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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I am a she, and glad that my essay on this issue caused some rattling around in your head-- just as it has been doing in my own!

Lyn
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Review of Scars  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
As a former teacher, I came down hard on thoe kids who thought they were better than other ,ids. It's to bad that more teachers and administrators and parents from the time kids start schood don't become more pro-active in stopping the kind of bullying that "Winter" was doing in this story, and that there wasn't an adult that "kelly" could have talked to, before taking such drastic action.

Your last sentence "Winter... something bad happened to Kelly." should have all your readers going "Yeah, Winter is the bad that happened to Kelly to begin with."

critique-- check your formatting so that the paragraphs have the one skipped line spacing standard formatting here on WDC. Otherwise a good write.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is quite a humorous idea. Too bad that terrorists didn't dicide that having sex would be a more rational way of vengance-- biologically speaking it is far more rational to spread genetic heritage than to kill it off.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
sinc should be spelled sync and presense is spelled presence. Capitalize the word "I." You missed it it in the sentence: I waited more until "I" fell asleep. In the last sentence it should read: Protecting me, and I know as long as I... In narrative voice you don't need to use the word 'then' except in dialogue as the reader accepts that what comes next happens "then".
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
The word "I" should be capitalized. You capitalized the "I" in I've.

The line she heard she turned she smiled would be more rhythmic if you punctuated it in one of a couple of different ways Try either: she heard-she turned- she smiled or she heard, she turned, she smiled or she heard... she turned... she smiled You have other lines that should be altered in a similar manner.

she had cancer 2 months to live, try: she had cancer... two months to live,

dyeing should be dying

Don't forget the apostrophes in contractions like can't
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Cute story of a"fish' or in this case a cattleman out of his element. Germany would be a really odd place to hold this kind of convention-- you'd more likely find it in France or England, or now even in Russia. Germany isn't known for being a "beef" producing region, but leans more towards dairy production.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Amy-

Any story that can have me laughing to the point where I nearly pee my pantie gets a 5 from me. I think your nephew's gift was absolutely delightful and sounds like something like what I might do!
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a wonderfully delightful story and touched my quirky sense of humor.

My only suggestion is this He was smart, delightful, and a jumper. But before I found him a new home, I almost killed the poor puppy.
change to : He was smart, delightful, and a jumper, but before I found him a new home, I almost killed the poor puppy.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
The word 'I" is ALWAYS capitalized, no matter where it is found in a sentence. The first word in every sentence must start with a capital letter, and you need yo use apostrophes when you use contractions. Don't write: cant; do write: can't. Always write out words under one hundred, and put a space between the period of the end of one sentence and the beginning of the next sentence. Some editors prefer two spaces seperating sentences, but at a minimum use at least one. Run your piece through a spell check program too.This piece would be more interesting with some dialogue.

The father being hauled away for slapping the daughter-- even though you have implied that this is an on-going abusive event is a stretch. Child protective services would be called in and a police investigation done before her placement in foster care.

This piece needs to be broken up into paragraphs for example change this: I walked up the sidewalk and sat at the bench. i slid down the sleve of my Never Shout Never black jacket to reveal the red streaks covering my arm. It was so beautifull i couldnt belive it. i couldnt feel any pain when i someone or myself got hurt anymore.it was fun not so dramatic. i was invinsible like WonderWoman except with all black clothes. My hair was balck to. After i died it from its original blonde. I frequently streaked it but for the past few months i keep the streaks red. They reminded me of my arms but it was different cause with the streaks there was no pain and people could see. i also had one clip-on purple extension that i always wore. I called it my bloody heart. it was like wearing you heart on yor wrist but on my hair.it showed me that my heart was always there but it was always bleeding. Which somehow made me feel better. I didnt care if i didnt have love in my life beacause i had friends and i loved them so in other words i did have love i just didnt need to be "in love"......If that makes sence. Music was the only thing that makes scene to me. i play the Viola which is a little bit bigger the the violn.It isnt very well known but i know all about it. ive only been paying for 1 year and before that i played the violn for 2 and a half. the only reason the half was there was beacause i quit in the 5th grade half way though the year beacuase of my evil orchestra teacher. besides remembering what i learned from her i didnt rember her.

Should look like this:
I walked up the sidewalk and sat at the bench. I slid down the sleeve of my 'Never Shout Never' black jacket to reveal the red streaks covering my arm.

It was so beautifull I couldnt belive it. I didn't feel any pain when I got hurt anymore. It was sort of fun, not so dramatic as it appeared.

It made me feel invincible like Wonder Woman except with all black clothes. My hair was black too, after I dyed it from its original blonde. I frequently streaked it, but for the past few months I keep the streaks red. They reminded me of my arms. but it was different because with the hair streaks there wasn't any pain and people could see them. I had one clip-on purple extension that I always wore. I called it my bloody heart. It was like wearing your heart on your sleeve, but for me it was on my hair. It showed me that my heart was always there, but it was always bleeding, and somehow this made me feel better.

I didnt care if I didn't have love in my life beacause I had friends and I loved them. I did have love; I just didn't need to be "in love"....If that makes sense.

Music was the only thing that makes sense to me. I play the viola which is a little bit bigger the the violn. It isn't very well known, but I know all about it. ive only been paying for one year. Before that I played the violn for two and a half years. The only reason the half was there was beacause I quit in the fifth grade half way though the year beacuase of my evil orchestra teacher. Other than remembering what she taught me, I can't seem to remember her at all.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sierra- This is a vast improvement over the original! The openining scene with Saphire is less cutesy and more powerful. The added scene of Damien's conversion is a good choice.
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Review of Them Green Eyes  
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Rated: ASR | (3.5)
As a survivor of domestic violence (and he also had green eyes), this poem made me sick to my stomach. For a woman to totally loose her own her own will and personality to a man just because of a memory of a love once shared, not caring about her own survival because of those remembered green eyes, is sad. Even more frightening is the idea that this poem perpetuates that a woman would, could or should allow this to happen to herself, does nothing to help the multitude of women who are in abusive relationships. It may help some understand why some women stay, but it would be better to help women in this situation make the decision to leave those green eyes(or any other color)-- they are not worh your life, or that of your children.
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Review of MonkeyFish  
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nicely constructed fable. My one suggestion is to not start sentences with conjuctions of but or and. Re-write the sentence to give it more impact.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I normally do NOT review poetry, but this poem really spoke to me. I was greatly amused with the irony of the final line. Very well done!
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
correct this: This guy was defiantly up to change to: This guy was definitely up to

correct this: Doyle was up to know good; to: Doyle was up to no good


The story is beginning to have the feel of Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas series, be careful to make sure the story stays your own and not a complimentary copy to his series.
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Plot: Show that the MC has precognative dreams but is otherwise a veru ordninary person.
Chararacters- MC- last name of Parker, family history given of 2 brothers mother and father divorce and father raises the boys until he dies of diabetic complications. Girlfriend Samantha
Voice and grammar- well constructed, flows nicely.
just my opinion: I am looking forward to reading more of this story. (I've had precognative dreams myself)
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Rated: 18+ | (1.0)
Stick to science fiction. You do it much better than political commentary, or knowing the Constitution of the USA and US history. (I have at least taught US history and government) With Obama, the rest of the world is looking at the USA as the standard bearer of freedom and justice again, not the thug and bully reputation GWB blackened our country's name with, even with our own allies.

There are people being held at Gitmo that have never been solidly linked to any terrorist plot, and some are even USA citizens being held without due process. Terrorism is NOT war. Terrorism is an act of a realitively small number of people without a country's sanction to create fear and panic in a population of another group that they have differing political or religious beliefs with. With your arguement- the act of terrorism in Mumbai would constitute, an act of war of the USA against India, as one of the main plotters of that massacre is a US citizen, and India would be fully justified in invading the USA in retaliation. I'd hate to see that happen because the population of India vastly out numbers the USA. To try to win a war of that magnitude, it would most certainly turn nuclear, which would mean all of the earth would lose.

It sounds like you take everything Rupert Murdock's Fox News as gospel. Having actually met the man-- I can tell you he is a very opinionated person, and tries to force feed his views down the throats of all who don't agree with him. His use of Fox New's less than unbiased reporting to an intelligent person would be laughable, if so many (your 49%-ers) were not goose-stepping to his views.
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Review of Georgie Flies  
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
If your story didn't already have a blue ribbon tacked onto it, I would most definitely give it one. I am usually the reviewer that takes a hatchet as well as a scalpel to a piece, and NEVER a butter knife. This is very well done and deserves the five stars. Great job!
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Review of Just Another Day  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
The story is well constructed, but considering this was for a contest, having him miss the plane because he got lost in the parking or terminal area and watch the news as it rolls in as he waits for a later flight would be a fresher twist on something that has been written and filmed quite a few times..
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Georgianna Lyn d'Bolt du Juracetys
All written reviews receive GP!

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Review of The Haunting Hero  
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Title: THE HAUNTING HERO
user: Winnie Kay
plot: a Vietnam vet has nightmares about his time in Vietnam, but doesn't want to tell his wife that is what the dreams are about. He also does not want to see a psychiatrist for help.
Voice and style: Told in third person using colloquial language. Some of the language needs to be moved up a generation or two.
Grammar: use apostrophes when you're dropping the G. off the end of the words in the dialogue.
Just my opinion: because this was an entry in a flash fiction contest using three words: window, nightmare and coffee I would have focused the most unsetting up a story that would have the reader feel the nightmare. This in part could be done by starting off using the word window and having it raining or hailing outside to set the tone, and then draw the reader into the actual nightmare and have him be woken up by his wife and the smell of coffee. You could still keep your cute phrase about the cattle prod. It would just be taking the story and reorganizing it a bit to give it more impact.
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“ . . . up, you old fool.”

“Ooowww! Quit pokin' me. Why don’t ya just use a cattle prod? Damn, woman---I was sound asleep.”

“Well, I wasn’t---thanks to you screaming ‘Run, George! Run!’ It’s that same nightmare again, ain’t it?”

“I --- I don’t know what you’re talkin' about.”

“Uh huh. You can‘t lie to me, Thomas I would either use his whole name first, middle and last or not use his name at all. . Not after forty years of putting puttin’ up with your tomfoolery craziness. Sit up and look at me.” tomfoolery falls in to the same category as poppycock -- it is used by a generation older than the Vietnam war generation.

“Ok --- Ok --- I’m lookin'. What do ya want?”

“You’re soaking' wet. I can smell the fear coming rollin’ off’n of you.”

“For Christ’s sake, Wilma. you need a little more modern name for the wife. Wilma was a name popular with the World War I and World War II generations. The sun’s not even up yet. Now, go back to sleep and give me some peace.”

“Not 'til you tell me who the hell ’George’ is and what this is all about.”

“It’s nothing. I don’t even remember the dream now.”

“Poppycock. poppycock would be a word that was used by a generation much older than the Vietnam war generation. She would most likely use BS! Instead a poppycock I think you need to see one of those head-doctors. Seeing this set in current modern times, she ought to come right out and call the doctor a shrink or psychiatrist. Again the older generation born well before 1950 would refer to them as head doctors. She could also add that it's his VA benefits would cover posttraumatic stress disorder and maybe that's what this is. Maybe they can help.”

“I don’t need some cocky half-assed so-called docshrink, half my age, snoopin’ and tinkerin’ with my brain. Now, I said let it go.”

“Fine --- go ahead and scare me outta my curlers how many women sleep in curlers nowadays? This little item goes to believability. A wife of a Vietnam vet would definitely not be sleeping in curlers. The the end of the 60s and 70s girls grew up with long straight hair. with your wailin' g. I might as well set the coffee pot to perking' since we’re wide awake.”

Thomas listens to the old stairs creak as Wilma plods down to the kitchen. He drops back on his pillow and stares at the blackness against the window. I know that one of their prompts was to use the word window in the story. You could've opened it with rain or hail beating against the window in the staccato sound of machine gun fire. This would automatically have set the tone to be a little more ominous and creepy.

The dream is still fresh --- an undeletable recording, activated by an uncontrollable remote, at unannounced show-times. On the screen, in the theater of his mind, he watches Corporal George McClain distract the Vietcong by noisily zigzagging amid the dwarfed trees, allowing Thomas and his fellow Marines to quietly escape through the jungle in the opposite direction. The report of the AK-47s is surround-sound clear. To make the nightmare more horrifying, he should actually see the bullets strike his friend. The other problem with this is the description of the Vietnamese jungle. The dwarf trees aren't what one normally thinks of when you're picturing the Vietnamese jungle. Where you might actually find scrubbier trees would be on the highland plains, not the low land swampy jungle areas of so many major conflicts. Also you may want to include other sounds that he would have heard before the AK-47s began shooting and the sound of other guns and explosives going off.


Georgianna Lyn d'Bolt du Juracetys
All written reviews receive GP!

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20
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Title: Saphire's Discovery Chapter 2
Author: Numb Hands
Plot:.Saphire finds out she is a witch of a prophecy
Style & Voice:told in 3rd person, The writing style is simple almost fairy-tale like
Referencing: Set in modern day but a magical realm
Scene/Setting: Magical city
CharactersSaphire, mandy, Doc, Damien and Atrune
Grammar: Some punctuation errors, and there are places where wordiness takes over. Other places need more description and explaination.
Just My Personal Opinion: You need to first determine who your target audience age, and reading level is, then develop the characters so that they are real people to you before you begin to write so that we see and hear their voices clearly.
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Sentences underlined are within 5-10% in length of one another, consider a revision to improve readability.
19 Words in blue are the dreaded ly ending words/adverb. Consider using a stronger verb to eliminate the adverbs where ever possible.
Flesch reading ease: 88.1
Flesch-Kincaid grade level: 3.5

The fire ball sun in the sky shined brighter than ever high in the sky (unless this is supposed to be a planet other than Earth just call it the sun. Saying that the sun shined brighter than ever, would mean that the sun was going supernova, which would not be a good thing.) . The temperature was warm with the fiery rays. Small clouds provided just the right amount of shade. A gentle breeze cooled where is the cool breeze coming from? off the hot spots why are their hotspots? . Tulips reached up to grab the light. People sat in the grass enjoying the warmth. Everyone smiled, laughed, and had fun being together. Parents watched as their children ran. Birds chirped their songs, everybody in love, no one left out. this idyllic setting that you are describing is illogical. Not everyone could be in love, on the left out. Your main character is not in love, is she? Also it is so sickeningly sweet that it makes the reader either want to barf or to find this Oz-like place. ‘Wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could be so happy? ’ Saphire thought to herself as she relaxed in the park.

‘What could go wrong on such a beautiful day?’ remove the previous sentence because you have her thinking this is a perfect day so why would she actually think anything could go wrong unless you have her getting a premonition. Saphire lay down on the grass, and shut her eyes. Ruby eyes watched her from the bushes. The eyes belonged to a ghastly creature, with boils that covered his body and the smell of rotten meat emanated from him. I would remove this previous sentence because you're getting a description before it is needed. By removing the majority of the description and help to build tension as to what is watching the girls from the trees.

“Saphire, what’s wrong? why do you have Mandy asking her what is wrong and obviously Saphire is drowsing in the day heat? A better statement would be Saphire, wake up! ” Mandy, her best friend of twenty years, sat down next to her. here have Mandy begin to shake her friend to get her to wake up and pay attention to her. Unless this phenomenon of glowing has happened to Saphire before, Mandy should be quite alarmed by this new development.

“Nothing why?” She sat up.

“Honey look at your hands. They’re glowing,” Mandy said.

Saphire gasped as she looked at her hands. A bright violet light radiated from them. “Oh my, what is this?” obviously she's never glowed before? Because if she has this question is totally out of place. If she has any idea that she is a witch and has powers then maybe there should have been some little precursor episodes, possibly having her fingertips glowing at various times. She glanced around to see if anyone else noticed, but nobody looked twice at the two women. are all of the people in this park used to seeing other people glow like a lightning bug? If so then somewheres earlier on in need to explain that this town is not a normal human town but one of magical beings.

“Saphire. I think something evil is out here,” why does Mandy automatically jump to the idea of evil being out there? You need to have a reason for her to say this otherwise it doesn't make sense to the reader. Possibly one of those earlier fingertip glowing episodes had to do something with a minor evil and that would allow Mandy to make that kind of connection, but you need to let the reader understand Mandy's thought process. You have the luxury of writing in third person and can show both women's thoughts. Mandy said hesitantly . if Mandy truly believes that there is evil all their she would definitely not say it hesitantly!

“Hey now, just because I’m doing something weird doesn’t mean I’m evil.” Saphire was offended. I think here you'd be better off stating that Safire feels oddly, possibly with goosebumps, hair standing on end, shivers, etc. any of the devices that would normally indicate that she too felt something was wrong, rather than having her misinterpret what her friend said.

“Sweetie there are a lot of things about this world you’re not aware of yet. they have been friend's for more than 20 years but there are a lot of things that Mandy hasn't told her about the world that she's living in? This feels a bit off. If this information has been kept from her for a reason let it show in Mandy's thoughts. Please let’s go somewhere else to discuss this. I have a really bad feeling.” Mandy was pacing on the soft green grass.

“Can you explain Do you know what’s going on? Why I’m glowing like this lit up like a lantern in a lighthouse? ” Saphire stood perplexed. As she stood the grass tickled her bare feet. I would doubt very much that she would notice the grass tickling her feet and she's standing there looking like a human flashlight. Try to emphasize the feelings that she might have that would indicate that something really is wrong and that something evil is nearby.

“I may not be able to explain everything, but I know someone who can.” Mandy surveyed the entire park as she began to head toward The Wagon Wheel Dinner diner . Her floral summer dress swirled around her lean muscular legs.

“Wait.” Saphire stopped in mid stride. “Something is here, I can feel it and it is getting stronger . I have no clue what‘s going on, but I do know I can’t leave just yet.” Saphire was confused. She knew she needed to leave, however she could feel evil lurking somewhere waiting. She couldn’t leave all these people without knowing they would be okay. As much as she wanted to run away her grandmother had always taught her to protect the innocent at all costs. sentences that are highlighted in green need to be reworded. An example could be: Sapphire felt torn between the feeling of needing to flee and needing to honor her grandmothers teachings to protect the innocent at all cost. “Over here Mandy. The feeling it gets stronger when I head for the trees over there in this direction.” she said as she pointed towards a line of trees She took her friends arm. They had been close a long time. Saphire was eight years old when she first met Mandy. She came to her grandmothers for a visit, and Mandy was helping grandma hang the wash. Immediately they clicked and have been best friends since. this information about their friendship would be better given earlier rather than here. I suggest what I have highlighted in green is moved higher in this chapter.

Saphire walked straight toward the creature’s hiding place. the trees. “Yuck, what is that smell. Maybe there’s It smells like a dead animal close by .

“I have been watching you,” came a deep scratchy voice from behind the bushes. “You are not what I expected.” He revealed himself. now you can describe in some detail what this being looks like, we already know what he smells like and that he has red eyes

“M…M… Mandy, what do we do?” Saphire grabbed her friends arm. “What is this thing?” She was frightened, but she tried not to show her fear. by stuttering and grabbing Mandy's arm and asking her what that thing is it all shows her fear. Rather than doing this as the glowing of her hands intensify and creep up to her elbows. Possibly even have her eyes change color. Anything that will show that she is able to detect evil and react to it will be a good thing because the reader is going to expect her to fight this being the way you have it set up so far. So unless you want to kill your main character off in your second chapter, you need to show that she has powers that are untapped that can help her at least ward off this being.

Ruby eyes bulged out of it‘s head. we already know about his eyes, give us some other details about his looks. Is he short and fat, tall and thin, bent or crooked, one armed or six armed? He is your invention so make him unique . It wheezed with every breath, while greenish-yellow puss oozed out of the boils that covered it‘s face. “My master would like a word with you. He says you are the key to our victory. Come with me, and you shall have all the answers you desire.” the creature held out his short stubby hand as if Saphire would touch it for Saphire to take it .

“Saphire, this thing That is called a goblin. Don’t trust him. Goblins, In all my life I have never come across a good one goblin . Please, we must get out of here. even have an urgent situation here, but you have Mandy speaking in a way that shows no urgency at all. She should be saying, "Saphire we need to get the hell out of here, now!" I have no idea how to defeat it.”

“Saphire is it ? , b B eautiful name.” A stubby hand reached out to grabbed at her she spun to leave . “I shall return the favor and tell you my name, I am Atrune. I’m prince of the goblins. I wish you no harm, I’m just here to ask you to come with me to speak to my master,” He wheezed out. generally in the magical world if one knows the name of the being it gives one power over that being, so having Atrune give his name is not logical. He might brag that he is a prince of the goblins, but not give a specific name.

“I can’t go with you. Please tell your master that I do apologize, but I don’t trust that it is the best thing for me.” okay she is being too freaking polite! Gross evil creature that stink's! For crying out loud be a little rude! Saphire began to back away. She didn’t want to turn her back on the creature.

“You will be sorry witch.” Atrune he raised his arms to strike out her; his short black cape dusted the ground. what is the importance of his cape dusting the ground? If it doesn't have any real significance then pick something else about the scene that does mean something ominous!

“Saphire! Watch out,” Mandy screamed.

Saphire turned in time to avoid the black ball of mist is this ball of mist slowly floating at her, or is it coming at her like a cobra strike? How does she avoid this ball of mist -- does she duck, leap over it, jump to the side, fall to the ground or do some fancy ninja move? coming at her. “What the…” As she looked at Atrune the disgusting aggressive goblin , she knew she wouldn’t be able to leave without a fight. The trouble was she had no clue how to fight this thing. “Listen, I don’t want to fight.” right here as the reader I want to smack her upside the head for saying listen I don't want to fight. Have her yell at him that no matter what he does to her she will not go with him. At least then she is showing some spine! She is an adult woman, not a child. She continued to back away.

“I was told commanded that if you refused to come with me , I am was to destroy you. Enjoy your last moments. Oh and for your peace of mind, When I am finished with you , I will destroy the so called beautiful town of Serenity.” Atrune the goblin Prince positioned his nasty wart encrusted feet on the ground, lifted his slimy little stick-like arms above his head, and began to chant so low only his lips moved with no sound.

“Not this time.” Saphire wasn’t sure what to do, but she had taken self defense classes, and she knew she couldn’t let this thing hurt all these people. She noticed the violet light surrounding her was even brighter. “I will not let you hurt my friends.” She remembered a dream she had like this. As she closed her eyes, her subconscious took over. “You will fall now this statement lacks power. It is very anti-climactic -- either leave it out or come up with something that has some real punch to it ,” as she said this, a gigantic ball of light flew from her hands and hit Atrune directly in the chest. He flew ten feet in the air and landed with a thud on the ground. this ball of light in his flying through the air is a good description.

“You are stronger than we thought.” He grabbed his chest as he stood. “I will not let you do that again.” He started to position himself once again. His eyes closed this time; hands came together as if in prayer black lights shined through the blue slime wouldn't that pus of his hands the green? . Before he could even mutter chant Saphire hit him with another ball of magic, only this time one of his grubby hands flew away from the rest of him. new paragraph “Nooooo,” he screamed. “This is not over. We shall return.” He swathed his left arm in his cloak. is he going to leave without his hand? “Next time I will watch as you suffer.” Atrune He snapped the slimy blue fingers on his right hand, and disappeared in a black ball of dust.

“Saphire, are you okay?” Mandy ran to Saphire’s side just in time to catch her. “Saphire, oh God, please wake up,” she cried.

Mandy picked Saphire up, thankful she had listened to her mother and started going to the gym, and headed for the Wagon Wheel Diner. ‘Doc will know what to do,’ she thought to herself. Mandy turned onto Honey Street, and noticed the newer Avalanche parked in front of the diner. ‘Should I still take her there? What if the stranger isn’t a good one? Forget it I have to get her help now. I will have to take my chances.’

“Doc!” Mandy burst into the diner. “Doc, I need your help now,” She yelled.

“Mandy what’s going,” Doc froze as he noticed Saphire unconscious in her arms. “What happened?” His brain began to work again.

“We were in the park, Atrune a goblin prince was there. He said something about his master wanting her, and when she refused he attacked. He didn’t touch her though; somehow she managed she needs to briefly describe what happened, not to say that Saphire ran him off to run him off. After he disappeared she passed out,” she rushed out in one breath.

“It sounds like she used her power, and since she is untrained it drained her. Bring her back into my office, she needs to rest.” Doc held the door to his office.

“Is she okay?” A strange new voice said.

Mandy turned to see a man with long black hair, ice blue eyes, and a gorgeous body behind Doc. “Who are you?”

“I am Damien Duates. I am here at the request of my Grandfather Alex Duates. Please is she okay?” He sat next to Saphire’s limp body on the couch. ‘This must be her. Grandfather said I would feel a strong urge to protect and right now I feel the urge to kill whoever did this to her,’ He thought to himself.

“I believe she’ll be fine. Nevertheless, if she doesn’t get some training soon I can’t make any promises.” Doc turned to Mandy. “You said the goblins name was Atrune. Did he say who his master was, or why he wanted to speak to Saphire?” He looked at her with impatient eyes.

“No, he just said that his master told him Saphire was the key to their victory,” she paused. “Doc what is going on?”

“Mandy it is time for us to talk, Damien please join us. You have some insight as to what is going on.” Doc proceeded to a booth.

The ceilings were low, candles floating this sounds like Harry Potter’s floating candles through the room. People were quietly talking about their own busy days as the three sat down. The walls were decorated with pictures of the old west. Miniature covered wagons were placed through out the diner. Old wooden wagon wheels hung on the walls. The smell of hamburger grease and frying oil mingled together in the air.

“Damien why don’t you tell Mandy why you are here. It might help to explain a little.” Doc looked meaningfully at him.

“All right, my grandfather sent me on a quest. A quest to find a woman, this woman is a very important part of the war between good and evil. usually more stories about magic are battles between good and evil. I don't think having Damien spell this out in this chapter is necessary. You want to build some suspense about who and what are the forces on each side. I’m not too sure of all the details. I do know, however that Saphire seems to be the woman that the prophecy I think giving some idea of what the prophecy is would be a good idea, not specifics but some generalities. Include in them a few misdirections. And my grandfather are looking for.” Damien took a sip of his water. “Doc please, tell me she’s going to be okay.”

“She will be fine.” He turned towards the pretty blonde woman. “Now Mandy, I will tell you what I know. About 75 I'd make the prophecy of back many many years further Possibly have a prophecy state that there would be a witch born that would change the balance of the world. Simply leave it at that for now. Leave out Andreas and the struggle between good and evil. Years ago a prophecy was told, they spoke of a witch that was to be powerful enough to take down Andreas. It was said if the dark side got a hold of her all the good in the world would suffer. At the same time it was said, if the good got her then all the evil would be put in its place. That is all I know of the prophecy.”

“I understand Doc, but how do we know who is on the good side and the bad.” Mandy looked at Damien.

“Do not fret. Damien has all ready passed the test. what is Damien have to pass? That would be the question Mandy should be asking He is on the good side, he means us no harm. I am hoping I can convince Saphire to go with him. Damien’s grandmother is a wonderful witch and how does Doc know Damien's grandmother? Again a question Mandy should ask. And would be able to help her immensely .”

“Doc, I have a question for you. Why is it Saphire has not been told about who and what she is? I would think it would have been smarter to tell her earlier in life so she could have been trained when the time came. Another thing, how does she not know anything about it? I mean it’s not like you guys hide magic around here,” Damien asked. it is damn good question, and a question that Mandy should also be asking.

“First off it was her Grandmothers dieing dying wish that she not be told unless absolutely necessary. As for her not being able to figure it out on her own, well that is because of her grandmother as well. You see Emma was a great witch; however she was afraid that if she trained Saphire it in the art that she would be just what she is. Emma didn’t want that for her granddaughter. She decided if Saphire was never told, she could never be the one,” Doc said. if I were Mandy and Damien I would be saying was a pretty stupid idea!

They sat in silence for a moment while everyone considered what had been said. The door to the office came open with a slam…

“I will not let you hurt the innocent people of this town Atrune ,” Saphire yelled.

“Saphire it's okay.” Damien was the first at her side. “Atrune the goblin is gone. You scared him off. Come sit with us and relax. You must be hungry.”

“Who are you?” Saphire looked at the man helping her to the booth. When he smiled, she noticed he had cute little dimples, “How did I get here? Mandy what happened?”

“Saphire, this is Damien, he is here to help. Everything will be okay. I’m not positive about what happened, but whatever you did it took a lot out of you. You passed out, and I brought you to Doc at the Wagon Wheel Diner I would think that Safire would know the interior of the diner seeing she lives in the town. So change it to just "I brought you here to Doc," ” Mandy said.

Saphire took a look around her; she was definitely in the diner. She noticed Doc looked at her with concern in his chestnut eyes. ‘He was an old man; he didn’t need all this stress,’ she thought. “I’m sorry.” She looked at the floor embarrassed.

“There is no need to apologize; you have had a traumatic event. Damien has been looking for you, and I believe you should talk to him. He can help you in ways that no one else can.” Doc reached across the table to give Saphire’s hand a gentle squeeze. This man only stood 4 foot tall, if Doc is a dwarf then just call him one and yet he could calm anyone down with just a touch.

“Thank you Doc.” Saphire gave a weak smile. “Damien is it?” She looked at the man that sat next to Doc, his icy blue eyes stared right back at her. “What can you tell me about that thing in the park?”

“I don’t know anything about Atrune him . However, ” Damien could see that she wanted to argue about his statement. “My grandfather might be able to tell us about it.”

“All right then tell me about you, how is it you show up in town at the same time this Atrune vile creature does?” She couldn‘t explain the sudden jolt of fire in her stomach as Damien smiled at her.

“Well that is a long story; I can tell you that I was sent here by my grandfather to find you. The thing is you seem to have a major role in this prophecy that was made a long time ago. I know that you are not aware of the fact that you are a witch, and I am sorry that I have to be the one to tell you this.” Damien gave her an apologetic look.

“There is nothing for you to be sorry about. I figured out that I was a witch a long time ago. Even before my Grandmother passed away, I just never told any one. How did Saphire figure out that she was a witch? Why did she tell Mandy? If she knew she was a witch, then what happened in the park shouldn't have come as any surprise. My next question, is how do I get trained ? . Atrune The goblin said he was going to destroy this town and I can not can't let that happen.” Saphire waved he waitress over and ordered a cheeseburger with fries. move the sentence that is a green right after she says that she never told anyone. It fits better there.

“Saphire please don’t worry about our town. We are well protected. No one has told you this because you were not ready, but now we have no choice. The town of Serenity is also known to others as the Magical City. this sounds like the emerald city in the Wizard of Oz This town is filled with all kinds of creatures. wouldn't she have noticed all of the different creatures? Does she have no exposure to the outside world, but not magical world? We have many witches, elves, dwarves, and fairies. We also have a few good vampires that come visiting every now and again.” Doc winked at Damien.

“Did I just see that? Doc are you saying that Damien is a vampire?” Saphire looked between the two men astonished. She’d had dreams about everything that happened so far, this however was new to her.

“That would explain a lot,” Mandy said from beside Saphire.

“Mandy what do you mean it explains a lot,” Saphire looked at her best friend. They had been close since she started coming out to visit her grandmother many years ago. They looked to be the same age, but Stacy Mandy always seemed to know more about the world.

“I mean I can’t see his aura. That rarely happens, yours has always been violet, Doc’s baby-blue, but Damien’s I could not couldn't see. The only time I can’t see and aura is when I come across a creature that is not what they are supposed to be. Vampires are supposed to be evil, but Damien is a good vampire, therefore I see nothing. this sounds too simplistic or simpleminded. You're also giving away the possibility of Damien being evil and that is not good for the plot. You need twists and turns, you need people to be or seen to be what they are not. ” Mandy smiled happily .

“Okay. What does that make you then?”

“I am a seer er you don't need the extra er ; I use my powers abilities to sort out the evil from the good. again this is very simplistic. The world and life is not plain black and white but shades of gray. There are good people that sometimes do bad things and the converse is also true. See if anyone has done black magic then their aura will be covered in a black film.” Mandy got up from the booth. “Now if you will excuse me. I must go and check on the Inn. I have a few visitors coming this afternoon. Saphire, I hope to see you later.” Mandy seemed a little nervous what I've highlighted in green here is wishy-washy. You need to state exactly how she appeared. In what ways did she give clues that she might be uncomfortable or nervous in talking about herself? Talking about herself.

“Bye Mandy. It was nice meeting you.” Damien waved as she walked away.

“If the town is safe then let’s get back to the training that I need. How do I get that?” Saphire yawned, she was getting becoming tired again. “In my dreams, which until today I believed were just dreams, I have done magic with an old woman. She was a sweet woman with unbelievable strength.”

“It sounds as if you are speaking of Damien’s grandmother. She is one of the best witches I have ever met, and can train you better than anyone else,” Doc replied.

“So, I must trust Damien to take me to her right,” Saphire glared at Damien. why is she the glaring at Damien when she didn't shoot any such looks at Doc for keeping the secret about her being a witch or ever giving such a look at the horrible goblin? “I will do as you say Doc, but only because you knew Grandma Emma so well. I know you would never do anything to put me in danger.” Saphire smiled at the man she had always thought of as her grandpa. Her mouth began to water as the cheese burger she ordered was placed in front of her.

“I’m sorry Saphire, but if you are coming with me we will need to leave first thing in the morning. if they're leaving first thing in the morning, why does she have to take her food with her rather than eat it there in the diner? I will take you home so you can pack a few things.” Damien slid out of the booth.

“What about my food? “ She stopped the waitress. “Can I get a box for this please? Good bye Doc. I don’t know when I will see you again, but please know I always thought of you as my granddad.” Saphire leaned over the table to hug Doc.

“Good bye Saphire. We will meet again, I will always cherish you.” Doc released her first, and walked away without another word.

After getting her food boxed Saphire followed Damien out of the diner, outside she saw the bright blood red Avalanche. ‘Such a classic color for a vampire to pick, Always black or red,’ she thought. how may vampires has she supposedly known?

“Listen, I live on Witch Lake. Do you know how to get there?” She stopped in front of the truck.

“I think so. Doc was giving me directions just before your friend came running in carrying you.” Damien unlocked the doors. “I will take you home for the night. I am staying at The Fairy Inn a vampire staying in a fairy inn? why not at least make it something a little more unique? Like the Red Moon inn and for kicks, stick him in room 13 *Smile* room 21. Call if you need anything, otherwise I will be there at six in the morning.”

Saphire sat quietly as Damien made his way to her house. She had a lot of things to think about for the next few hours, this stuff about goblins, seekers, and most of all vampires. ‘What is going to pop up on me next,’ she asked herself.

“My house is at the end of Wolf Lane.” She pointed to the road sign.

“Saphire, I just wanted to say that you have taken everything exceptionally well today.” Damien turned onto the dirt road. “I know you have a lot on your plate, and finding everything out at once has to be pretty confusing. Is there anything you would like to know?”

“Not right now. I'm still trying to figure out if I am dreaming or not.” Saphire watched out the window. Her house should be coming up any minute.

“What do you mean? Why would you think you were dreaming?” Damien looked at her curiously .

“I have these dreams, and they are very vivid. I’ve been having them since I was 5 years old. Sometimes there are goblins earlier in this chapter you had her asking Mandy what the creature was when she was already having dreams about goblins, this is a contradiction. , once there were these black mist creatures, and one time I was surrounded by werewolves everything else what everything else? . It’s always very real istic therefore today just seemed like another dream to me. Except for the fact Other than I still feel tired, that’s what makes me believe it is it's real. Does that make any sense ? ,” she asked him.

“Actually yes it does. You see my grandfather had a dream about you, which is why I have come came to find you. My grandfather is one of the elders for the Watchers, a group of people that are determined to keep evil at bay. you can dribble this information out about who the watchers are; it isn't important to tell her right now. ” Damien stopped in front of Saphire’s house. “How did you defeat that goblin in the park?”

“I don’t know. I got really upset when he said he would destroy the entire town. That’s when I closed my eyes . , and just let my subconscious take over because she doesn't know how she defeated him she shouldn't even mention letting her subconscious take over . I mean what have those happy people ever done to that evil little creature? The next thing I remember after that is waking up in the diner.” She looked out the window at her beautiful home.

The remodeling was complete, what had once looked like an old run down shack, now resembled a five star bed and breakfast. Three stories tall, with white siding and a soft blue trim. Big picture windows positioned two on every side of the house on the first floor. A porch surrounded the entire building, the back of the house looked out over the lake. A beautiful view of the sunset could be seen at dusk. A small portion of the property was dedicated to her love of plants tulips, roses, daffodils, and bleeding hearts all mingling together, the way she wished the world could get along. even plants don't all get along there is competition for the sun, space, water, and soil nutrients. The rest of the property was surrounded by forest.

“Well, whatever you did it was quick thinking reacting on your part. I am sorry that all of this has been thrown at you. why is he apologizing for something that he didn't do or had anything to do with. It makes it sound weak. Leave it at the complement. ” Damien watched as she got out of the truck. ‘This woman is even more beautiful than I thought. I am going to have to be careful around her, she is destined for far greater things than me,’ he thought.

“Thank you for the ride, I will see you in the morning. If you like you can come by early for coffee.” wouldn't make sense for her to asked him if he drinks coffee seems he is a vampire? She waved as she walked to the door.

Damien headed back to the Fairy Inn, the whole way thinking about this woman he was now responsible for. “Please, take good care of her while she is with you,” the old dwarf had said right before Mandy had come running in with Saphire. ‘How could I let any harm come to her, she does play a very important role in the war that is to come,’ he thought. However, he could not shake the feeling that there was another reason he wanted to keep her safe.

Word and Sentence Analysis
Document: saphire.docx
Directory: C:\Users\Lynn\Documents
Document Date: 11/30/2009 12:23:16 PM
Date of Analysis: 11/30/2009


WORD USAGE - TOP 25

Words Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
Saphire 34 14 9 2 59
that 32 6 7 5 50
this 12 10 4 6 32
Damien 9 16 6 1 32
what 12 7 5 7 31
Mandy 16 7 1 6 30
with 9 6 6 7 28
have 11 7 3 7 28
will 10 7 1 5 23
about 6 4 8 4 22
know 5 5 2 6 18
said 5 2 2 8 17
looked 6 2 3 6 17
Just 0 3 5 8 16
time 5 0 3 7 15
would 5 2 2 6 15
Atrune 3 3 4 3 13
could 3 2 1 7 13
good 5 1 1 6 13
there 2 4 1 6 13
Come 5 0 2 5 12
been 5 0 2 5 12
here 2 1 2 6 11
eyes 2 2 1 6 11
tell 6 1 1 3 11


PHRASE USAGES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
looked at her 0 0 0 5 5
she looked at 0 1 0 3 4
out of the 0 1 0 3 4
in the park 0 0 0 4 4
be able to 0 0 0 4 4
in front of 0 0 1 3 4
at the man 0 0 1 2 3
to be the 0 0 0 3 3
come with me 0 1 1 1 3
will not let 0 1 0 2 3
in the morning 0 0 1 2 3
she knew she 0 0 1 2 3
a long time 1 0 0 2 3
the Wagon Wheel 0 0 0 3 3
not let you 0 1 0 2 3
looked at the 0 2 0 1 3
I have a 0 0 0 3 3
what is going 1 0 0 2 3
I will not 0 1 0 2 3
I don't know 0 0 0 3 3


PHRASE USAGES - 4-WORD PHRASES - ALL

4-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
will not let you 0 1 0 2 3
I will not let 0 1 0 2 3
in front of the 0 0 0 2 2
As she looked at 0 0 0 2 2
at the same time 0 0 0 2 2
looked at her with 0 0 0 2 2
a lot of things 0 0 0 2 2
How do I get 0 0 0 2 2
looked at the man 0 0 1 1 2
is one of the 0 0 0 2 2
I will see you 0 0 0 2 2
I am sorry that 0 0 0 2 2
I will take you 0 0 1 1 2
a long time ago 1 0 0 1 2
not let you hurt 0 0 0 2 2
waved as she walked 0 0 0 2 2
of the property was 1 0 0 1 2
what is going on 1 0 0 1 2
is on the good 1 0 0 1 2
on the good side 1 0 0 1 2
are supposed to be 1 0 0 1 2
She looked at the 0 1 0 1 2
stopped in front of 0 0 0 2 2
What do you mean 0 0 0 2 2
the Wagon Wheel Diner 0 0 0 2 2
whatever you did it 0 0 0 2 2
They had been close 0 0 0 2 2
to come with me 0 0 1 1 2
will take you home 0 0 1 1 2


PHRASE USAGES - 5-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

5-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I will not let you 0 1 0 2 3
is on the good side 1 0 0 1 2
I will take you home 0 0 1 1 2
will not let you hurt 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 1-WORD - TOP 20

1-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I 21 8 9 4 42
Saphire 19 8 6 2 35
She 8 6 6 5 25
The 4 1 5 6 16
Mandy 7 1 3 5 16
Doc 5 4 2 4 15
Damien 0 5 7 3 15
He 4 5 2 3 14
You 2 3 1 5 11
What 1 1 1 7 10
A 2 0 1 5 8
I'm 0 1 0 5 6
It 0 1 1 4 6
We 2 0 1 3 6
Please 0 1 0 4 5
Atrune 0 0 1 4 5
This 0 0 0 5 5
My 0 0 2 3 5
As 0 1 0 3 4
They 1 0 0 3 4


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 2-WORD PHRASES - ALL

2-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I am 2 0 0 5 7
I will 0 2 2 3 7
I have 0 1 2 3 6
Saphire was 0 1 1 1 3
She looked 0 1 0 2 3
I mean 0 0 0 3 3
I know 0 0 0 3 3
I don't 0 0 0 3 3
Damien has 0 0 0 2 2
As she 0 0 0 2 2
I think 0 0 0 2 2
Mandy turned 0 0 1 1 2
I'm sorry 0 0 0 2 2
It sounds 0 0 0 2 2
It was 0 0 0 2 2
I'm not 0 0 0 2 2
You see 0 0 0 2 2
Ruby eyes 0 0 0 2 2
My grandfather 0 0 0 2 2
She couldn't 0 0 0 2 2
She stopped 0 0 1 1 2
All right 0 0 0 2 2
Good bye 1 0 0 1 2
She noticed 0 0 0 2 2
She was 0 0 0 2 2
Thank you 0 0 0 2 2
There is 0 0 0 2 2
What is 0 0 0 2 2
They had 0 0 0 2 2
Who are 0 0 0 2 2
Saphire looked 0 0 0 2 2
You are 0 0 0 2 2
Mandy what 0 0 0 2 2
You will 0 0 1 1 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I don't know 0 0 0 3 3
I will not 0 1 0 2 3
I have no 0 0 0 2 2
She looked at 0 1 0 1 2
I have a 0 0 0 2 2
I will take 0 0 1 1 2
I know you 0 0 0 2 2
They had been 0 0 0 2 2
Who are you 0 0 0 2 2

SENTENCE STATISTICS

Number of sentences: 318
Average Sentence Length: 10.6 words
Longest Sentence: 31 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 6 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 78 %





Georgianna Lyn d'Bolt du Juracetys
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Title: The Yellow Chevelle
Author: Kristi
Plot: a young woman has a horrifying dream about a yellow Chevelle, a dress that she really desires, her evil next-door neighbor and her dead grandmother and mother

Style & Voice: the story is told in first person and has potential to be really chilling tale once some additional dialogue and description sentences and paragraphs are added.
Referencing: The town, city, state or even country are unknown but assumed to be North American by the reference of the use of the two cars. The story would have to be taking place some time from 1990 it on.
Scene/Setting: setting is a driveway, a neighbor's house, his backyard, and an alleyway.
Characters: The main character, Kris is a young woman with what would be considered a desirable body. The next-door neighbor and his son, who are both portrayed as evil, need some detailed work so that the characters come alive for the reader. The grandmother character could also use more definition as to her voice and her look.
Grammar: The major error is the overuse of the adverbs. Try using a much stronger for to convey your point.
Just My Personal Opinion: You need to use dialogue more to give your characters their own unique voices, and flesh out the story remembering that we have five senses and at least three need to be addressed in each scene. I think with some work this story could be a good creepy tale, I would say in the vein of Stephen King crossed with Quentin Tarantino. I would also consider re-titling the story. I see it revolving much more around the desire for the dress then for hitting the Chevelle.
Sentences underlined are within 5-10% in length of one another, consider a revision to improve readability.
Words in blue are the dreaded ly ending words/adverb. Consider using a stronger verb to eliminate the adverbs where ever possible
Flesch reading ease: 68
Flesch-Kincaid grade level: 8.8

Dawn had barely made its self visible when the drizzle set in, ruining my plans of being the first to arrive at the yard sale four blocks over. On my way home from the graveyard yesterday evening, I noticed the homeowners setting up the tables that were holding knick-knacks and old, used kitchen appliances. Next to the wooden privacy fence on the other side of the well kept yard was a king sized orange blanket spread out on the lawn with neatly arranged symmetrical rows of blue jeans and T-shirts. Behind the blanket, a clothesline was hung between two giant, shady elm trees and hanging from it was a shimmery, silver dress that was begging to be snugly fitted onto my vibrant it would be odd for this girl/woman to refer to her own body as vibrant. body.

I would have stopped immediately to purchase the dress , but I had not seen the need in taking my purse with me to the cemetery whose grave where she visiting at the cemetery? – the smug groundskeeper had yet to supply a vending machine or set up a souvenir shop so money was not a necessary item.

Although I assumed the yard sale would be rained out and postponed, I decided to venture the four blocks just to check. That voluptuous a dress wouldn't be considered voluptuous without a body inside it. I would suggest picking a word like exquisite or dramatic. dress and my body were more than anxious to make each other's acquaintance. I would also switch the order and say that your body were was anxious to make the acquaintance of the dress.

Backing out of my driveway is an action I have performed well into the thousands of times – all without incident. This drizzly morning proved to have something else in store for me other than the ordinary. I had not realized the sole of my tennis shoe was wearing thin, leaving one with less traction and gripping action than I was accustomed to.

As I steered the rear end of my red '67 Camaro out of the drive and onto the street, my right foot slipped off the brake pedal and before I could regain control, I crashed backward we already know that you are going backwards so this is redundant into the front of my neighbor's bright yellow '69 Chevelle, busting out the driver's side head light.

Instantly , I maneuvered the gearshift into park and turned off the ignition, all the while knowing by the time I spoke with the Chevelle's owner, my dream dress would be history, as the drizzle had given way to the rapidly rising bright sun.

The car owner's son, whom I had never met or even seen for that matter it really isn't important to the story whether we know that the girl knows the owners son or not, we do need to know if she has ever met or seen her neighbor though. , invited me in just before yelling through the medium sized home for his father.

"Hey Dad, some lady is here and wants to talk to you about your car."

Just as quickly as the young teen had answered the door, he disappeared around the corner into the kitchen where I could hear him slurping down the milk from his bowl of cereal if you can't see him how do you know that he has slurping down milk from the cereal bowl? He could just as easily be gulping it out of a glass or it might be orange juice with lots of pulp and it. It just doesn't make sense to comment on something that this person cannot actually see. She can comment on sounds that she assumes but should not make them as statement as facts. . I glanced down at my watch and had to blink a few times to read space just from the difference in lighting. At first, it seemed the second hand was moving in five second intervals, but once I had an opportunity to set my vision straight, it appeared to be advancing normally .

My mind was busy shifting from the dress to the yellow Chevelle when my neighbor rounded the corner from the hall to the entryway. Startled, as my thoughts were elsewhere, I released a small gasp and nearly fell over my own feet while I stumbled backward. Had he been properly clothed, I may have remained stable on my feet, but the sight of my neighbor with nothing more than a tan towel wrapped lightly around his waist was more, or less, than I had bargained for. describe what this man looks like not the fact that he's just clad in a towel.

Gathering my composure, I apologized for being startled him she shouldn't be apologizing for being startled by his appearance, he should be the one apologizing to her for being so inappropriately clothed. began explaining why I was intruding on breakfast. include actual dialogue here rather than describing. It is always better to show them to tell. During my detailed description of how I wreaked havoc on the front driver's side of his customized classic automobile, he peered through the blinds covering the window in his living room just feet from where I stood in the doorway.

Before I had a chance to explain that the blame for the crash belonged to the worn out sole of my tennis shoe, he commandeered again use dialogue to tell the story me into his bathroom. somewheres in here you need to have some sort of justification of why she would even consider going into his bathroom. Is she a hooker? Is she uses kind of treatment? Most normal women would tell him to fuck off, or would've just walked out the door and yelled that she would send him her insurance information. With a devilish grin I had only seen on the faces of Stephen King's evil characters, he reached behind his back and locked the door, never taking his bulging eyes right here is the first description of what this man looks like other than the fact he is clad only in a tan towel. It would be a good idea earlier on to give us a little idea of what she sees besides the towel. Is he is tall and thin, or is a short fat and hairy? off of me.

Not really knowing what to do – whether I should freak out I think this is where some of your readers are finding a problem with the story in that she doesn't start freaking out and screaming. Maybe have her actually do some screaming only to find that the bathroom is soundproofed. and start screaming or remain calm and keep explaining how I accidentally backed into his car – I nervously looked away from him and began stuttering. Like a jester on crack, he started darting sideways from the locked door to the shower, back and forth, back and forth, never allowing his eyes to drift onto something other than me.

"Get in the shower," he snapped, still darting back and forth, scrutinizing me with his sharp, penetrating gaze. you earlier described his eyes his bulging, but now you have his gaze is sharp and penetrating which is a contradiction

I did not move. Instead, I offered him my insurance information.

"GET IN THE FUCKING SHOWER!"

Frightened out of my mind, I decided I had better do as he demanded, so I reluctantly took one step toward the bathtub. The water mysteriously turned on and started spraying out from the shower head behind the green vinyl curtain is there something the some significance to it being a green vinyl curtain rather than shower doors? . Steam from the hot water began to rise and encompass the crowded room.

Before taking another step, I glanced in his direction and naively pleaded you need to use dialogue to show us this story rather than tiling us this story. You can use inner dialogue for her thoughts put them into italics though. To him with my eyes to open the door and allow me to leave. I could tell by the demonic and mischievous smirk beaming back at me that I was not getting what I wanted. how could she tell the she wasn't going to get what she wanted? What was so demonic and mischievous about his smirk or looks they give her these clues.

Time was running out for me to devise a plan of escape. how did she know that time was running out? I could not decide if I should get in the shower, pretending to obey, or if I should act like I was going to get in and then make a run for the locked door. how big is this bathroom that she has the kind of maneuvering room to be able to get by him?

Just before I could take a step toward the green vinyl curtain, he reached out and grabbed me by my hair, pulling me into his horrid, semi-naked body. what does his body smell like? What does it feel like? What does it look like? You need to remember to engage at least three of our senses. Slight, sound and smells are the three critical ones but whenever possible also give tastes and textures. For example is his body all rough and covered with a coarse hair or is it slicking greasy?

"If I have to tell you one more time to get in the mother fucking shower, you will regret it, Sweet Cheeks," he muttered in my ear through his partial set of decaying teeth. here you started to use dialogue to show us the story, but it is jarring because you haven't been using it earlier.

Letting loose of my hair, he shoved me in the direction of the bathtub and caused me to stumble. I reached out for the nearest thing to grab hold of. The green shower curtain came crashing down while still intact with the thick aluminum rod. all of the aluminum rods that I have ever seen and had four shower curtain haven't been all that weighty, and make extremely poor weapons against an attacker. You'd be better pulling off one of the end caps and using it as a spear, possibly jamming in one of his eyes. If you don't want to do that, and still want to batter him about the head the top of the toilet tank is a really good weapon. Have her stumble against the toilet and have the tank lid flip. As if I had graduated at the top of my charm school class, I released my hold on the curtain and grasped one end of the rod. With all my might and all my adrenaline, I swung the curtain rod like a major league baseball player. Instead of cracking the bat with a ball, I cracked his head with the rod and down he went. unless this man has a skull the thickness of an egg shell there is no way an aluminum shower rod would cause him to drop to his knees. I became a crazed maniac with my defense mechanism in overdrive and continued bashing him over the head a few more times before lunging leaping over his convulsing he wouldn't be convulsing unless his skull is been cracked or his brains sloshed around inside it. That won't happen with your shower curtain rod. body, which was now void of the towel that was once wrapped around his disgusting waist. what is disgusting about his waist? Is he fat? Extremely fat? A little tiny penis? Big hairy balls? Paint us a picture with your words so that we can see what you are seeing in your head.

My shaking hand firmly grabbed the doorknob and attempted to turn it, but it did not budge. As the ugly, contorted body on the bathroom floor began to wriggle, I became even more desperate and eager for a way out. Just as I switched the lock position and turned the knob, the door flung most bathroom doors open inwards, so who did the flinging? open and I raced past over the threshold.

I had not made it very far here I would put that he grabbed her ankle just as she leapt past him. when the monster from the bathroom wrapped his long, skinny fingers around my left ankle. Determined to escape from my neighbor's this house, I began dragging his bloody body through the hall. isn't she dragging his body as if it were a ball and chain attached to her ankle? That would be of a possible way to describe it for your readers. Finally , I was able to shake how was she able to shaking loose? Also what sounds are going on at this time? Is she crying or screaming? Is he gurgling through the blood? him loose and I darted out the first exit I came across. the open back patio doors. Be specific when trying to draw a mental picture for the reader. The first exit in some readers minds might be an open window, whereas other readers might see the open front door or a side door. Because you need to have her in the backyard, you should specify that it is going to be a back door that she exits through.

Finding myself in an unfamiliar backyard, I quickly scanned the area for all any possible way s of escape. To my right and about midway out stood a swing set that was half corroded with rust. To the right of it and up against the fence was a dilapidated wooden fort that looked like it had been deserted even before it was built. in this case you don't need to be as specific as to where the rusty swing set and dilapidated fort are. You just need to say that to one side or one corner of the backyard you see this and that. Let our imaginations fill in the exact positions.

Off to the left were remnants of old, non-running junk cars which were barely visible through the tall grass growing amid and around them. In the far left corner of the dump of a backyard were piled up bags of garbage providing a makeshift ladder to climb to the top of the extra high chain link fence.

The garbage bags were all but sturdy since they had been tossed out without being closed, but I managed some fancy footwork, bypassed the heavy stench of rotting food because this is basically a horror story you have an opportunity here with these garbage bags to become much more than just trash of the normal household. This is also awkwardly worded. and dove over the top – finally free. rather than having her feeling finally free, have her feel a click or snap on her ankle just as she goes over the top. This will help set up the idea of her being shackled and still keep the reader engaged in this story as if it is really happening and not a dream sequence.

Upon making contact with the pavement in the alleyway, I conjured up what little bit of energy and adrenaline I had left and took off running she didn't actually take off running, she tried to take off running – only to discover both of my legs had been shackled this is a bit confusing, are her legs shackled together or are one or both actually chained to the fence? And how did this come to be? to the fence on the opposite side of the garbage pile.

My 75 always spell out numbers under 100 year old grandmother, who had been long gone rather than using long gone, you might want to say that she hadn't seen for thirteen long years which will keep the reader wondering if this is really happening or not for 13 spell out years appeared in the alley from out of nowhere and came limping over to me. why are we hearing her thoughts of confusion at seeing her long dead grandmother? For as long as I could remember, Granny walked with a limp as the result of her son heaving her into her son threw her onto the floor of the garage? the garage where she landed on her knee – damaging it permanently . The drizzle had returned and the surrounding sky had turned a flat gray. The ground was wet enough to cause concern about Granny slipping on any present oil spots so I begged her to be careful. in this area you are missing several paragraphs of inner dialogue and actual spoken dialogue between the girl and her grandmother that would help draw the reader into the story more and make a better visualization.

I looked back to where I had just hopped the fence expecting to see my despicable neighbor chasing after me, but other than the decomposing garbage and junk, the backyard was empty.

Turning back towards Granny, I told her, without making a sound, to call the police. By the terrified look on her face and the direction in which her eyes were staring over my shoulder, I knew trouble would arrive before the police could. I whirled my head around just as he approached the fence, blood running from his cracked head and dripping from his busted lips, devilish you might want to try using malevolent or evil rather than devilish grin still taunting me.
“Give my grandmother the key, you creepy bastard!" is a grandmother also chained to the fence? Why is she asking him to give the grandmother of the key and not her seeing that she is the one who so far as the one shackled?

"Oh, you want to be released? What, you don't like it here with me and m'boy? Here. Here's your fucking key, bitch!"

With both of his gnarly earlier you had his fingers as thin hands, he slung at least 50 keys – each one identical to the other – over the fence where they flew, bounced, and landed in every direction.

I felt completely helpless watching my overweight, deceased grandmother scramble for the keys that were strewn at least five feet to the left and right and every other which way.

"Try one of 'em, Granny. Maybe you already have the right one."

"Kris, hold still. we finally know what our main character's name is. You could actually work this in much earlier in the story when she goes to the door, tells the son her name and asks for the father I'm having a hard enough time fumbling through all the keys with these old, feeble hands of mine."

With a sinister sneer use all of his body to make him sinister and hideous that way you won't have to be relying on just facial expression and voice tone , my hideous predator bellowed, "How foolish you are to rely on this clumsy old! Her abilities are as defunct as her wrinkled hands."

Not too far off in the distance, a clap of thunder erupted, providing a warning that heavy rain was approaching. Granny's hands faltered simultaneously with the disruptive boom causing the keys to tumble to their original their original location was with his hand, in this case I would say that they fell clattering to the ground. Location in the alley.

"Just as I said, the old bitch is worthless!"

Tears began to stream down my grandmother's already wet cheeks while volatile anger started to rise from the pit of my stomach. Kris should be yelling or shouting back at him. Also put her inner thoughts in italics How dare this wretched freak belittle her!

The moment I bent down to assist her in picking up the dropped keys, the raving lunatic we need to see and hear the raving lunatic not be told that he is a raving lunatic scaled the chain-linked fence and crashed on top of me, forcing my fragile vulnerability exhausted to the ground. referring to one's own body in first person in really derogatory tones or the opposite highly complementary can alienate your reader because they cannot identify with those terms. There've been times in my life that I have been in a fragile and vulnerable state, but would NEVER think of myself in those terms, and resented the hell out of anyone who even suggested my being in that state. With this sort of situation you have to ride the middle of the road so that the majority of your readers will identify with the character. The loud thud of my body preceded a streak of lightning that was followed by another round of murderous thunder.

The violent collision slammed my head to the pavement where it I laid dizzy under his bony knee. Hard pellets of heavy rain fell on my distressed, exhausted body – diluting the little bit of resilience I had left.

Very near surrender, I closed my eyes in un-triumphant shame.


New paragraph Repetitive flashes of electricity streaked across the dismal sky just as I heard my grandmother wail. move this up with this sentence tag. "Kris! Don't give up! Don't let this bastard win! Get up!"

The encouraging tone of her voice ignited the last flame I had left. With frantic abandon, I flailed my arms like Helen Keller would have in a turbulent sea. I used my one free leg to kick in every possible direction. An obnoxious pain discharged shot throughout my leg as my knee slammed chaotically into his still bleeding if you want this antagonists to seem the ultimate of evil drop the bleeding, make him seem like little seems to effect him. Just have him keep coming and coming on no matter what. head. Ignoring the agonizing discomfort blazing pain , I continued to bash my assailant's have another name for him that epitomizes the evilness she feels coming from him. head until his vulgar, distorted body cringed in defeat. Rather than having him cringe in defeat have his head explode with blood and gore splattering all over.

As if she were playing out a heroic scene in an action-packed horror flick, Granny miraculously fitted the correct key in the leg shackle and freed me from my repulsive neighbor's evil clutch . We know what she is being freed from. A radiant sun parted the storm clouds, the thunder dissipated, the rain disappeared, and the ground below our feet instantaneously dried. Above our heads, wrens chirped in glorious unison, signifying our victory. Children in adjacent yards played tag, running and laughing and enjoying life.

All was beautiful until the sound of a furious shotgun pierced pummeled our ears, canceling out the children's laughter and the birds' praising song of conquest. the word describing the sound of shotgun blast needs to reflect the actual sound or the damage that a shotgun blast actually does Whirling how does one whirl one's own head? I think you would mean you would spin your body and head to face the sound, otherwise whirling one's head may cause it to spin right off *Smile*! my head back to the yard I had just escaped, I fell victim to a mortifying state of shock. standing next to my neighbor's crippled mangled body was his teenage son holding a .12 gauge sawed off shotgun and wearing my dream dress!

Infuriated by the sight of dark, hairy legs being barely covered sticking out with a dress belonging on my body, I lost my breath and had to reach out for support from my granny before collapsing.

"Hey, Baby. Like the way this slinky dress shimmers on my body? C'mere and I'll let you try it on. You know you want to."

Disgusted, need dialogue here I spun around, hoping to rest my unbelieving eyes on anything other than the pathetic sight of a good dress gone bad. Upon doing so, I noticed my grandmother had disappeared from the alley. internal dialogue should be here about where did her grandmother go I bolted from the ghastly freak clothed in my dream dress and made my way around to the front of the house.

Parked across the street from its original location sat the yellow Chevelle, drops of rain water splattering on the ground from the bent metal headlight frame. An unfamiliar force wrapped comfortable around my anxiety-filled body and coerced me toward the damaged muscle car. Each step I took caused my breathing to become more shallow. Within a mere few feet, a rustling from a nearby field of winter rye grass caught my attention and altered my shallow breathing to one large gasp.

There he was – my neighbor in all his nasty nakedness, smirk beaming from his grotesque face. I could not believe my eyes! With his left hand, he reached down into the knee-deep grass and, by her hair, pulled my mother's head up from the ground. A look of severe pain covered her pale face and a muffled scream escaped from her swollen and bleeding lips. Before my brain could deliver a message to my legs to bolt madly to her defense, the reality of the scene became more obnoxious. Not only was he assaulting her from behind, he was raping her – anally. considering they are in the field of winter ryegrass, how does Kris know that her mother is being raped anally? Unless she's standing pretty close or the rye is really short she wouldn't be able to tell.

A crowd a crowd of what? Townspeople, onlookers, cheerleaders, clowns, crows, vultures or a group of aliens? began to gather behind me as well as on both my left and right sides. With one final absurd lunge, he drove hard and deep inside my mother, yanked her head back as far as it would go and cried out in pleasured pain. Blue mascara from my mom's long lashes ran down her cheeks, mixing with the rain and her salty, distressed tears.

As he tossed her used body into the blood-stained grass, the alarm on my clock buzzed, notifying me it was six a.m. and time to rise and shine.


Word and Sentence Analysis
Document: yellow chevelle.doc
Directory: F:\personal\my writing\writing\reviews to do
Document Date: 11/22/2009 6:46:16 AM
Date of Analysis: 11/22/2009


WORD USAGE - TOP 25

Words Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
from 16 4 3 6 29
with 7 7 10 2 26
body 4 2 5 3 14
head 3 1 2 6 12
Just 1 1 2 8 12
that 1 3 3 5 12
into 1 3 1 6 11
dress 5 1 2 2 10
before 0 2 2 6 10
were 3 0 2 5 10
around 2 1 2 4 9
left 1 4 0 4 9
back 3 1 1 4 9
could 3 0 2 4 9
over 1 2 1 4 8
neighbor 1 1 1 5 8
fence 0 5 1 2 8
more 1 1 2 4 8
than 3 0 1 4 8
other 2 0 2 4 8
down 2 1 1 4 8
have 1 1 0 5 7
began 0 1 2 4 7
eyes 0 1 2 4 7
where 1 0 2 4 7


PHRASE USAGES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
GET IN THE 1 1 1 1 4
the yellow Chevelle 0 0 0 3 3
back and forth 2 0 0 1 3
I had not 0 0 1 2 3
my dream dress 0 1 0 2 3
other than the 0 0 0 3 3
Just as I 0 0 1 2 3
I had left 0 1 0 2 3
fence on the 0 0 0 2 2
I could not 0 0 0 2 2
I had just 0 0 0 2 2
green vinyl curtain 0 0 1 1 2
of my tennis 0 0 0 2 2
to the left 0 0 0 2 2
left and right 0 0 0 2 2
before I could 0 0 0 2 2
little bit of 0 0 0 2 2
in the shower 0 0 1 1 2
me into his 0 0 0 2 2
my tennis shoe 0 0 0 2 2


PHRASE USAGES - 4-WORD PHRASES - ALL

4-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
get in the shower 0 0 1 1 2
of my tennis shoe 0 0 0 2 2
sole of my tennis 0 0 0 2 2
the green vinyl curtain 0 0 1 1 2


PHRASE USAGES - 5-WORD PHRASES - TOP 5

5-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
sole of my tennis shoe 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 1-WORD - TOP 10

1-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I 1 6 3 5 15
The 3 1 2 4 10
With 0 2 0 5 7
As 0 0 1 4 5
Just 0 0 0 4 4
Before 0 0 0 3 3
Not 0 0 0 3 3
My 0 0 0 3 3
GET 1 0 0 2 3
A 0 1 0 2 3


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 2-WORD PHRASES - ALL

2-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I could 1 0 0 2 3
Just as 0 0 0 3 3
As if 0 0 0 2 2
I had 0 0 0 2 2
GET IN 1 0 0 1 2
With a 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 5

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
GET IN THE 1 0 0 1 2
I could not 0 0 0 2 2
I had not 0 0 0 2 2
Just as I 0 0 0 2 2

SENTENCE STATISTICS

Number of sentences: 98
Average Sentence Length: 18.3 words
Longest Sentence: 47 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 9.1 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 94 %
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In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gentle- a typo in the 5th line you have graping-- it should be grasping. You did a great job of the lines mirroring as well as the stanzas. An interesting thing-- one of my books I am working on is set in a town witha palindromic name "School of Monsters", I wonder if you can figure out why...*Bigsmile*
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Review of Gran's Wisdom  
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I don't normally do reviews of poetry but when I read this I had quite a giggle from your ending. I could definitely understand the poor grandmothers disappointment. It is just too bad she hadn't had the foresight to check the package out ahead of time! Maybe if he she had lived in an err later age, she would have thought to do so. Possibly the granddaughter will *Bigsmile*.
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Review of Chapter 1: Jess  
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Title: Chapter 1 Jess
Author: M.C. Coulter
Plot: Jess has repeated dreams of a girl being assaulted by a man
Characters: Jess and 2 dream characters
Scene/Setting: Bedroom in a home- location unknown
Referencing: Needs to be further developed so reader has some idea as to the country and decade this is happening
Grammar: There are problems with use of quotes and when to start new paragraphs. Always start a new paragraph when the speakers voice changes, and when the subject of thought changes. See my notes below for specific examples
My opinion: The story has an interesting beginning and premise. Work on revisions and know that writing in first person IS the hardest form to write in and present tense even harder. You went from present tense for the first part and then threw in some past tense after Jess woke up. Second dream has some past tense in it—You need to decide which you want to be in and stick to it

Flesch reading ease: 88.4
Flesch Kincaid Grade level: 3.3

NP= New Paragraph
dreaded–ly ending adverbs, revise using a stronger verb
Sentences underlined are within 5% in length or meter of one another.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Darkness is everywhere. I blink, and then open my eyes, and the outside what I see seems so much darker than my closed eyes lids. Little light exists; the awakened upstairs bedroom of a distant ranch house and the full sky of stars is the only light guiding me. The wetness of the ground is dampening dampens the thin, worn fabric of my shoes and the bottoms of my jeans. The A cold breeze sends chills down my spine as I’m walking trod through to dew-damp thick grass.

NPEverything is still, and quiet. Yet, something almost feels wrong. This feeling begins to deeply worry me This sentences is a telling not showing sentence. Try something like: a feeling of dread began to snake its way through my spine. . A whistle of wind signals signaled to me to ‘keep moving, forward quit getting so distracted.’ Unsure of where exactly I’m headed supposed to go , I just let my mind do the traveling free to direct my body. Movement is effortless and, time seems to fly, and in what felt like mere moments, I was not too far from am now close what was once the distance ranch house. For a while, All that could be heard was I hear is the wind flowing over the lake water and thousands the of singing crickets.

NP Suddenly, A faint shatter of glass interrupts the peace. Do I approach the house? Or just run the other way?

NP I remain still, now knowing that someone, or something, is in that giant looming house, something very much sinister and unwelcome. I wait , and wait, and wait. Wait Waiting for what, though? Anything, I suppose. The front door swings open, and the dimmed light from the inside reveals a small, short figure in the doorway. More glass shatters, and the figure breaks into full sprint. Within seconds, though, a second person comes rushes out after the first. The first one screams, which tells telling me she is a girl. She is caught up with by the second, much largeer obviously male figure within short seconds. Judging by the size, I assume figure two is an older man.

NP He pushes the young girl to the ground, and I hear sobs, and pleads, from the girl. “Please, please don’t hurt me. I’ll do anything!” the girl screamed.

NP“Quiet, girl. It’s too late. Now just take your punishment like a good child...” he yelled as he hit her square in the face.

NP I gasped, and moved closer to the scene. When the man knew for Sure she wasn’t going to move, he moved closer, almost standing directly over her. I saw him He reached for his belt and heard the movement of medal the clank of the buckle as he pulled it from his waist.

NP The worst is assumed Assuming the worst, and I walk quicker sprint towards the people them.

NP He drops his jeans, and moves closer to the ground drops to his knees. He pulls her hair, forcing her to rise high enough so she could reach him.

NP This was enough. I began to run toward the man, intending to put him this to a stop. In less than a second, He had put shoved his hand in his jacket pocket, pulled pulling out a small hand gun, I’m guessing a pistol a revolver I think , and pointed points it straight at my face.

NP I stop dead in my tracks. He then had a somewhat An evil grin on marred his face as he stared me right in the eyes. (Looking at the girl while a gun is aimed at your face is really unlikely ) I looked down at the girl; she looked like she was 15, maybe 16, but I couldn’t see any of her detailed features. She couldn’t be identified. I looked back at the man slowly, My whole body shaking with shear anger and fear, and then, the trigger was pulled.

NP I was stunned. I was in agony; my left side was in so much pain, that it eventually went completely numb, vision went burry blurred , and with one last look at the girl, I fell to the ground, and met the darkness. Fading voices, my body freezing, and then nothing could be seen or heard. I had become became nothing. I was gone.

My eyes flashed open, my body covered in sweat and tears were drenching drenched my face. I was cold, yet burning up at the same time, and felt almost as though I was going to be physically sick. It took a few minutes to catch my breath and calm down a bit my racing heart. When I did, I leaned over to the other side of my bed, grabbed my black and white composition notebook and a pen off the nightstand and began to write. 2:34AM. 12/19/09. Woke up sweaty, cold, hot, nearly sick. Trouble breathing. Dream took place at night at a ranch. 2 people: one young girl, one older man. Man was angry, girl was frightened. Walked toward sight, man was hurting attempting sexual assault on girl, (no specification) , man shot me. Darkness. End. I closed the book and put it back on the table.

NP For a while, I just laid there. My thoughts were racing. I wondered how many times I had actually had that dream now . Tomorrow, I’m supposed to go to my counselor, and he’s supposed to read my dream journal again. What is he going to say when he reads the same dream recorded over and over? And what What could it mean? Is the dream going to happen, and do I know the people?

“ I think too much. My name is Jess Freeman, and I have a problem, or so says everyone says, including my counselor. Dr. Holloway makes me keep a journal. Then Every week, no comma I take it to him, he reads it, and we discuss talk. For the past 3 three or 4 four months, though, our discussions have been the same. I’ve been had having the same dream every night for that long. This interests Dr. Holloway. He , and he says things like “you’re an interesting kid, Jess... ” “ I’ve never seen anything like this… ” “ Who are the characters?”

NP He asks a lot of questions. Sometimes he asks about my friends, or my one best friend, Riley Spencer, or my siblings and family, but usually about my journal. I have two different journals; a personal one, which is what I’m writing to you in now, and my dream journal for my counselor. I love to write. Anyway, I’m 17 seventeen (spell out words under one hundred), and own my dream car. It’s a silver jeep. I also have a ranch, well, my family owns a ranch. I go there every weekend. where does Jess live during the week and who takes care of the animals during the week? What state or country is Jess in?) My dad pays me to take care of the animals and care for the house and land and everything. Not much, but enough to where I don’t need a real job. I’m falling back asleep.” I put my journal back on the night stand and fell asleep without another thought.

It was cold, a really bitter dry cold, and . No humidity, no nothing. And it was dark. I was walking down the a street and for some unknown reason, I turned and entered a house. I wasn’t sure why, or who lived there, all I knew was that I was going into the house. All the lights were out, and no one seemed to be home. So Why was I here? It seemed like no one was ever home The house appeared to be uninhabited, empty, never used. . The house looked as though it wasn’t used often. The doorknob began to move, so I ran sending me in a mad dash up the stairs. The upstairs had stairway opened to a hallway that led to two bedrooms at the each end next to two separate bathrooms. One set to the left, and one to the right.

NP Someone entered the house, and there was movement in the left room. I walked over and entered. The room was dark, but neat. Nothing was out of place, the desk was organized, the bed was made, and it was perfect. The closet door was partially openajar . I could hear heavy breathing. I jumped as the door flew open so fast and unexpected it made me jump.

NP “Where are you?!” The man yelled.

NP The voice was familiar. The smell of alcohol hit me like a thousand knives. This man was drunk, and dangerous. He went straight for the closet and nearly tore the doors off. The girl what does the girl look like? Small and frail, tall and willowy or short and plump? Dark haired or light? Heart shaped face, or oval? seemed to know what was coming, because she closed her eyes and braced herself. The tall (big burly, hairy, purple, club-footed, clean shaven, balding? Describe the man so we see him here clearly.) man grabbed her hair and forced her to stand. This also looked felt familiar. Once she had stood, he threw her the ground, and then the word ‘then’ in a narrative isn’t needed as the reader assumes that what is written next happened ‘then’. Only use it in dialogue. kicked her when she was down where she fell . He continued to kicking her. Her eyes were swelling, nose bleeding, and she had a new a fresh cut blossomed crimson on her forehead. She was in tears, and couldn’t breathe right.

NP He was laughing, but yelling at her at the same time, “This is all your fault… We’d be happy if it weren’t for you...” Things like that that just made the entire situation worse.

NP Before it was over, the scene faded to black. I heard a faint vibration…

My eyes shot open again. I was confused. Two dreams, two of the same people, same actions, and different locations? This never happened, and I had never seen this before. I still pulled out my book and pen again and began to write. use italics for what she writes not quotes Woke up again. 4:52 AM. 10/19/09. Sick, sweaty, pounding headache. First of this dream. Same people, but at a different house. Man was drunk, can ran to girl’s room, and began to hurt her. Fade to black. There goes the vibration again. I looked around, and saw my phone was violently buzzing. Throwing the book down, I took the phone and slid it open

Word and Sentence Analysis
Document: ch 1 jess.doc
Directory: C:\Users\Lynn\Documents
Document Date: 10/19/2009 6:34:17 PM
Date of Analysis: 10/19/2009


WORD USAGE - TOP 25

Words Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
girl 6 1 3 2 12
This 4 2 0 4 10
that 4 1 3 2 10
house 5 2 0 3 10
Dream 4 3 0 2 9
like 1 0 5 2 8
same 4 1 1 2 8
over 1 0 3 3 7
what 2 1 1 3 7
open 1 1 2 3 7
looked 2 0 2 2 6
down 0 0 2 4 6
then 2 0 0 4 6
people 1 1 0 3 5
though 1 0 1 3 5
cold 1 1 0 3 5
going 1 0 1 3 5
could 0 0 2 3 5
began 1 0 0 4 5
just 0 1 1 3 5
there 0 2 0 3 5
ground 0 1 1 3 5
much 0 0 2 3 5
ranch 1 1 0 3 5
journal 1 3 0 1 5


PHRASE USAGES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
and began to 1 0 0 2 3
to the ground 0 1 1 1 3
at the girl 0 1 0 1 2
at the same 0 0 0 2 2
back on the 0 0 0 2 2
began to write 0 0 0 2 2
the same time 0 0 0 2 2
For a while 0 0 0 2 2
and it was 0 0 1 1 2
Man was drunk 0 0 1 1 2
my dream journal 0 0 1 1 2
the same dream 0 1 0 1 2
closer to the 1 0 0 1 2
I was going 0 0 0 2 2


PHRASE USAGES - 4-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

4-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
and began to write 0 0 0 2 2
at the same time 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 1-WORD - TOP 20

1-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I 23 3 4 1 31
The 12 2 1 2 17
he 4 3 0 3 10
This 1 2 0 4 7
My 0 1 2 2 5
It 0 1 0 2 3
For 0 1 0 2 3
She 0 0 0 3 3
Darkness 0 0 0 2 2
Man 0 0 0 2 2
And 0 0 0 2 2
It's 0 0 0 2 2
I've 1 0 0 1 2
When 0 0 0 2 2
Woke 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 2-WORD PHRASES - TOP 20

2-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
I was 3 0 0 3 6
I looked 1 0 0 2 3
My eyes 0 0 0 2 2
Man was 0 0 0 2 2
For a 0 0 0 2 2
I have 0 1 0 1 2
The girl 0 0 0 2 2
Woke up 0 0 0 2 2


START OF SENTENCE PHRASES - 3-WORD PHRASES - TOP 5

3-word Phrases Within 50 words Within 50-100 words Within 100-200 words More than 200 words apart Total Count
For a while 0 0 0 2 2

SENTENCE STATISTICS

Number of sentences: 163
Average Sentence Length: 9.3 words
Longest Sentence: 38 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 6.2 words
Average Difference in Length from Last Sentence: 112 %





If you need some help understanding the stats let me know.

Lyn
25
25
In affiliation with WDC Frontliners Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Wow, I just got called a girl! It has been awhile since that has happened. I read your review, and wondered if we read the same books. You list Phil as Renee's boyfriend- he is her husband, Bella moved to Forks so that her mother could go on the road with her baseball player husband, and in part the subconcious desire not to have to play her own mother's nurse maid-- Bella was always the more mature soul. It was time to be a teen.

Bella's faults- clumsy- a lot of teenage girls can relate to this, squimish with blood, stubborn, headstrong, shy, not confident in herown merits- as a high school teacher-- I've known at least a couple of dozen Bellas every single year.

Edward- reticent, moody, determined, also stubborn, (also had many male students that fit this description) his 'gift' is limited by distance, Alice's is limited by choices people make. Yes, Edward watching Bella without her knowledge and permission is creepy- but- hey he IS a vampire-- he needs to do SOME creepy things.

The author obviously believes of 'love at first sight' because that is the tone the book takes as soon as Bella and Edward meet. Meyers set this up to loosely be in the vein of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice with a vampire twist. The second book is patterned after Romeo and Juliet, but in this case the lovers survive.
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