I liked this poem! You speak honestly, from the heart and this piece contains a loving/positive message. I was a little unsure about who the poem is speaking to.
I find sometimes poetry is clear and other times it is vague. I guess that is the nature of the beast.
You have presented this nicely, the format was clean and easy to read, you added some punctuation as you felt neccessary and evenly spaced the verse so that this was easy to read. I like that alot!
The only thing I wanted to mention was thw 1st 2 lines of the second sentence as it seemed just a tad awkward
when reading, perhaps wording it a little differently
would perfect the flow, it is not a big deal really but may detract slightly from this for future readers:
Try not to let the world get you down
Try not to let things pull you down
Maybe you could try:
Do not let the world get you down
Don't let others make you frown
You do not have to change this at all, it is up to you and my sentence is just an example, feel free to use it if you like but I do not want you to think I am trying to change your piece. All I really want to do is help you to improve and be successful here on this wonderful site!
Thank you for sharing this and allowing the reader a peek into your life. Sorry you had to endure all of the hurts from the very people who should have been loving and nuturing you. I was really touched by this. I felt for you! You were able to rise above all of that and I applaud your personal strength! The ability to touch a reader in a profound way is a stepping stone to success
as a writer.
The only thing I would recommend with this is removing some of the uses of and, replacing them with a comma.
For example, I lit a cigarette and picked up my beer
and took a swig.
I lit a cigarette, picked up my beer and took a swig.
Writing is a wonderful way of expressing our emotions
which can be very theraputic. Keep Writing!
I liked your suggestion that reviewers draw on their own strengths when reviewing. Using a template may be work for some, I personally don't think it is right for me.
I like my reviews to have a more personal feel. I do use WritingML to highlight certain things in a review that I want the author to notice or pay attention to.
Overall I think you have given others some great advice
as well as some food for thought.
The only minor critical thing I could say is the presentation/format could use a little tweaking. Perhaps aligning the paragraphs a little better will make this look neater and help you attract more readers.
I really enjoyed this as I hope my rating will reflect.
Creativity combined with an inspiring moral! Great job!
Keep Writing!
Jenn
*** Disclaimer *** This is more of a comment than an actual review
I take a lot of pride in the fact the Writing.Com is able to provide so many incredible features and opportunities for FREE. Many other sites have tried and failed while we are growing strong.
Thank God!!
Personally, I had just as much fun with my FREE Account as I am having with my Donated Upgrade (I am eternally grateful to R.A.O.K.)
I have been here only a short time but I was given a very generous gift of a one months membership. I was flattered, touched and thrilled by this. I intend to make very good use of this gift. I can't afford a paid membership at the moment, but intend to have one sometime in the future when I can afford it.
My God some people don't appreciate anything, I think it is generous of you to offer free membership and as I said above, my experience has been wonderful with the free account there are still some great features.
As far as complaining, if I can't afford to upgrade I
will just have to make the best use of what is available to me until such time as I am able to add this site to the budget.
Don't fret, those of us who enjoy the site appreciate the free account, and will upgrade as we are able. You have a glorious site here! Rock On!
Your Ending sent chills running up and down my spine! Sad, horrific, statistics. You my friend are a master of the craft! The passage at the end, written by a madman is creepy and chilling. Just to know that such Evil had existed, such hatred and prejudice could be felt by one individual is shocking.
The reason I so enjoy reading your work is the range of emotions you evoke with your stories which so often contain a mixture of sorrow and terror.
Writing is a better outlet for releasing emotion pain than cutting will ever be. You did a nice job with this
poem. It is emotional, vivid and expressive. I like how you brought a real problem to light by only hinting at it.
You do provide some good advice, and I agree with some of the points you have made here. It isn't so much the advice that bothered me, more the tone in which it was presented.
For example you say:
First off, grammar is not optional. I don't care who you are, or what you write, if you want anyone to read it you should use proper grammar.
I am not suggesting that you are not entitled to your
opinion, nor am I saying that I dis-agree that for serious writers Grammar is indeed important. The wording you used just left a bad taste in my mouth.
What you say here just seems too much like you take these things personal, almost as though reading items
with the aforementioned problems offends you personally.
One point I would like to make No one is forceing you to read any piece that does not measure up to standards you have set for yourself. People are going to post things in a variety of different writing styles and different degrees of expertise. All you can
do about the ones you are not fond of is:
1.Ignore them!
2.Send the Author a review, point out any errors and offer suggestions on how to improve.
In the short time I have been reviewing, I have come across some Authors who are excellent story tellers
but have poor spelling/grammar skills.
It has been my experience that these folks appreciate
suggestions and are receptive to feedback I send.
You are entitled to your opinion and I am in no way suggesting that you do not make excellent points.
I, on the other hand, am from a different school of thought on the matter of pet peeves. I see writers do all sorts of things that annoy me however, that is my problem. I should not then go pointing my finger in their face saying " Write only in the manner which pleases me."
I understand that you are frustrated and that is what
lead to posting this rant. Maybe taking some time away
from the site would help put things back in proper perspective for you.
My rating will reflect the fact that although you make some good points, I felt this piece was more average than spectacular.
This is truly terrifying to an Arachnaphobic like me. I shuddered when I read the ending. This is a very interesting perspective, very creative & unique.
There is something about eyes that conveys life-or absence thereof. I only discovered this when my father was in the hospital, but it is something that I will never forget. Your title is what drew me in to read this lovely piece! There is nothing about this piece I could criticize. It is wonderful!
This is a truly beautiful and inspiring message! Thank you for sharing. I noticed a few typos I wanted to alert you to so that they do not cloud your wonderful piece.
1. But when it comes(becomes) too much,
2. I'll be the one to set you straight and I'll helpo you keep your individuality while allowing you to dance with the world around you.
3. I'll once again the(be) the warmth of your fire, and send warming energy through your veins letting you feel my lvoe for you, through nature.
Hi Nick,
You have a way with words that I find so delightful!
this one in particular made me cackle: standing there dumbfounded, as stupid as a cabbage.
Honestly, not one typo or anything that I could criticize in any of your stories. You are amazing!
I finallt finished reading this, I wrote you a long comment about how much I enjoyed it and then when I tried to submit Connection refused
Sigh
Really Enjoyed this story. You have been a source of reading enjoyment over the past few weeks. I wanted to make sure I gave this the attention it deserved when I
first started reading it, after that it became like a good book that I could not put down.
I also have noticed the award and honerable mention this has received. WTG! I'm off now to Read your other item. I hope you are working on your next piece!
Best,
Jenn
This is a very interesting story. You have done a great job with in-depth descriptions of both your characters thoughts and feelings, surroundings.
The only thing that stopped me from giving you a 5 was your characters reactions to his situation seem just slightly off.
I had a bit of a tough time with Sam's not putting up a fight at all. Even his thoughts seem to indicate acceptance of any punishment his tormentors will inflict.
I was able to attribute that to an almost paralyzing fear, however , I still felt that he should have struggled, or put up a bit of a fight.
I only mention this because I think your story is wonderful and this point made me hesitate, and ponder how realistic this situation really is.
You do a great job setting the story up, it is a great story. I do think that you could expand on it a little as it seems to weaken near the end. I liked your story idea and I just would like to see it grow a little.
A few formatting errors I spotted would help your story
be easier to read:
<<< First thing I would recommend is breaking the story up into smaller paragraphs as this makes it easier to read and will hold a readers attention longer.
He says still struggling to walk. “bobby.”
<<<This is probably an oversight, you seem to have capitalized all of the other Proper Names in your story
Your last paragraph could use some revision
The gun sat noticeably as his side. Jamie nodded. The Police officer went to his car watching as they gathered their stuff. It was time to move on anyways. The river may have drowned them plus they were other parts of the city to explore. They never knew were they headed next but it was important that they were going somewhere and they rarely got lost. They knew their way around town.
The gun sat noticeably as (typo) his side. Jamie nodded. The Police officer went to his car watching as they gathered their stuff.
It was time to move on anyways. (This word could be substituted and the thought expanded on)
Same goes here for the rest of the paragraph expand on the thought and try to edit the wording
So that it conveys a complete thought.
The river may have drowned them plus they were other parts of the city to explore. They never knew were they headed next but it was important that they were going somewhere and they rarely got lost. (Maybe take this sentence out all together) They knew their way around town.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful! They are just my thouhts on how you could improve upon what you already have going for you with this.
Keep Writing and be sure to let me know if you revise this in any way! I would like to see this get better
ratings!
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