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

This was a very intense read. I could sense the depression infusing the lines of this piece right from the beginning, so I was prepared for the ending to be what it was. I think it helps me that I have suffered many episodes like this one. It's weird how one can look around and see so much good, and yet feel completely alone and unable to cope. You have expressed that very well with this piece. I found the use of shorter sentences added impact to the thoughts and emotions the character felt.

There was a dream-like quality to the mood in this piece. It was as though life floated on by, and though the character could see and understand all of the good things in his life, it just wasn't enough to convince him that he could handle what his life had become. Hence the reason that children need to understand that life is not all roses, that what one wants, one has to work hard for.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*I dream unendingly.
Consider using more active verbs in place of the adverb 'unendingly'. When I read this line I felt like it should be a strong statement, and the use of an adverb takes away from that strength. Consider something like 'I dream without end.'

*Bullet* Little brooks give way to, and feed, luscious paddy fields.
I stumbled on this sentence. Consider rewording slightly to increase the flow. Try something like, 'Little brooks give way, feeding luscious paddy fields.' I don't think it needs to state that it does both. I think this way shows that it gives way in order to feed them.

*Bullet*We descend into mild-mannered argument...
I think you are missing an 'a' before 'mild-mannered'.

*Bullet*There are a lack of commas used with coordinating conjunctions in compound sentences. A compound sentence is when there are two stand alone sentences joined by a conjunction such as and, but, for, so, yet, or, and nor. Here is a great link for a website that I used to understand when to use a comma in these instances. Conjunctions  


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, I found this to be a very effective piece of flash fiction. There was no need for a developed plot line because the whole point of the piece seemed to be to show how thoughts such as these can control someone and push them past the point of no return. I found myself experiencing many different emotions at the end of this, and I believe it had a large impact on me because I could relate to it. Well done.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS for items under 10 kb, or:

"Invalid Item for items over 10 kb.

Check out our new Shop! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
185
185
Review of Winter Speech  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, The warlock !

I found this piece listed on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting for us all to enjoy. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

What a beautiful expression of your feelings, and the reason you are willing to go that extra mile. The fact that you just typed this up for her to tell her that you would be there, no matter what, shows how real the emotions are. The tone used in this was soft and calm. There was no need for exclamations, the statements were strong enough all on their own.

The rhyming sequence seemed to work well. There were a couple of words that didn't quite match up for me, but when I read it out loud, each line sounded great. I loved the flow in this piece. It was smooth from beginning to end. I found each line had a purpose to the whole. There were no unnecessary words in this. Great work!

Now, all you have to do is show me how to come up with this great of a piece all in one sitting. *Wink*

Suggestions

I noticed that you use proper punctuation in this piece, so I have one suggestion. I believe the comma at the end of the second line could be a period.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. Not only was it a beautiful way to show the one you care about how much you feel for her, it was also well written and executed to be enjoyable to listen to and recite. Nicely done.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS for items under 10 kb, or:

"Invalid Item for items over 10 kb.

Check out our new Shop! "Invalid Item


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
186
186
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, 🌕 HuntersMoon !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: I loved this. This piece was vivid and intense, and I found myself transported into the story, all while reading a poem. The best of both worlds, for sure. *Smile*

Tone & Mood: The tone used in this was fantastic. It was dark and eerie, granting the mood of a psychological thriller. I could sense anticipation, fear, and something else that I can't put my finger on. It will come to me later when I least expect it. *Wink* The point is that it was effective in trapping me within the story as it unraveled. I found myself eager to continue after each stanza.

*Star*My Favorite Part:

Well, it's not easy to choose just one stanza as a favorite, but I have done my best. *Wink*

Jumbled tombstones smiled like death's teeth,
protecting the dead who were lying beneath
in silent grief.

The imagery presented in this section was vivid and increased the effect of the dark tone nicely. *Thumbsup*

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I very much enjoyed this form. It allowed for each stanza to flow into the next with ease. The rhyming sequence was effective. I really enjoyed how the last line rhymed with the last line of the stanza before it. I found it added a sense of unity to each section.

I loved reading this piece out loud. The proper punctuation allowed for a great tempo, increasing and decreasing with the forced pauses, as well as the tone. I found myself increasing the speed of the words as the mood increased in suspense, and it worked very well to enhance the effectiveness of the piece as a whole.

Suggestions:

using dark arts so nothing was delayed
avoiding caprice.
I'm wondering if some punctuation to separate 'avoiding caprice' from the main sentence would be appropriate here. The reason I think this is because to me, 'avoiding caprice' is reinforcing the line before it, like a restating in different words.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I feel like I'm going on and on a bit here, but I really enjoyed reading this poem. The smooth tempo created through the combination of rhyme, tone, word choice, and punctuation allowed for the experience of reading this out loud to be a real treat for me. The story unfolded smoothly, and I think you did a very good job at incorporating the necessary prompt words within this without them seeming out of place or forced. I have no doubt that you will do well with this contest. The imagery was vivid and compelling, allowing this to play out within my mind while I read, which added nicely to the auditory experience. Very well done.

Happy Writing!

~AJ
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
187
187
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Kris D'Amato !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone used in this piece supported Tommy's developing personality nicely. I found that the exposition reflected his view as a child, even going so far as to phrase sentences in the way that a child would think. I think this enhanced the realistic aspect of Tommy's character, as well as the believability of the story line. I truly felt as though I could see the world through his eyes.

The character development of Tommy was very well done. The way he transitioned from feeling picked on and angry, to realizing that he could do something about it was smooth and realistic. He put up with the boys' taunting and Aunt Hilda's ridiculous demands for quite a long time before the day she made him pray because he had received a D in Bible study. I couldn't help but shake my head at her, considering that her sons had done so poorly in every subject, and then she freaked out at his D. The way that he tried to defend himself showed that at that point, he was still willing to try and be what they wanted him to be. If she had shown him any affection, or feelings of goodwill, then her behavior might have been accepted by him. However, since she reacted in such an unreasonable way, she actually forced him over the edge of what he could tolerate. Nicely done. The viewpoint of religion in this piece was what I refer to as the 'hellfire and brimstone' approach. It shows the kind of God that condemns all sinners to eternal suffering. God was presented as vengeful, just as the Old Testament stated, rather than the loving God that Jesus' sacrifice created. I can see why this vision of God was unfavorable for Tommy, creating within him a cold hatred of those who believed it. Well done.

The section where he was testing the match powder after school began the process of showing how his mind descended into instability. There was a thought in italics that swam through his mind, of which he didn't even notice, but that was definitely not his own thought. It was actually a thought that spoke to him, showing the division in his mind that his Aunt created through her attack on him, using the Lord's name to do it. To be honest, the ending took me by surprise. Tommy continued to progress past hearing an objective voice, on through a complete withdraw from those around him. His mind became singular once again, but with an objective, calculating, and unfeeling aspect to it that allowed him to do what he did.

The use of Tommy's internal thoughts was a good way to allow the reader to see the world from his point of view. He showed quite a bit of his emotion through his thoughts, rather than showing anything to the outside world. Over the course of the story, he became more withdrawn emotionally, rarely allowing himself a reaction to what happened around him. The depth of his thoughts allowed him to hide any emotions he may have had. It was much like he viewed reactions as a weapon to be used against him, and I would have to say that considering the people he was surrounded by, he was correct in assuming that.

The ending section was an article from a newspaper and revealed some interesting details about Hilda's death. The very last part which indicated the note was a nice way to end this piece with a hook, leaving the reader with an eerie feeling which indicated that his confession was not the end. Very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*In the third section, the narrative was written from the perspective of Tommy, demonstrated by the use of words like 'dimwit' which place the reader in Tommy's frame of mind. Near the end of the section, however, it seems to switch over to Aunt Hilda, demonstrated by the line, 'She ought to beat the violent oaf to a pulp herself.' Consider revising this to maintain the same perspective in each section to prevent the reader from being pulled out of the story by the inconsistency.

I noticed that this happened a few times through the story, all when he was around Aunt Hilda. I realize that many people do this, but I find it quite distracting when I am reading for the cross over to happen without a scene break.

*Bullet*Watch for redundancy in dialogue. For instance, using italics and an exclamation point to show that someone is yelling, and then adding, 'she screamed' as a tag. The 'she screamed' is unnecessary because the reader has already been shown the type of speech used through the use of the exclamation and italics to give the line more punch.

*Bullet*The Dark Lord might as well bow down before her and kiss his own ass than she would accept defeat at his hands.
This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Consider something like, 'It was more likely that the Dark Lord would bow down before her and kiss his own ass, than she would accept defeat at his hands'.

*Bullet*When 'mom' is used as a direct address, it should be capitalized.

*Bullet*But his eyes would not close--he sees.
This is in the section of bold near the end. Since the section is written in present tense, the word 'would' should be 'will'.

*Bullet*There are a few areas where the passive voice is dominant within the narrative. Consider words like 'was' and 'had'. Using these words on a continual basis can lead to more telling than showing. I have found that omitting the 'had' and rewording the sentence with active past tense verbs can often increase the 'showing' aspect, thereby increasing the readers involvement and reaction. Some sentences, such as 'The spot where the truck usually was was vacant' could be made more active by simply changing two words. For example, consider the following:

The spot where the truck usually sat lay vacant.

*Bullet*The continual use of parenthesis threw me off a bit. I think this is a personal opinion thing, though. I find them distracting when I am reading. I think it would be much smoother to use hyphens, or even commas, rather than parenthesis. To be honest, some of the time, internal thoughts would have done just as nice a job of delivering the intended information. However, like I said, this is purely my own opinion.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

On the whole, this was really an amazing read. Considering the length of this piece, I found very few issues for which to make suggestions. My rating of this piece was something that gave me an issue. My personal enjoyment of this story was huge. I found that it affected me in several different ways, and was definitely a piece I won't soon forget. If you decide to revise this piece at all, please let me know. I would be more than happy to re-evaluate accordingly.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
188
188
Review of Fleeting  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Happy Adore♥ !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, what a sad story. The ending hit me like a ton of bricks. Nicely done. The narrative tone through this piece reflected Zuri's personality very well. I found that she came across as submissive towards Butch, always trying to soothe over what was said, as well as prompt him to act like the good man she wanted him to be. While with her family, I could feel that she was embarrassed, but perhaps even deeper than that, ashamed of him and the kind of life they lived.

The narrative and the dialogue worked well together to paint a picture of the life they live with her working and him staying home. As far as she says openly, he tried to find work and failed, but his attitude comes across as the kind of man who thinks the world owes him something. In my experience, people like that will say they try, but never really do anything. He definitely had self-confidence issues, as well as a need for anger management. I could just imagine the kind of abuse she would be subjected to on a daily basis, and not necessarily physical abuse, but mental. He demonstrated this kind of abuse by the way he spoke to her, as well as in the way he expected her to jump when he said jump. Her response of stuttering showed that she feared him. A great job on delivering the small signs that all add up to the big picture.

I loved the twist at the end of this story. Well, honestly, I didn't like the way it ended up because it made me feel horrible for her, but I loved the way it was delivered. It shocked me. I was beginning to feel like her family would help make it all better in the same old way, but you flipped it around on me, and I admire how smoothly it was done.

The only areas that detracted from the read for me were a few technical areas that I noticed could be smoothed out with a bit of editing and minor revision. I did have a bit of trouble as I went through the first time, so I have included some suggestions below. If you would like more detail, feel free to email me. I am more than happy to explain any of my suggestions.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Zuri and Butch had been married for two years now and they rarely came to Sunday dinner at grandma’s house.
Several times through this piece, I came across sentences such as this that are compound sentences which contain two independent clauses. When this happens, the conjunction used to connect them is considered a coordinating conjunction and should be preceded by a comma.

*Bullet*“Girl, stop messing with him!" her Grandma, said slyly, trying to catch his gaze. If he likes it, that’s fine. It’s his choice.”
I believe that grandma could be in lower case here because it isn't being used as a name. Also, the comma after 'grandma' isn't needed. One last thing, the quotation marks before 'If he likes it' are missing.

*Bullet*In a few cases, the word grandma should be capitalized because it is being used in place of her name.

*Bullet*Grandma’s house was always so comfortable to her although you wouldn’t call it a place of refuge.
I believe there should be a comma before 'although' because it is being used as a transitory word. Also, consider changing 'you' to 'she' since it seems out of place to speak to the reader, even if it is being used as an expression. *Wink*

*Bullet*The tan linoleum with red speckles adorned the kitchen floor...
Consider removing 'The' and start the sentence with 'Tan' in order to increase the flow.

*Bullet*She always wanted to take them from their shelves for a closer look wondering how they’d be enjoyed when they seemed so very far away from the rest of the world.
Consider a comma after 'look' in order to increase the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*“Zuri!” a voice called bringing her out of her dream state.
Consider a comma after 'called' to improve flow.

*Bullet* You know I didn’t cook this food for nothing.” her grandma said with a good natured grin.
There were a few places in this where the sentence of dialogue was followed by a tag such as 'he/she said'. In these cases, the period ending the dialogue should be a comma.

*Bullet*“Well, Butch, I don’t spend money unless I have to. And I try to tell you but…”
He cut her off…”but what? I listen to what you’re saying but you flip flop too much for me. I don’t have time to ask you.”
Consider using a dash to show that she was cut off. The use of ellipses usually shows that it trailed off, rather than ended abruptly. Also, I wonder why he would be asking her anything. It is out of character for him to even suggest that he would 'ask' her something.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. I think the story line was really nicely done, and the character development was consistent. I believe that taking some time to edit and revise this a bit would take this piece to the next level and deliver a solid, thought provoking read. Thank you for sharing this piece. I look forward to visiting your port again soon.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
189
189
Review of Monster Justice  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, BIG BAD WOLF is hopping !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting story. You definitely made use of several types of supernatural creatures, from werewolves, to kitsune, and even a dragon. I liked having so many different human/creatures to experience. There was also quite a twist in this piece, and I found it interesting that Jacob Redfangs took the rap for killing everyone. I don't want to say too much here, just in case I ruin it for other readers, but the letter definitely left me thinking for a while.

This was what I would consider flash fiction since there was no real character development. I think if you ever wanted to flesh it out into a longer story, the development of the main players would enhance the reaction of the reader considerably. Also, I noticed a lack of description in this piece. To be honest, I felt as though I couldn't 'see' what was happening, but was rather being 'told' it was happening. I think the reader would be entertained more effectively if the areas they were in were described a bit. Giving the reader a visual of the scene as it unfolds will pull them into the story on many different levels.

One more quick thought. I found many of the sentences lacked tone in the sense that they felt flat. They stated what was necessary, but I didn't feel the intensity or suspense that I think you were going for.

Personal note: I didn't even know that Tanya Tucker sang "The Night the Light Went Out in Georgia". The version I know was sung by Reba McEntire. *Wink*

Suggestions

*Bullet*Consider rewording part of the first paragraph with a more active voice in order to grab the readers attention with a bit more punch.

*Bullet*"I know," the werewolf said, as he sat down at a table, which had an empty plate and a revolver on it, and took out a pen and paper, and start writing.
The comma before 'as' isn't needed because it's being used as a subordinating conjunction. Also, the comma before 'and started writing' isn't needed because 'started writing' isn't an independent clause. There are a few places like this throughout the story. Here is a link that is very helpful to see the difference between types of conjunctions. *Right* Conjunctions  

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I think this story has a lot of potential. The character development, description, and active language were areas I found lacking, and I think that left me floundering a bit when it came to getting 'into' the story, but the story line itself, as well as the types of creatures involved, were both quite intriguing. If you decide to flesh this out or revise it, let me know. I would be happy to come back for another rate and review. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
190
190
Review of My Dearest Son  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, JACE !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an enjoyable read. I found a range of emotions in this piece from regret, to love, to sadness, and then to contentment as the character envisioned joy for the future. I could feel his emotions well through the use of effective tone throughout the narrative. His thoughts were soft and sad, showing the reader the type of love Tighe felt for his dad.

I enjoyed the first part of this story as it unfolded in the letter that his father wrote to him before his birth. It set the mood nicely and allowed for a smooth progression as the plot unfolded.

I remember this prompt well. The tire swing was incorporated into the story smoothly, and it added another level of emotion as I realized just how much his father did for him even before he was born. Just for an individual to know that his father was so happy to greet him is a great thing.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...hopefully in the not-to-distant future.
This line stopped me for a second. I think this should be 'not-too-distant' or -not-so-distant'.

Otherwise, I found no errors in sentence structure, spelling, or punctuation. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A great story of love and loss, and the ability to look toward the future to provide a loving environment in which a family can prosper and grow. I thoroughly enjoyed this emotional read. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
191
191
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, ԜԜ On The Road Again! !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very entertaining little story, even more so because it was an actual event. I have ended up with the frozen turkey before, but not for such an entertaining reason, or with such wonderful results! *Laugh*

It's amazing to me just how many different ways there are to cook a turkey, and now that I know a 'hot tub' will work to thaw one out in a hurry, I'm sure to be using that method in the future. I have not so great a memory when it comes to taking the bird out of the freezer early. *Wink*

The structure of this piece was easy to follow and consistent. I loved the narrative tone that was used. I found it conversational, witty, and humorous. Good work.

Suggestions

I found no errors in this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a great read first thing in the morning. As I sit here with my first cup of coffee, I am reminded just how wonderful life can be, and how unexpected circumstances can lead to lasting memories. Thank you very much for sharing this and starting my day off on the right foot!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
192
192
Review of Triple Danger  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, BIG BAD WOLF is hopping !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting story, for sure. About halfway through, I started to wonder if the wife was somehow involved, but I didn't figure it out until the end section. An original take on what happens when one cheats. I had to chuckle when it all became clear at the end. Nicely done.

Rodger's fear was believable and became more potent as his 'triple danger' progressed. His reactions were priceless, really, and though I cringed a few times at what he endured, it was probably the only thing that would convince him that cheating wasn't a good idea. His attitude in the beginning was done well to show that he had no intention of ever stopping, which played a big part in my reaction to the punishments he received.

The dialogue between characters flowed realistically and was well described to create a reaction from me. I found the descriptions vivid, granting me a clear vision of the situation as it progressed from beginning to end. Each of the creatures who came to him had a distinct voice and personality. I found it added to the believability of the story.

Suggestions

My only suggestion is to describe the werewolf. I have read hundreds of stories on werewolves, and each one seems to be a bit different, so when I see 'werewolf' an image doesn't immediately come to mind. I would have liked to 'see' this werewolf, especially since she teased him the way she did. I found it quite funny.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a really good read. It was definitely different than what I thought it would be, but in a good way. It surprised me, and I enjoyed that. I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Check out this awesome raffle! "Invalid Item

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
193
193
Review of Silent Seduction  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, ԜԜ On The Road Again! !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: I really enjoyed this piece. It was soft and romantic, showing the reader the emotion behind the words, while also combining the sensual sights, feelings, and stimulation found from the visual. What I liked the most was that these sensations were all combined so effortlessly. Not only was she gazing at someone who stimulated her physically, but emotionally as well. It seemed to me that the emotional aspect fueled the sensual desire. How great is that? *Wink*

This piece was also very visually appealing. The use of color and font change enhanced the tone nicely.

Tone & Mood: The tone was loving and sensual, allowing for the mood to really penetrate each line, showing the reader both emotional and physical stimulation at the same time. Loved it.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: To be honest, if there is a form being used here then I just don't know it. It seems much more like free verse to me. The flow was wonderful. The use of proper punctuation allowed for me to see the timing of how I should say it out loud, resulting in a smooth recital. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A great read! You found the perfect balance of emotion and sensuality in this. Very nice. *Bigsmile* Thank you for allowing me to read and review your work. I look forward to reading more!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
194
194
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, hbar !


*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item ! The Lightning Package has been ordered for you from: Happy Spring and includes the reviews of three fiction stories! Enjoy! *Fire*

Oh my! I am some lucky I was partly prepared for the humor in this. As it was, I ended up having to take a break before reviewing because I couldn't quit laughing. The last paragraph really got me. Trust a man to take a rule about not drinking beer in a hospital and turn it into a quirky woman who just makes you drink it all at once! I'm still laughin'! *Laugh*

Okay, now that I'm finally calming down. I really enjoyed reading this story. The descriptions were very well done. I could see the entire situation as it unfolded, right from getting in trouble from the official, (I just about died with this image of a group of guys, all looking disgustingly innocent) right up to you getting away with not having to do the paperwork. Oh yeah, I see right through you. *Wink* I found the dialogue flowed well, and the inner thoughts added a whole new level of funny that I wasn't really expecting.

I do have to admit a certain amount of ignorance where rugby is concerned, but I didn't feel lost at all. I found the references to the game were done in a way that I could get a good enough idea of what was going on. Your poor wife! I could just imagine what the hospital was like if she was so adamant about you not touching anything. Yikes.

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*we, won’t go into mother-in-laws
I don't think you need this comma after 'we'. It seems to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*...to consume large amounts alcohol.
I think you are missing 'of' after 'amounts'.

*Bullet* Leaving most of the pack and all but of one of our backs, Simi, a short tougher than nails Samoan and my neighbor, looking for their shorts.
I don't know, the section 'a short tougher than nails Samoan and my neighbor' doesn't make sense to me. Perhaps I am missing something.

*Bullet*Simi didn’t look quite right?
Since this is a rhetorical kind of statement, I don't think the question mark is needed.

*Bullet*“You can’t have beer in here”
Just missing the end punctuation.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a wonderful read. Just what I needed today, that's for sure. *Smile*

Thank you for allowing me to review your writing. I hope my comments have been useful to you.

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
195
195
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Annabelle Lee Sykkilence !

*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

I was wandering through your port when I noticed this group you have recently created. I must say, I think this is a fantastic idea. I have lived through some very dark times in my life. I am a depressive, and there were many times when I used different ways of inflicting pain on myself. Cutting is one of those kinds of inflictions, and there are many others. I found that when I felt pain, even for the briefest amount of time, I could actually 'feel' something.

I am impressed with the amount of courage it would have taken for you to develop this group to try to help others who do this to themselves. One of the biggest things that can help with this kind of behavior is the ability to have someone to talk to that can understand what you are doing and why you do it. I think this group will be a great tool for many people. Another thing I like about this is that it shows those people out there who do this in private that they are not 'weird' or even suicidal. In fact, I was rarely suicidal when I cut myself. The population as a whole has this idea that if you hurt yourself, you want to die. I found many times when this was the farthest thing from the truth.


Suggestions:

My only suggestion is to visit one of the wonderful signature shops on the site and get some decorations for this group page, as well as a signature for yourself to advertise and get some new members. *Bigsmile*

In Conclusion

I love that you have created this group in an effort to help other people. I wish you well with it!

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS [E]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
196
196
Review of The Forest  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Gnowee !

*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This was a very eerie short story. The narrative tone was laced with fear, letting the reader know that the girls were nervous and scared as they progressed through the forest. I liked how their fear grew as they walked. It allowed for a great sense of anticipation far before the climax. I think this created a larger reaction from me at the end. Good work.

I enjoyed the last line. It wrapped the story up in my mind very well. The mention of their father saying they should 'be one' came to mind, and I found that it explained the earlier confusion around that statement.

One thing I wasn't sure about was the age of these girls. I am guessing they are teenagers, but you may want to add something that makes it clearer to the reader.

I have some technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...looking straight ahead of him.” Sandy said...
Since this dialogue is followed by a tag, 'he/she said', the ending punctuation should be a comma before the ending quotation mark.

*Bullet*Briskly the twins made their way through...
When an adverb is used in the beginning of a sentence like this, it modifies the entire sentence and is called a disjunctive adverb. Technically, it should be followed by a comma.

*Bullet*Consider limiting your use of -ly ending adverbs. Many editors consider them to be a lazy way to explain things. Many also state that more than one every three hundred words is too much. Instead, try to 'show' the reader through description. For a quick example,

You wrote:

Sandy explained puzzlingly as she pointed toward the end of the clearing.

My suggestion:

Sandy frowned as she pointed toward the end of the clearing. This shows the reader that she is confused without using an adverb. It is just a quick example, I am sure you could find a much more creative way to say it.

In Conclusion

All in all, this was a good read. I think that if you focus a bit on reducing the adverbs, you will find the story 'shows' more often than it 'tells' and brings the reader that much further into the twins' experience. Thank you for allowing me to read and comment on your work. I look forward to visiting your port again. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS [E]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
197
197
Review of The Ignited Flame  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Kyle !

I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*


I was a bit surprised by this piece, to be honest with you. My first thought when I look at a piece without punctuation is that the flow may not be that great. I usually find that punctuation really enhances the flow of a poem by showing the reader where there are pauses, as well as adding meaning to certain sections. That said, I found the flow in this piece very good. There was only one spot where I had a slight stumble, but otherwise I read this out loud without any issues whatsoever.

The rhythm was consistent throughout, as was the rhyming sequence. The word choices were well thought out to provide deep meaning and a consistent tempo. Nicely done. I didn't notice a specific form, but I don't claim to know very many. *Wink*

This piece touched me. There was a great story told through this of the struggle most of us fight at some point in our lives. The emotions came through clearly, and I was left feeling enlightened and inspired, something inside of me seeing the message that even when the darkness surrounds you, there is always the choice, or perhaps the ability, to push the fog away to see the sun. Nicely done.

Suggestions:

Deep within the pit
Of my own despair


I have one quick suggestion here. This is the only spot I stumbled when I read through this piece, and I think it is the word 'pit' on the first line. The first two lines are perfectly matched for syllables, but then the third line is quite a bit longer. I think this would flow easier if 'pit' became a two syllable word. Perhaps 'chasm' or something along those lines.

In Conclusion

I enjoyed reading this piece. I read it through several times, each read granting me more insight into the emotions contained within. I love it when this happens with poetry because it shows how many layers of thought and emotion go into the construction. Thank you for sharing this. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS [E]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
198
198
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Deepshikha !

*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*


I enjoyed reading this article. It hits on a topic that many people don't consider in their busy day-to-day lives. Many people become so involved with the now, with what is happening each day that they forget the impact other people can have in their lives, even when it is someone they haven't seen for years, or only see for a moment. I also liked how you touched on the fact that we all take risks every day that could have lasting consequences, and we do it without a second thought. It was definitely a great message, full of hope and inspiration. Nicely done. *Bigsmile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Often, we have come across unknown faces who are more introduced as strangers.
The section 'who are more introduced as strangers' doesn't quite make sense to me. I think perhaps you are saying that they are viewed as strangers, but I'm not too sure.

*Bullet*Specially, this happens...
Consider rephrasing this to 'This happens especially when...' for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*A fear of facing an accident or was preoccupied with something that was not necessary at that time.
Consider rephrasing the last part just a little bit for a smoother flow. Something like, 'A fear of facing an accident, or perhaps I was preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts.'

*Bullet* It was a bit of frustrating for me...
The word 'of' is not necessary here.

In Conclusion

All in all, this was a very nice read with an important message. Thank you for sharing it with all of us. *Smile*

~A.J. Lyle~
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS [E]

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
199
199
Review of A Bit of History  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

Wow, I was really impressed with this story. So much so that I had to re-read to look for any errors. That doesn't happen to me very often. *Wink* I became engrossed in these characters almost immediately. I saw at the top that this is actually the third story about the same characters, so I will definitely have to go and read the others, but it also stood alone as its own story very well. I had no trouble following the events, or the characters.

Since this is in first person from Laurence's point of view, the reader gets to know him the best through his thoughts and internal reactions. I enjoyed his character's attitude. He had an aura of self-confidence that I found very appealing as a reader. Later on in the story it is revealed that he has done less than favorable things in his life, and probably will again, but for some reason that didn't detract from his character. Extremely well done.

The dialogue between the characters was realistic, expressive, and easy to follow. I had no problem distinguishing between speakers, which tells me that you did a good job giving them each a distinct voice. Nice work.

I found the descriptions of their facial expressions, actions, and reactions very well done. You definitely have a good grasp on showing, rather than telling. I could see, hear, and feel what Laurence did through the entirety.

I was surprised by how effective the story was conveyed through continual dialogue. Normally, when there is that long of a stretch with just one speaker, I become bored and end up skimming. The conversational tone he used, in addition to his own personal comments, allowed me to remain interested in the story straight through to the end.

I have a few small suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*I stole a glance at Leiden, and was amused at his lost-puppy expression.
I don't believe this comma is necessary since the second section after the comma is not an independent clause.

*Bullet*The night was still young and I headed us toward the Keg-and-a-Half,...
Consider a comma before 'and' to show that it is joining two independent clauses.

*Bullet*My shoulders shook slightly and I couldn't stop a derisive grin.
Same thing here. A comma before the 'and' to show that it is joining two independent clauses.

In Conclusion

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. The characters were well developed, the story line was intriguing, and it was very well written to keep the reader enthralled throughout. I look forward to reading more about these characters, for sure. *Smile* Happy Anniversary. *BalloonB*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Looking for reviews? Request a review here!
IN & OUT
Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS  (E)
Request a review for items 10kbs and under! ~ON HIATUS!
#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
200
200
Review of Ominous Side  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, ~WhoMe???~ !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a deep, intense, and inspirational read for me. Even without the description the meaning was clear to me. It is so easy to allow ourselves to slip, to give in to the very actions and behavior that we know goes against what we truly believe and think. There is always that part of us that would just love to break free, and if we are not careful it can break through the surface all too easily. Depression is a bit like this for me. Just when I think I have it all good, thoughts that I know do nothing but damage me come running through.

I found this inspirational because it was a recognition of something that many people won't even begin to think about. The only way to get rid of it is to recognize it for what it is, so we can forever distinguish the difference.

Tone & Mood: The tone reflected the struggle well, showing the reader the dark emotions that swirl beneath the surface. Near the end it changed just slightly, showing that it is possible to combat it.

Emotional Impact: Well, I think maybe it is apparent already through my comments, but this hit me in the gut a little. I have been having some issues lately that I didn't know how to deal with, and instead of forcing myself to recognize them, I was hiding under the facade of uncaring. Reading and understanding this piece caused me to see that.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: There was no rhyming pattern that I could discern, but it didn't need it. You used a very effective pattern of syllables through each stanza, creating a great rhythm. I found it easy to maintain the cadence while reading it out loud.


Suggestions:

I have a few minor suggestions. *Smile*

Your sole purpose,
To keep me vigil,
This could be just me, but I felt as though the word 'vigil' was out of place here. The word 'vigilant' would fit the content easier, but it wouldn't work because of the syllable count, so I was thinking maybe something like 'on guard' or 'aware'.

*Bullet*In the first stanza, there is a comma after 'exactly', but I don't think it's needed for the flow of the sentence.


*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I found this to be a wonderful, eye opening read. The concept covered in this is nothing that I haven't ever thought myself once or twice, and the way you present it gives it a tangible presence. I have re-realized (probably not a word) that I am susceptible to this kind of battle within myself, and that I must protect against it. Thank you very much for sharing such a well written, intense, and thought provoking piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed.
483 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 20 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8