Content:
The content is very good. I like the way it was a well-rounded account of battle to draw closer to the Lord but then retreating. I would only add that perhaps you could expand on this. It ends abruptly and one may ask how you came back like Hosea? Did circumstances draw you back, guilt, longing, etc.? Expand on this and give us a more complete description of this journey that you went through.
Structure/Flow:
The flow of the piece is good, but is a bit hindered by the structure. I small suggestion in breaking up the flow by making paragraphs for each point or transition. It will make it flow more smoothly and make your message more clear.
Grammar:
Your grammar for the most part is very good. However, watch for comma splices. When connecting two complete ideas with a coordinating conjunction (and, but) you use a comma.
Ex.
One weekend I heard a visiting pastor speak on healing.
You don't need a comma in between weekend...I because this is a complete sentence. Also, if you read it out loud you don't make a substantial pause anywhere in this sentence. I still make this mistake if you look at my writing so don't feel bad. I am just trying to offer some friendly and constructive criticism. It is hard for us to notice these things when we are writing it ourselves.
What I liked most:
I like the message that you gave. It is so true that we can become so engulfed in our passion for the Lord, but soon it wains and becomes more of a burden then a pleasure. You took the reader through the breadth of your experience in a positive and uplifting way. This has a lot of great potential and so do you! Keep writing!
Content:
I love the content and the way it is presented. I don't see any problems here.
Structure/Flow:
The flow and structure are very nice. I really enjoyed the "I twist, I fold, I break, I fall" structure and then your description of how you do these. It makes the whole poem flow nicely.
What I liked most:
The items I described above. The structure and flow is wonderful. I really enjoyed this piece. I look forward to reading more of your work. Keep writing!
Content/Imagery:
I loved the imagery. It was very vivid and deep. You have a way with description. One of the most descriptive freelance poems I have read on here.
Structure/Flow:
I didn't see a problem with the flow. It seemed to flow nicely with what you were trying to say.
What I liked most:
I really enjoyed
"the sun slides beneath
horizon’s blanket."
The reference to pictures is also something that I like.
Flow/Structure:
Most of the poem flowed very nicely, however, there were a few places that I had to read it twice and out loud. Perhaps tightening these areas up a bit.
"Soon the rose colored glasses fall"
It seems like maybe too many syllables, but I am not sure.
"Before you let your heart go"
It seemed such an abrupt end. Again, I am not sure, just some things to think about.
For the most part though the poem seemed to flow very nicely. I was able to read it with the rhythm in my head.
Content:
I like the content. Comparing love to heaven and hell is a great metaphor for the many states it can take. Showing the progression of the relationship between these two stages flowed smoothly.
Overall:
A very nice poem. I enjoyed it a lot. I hope you didn't mind the few suggestions. Overall, the poem was very nice. Keep writing! I look forward to reading more from you.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jtaylor
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:31pm on May 01, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
