Oh my gosh this was funny. It reminds me of every time someone would say "hi" and I'd say "hi" back and realize they were saying hi to someone else.
Thanks for the laugh.
I love this. I wish I could hear the music. Your lyrics are funny and absolutely clever. I'm a longtime songwriter myself. You really nailed this genre.
THanks for the funny read.
Karla
Wow. You are truly gifted. I find myself wondering what made you write this. Your rhythm, your rhyme, your images are inspired.
Thanks for the great poetry.
I know you're not finished with this, but it's just goofy enough to keep me enthralled. I especially like that part where your friend takes a polaroid of you and it comes out of his mouth.
I have often wondered if I myself, have woken up with huge parts of my brain snatched from me. I'm grateful not to be alone. . .
Thanks for the laugh and be sure to finish it!
Karla
You nailed this one. I happen to be going through something likes this right now and it s*cks.
One thought to consider: For your efforts that I’ve abused
You don't need that extra word. The meter works better without it and the reader should understand your meaning without it. (If not, smack 'em upside the head!)
This line though is incomparably beautiful and perfect. Loved it!:
I really liked this piece as you made me SEE the scenario and FEEL his despair. I'd like to see some of the phrases re-worked to read more lyrical. Unfortunately, I'm not able to give you any examples right now, but if I can I will, because it's not exactly fair to say that something needs work and then not provide some insights, etc.
I think you have the makings of a good piece here.
Also, I think it could be longer, because you really grabbed me and I didn't want it to end.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. And yes -- everyone has done something like this. All the while I was reading your narrative, my inner voice was going, "No! NO! Don't do it!"
i}Hope left the table, breaking off all further negotiation. Nothing but lawyers remained. {/i}
The above line was especially funny. I can soooo relate.
THanks for a well-written and honest piece.
Karla
This was great and something I really needed to read right now. There's not a thing I would change.
Thanks for the inspiration. I think I'll print it out and keep it by my bedside.
This is really quite good. Your description is original and I can SEE what you are seeing. This is the mark of a good writer, one who can draw you immediately into their world. I can sense your awe and fear, but also your appreciation for a natural wonder.
The only complaint I have is your format. Instead of centering the text, it should be left aligned. It makes it easier to read.
Having said that, I'm no expert on poetry and if you like it centered then, by all means, leave it that way.
This was perfect. I could "see" the whole shebang
I think it speaks highly of you that you would actually take a survey.
And now you have me curious. I wonder where that whole phrase did come from?
An absolutely enjoyable read. I would like to read more . . .
It's been 30 years since I've been in school, yet your descriptions of social groups is timeless - a great social commentary, I think. Brilliant observations and HILARIOUS!
Your piece took me back to my school days and you made me laugh out loud! Something we all need more of.
There are only a couple of things I can comment on that I think would make the piece better --
It runs a bit long - I would break it up. The descriptions of the groups could be a piece of its own with the classes following as separate titles.
There are some some punctuation and grammar errors.
This is why I gave it a 4.5 and not 5 stars.
THanks for plugging this piece. I wouldn't have had the pleasure reading it otherwise. Thoroughly entertaining.
This is very good. You've got a great handle on detail and the cycnical anecdotes are PERFECT.
My only points of critique and they are just suggestions mind you --
1. There is far too much detail all at once. As your project unfolds, it would be better to scatter the descriptions of the different places throughout your story as your story takes place.
2. There is no story here yet, that pulls me in. There are excellent references to things that have happened but for me, they need to be told by the Main Character or characters yet to be introduced.
I hope you take this in the spirit of encouragement that is intended.
Karla
Oh man! This is one of the best things I've read. This piece, to me, is inspirational and I loved the part about horses being stabled, etc. That stanza is a great and perfect analogy for what some people do to their creativity and try to do to ours.
I am not happy here, but I’m a failure at escaping.[/i}
I had to read this after reading Suze's review.
This is so very deliciously good and it's so well written,
I can feel how hard it is for her to move! I can see her walls and dirty dishes! I can see her crusty sponge in my own hand!
I'm having a hard time believing you didn't write it about yourself or that you haven't been sneaking in to my head . . . you describe her emotional state so well.
Absolutely beautiful. Your descriptions are powerful and complete without sounding like rattling off a list. (You know what I mean)
There is some editing and grammar to be done, which is why I didn't give it a 5. For instance, the first paragraph (in my very humble opinion) should be placed later in the piece.
The ability to describe a child's viewpoint vs an adult's, and the irony therein, is something I love to read and you've done it well.
sincerely, karla
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