You've done a great job with this form. It feels natural, not forced into the rhyme scheme. I really like the repeated line 'It's giving up that makes you frail'.
The music of the poem is lovely and you have communicated your ideas on the theme, the repeated lines seem to suit the sense of the poem, that you have to keep on confronting your fears, keep on having another try.
The thing that would make it a perfect poem for me would be a more striking image, or more specific detail. Such as the idea of tackling obstacles as climbing a mountain is a fairly common one, if you had a more surprising image there it would be great. (Easier said than done! I know that from my writing)
These are just my thoughts, good luck with your writing.
This is a fun and playful poem. I'd love to know what inspired it!
The picture I get is of a skeleton that's moving as if it's dancing. Even though it's a skeleton it's not scary or threatening. Some really strong images especially the 'rail thin harem girl'. And I love the way you've laid out low low low. It's grotesque the combination of sexy and skeleton.
I think I'd just like a hint in the poem of whether it's a kind of ghost story, that I should really believe a skeleton is dancing, or whether it's someone daydreaming in science class...
I really enjoyed this little poem. The first stanza has the feel of a haiku, the simple evocative description of the view from your window. The second stanza is a surprise and a contrast, the plans of the gardener for spring. It's a lovely optimistic ending to the poem.
I really enjoyed this poem. The subject is simple, just describing walking to the mailbox in the snow, but your description is so accurate. I love the line "ungloved right hand grasping a letter" it is so precise. I think about how cold the ungloved hand must be, and how important the letter must be that you are out in the blizzard to send it.
I loved the line about 'loved ones in New Orleans' - I think about how warm and comfortable they must be compared to you! You create this contrast so lightly without labouring it - it's really well done.
The use of repetition is great - is it a specific form? It really suits the subject matter where the walk keeps going on but he feels he's getting nowhere. Again it's not overdone, it feels natural, I noticed one repetition in the first reading and then had to go back and see if there were any more.
I really enjoyed this poem. Canada, I was expecting a poem about snow, was surprised to get heat and humidity! You use some great words that are nice to read and bring strong images to mind, like molasses and mantle.
Some lovely rhyming sounds in the lines 3 and 4 before the end - living river slick flesh street grit - lovely!
I can feel the grit sticking to my neck too! I like the ending, the psychedelic feel of the acid sunset, as if your visit to the city is a bad trip.
This poem is full of rich imagery. I have to say that some of it baffles me!! But I'm starting to think that some of the best poetry doesn't give it all away on the first reading, instead it has strong images that stay in the readers mind.
First stanza - describes peasant farms where the farmers are barefoot. The reference to Cancer is this the tropic of cancer? The second line suggests fruitfulness and plenty, while the third line suggests death - the empty shell and bones after the food is finished.
Second stanza - describes a vineyard. Lovely rhyming sounds in this stanza - vines mind spines white divides. The word hemisphere makes me think of the world, and travel which is the theme of your poem, but it is also part of a lovely image of the strong sunlight hitting the grapes, so they are half in light and half in shade.
third stanza - I think the first line is describing the farmer with black stained teeth blowing pipe smoke into your face. The word that puzzles me here is 'ermined' - I guess you mean 'white furred eyes' it's an odd image for me.
fourth stanza - in the final stanza you are remembering home and wishing to go back there. The final line is an abrupt and surprising ending, I think the rhyme works well here. I'd love to know more about the significance of the dead fish! Is it food, recreation or a victim of pollution?
This is a great poem. The short lines and the rhymes make it gallop along, it mimics the fast pace of the day and all the things you have to squeeze in.
The everyday language works well, there was only one word that didn't feel right for me 'doth' in the line - 'mind doth fail'.
The main body of the poem is like a to-do list for a busy mum, the ending takes it a step further. The feeling that in spite of all the hard work, your family are your blessings - I love that positive feeling at the end of the poem.
It's interesting that the themes are similar to the "Why" poem with all the questions. The poem has a nice structure, comparing the plain old rock to precious gems and useful coal, and then returning to the plain rock again. I love the last verse, it's very positive and accepting of who you are.
The only line I don't like is "No way!" which seems too much like everyday conversation, compared to the tone of the rest of the poem.
I enjoyed this poem, it gives a lovely sense of someone enjoying the peaceful early evening on their own.
I particularly liked the middle stanza, the details you describe are very real and specific. The way you describe the humidity and the fact that it didn't rain. The mothers calling the children in. It builds a lovely picture of a moment in time.
This is a really interesting poem, I feel like it's telling me two opposite things at once. On one hand it's about longing to be pregnant, to be a mother when it seems as if everyone else is. At the same time these are all teenage mothers and you seem to be questioning why. You emphasize the youth of the pregnant woman in the first verse describe her with pimples and call her a child.
In the second verse I wonder whether the child is neglected, with no hand to hold and running on the road in the path of cars, although the mother is close enough to yell at the driver.
In the last verse you portray yourself as a teenager as well, linked to the others with the same ponytail, crying because the pregnancy test is negative (did I get this bit right?)
For me the poem makes me wonder why these young women are rushing into parenthood and don't have other things they want to acheive first...finishing school, going to college or getting a job... I don't know if that's just me or if other readers feel that.
I really liked your imagery, especially the ponytail in each verse.
Good luck with your writing and submitting!
cheers
Kate
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