This review concludes your current Port Raid. I hope you found the feedback helpful.
I thought this story was very cute. Your descriptions are excellent, though I think you might have overused the word "smiling" a bit.
I enjoyed watching Sam look down the books. Blue, his favorite color, being the main reason he chose the book he did. Nevermind that Dr. Seuss' (I don't know if I spelled that right) Cat in the Hat is one of my daughter's favorite stories.
It made it all the better that Sam reads to his younger brother. I found it very touching. I have made some remarks in your edit points, and hope that they help, but there really wasn't that much to point out. Another great job.
I have enjoyed raiding your port! Good luck and good writing!
It's funny that I should come across your poem today. I read a list of poetry forms and came across "Etheree". After seeing the description I thought, "wow, that sounds cool! I'd like to see one of those!"
And hear is a poem that closely resembles one, minus the ten syllables. Although I know it wasn't your intention in writing it, thank you for giving me this example.
As for the poem itself, I like it very much. I honestly can't see anything to change, and enjoyed the descriptive words. I think this perfectly describes the excitement of that first kiss. Fantastic job!
I very seldom rate five stars, but this is definitely one of those times.
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Another powerful short-short. How do you manage to get so much in such a little piece of writing? 297 words, yet everything you need for a good story is right there! I tell you now if I haven't told you before, I envy this ability with a passion. Wonderful!
Very few corrections or suggestions! 4.5 s!
She pushed the chair back and went into the file cabinet, pulling out credit card receipts and all [the?] statements for the last few months
She picked up the telephone[,] and dialed the number that sprang from the pages, almost mocking her.
She hung up abruptly, as tears began to pour from her eyes. Maybe "abruptly, tears beginning..." or "abruptly; tears began..." ?
Wow! What a powerful story. There really isn't much to it, and yet it strikes a very strong, emotional chord. Without knowing much about her, I already feel for Elizabeth and her unusual situation. Well done!
Corrections/suggestions: I searched with a fine-tooth comb to find something that might be helpful, as you ask for FEEDBACK on your bio. This is all I could come up with, and they are merely nit-picks.
Elizabeth closed her eyes painfully, hot tears welling behind her eyelids. Possibly "eyes, painful, hot tears welling..." I suggest this because that is how my eyes saw it at first.
Hearing her son call another woman, there is no comma needed here
The woman looked over at her as she sat down, her face instantly paled. Might I suggest a ; instead of , ?
Excellent job!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Oh, so much better, Kathie! I love the new details you've added; it gives it even more of a filled out feel. I'm so glad I could help you and watch the story grow. Great job!
*laughs* cute, very cute. Your remark about U's reminded me of the very first time I reviewed a Brit. My god, the whole item was coloured in red! He wrote me back. He said "why have you highlighted coloured? I have checked a dictionary, and it is spelled correctly. The same with humour and gray. Perhaps your interpretation of spelling laws is flawed?" He didn't even mention all the words I'd highlighted that had double "ll"s.
I don't know why he was so rude like that, I gave him a high rating anyway!
I figured, look, Brit's have the English language, American's have the English language, so those are obviously misspelled. Whew, did I learn!
Another great write,Acme. I have greatly enjoyed raiding (and rating) your port, and I will be shore to raid again!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
Clarice had lost a young patientdue to a blood clot that developed in her lungs after a necessary hysterectomy.
The only other solution was to put a instrument down into the lung and grasp the clot, but it just was not in the right position to do that.
I suggest combining paragraph 4 & 5, though I really liked how you offset paragraph 3 - it gives it more emphasis.
Your rewrite of "Newton Times" is much better, also. I can almost hear the reporter. I nit-pick because I watch the news alot, and know approximately what order they arrange their facts in.
"Community in fear, prays for the capture of"
"John Baker, rapist and murderer"
"What he did"
"escaped"
"was supposed to be arraigned Monday"
"Neighbor saw him"
"Police searching the area"
etc etc. lol
But then, I've always been a firm believer in "suspension of disbelief" and making things sound as real as possible - I keep telling my husband "I don't care if it's [my book] a story about cat-people! I want people to be able to believe it!" lol
If you have anymore questions about this piece or another, let me know. I'm happy to help whenever I can.
In answer to your question on the Review Request page: All the information needed for this story to be clear is in it. There is absolutely no confusion about what is going on.
This is great little story. You have a gift that I envy; the ability to write so much with so little words is a talent that I do not have and something I am unable to do.
I do, however, have a few suggestions to make this story a bit smoother. Remember that this is all my opinion.
Until Clarice is in the tub and relaxing, you have everything very past tense. It is hard to connect to any character when we aren't in the moment with them. Try rewriting so there aren't so many "had"s.
i.e. - Maybe start with Clarice in the whirling tub -
Clarice slid into the hot water of her whirlpool with a greatful sigh. If I never have another day like this... she thought.
A young patient of hers died of a blood clot in her lungs, remotely caused by a necessary hysterectomy. How useless - to be saved from uteral cancer only to die by underclotted blood. It was the Hepenephrin that did the actual deed.
- you get the idea. More now, less then. You can tell the past by letting us know how she feels about it now.
Again, with the blurb from the "Newton Times", you slide into past tense or passive voice. Try something along the lines of this:
-The close community of Newton is praying that John Baker, the alleged violent killer of Dr. Clarice Barton and her young daughter is found immediately. Baker, scheduled to be arraigned on Monday for the brutal stabbing and rap of Marion Jacobs, escaped from the Newton County Jail early this morning; law officials immediately alerted the media and posted his picture around the community.
A neighbor reported seeing a man in an orange jumpsuit in the neighborhood around four this afternoon, after recognizing Baker from the photos.-
I hope this helps you out. With a little work, this could be a real stunner! Good job and keep at it!
I found your review request and thought I'd take a look. I should tell you ahead of time that I've never been much of a "freestyle" type of poetry reader; I've always preferred the more old-fashioned rhyme and meter. However, I retract that statement for your poem.
This part: a simple confession - "My Lord my God" - Not an elaborate testimony - A refined me - to find an already - present You. It struck a chord in my heart and made me ache, though I can't really explain the ache.
You have written this in a way that I could almost feel the doubt like a palatable thing, soaking into everything. It's very good.
I do, however, have a few suggestions to make the reading just a bit smoother. Keep in mind that they are only suggestions:
Either by accident or design, there is no punctuation except three commas and a period. For me, this makes it a bit harder to grasp the meanings of each line.
Example: the grimy, earth streaked window [ - ]
an abstract[,] stained[,] glass masterpiece
Blue is suggestion, red is correction. For me, the addition of the dash makes it much easier to comprehend.
Example:I slump into a faded carpet[;}
dust rises in intricate spirals and settles
Again, merely a separation of the same thought - unless each line is to be read as a certain sentence?
I am nit-picking here because the idea and general writing is faultless. Though I feel it needs work as mentioned above, I also think this is a great poem with the potential to be even greater.
Very nicely done. I felt for Cassie, and thought Damien handled the situation wonderfully. Consider this a job well-done.
Corrections, suggestions:There were a few things that I felt cut into the smoothness of the reading. The things mentioned are just suggestions, to do with as you please.
“Oh no,” Cassie moaned, raising her menu higher [and] shielding her face.
Possible rewrite?: That last thing she wanted to do on her first date in months, was talk about the man who left her brokenhearted, but since Adam was on a date in the same restaurant, Cassie didn’t have much of a choice.
- This was her first day in months, and the last thing she wanted to was talk about the man who left her brokenhearted. Since Adam was on a date in the same restaurant, however, Cassie didn't have much of a choice.
Honestly, I have never understood the reasoning behind free-style poems. I've always been of the opinion that if you felt the need to write free-style, you might as well write a story.
Having said that... wow! Despite my personal feelings about poetry, I found this to be an excellent piece of writing. The descriptions are absolutely fabulous and the wording is flawless. Fantastic job!
Hmmm... I like the poem, it's pretty good. However, I had a really hard time putting it to "Jingle Bells". Maybe I'm remembering the song incorrectly?
Anyway, whether it fits the song or not, it's plain, simple, and fun to read. It could use just a little tweaking( though, unfortunately I can't pinpoint exactly where), but it's not bad as it is.
Nice! I really like those last lines "The pain I feel is self-inflicted - for the love I lost I have been convicted -"
The poem has good rhyme, but the beat is off. I've found that when I'm trying to write a metre poem, it helps to count each syllable . 5 - 6 - 5 - 6, etc.
I've even gone so far as to write the numbers above each line so I can remember when I go to the next verse.
It needs a little work, but with that little work it could be a great poem. It has a lot of potential.
My first thought: Where's the rest of it? Then I scrolled up and saw the description "Just the beginning". I'm so glad.
What you have has a lot of potential. It's good. With a few fixes (mostly punctuation) and some expansion, it could be great.
My only real critique: I've had Point of View pounded into my head over and over here on WDC, so I'm speaking from experience. If you're going to write in first person, write in first person. If third person, write in third person, instead of going back and forth between the two. From what I've been told (I've never actually MET an editor, so I can't say for sure) by many of the published authors here, editors frown on multiple POV shifts. Just an observation.
Wow. That's a lot of emotion packed into so few words. I find myself "almost" speechless. (I write novels - I'm never truely speechless )
As a mother myself (and maybe those who aren't mothers would feel the same), I can almost feel the mother's yearning for her son to return safely to her.
Absolutely... just.. fantastic. I very seldom rate five stars, but this deserves it. Well done.
I love it! I especially enjoyed the last part about the Roomba Disabilities Act of 2007. Hilarious! What about "the little creature from hell"?
And my husband laughs at me because I anthromorphisize (did I spell that right?) machines. "The car is groaning again" or "my computer hates me" or "the toaster is tired". lol
This is a great little piece you have here, and a joy to read.
Personal note: my dad is a "if it's broke, fix it, don't buy it" type of guy. Saves a lot of money that way, right? The only problem is, when you have an 8-year-old washer and dryer, a nine-year-old computer and a ten-year-old lawn mower, they all tend to "break that last break" all at once. He lost a washer, lawn mower, and van all in one day!
This is a good "short and sweet". We know so much about "Miss Rivera" in such a short period of time and with few words. We know she is unable to have children. We learn that she is divorced. We know she is depressed.
Fate, however, has a way of dealing strange cards sometimes. Because of her reactions when she finds the baby, we also learn that she is determined and head-strong. How else could someone take an unknown baby, head to the border, and then decide to stay and raise it as her own without question?
Okay, so I'm not a giggler, but you brought it out of me. This is great! I got such a kick out of it, I was actually "laughing out loud"!
Honestly, I'm pretty sure that part of my enjoyment of your "review" is the fact that it carries almost the exact feelings that I have for such movies. My supposition has always been this: If I can laugh during a horror movie, I'm not scared enough.
My favorite part: There are a few places that my mind clings to "AAAHHH, BLOOD, BROTHER, BLOOD!" for example (allow me a chuckle here), but honestly, I couldn't choose. I loved the whole darn thing.
I'd like to showcase on my page "WDC Wonderfuls" - a page for works from other authors. If you don't mind?
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It's funny - I read the first few lines and the music from California Dreamin' came to mind - and THEN I noticed that it was "loosely" based on the song. *mumbles* couldna been THAT loose.
I thought this was a great poem and a fun read.
My favorites: "I bit into a jerk, I caught along the way..." well, the whole verse there, actually.
and the very end (my apologies to the Mommas and the Papas). I'm pretty sure that they're not rolling in their graves. Matter of fact, I picture 'em smiling, snapping their finger-bones and nodding their shining little skulls, wishing they had thought of it first!
I love this story! I thought it was well-written and very easy to read, as well as fun to read. The way you open it up is great - it grabbed my interest and kept it there.
"I keep having these dreams about money. Maybe it’s like a starving person dreaming about food." Excellent descriptive sentence there.
The ending is absolutely fabulous! Though I wouldn't say it is hilarious, I would say that it passes the line of "amusing". I loved it! " Unless, of course, that fancy wine merchant can cash the cheque for eight and a half million dollars." *applause, applause*
Very seldom do I give a rating of five, but I will definitely have to on this one. Also, I am starting a page to showcase other authors on WDC. I would like to add this piece, with your permission. It's "my eyes only" right now, but I hope to have it up within the next couple of weeks or so.
I like it! It's short, sweet, and to the point. I liked how "alone" is a constant throughout the piece. It really gives a feel of how lost this person is without the other. I also thought your use of "with me" and then further down "without me" was a stroke of genius. Good job and keep writing!
Comments: For as short as this is, you've got a great story here. You give the reader a chance to really excercise their imagination, but still fill in the blanks.
"She refused to believe she and Johnny were all that remained of her large family." Right here, we already know that something has gone terribly wrong, though we don't know what it is. For a moment, I thought maybe it was the dog!
"The wildfire spread from forehead to pupil as Johnny’s green eyes glowed a blistering red." The reader goes... "aahhh, so it's the boy!" And then we get a chance to imagine what exactly little Johnny does with his "bad Mommy"
All the needed elements of a story condensed down to the beautiful bare dregs. Excellent. Just excellent.
Corrections: I'm not sure, but I believe that "The farm house was eerily quiet; the usual barnyard cacophony, curiously stilled. " needs no comma after "cacophony".
My favorite description: "Like a wildfire gone amok in a forest full of freckles, red hair flamed across the five-year-old’s forehead." This is excellent imagery. Well done.
Additional comments: Should you decide to expand on this, please let me know. I would enjoy reading it.
Wow! An absolutely wonderful tale and even more beautiful lesson at the end.
My first reaction while reading - I am writing a book. In my original prologue, I have present tense turning to past tense. I have been told time and time again that it was difficult to read. With my eyes open, I read my prologue and said "Ah. I understand how it is that present becoming past can be difficult. I will change it." And then I read your story, and I thought "This... THIS is how it can be written for clarity and understanding. THIS is true poetry in story form."
From the first, the opening caught my attention and drew me along, as if "I" were walking along the streets of Cong, through the grasses, through the Giant's Grave. I stared into the alder blood.
And then, as you moved to the story of Rockabee, I could not help but smile. You made wonderful use of the language, "gravelly voice", "enjoyed the latest rock music", "had a crush on a stone". The entire story of Rockabee is full of such wonderful verbiage. I enjoyed it immensely.
Although I felt the similarities to our world as I read further, your ending touched me deeply nonetheless. A moral to the end of your story.
I could go on. I could, but then you'd have a book for a review. Excellent work. Just excellent. If I could afford to give it an awardicon, I would.
One nitpick: The Council mumble[d]s and murmured for only a moment before Split spoke out the decision
This is very touching writing. In reading it, every word speaks of the love and respect that you have for each of your five heros - and heros they are. At the same time, while there is infinite sadness in your writing there is also a strength of determination and will to live up to the example that they gave you. Perhaps your remaining children see the same kind of spirit in you that you see in these five.
I wish you all the best in everything you do and nothing but happiness along the way. May you see more heroes in your life and lose less of them.
A very nice, if short, poem. I'm a little off on what kind of poem is what, but is it a haiku?
I really like it, but I would like to make one comment. The way you have the second line written "old leaves, cackling", makes it sound as if the lovers are cackling. But if the leaves are old and wise, shouldn't it be the leaves cackling? Just an observation that may be completely off.
Good job, and keep writing!
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She pushed the chair back and went into the file cabinet, pulling out credit card receipts and all 
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