* This message was last edited: 03-29-09 @ 9:25 pm EDT
Title: City of Sin
Chapter: 3
Author: Gracelin crys
Plot: Crysal was rescued in ch1 by green eyed stranger (Joseph) and now she dreams of him (nightmares) She is betrothed to a son of the wealthy Mandevilles and her engagement announcement will be made at the upcoming party. Something about her fiancé has her on edge
Style & Voice: author has a consistently good voice and, she has developed Crystal very well. Crystal is becoming more likeable as she ventures from the straight and narrow
Referencing: Time period is 2 decades before the Civil war. Horse related terms needs firming up, and I’d be happy to help you on this and any agricultural/natural resources issues of the era
Scene/Setting:It is easy to visualize and imagine the sounds, a few more references (other than manure) to smell would be a good idea. Include an occasional reference to textures will also bring it alive for the reader:
Characters: Crystal is almost annoyingly too prim and proper for a heroine. I’d loosen her up just a tad and make her a little more of her own person and assertive, to weak and she will lose a readers interest- even though she is the damsel in distress.
Grammar: Only repeated use of the word “then” when “than” should be used. Also try to eliminate the “then’ words as the reader assumes what is written next is: “then” coming to pass. Very good use of active voice. Some sentences can be re-worded or combined with other sentences for better impact. Avoid “because, so, & then” in narrative. Only use when there is no other way to convey idea. It is OK in dialogue.
Just My Personal Opinion: Crystal is becoming a stronger character, and therefore more interesting to follow. When it comes to Joseph’s horse, because it seems he is on a nefarious course make him a big beautiful BAY gelding- Black horses, in the most common breeds that have blacks in their heritage are fairly rare, running in the 1-2% range so a Black is a stand out. People would notice and remember a black and especially a stallion. They behave much different than geldings or mares- For an idea of what I mean watch the beginning of the race scene in “The Black Stallion” movie or a documentary “Cloud, Stallion of the Rockies” Stallions have basically ONE thing on their mind at all times SEX- getting mares and defending the ones they get. Bay Geldings can be gorgeous, but much more common therefore a bit less of a standout in a criminal endeavor. I’d suggest a change of the plantation’s name to Oak Lane instead of Oak Alley (alleys have never been considered ‘high class’). Also be careful in your time referencing. In one spot the ball is weeks away then days then back to weeks. Also remember that before the civil war that the wealthy fled the city as the warm weather came- watch the use of fires and warming ‘things’ It isn’t even April here in SE Georgia (weather very similar to New Orleans) and the heat in the house at night (set at 68) RARELY comes on and I occasionally wear a sweater (shawl for that time period). Once in awhile the AC comes on (set at 74) during the middle of the day.
Chapter 3
Crystal’s high-heeled shoes clacked loudly on the wooden floor as she made her way down the hall in the direction of Rose and Dawn’s raised voices. It was the day of the ball had arrived and Crystal had just escaped from her bedchamber , where she had just spent two grueling hours washing, drying and styling her hair into a curling dark mass atop her head. She had then An additional two hours she had spent standing in front of her mirror watching herself be transformed by Katherine and Liza, into someone she didn’t recognize. Her lips and face had been painted. Silver patches of glittering moons and stars were pressed on her cheeks and at the corners of her eyes. Pearls adorned her throat, purposefully drawing attention to her low-cut neckline. She had bathed in milk to soften her skin and then rose water to make even the air around her smell of flowers. With a final warning to Crystal not to let a single hair fall out of place Katherine (Identifying Katherine as Mother more often would be a good idea throughout these chapters) had rushed to the master bedroom for some last minute primping.
If they did not leave soon there would be no getting to the de Mandeville's on time (seeing it was her engagement party arriving late would be totally fashionable in the ‘fashionably late mode.” Alternative sentence: If they did not leave soon, they would arrive much later than the time selected for her fashionably late grand entrance and presentation, and this would not do!,) which would be completely unacceptable. But B y the high pitched shouting that was coming from Dawn’s room, Crystal could safely wager that they were far from ready. With a swish of her many silk skirts, she threw the bedroom door open and strode inside. The scene before her was of Dawn and Rose, half dressed in their evening gowns. Both posed for battle standing at opposite ends of the room; faces flushed with fury, fists clenched at their sides, jaws gritted as they shrieked at one another. In the midst of this two young maids were trying to tie on corsets and keep hair firmly pinned into place. All the while Christy sat upon the bed. A gleeful look on her face as her head swung back and forth from one angry sister to the other.
“What in heavens name are you two shrieking(used this word recently find another how about caterwauling ) about?” Crystal glanced at the gold clock that hung from the wall as she took another step into the room. “Mother is going to take a belt to both your hides if you’re not ready soon.”
“I didn’t take them!” Rose crossed her arms in a childish gesture. “I put them back where they were after you told me I couldn’t have them.”
Dawn lifted her jewelry case and felt underneath; she reluctantly pulled the earrings from their simple hiding place and held them up for all to see. (this section has excellent imagery and shows the relationship between the sisters nicely)
Crystal and Dawn exchanged an understanding glance. Their youngest sister could be such a pest when she didn’t get the things that she wanted, like to go to the ball tonight.
“We have to be in the carriage on our way in thirty minutes,” Katherine’s Mother’s voice rang down the hall way. “If you girls are not ready we are leaving without you.”
Dawn looked suddenly alarmed. “I better hurry or we’ll be late. Oh, I can’t wait ‘til the evening it all begins!”
Crystal smiled half-heartedly at her sister, wishing that she felt the same way about tonight this evenings planned festivities.
It was nearly forty minutes later that Katherine finally managed to rush them out the door. Dawn, at the very last minute, had decided that she wanted to change, but Katherine said that if she took one minute longer she would be left behind. Nevertheless Dawn threw a tantrum, yelling that she should have worn the yellow dress. Once in the carriage they were all subjected to her whining about how she looked thirty ‘old’, until Katherine Mother snapped at her to shut her mouth. Their was a thick silence in the air after that as they rode downtown: James kept fidgeting with his cravat unnecessarily, Katherine was tapping her nails on her fan, Dawn and Rose were endlessly adjusting their hair and shawls, trying to get a look at themselves in the reflection in the window. Crystal was the only one that didn’t stir. She blankly stared at the carriage wall, her thoughts miles from them all. (I would think that she would feel that is was in a funeral cortege on the way to her cemetery entombment)
The de Mandeville's four-story townhouse mansion angled was set at the corner of St. Charles Avenue and Canal Street the ; was lit more brightly then than any other house on the street. Candlelight glowed in every window, illuminating the figures that danced across the floor, swirling in and out of view. Laughter and lively music drifted out through the front doors that stood wide open in welcome to all the guests that were ambling up the lawn. Crystal trailed behind her family as they entered the house. In the entrance hall the butler took their coats and they were led to the ballroom. (At this point I would think her parents would very deliberately push Crystal to the front of the family and pause for a BIG effect for her entrance and announcing the family—even though I am sure they are well known some of the European traditions of announcing arrivals still were in use prior to the Civil war) Dawn and Rose immediately were off into the crowd of dancers, James and Katherine (Her father and mother—using their given names makes them feel like her contemporaries) slipped off to the far corner of the room to greet some business acquaintances, though not before Katherine mouthed to Crystal ‘go find your fiancé. (this part doesn’t ring true to the time period and class setting. For the Host, Hostess and ”crown prince” not to be near the door to greet the arrivals feels OFF. The setting feels too much like one you may see at a party today, not one of a 170 years ago. Possibly re-work this into their greeting at the ballroom entrancevery formally, and lacking of enthusiasm, with Charles trying to pin her to his side as would be fitting a future “lady-of-the-house” and he begging off to fly away in search of a way to hide from/avoid him—The would also add to his character as being manipulative and controlling) But Crystal did not do as her mother wished right away. Instead she leisurely walked about the room stopping for polite conversation with those she knew- and some she didn’t- and then moved on. It wasn’t long before she saw Charles standing at the far corner of the dance floor, head bent low as he conversed with William Dreaux, a spoiled man of twenty-four, who was befriended by many simply because of he had the ear of the chief judge, Bernard Dreaux, his father, and Judge Dreaux was powerful and influential enough to be able to pardon nearly every crime but murder.
Crystal tried to duck out of view, for she wasn’t quite ready for this encounter, but William’s gaze found Crystal and he immediately brought her to Charles’ attention. Taking a deep breath Crystal felt like she was preparing herself for battle as her fiancé’s golden blonde head swung around and his eyes searched for her in the crowd. When they fell upon her a wide smile illuminated his face (Have the smile in his mouth but NOT reaching his eyes) , Crystal returned the smile, t hough not with the same enthusiasm.
It was hard not to turn around and run as both men came towards her; one was strongly built, (is he tall and lean or short and muscular—strongly built can range from the athletic basketball player build to the bulldog Olympic weight lifter) with broad shoulders and grey eyes that were filled with a combination of sophistication and manipulation. The other was of average height with the looks of one who enjoyed Louisiana cuisine a little too often. He had Auburn hair and gold-rimed spectacles that made his brown eyes appear much larger than they really were. The two men were a in sharp contrast to each other, yet they had been friends since childhood, and they were a powerful pair. One day when Charles gained his inheritance, they would own half of New Orleans, but reality (I’ve suggested a reorganization of this sentence in red) Charles would control it all. Everyone knew that William would do whatever Charles suggested. Always a pushover, William had lacked backbone since his school days, when he had first befriended Charles who had saved him from a bully in boarding school. William had practically worshipped him ever since.
“Crystal, my darling, I counted the seconds ‘til your arrival,” Charles said as he bowed low over her hand, placing a light kiss on her silk (what color glove?) glove.
Charles laughed heartily as he gave William a friendly slap on the back that almost knock ed ing his glasses off. “Good man, William, loyal as the day is long.” Charles gripped William’s shoulder as he addressed Crystal. “You have nothing to worry about, my dear, our announcement will be kept quiet until exactly the right moment. Now if you will excuse us, William, I do believe Miss de la Chaise promised me the her first dance.”
Charles offered Crystal his hand and led her to the brightly lit dance floor where a dozen other couples whirled in time with the music. They joined the throng with ease, matching their pace to the dancers around them. For a time they were silent, both concentrated on the waltz that they were performing. It was Charles who finally spoke.
His breath was hot on her ear and Crystal was convinced that her face could not become anymore red. She wished desperately that the dance would end so that she could avoid having to respond to his bold comment. His eyes glimmered with foggy desire and Crystal felt as if he were imagining what it would be like to devour her. M aybe he had a right to stare so openly at her, but why was she so repulsed by his hungry gaze?
“Charles,” Crystal started to tell him to stop. He knew that she didn’t like him touching her like this in public, or anywhere for that matter. She’d told him that before when he’d tried to kiss her as they took a walk through the Oak Alley (Oak Lane would sound a bit classier) gardens the week before the ball. She had been afraid that after their engagement, his advances would become more insistent then before when holding her a little too close was as far as he would go. Now, it seemed all of that had changed, he was crossing lines he’d never crossed before. such B ehavior as this in plain sight of everyone was mortifying. “Charles, please don’t, not here. Please.” Her voice was soft and she wasn’t sure if he had heard her as applause drowned out her words but at that moment the music stopped and .
With a glimmer in his eye he led her off the dance floor and towards the fireplace where he left her seated on an armchair while he went to fetch her a refreshment. Crystal watched the roaring flames (in NO and I am assuming from the previous info that it is April- Possibly mid to Late April, A roaring fire in a house crowed with people in formal attire would make it almost unbearably HOT.) in the hearth her mind focused on the events of moments ago. She was angry– not at Charles– but at herself for being so uncomfortable with her fiancé that she couldn’t stand his intimate touch. What’s wrong with me?! But she knew what was wrong with her, she didn’t love Charles, and she wasn’t sure she ever would.
He returned moments later accompanied by his mother and father, both of whom beamed merrily (merrily makes them sound a bit goofy or daft) happily when they caught sight of her and she rose to greet them.
“Crystal, darling, how are you?” Mrs. de Mandeville took her hands and kissed both her cheeks warmly For some reason up until this point I wasn’t certain that her fiancé was the catch of the town and a Mandeville- I think a couple more references to him as Charles de Mandeville would help- and make it more sense that this is the reason the engagement is being announced at this party) .
Crystal smiled. Her soon-to-be mother-in-law had once been as golden haired and handsome as her son, but the years had turned her locks a dull yellow, standing out in sharp contrast to her fair skin and rosy cheeks. Her once ample frame (was she very plump at one time? Or just busty and strong?) was now frail and tiny and looked as if a strong wind would knock her over. The only thing age had not taken was the sparkle in her eyes.
“Oh, I do realize, Father, believe me.” Charles fixed Crystal with a penetrating gaze, and Crystal felt ill as she remembered his touch from earlier, why did he make her feel so disquieted?
Crystal laughed uneasily as she shook her head, glancing at Charles to see that he continued to watch her, she began fidgeting with the small pearls on her bodice, her eyes downcast. Is it that obvious? She wondered.
Eleanor smiled and drew Crystal near her for a side hug. “It’s alright to be a little anxious, dear,” she whispered, so that Charles and Pierre couldn’t hear. “I know I was, and Pierre was the sweetest fiancé you one could hope for, Charles on the other hand can be somewhat . . . well . . . intimidating, I suppose.”
Crystal nodded, though she didn’t respond. It was only just hitting her that she liked her fiance’s parents more then than (remember that “then” refers to time and can usually have the word ‘next’ inserted and have the sentence still make sense. “Than” is usually used with a qualifier like “more than’, Less than’, “better than,’ or “worse than” In MANY cases your writing will be tighter is you can eliminate the word THEN. As the reader reads we understand what comes next is a “Then” statement) her fiancé.
It was th At the next moment that the orchestra struck up a lively tune and Charles moved to Crystal’s side to offer his hand. “Shall we?”
This time around Crystal kept Charles talking so that he wouldn’t have time to let his mind–or hands– wander. When the dance ended Phillip Almonaster, an ungainly young man of about twenty-three, with silver blonde hair and large almond shaped eyes, offered to lead her in the next dance. It was only polite of her to except, though by the look on Charles’ face he thought otherwise.
*******
Charles stepped to the side of the dance floor and watched his fiancé swirling around in the arms of Almonaster. He didn’t appreciate how closely their bodies were pressed together, and Phillip’s hand was a little too low on Crystal’s back. She was laughing at the gawky boy’s pathetic jokes and smiling that brilliant smile that she seldom wore around him. That was alright, though, he wasn’t marrying her for her smile, her name was more important, and the fact that she was the fairest (is she lighter skinned and haired or is she more amiable?) of her sisters was fine with him.
However, Crystal de la Chaise had been a difficult maid to win, though not impossible. But he had known she was the one he wanted the day he saw her last year, at this very ball. She was the perfect wife for the image he wanted. As a quiet and submissive wife, she would do as he asked without question, beautiful and passionate (how does he know she is passionate? I as a reader don’t see her as this—she seems as if she would be a bit uptight and wven a little prudish—especially with Charles—at this point in the reading) she could more then than satisfy him. However she hadn’t been too pleased with his advances in the beginning, had gone as far as avoiding him, yet he discovered quickly that the best way to get to her was through her family. So he had charmed them all, Katherine adored his charm and statues, James respected his cunning mind, her sister’s thought him ideal, and through convincing them of his honesty and integrity he had won Crystal’s hand, if not her love and devotion. That would come in time. He only wished to bring the engagement to light before she changed her mind. He could see it in her eyes, her doubt, but he knew she was too kind hearted and timid (isn’t she one to feel obligation in this case, not being kindhearted?) to let everyone down. Once their union was announced, she would be his, finally. Then he could attend to his future plans, gaining control of his family fortune.
His gaze sought his father in the crowded room. His eyes finally resting upon the sickeningly annoyingly healthy man across the dance floor animatedly talking to James de la Chaise. It was his active life, everyone said. The excitement of his travels kept him going, though Charles always thought it was the lack of responsibility that kept him alive healthy and vigorous. Leaving your son to watch over your business, wife and daughter couldn’t be all that stressful. Charles recalled the many times his father had stood on the dock urging his thirteen year-old son to look after everything. He had lost his childhood because of the elder de Mandeville Yet . Still the man father acted as if he cared for him , as if he ever cared, Charles thought.
Why couldn’t his father do him the one favor thing Charles wanted more than anything he’d ever desired in all of his life, and just die? Then this would be easy, though he’d already found a way around this, even if it was at a great cost to himself. In another few months everything would be perfect, and he’d be in control of his future.
*******
Crystal spun under Phillip’s arm once more and he again caught her against himself. The conversation had lulled and she was counting the seconds until the dance ended. She caught sight of Dawn dancing with a dark haired Creole (unusual company for the de Mandevilles to keep. Generally the high classes whites did not associate with Creole, mulattos and blacks in a social setting prior to the war) at the other end of the floor. Crystal smiled and raised her brows in question when Dawn spotted her observing them. Her sister smiled in return and with a shake of her head said that she’d tell her later. Once the dance had ended Crystal thanked Phillip and went off in search of Dawn. As she scanned the crowd she saw Rose slip out onto the terrace followed by a young sandy haired boy who Crystal recognized as June’s little brother, John. She was about to follow them and stop whatever it was they were doing when she noticed Charles coming from that direction at her, his eyes flickering over the crowd obviously seeking her.
“Oh, yes.” Dawn sat down on the bench and pulled out her fan, waving it back and forth to cool her flushed face. “I do believe the de Mandeville's have out done themselves this year. This is the grandest ball room I’ve ever seen,” she said gazing around the lavishly decadent room.
“But, Crystal, you don’t seem to be enjoying the night as you should be, didn’t anyone tell you? This is your engagement party.” Dawn smiled brightly mischievously, but when Crystal continued to watch the crowd forlornly, her face fell. “Are you still having doubts about Charles? Crystal surely you realize that love will come with time. You only have to be patient, marrying Charles is the right decision for you, I know it.”
A hint of concern covered clouded Dawn’s features, but then she shook herself and the look was gone. “I think you’ve just got a case of premarital woes,” Dawn said with a grin, obviously trying to lighten the mood, but when As Crystal continued to look down cast, she changed her tone. Squeezing her hand comfortingly she looked her sister in the eye. “Crystal, I can’t erase your doubts, but I can tell you this: When I see Charles I see a good man who loves you deeply and will take care of you. What else can you ask for?”.”
“That’s the spirit!” Dawn laughed as she rose to her feet, pulling Crystal up with her. “Now let’s go see what Rose is doing out on the terrace alone with that Allian boy, shall we?”
Another hour passed– in which time Rose ran blushing from the terrace, followed shortly by a shamefaced young man, Charles cornered Crystal by the piano were she exclaimed that she’d been looking for him everywhere, and Katherine her mother found Crystal and began fussing at her for not dancing with Charles enough. It was when the last note of another waltz with Charles faded that the chime of a small silver bell caught the crowds attention.
Pierre de Mandeville stood before the hearth straight and tall with a bell in his hand. “If you could all give me your attention for a moment please.” His strong voice reverberated around the vast room. “I would like to start by thanking you all for coming, many of you have been invited to our ball every year since the turn of the century, since we Madevilles built this house nearly forty years ago when this house was first built. And that same group might I am sure you have all noticed that my lovely wife, Eleanor,” Pierre gestured with his glass to his wife who was standing at the edge of the fireplace, “has spared no expense, from the fine wine we are all enjoying, to the gorgeous decorations and the excellent dinner we shall soon feast upon. Nothing was left out this year, but my friends I did not do this for you all.” There was a low murmur of laughter across the room. “Love you though I do. This ball, in fact, is for a special occasion, an occasion that I’ve been waiting for for a very long time. But I’m not going to be the one to reveal the secret to you, after all it’s not my secret to tell. So, Charles, if you would.”
.
It took a bit of time for all the guests to get settled. Charles was laughing and entertaining those closest to him within moments. Crystal was glad that he was so distracted and all she had to do was nod and laugh with the rest of them. One of the last chairs to be filled was the chair to Crystal’s right and to her surprise Mrs. Chalmette , of Acacia Plantation, a friend of her family and personal favorite neighbor of Crystal’s, was the one to fill it.
“Crystal, dear, how are you? I suppose congratulations are in order. Though I must say that I never really thought you would end up with someone like Charles de Mandeville, not that it’s my business.” (Break up her congrats with a little description of the woman’s appearance or reactions here and add a bit more later in conversation)
Crystal smiled. Mrs. Chalmette was a dramatic woman in her mid-forties with bright red hair and a long sleek nose. She was nearly six feet tall and though not considered beautiful, Kate Chalmette was a handsome mother of six fully grown children. She often claimed that horses had more sense then than people, and Crystal had half a mind to agree with her. Because of Mrs. Chalmette’s shared love of horses she visited often to examine new horses bought or born foaled at Oak Alley. Last time Crystal had seen her was at the end of February when she had come to Oak Alley to see a sick colicky mare horse.
“The mare is just fine, Mrs. Chalmette, she was up and running only days after you left the next morning. I must say you do have a way with the beasts. My father speaks most highly of you.”
At that moment more then than twenty slaves (Yes, they are slaves, but a high classed girl in this situation would consider them servants as surely they would be formally dressed as a servant at a ball like this) filed into the dining room carrying large trays of food. On the menu tonight, Crystal observed, was cold meats, salads, salmis, galantines quaking in jellied seclusion, and an infinite variety of `a las. All of this was served from side tables, leaving the huge expanse of carved oak for flowers trailing from the tall silver `epergne in the center to the corsage bouquet at each place. Various wines in cut glass decanters and iced champagne were poured into Bohemian glasses. Illuminating all of this were wax candles in crystal chandeliers, and along the table as many as a dozen silver candelabra’s brightened the room.
After abou t an hour– in which time Crystal was distracted herself by conversing enthusiastically with Mrs. Chalmette and almost completely ignoring Charles, who didn’t seem to notice– supper plates were cleared; Crystal’s of which hadn’t been touched, and the dessert trays were brought out. The selection was vast, custards, pies, jellies, creams, Charlotte Russes, a home-concocted sponge cake spread with raspberry jam encircling a veritable Mont Blanc of whipped cream dotted with red cherry stars. Towers of nougat and caramel, sorbets and ice cream served in little baskets woven of candied orange peel and topped with sugared rose leaves and violets, everything looked so perfect she didn’t want to touch it. Her stomach was in complete agreement with that decision. (When in a climate like N.O. and at the time period before refrigeration as WE know it was around, you need to be careful of the use of anything frozen in a scene. Ice procurement for ice boxes was a royal pain in the behind! It could be done, but at great cost, care and labor.)
The meal lasted for almost two hours. and, T o Crystal, it was the most pleasant part of the evening because as Charles was so intent upon his conversation and food that he barely found time to speak to her. After supper there was more dancing, Charles became even more sly slyer about fondling her, to the point that she had to simply refuse to dance with him at all. He tried to find a way around this by suggesting a walk in the gardens which Crystal agreed to only because she knew his parents had taken another stroll as well. He didn’t try quit trying anything upon realizing that fact his parents were nearby.
It was past midnight when the time finally came for them to leave. Crystal, who had been waning for hours, bid the de Mandeville's goodnight along with her parents, and let Charles escort her to the carriage (carriage or coach? Carriages are usually open, but may have a soft top to keep rain and sun off, coaches are hard topped and have true windows. Both are 4 wheeled, writers mix these up all the time!). Her parents immediately disappeared inside, but Charles was in the mood for a long good bye. He kissed her hand numerous times, told her he was the luckiest man alive more than she could count, all the while trying to pull her away from the carriage door and out of the view of her parents. He finally gave up when she claimed that if she did not return home soon she would surely pass out on the sidewalk. He kissed her cheek in final goodbye, whispering as he did so, “Dream of me.” But instead of putting images of himself in her head as he’d intended, Charles managed to do just the opposite. He push ed himself right out of her mind to be replaced by a the man she really had dreamed of.
A The horrible image of a man laying on the blood soaked ground, his chest slashed open reared its ugly head. Crystal stared blankly at Charles’ retreating back as the scene from her dream flashed through her mind; the sudden vision twisted her heart and sent her emotions reeling. She stood there for a full minute trying to pull herself back together. before Turning to Big Ben, who stood standing patiently, waiting to assist her into the carriage she extended her silk gloved hand. “Thank you, Ben,” she murmured, her gaze still blank as she glanced at her mother and father. (carriage is pretty crowded with4 women in full gowns and is it 2 men or one? --she has a brother?)
“You did well tonight, Crystal,” Katherine her mother said, and she felt a her mother pat her on the knee. “Though you could have paid a bit more attention to Charles during dinner, the two of you barely spoke the entire time, not a good sign considering you just got engaged.” Their mother was not one to drown you {c:red } one with compliments{c”red}, She prefered ring a healthy layer of criticism on top of flattery.
Biting back a retort that she would later regret, Crystal sucked in a breath. All Katherine she had cared about since Crystal and Charles had begun courting was how Crystal treated Charles. It had never occurred to her to consider how Charles treated her daughter, and Crystal couldn’t help but resent her for it. She knew it was her mother’s greatest ambition to have all of her daughters marry well and be happy, but somewhere along the path to that goal Katherine had become completely focused on ‘the marry well’ part and had forgotten about their happiness.
“I’m sorry, Mother, forgive me for disappointing you,” Crystal said, her tone sarcastic, though neither of her parents seemed to noticed.
“I didn’t say you disappointed me, darling. I was only suggesting that you pay a little more attention to your fiancé at meal times,” Katherine gently admonished, oblivious to her daughter's anger.
“Yes, Mother,” Crystal said shortly. She once again leaned her head out of the window (windows on coaches! Being warm it is most likely a carriage so she’d lean over the glossy and well upholstered side (think of the carriages used for romantic rides in Central park coaches used for LONG travel and bad weather- Coaches are also heavier- need to be sturdier and therefore much more crowded and use at least 4 horses and really big coaches use 8 Carriages are usually for well maintained roads and have one or 2 horses pulling them—wealthy people strive for MATCHING horses for teams of horses—BIG status symbol) and observed the people on the streets, ignoring Katherine and James her parents (unless later on Katherine and James start taking a really noticeable part in the story, use mother and father, and rarely given names) as they began discussing the success of the night.
Had it not been for the de Mandeville's ball the streets of Canal would have been overflowing with people. As it was, young and old alike strolled leisurely down the sidewalks, or sat drinking refreshments at the many café’s along the street. Some stopped to chat with friendly acquaintances; others called greetings as they walked along the median boulevard (old streets like that were called boulevards or avenues_– a beautifully maintained belt strip of lawn extending down the entire length of Canal, adorned with beautiful flower beds and small lush trees.
New Orleans was a city that was more active at night than during the day. As soon as the sun began to set, activity began to rise. The levee and parks filled with people escaping their houses for a breath of fresh air. Billiard rooms resounded, music struck up, and the city erupted into life.
Giving the bank a final glance, she started to pull herself back into the carriage, but stopped when she caught an odd sight caught her eyes . A huge dark shadow emerged out of an alley beside the bank. There were few lights near the building and it was difficult to see, but the shadow struck her as odd. out-of-place.
She stared wondering what it was, then let out her breath– which she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. It was a horse, but then a smaller shadow emerged out of the bank's front doors. (how is the horse emerging out of the alley and the man out of the front doors- the front would not open to an alley, and eas the horse INSIDE the bank with him? Need to fix this scene so it is cleared- She can also recognize the BAY gelding because he has a star the shape of a question mark… etc) Leaning farther out, she tried to get a better look: it was a man. The bank was long closed at this hour, what was he doing? Staying very still, she watched as the man walked over to the horse and mounted. The horse slowly walked forward, then paused in the lamp light, and her heart skipped a beat.
Could it be?
He was too far away for her to be sure. But T here just was something in the way he sat on the horse that was familiar. Of course it could have been her mind playing tricks on her after the long night of dancing and stressful announcement, and she had been thinking about him only moments before, that had to be it. But even so she had to be sure.
Scooting over to the other side of the carriage, she called out to Rose and Dawn (are they standing on the sidewalk? Has the carriage MOVED? Were the sisters leaning out of the carriage conversing? It’s confusing here what the ‘motion” is) of who were still talking with infatuated suitors. “Forgive me, dear sisters, but my stomach seems to be ailing me. If you would like we will go home now and send Ben back for you.” (Whoa- leave 2 teenaged unmarried girls in the street with MEN un-chaperoned at this part of history!!!! MOM and DAD would freak out at the suggestion.)
“No, Crystal, we will be right there. Hold on,” Dawn called back in a cheerful laughing voice, then and turned back to the young gentlemen.
Frustrated, Crystal slid back to her seat and checked to make sure the man was still there, unaware of the shocked look on her mother’s face. He was under the light, though she could not tell what he was doing. Then The horse started forward into a brisk walk. Walking into out of the alley or bank turning onto the street/boulevard/avenue?)
“Crystal what in heaven's name is so important that you would embarrass us so?” (Did mom, dad or a sister say this?)
Crystal ignored the question, her thoughts focused on the man and his horse. He couldn't leave without her even knowing if it was him! She jumped again to the other window. “Dawn, Rose,” she called out sharply causing more the one person to look at her oddly and her mother began trying to discreetly pull her back inside. “If you would please, it’s getting late and I am feeling quite ill.” (I would think Katherine would be a little upset with Dawn and Rose if she’s ready to go home too!)
Rose shrugged and turned to Dawn to gossip as the carriage lurched and began to move. Katherine opened her mouth, obviously ready to let loose on Crystal, but Crystal quickly apologized so thoroughly that Katherine fell silent.
Crystal lay laid her head against the door, tired and disappointed. It probably hadn’t been wasn’t him anyways, she thought trying to console herself. Why did she want to see him so badly? She had just gotten become engaged, why was this mysterious stranger at the forefront of her mind at all? As they rode past the bank the alleys were dark, but empty (is the Bank directly across from the Mandeville’s mansion?). They moved on at a steady pace. The sound of the hoof beats and the light rattle of wooden carriage wheels against the cobbled street was lulling her to sleep. but then Suddenly sounds it got became much louder. Realizing it was not just their carriage that was making the sound s she sat up straight and looked out the window. There was no one there. She leaned out farther to see behind them. No one. Once again disappointed, she started to lean back inside against the smooth cool leather upholstered seat back. That’s when she saw him. There he was!
In an alley– not fifty feet from her, his face covered in shadow, but still his face. He wore all black, black hat, black boots, everything, just the way he had been in her dream. It was nearly impossible to see him, and yet she did. His horse stepped forward, and Crystal realized he was watching her too, a stunned look on his face in his emerald green eyes shone as he watched the carriage pass. Their gazes locked for an instant, and in that gaze she felt a terrible heartache and a choking longing that made her catch her breath. trembled deep in her heart and soul.
In A moment, and he was gone. melting into the shadows once more. Was he a figment of her imagination, an apparition, or an omen?
Crystal watched the alley that he’d disappeared into, until they turned the corner and it was were out of sight.
She was barely aware of the rest of the ride home . It was nothing short of a miracle that she had seen him again. Now she knew that there really was had to be something to her dream. It meant something Maybe she could help him, save him, somehow.. keep this a mystery and let the reader think this, not Crystal
It was only when she was sitting at her vanity table brushing her hair later on that she began to realize it would be nearly impossible to find him, someone she didn’t know in a city as big as New Orleans. No. It was a foolish idea. She couldn’t go wondering about by herself. She didn’t even know his full name– or if Joseph was his name– and If Charles found out he would be furious, not to mention the reaction of her parents. Was it really worth it? Praying for sleep she crawled into bed not even caring to braid her hair. The night had been long and she had thought her mind would be consumed with Charles and the plans for her wedding, but when she closed her eyes all she could see was the stranger and his anguished green eyes.
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) With the heat the inside of the knee area will hurt much sooner than the backside. Also- I'd doubt any person renting horses would allow a tourist out into the desert alone w/o guide in shorts, no hat or water. Horses are a part of their livelyhood, and he needs the mare to come back to him whole. Camping on the bottom of a dry wash in Arizona is not something a seasoned person like Jack would do either. There can be a storm 50-100 miles away in the mountains and with out warning that dry wash is now a roaring flash flood.