Hi, Thomas. Thank you for sharing this delightful story and allowing me the pleasure of enjoying it. I found it quite entertaining and found myself soon immersed in the land of shadows.
You kept to the point of your story throughout allowing the reader to easily enjoy the read. The development was simple to follow with no sudden changes to confuse the reader.
The characters were lively and your usage of some very descriptive lines lured the reader into the setting of the story...
vast amount of twinkling stars in the inky blue sky
Darkness appeared as if it were bellowing out of the ground
Below are some things I noticed that you may want to address, although they did not manage to distract this reader's enjoyment.
She possessed the ugliest, the tangliest, and the dullest hair - I'm not sure tangliest is a word. Perhaps consider changing to tangly or most tangled?
desperately to travel to the middle of nowhere
was twisting and turning in a frightful manner - manor is a noun for mansion or estate.
her own shadow did not even notice its daytime master
newly mowed grass, and crushed peppermint leaves danced around her my senses
The dancing es shadows flitted around the fire
The overall presentation of your story is inviting with no major mechanical errors to distract the reader.
You managed to totally surprise me with the ending, and I loved it. It adds a moral to the story that leaves your reader with a thought and a smile.
Well, this was a different type of short story for me to delve into...but I must say it did hold my attention.
The characters were different yet you brought them to life and managed to make me believe in Gariben, Abaddon, and Necromancer.
The dialogue enhanced Gariben's persona. I grew to really enjoy his humor and strength.
You choice of settings for the story from bar room to sewer and descriptive wording invited the reader to settle in beside the characters...oh joy! Granted it ended up in not quite the place a reader would usually choose to ramble. You managed to appeal to my senses of yuck, yuck, and yuck...what am I doing here.
I noticed no mechanical errors. The story was inviting to read through its presentation, punctuation, and spelling.
I have a feeling that your port will become a vacation resort for readers of your writing style.
Greetings, Jack Stone. Oh, I can only envision a children's book with no birds or bees, only stick figures in the sand.
This was a cute story that had me laughing and glad it was YOUR family...not mine.
You handled the crisis and the story development quite well.
The characters were more than believable to any parent. The dialogue more than realistic to those who have gone before you. The pacing was, to my surprise, quite appropriate to the storyline. You're a very patient soul who knows when a picture on the beach can paint more than mere words.
Just one mechanical error I noticed while counting my blessings that I'm way past the experience:
This was was going to be easier
A comical story that evolved from the curiosity of babes. I would recommend this enjoyable read to anyone either approaching the 'birds and bees' conversation or to those who can just enjoy a laugh knowing their task is done.
Hi, smileyface. Oh my, hold just a moment, as I wipe a tear or two from my own eyes.
This was such a heartwarming story that kept my attention from beginning to end. It definitely draws the reader into the lives of your characters. Their emotions made me feel like a fourth character in the story.
The little dialogue presented did seem realistic between father and son. Although, it happened in the past, I would suggest relating the conversation between Gabriel and Lydia (in the third paragraph) with quotes rather than just a narration.
Just some things that caught my attention while enjoying my read:
and remembering how he had slogged
to move away from their current positions.
a stunning beauty, and Gabriel
and Lydia would peek at it from behind it
The ending of your story actually surprised me and added to the spirit of this Christmas tale. I would recommend this enjoyable read to anyone needing a Holiday lift.
Hi, j. dwight. I like how you tie the beginning of your story, and feeling at peace in the water, to the end of your story. Also, the tale in between is quite explanatory of how you managed to feel this peace again.
You manage to carry the theme of this tale through to the end although the settings bounce to different timeframes. It develops logically so the reader can follow the changes.
I do feel the mechanics of this writing needs a little attention.
That first paragraph does seem to go on forever. Perhaps, you might consider making it two or three sentences?
Since the following seems to refer more to the present rather than a flashback, you might type it in italics so the reader can immediately distinguish this fact. Otherwise, if they're like me, they will ponder why this thought suddenly appears. I suggest adding maybe one more such thought throughout the flashbacks since once I caught onto it, I liked the idea. If this does not refer to the present, than I am totally confused as to why it is inserted at this point.
This line, sitting on the roof of the car, sounds like you are actually outside the vehicle. I feel it could be clarified by stating interior roof. Just a thought.
The paragraph detailing your coming out of the water would probably read a lot easier if separated into more than three sentences. That second sentence just runs on and on.
It's a good storyline that, despite the adversities presented, left the reader with a smile.
Hello, Alice, and welcome to Writing.Com! I may have to nickname you Alice of WonderWordLand!
Oh, I like the musings of your mind. Your words are quite descriptive and depict the feelings and thoughts of many writers/artists. I imagine you had to ace this assignment.
I particularly liked your lines about 'Construct what you want with whatever you want and do not be ashamed." Although we need to be open to suggestions to improve, we also need to remain true to our feelings for our words.
Now...for my suggestions:
It’s thousands of bristly arms Delete the apostrophe in Its
I didn't find myself really stumbling through your words but did notice that perhaps the punctuation could be improved a tad to guide the reader a little more slowly through some lines. Kudos for the punctuation used and the effort to steer your reader through your words with designated pauses.
Personally, I feel your port will provide many entertaining writings for all of us to enjoy!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Ugggg, first snow here!
Your poem allowed this reader to travel down many roads of your life, cherishing each through your words. Although it reads more like a story than poem, it was a bittersweet journey as you allowed me to accompany you and your husband.
Although I know you really worked on the rhyme scheme of this writing, personally, I feel the rhyme wrote the thoughts more than the memories. Still, despite gypsies, levees and a misplaced key, the feelings of your words and love touch the reader.
I do hope the ending verse was merely a journey of words strongly expressed rather than reality.
Overall, it was a nice read somewhere between poetry, prose and short story that this reader enjoyed.
Hi, daver. I saw this posted on the "The Shameless "Plug" Page" with your comment, "first stab at a horror story with a spiritual slant ." Good plug as it captured my interest.
It's a good read with enough action to keep the reader on edge. Unfortunately, beginning the story with "The killer" does tend to reveal a little too much too soon. The reader immediately knows the prowler is a killer and with only Rick as other main character, it's not hard to assume he is the victim. Perhaps, referring to the 'killer' with other synonyms such as stranger, prowler, etc., until the opening hook of storyline has been completed.
Just a few other suggestions:
Please, Mom, go back
“This is the beginning.”.
“What the...? “
He saw a large lump under the blankets.
Then he emptied the bookcase by Rick’s night stand.
Overall, the story is solid with good exposure to the characters. The tension kept the reader interested. Personally, I appreciated the ties between this senseless death and the light.
I would recommend that others take the time to read and enjoy your writing.
Hello, Oldwarrior, and welcome to Writing.Com! Congratulations on being featured this week in the "Noticing Newbies Newsletter."
This was a delightful story that reminded me of the anticipation and thrills of when the carnival rolled into town.
You provided the reader with a pleasant journey down memory lane with you, the cousins, neighborhood kids, dogs, and Whillickers. Definitely an experience, or at least the same feelings from an experience, that we hope every child will carry through life.
Only one thing I noticed while enjoying my read:
the wagon he was so proud of; it was a brace of ugly mules.
Of course, words such as purdy, whoop-up on me, and youngins just added to the charm of the time line and memories of this writing.
Reading your story was like a joy ride down memory lane.
Greetings, CM. These are beautiful, proud words to read as each of us ventures to the voting polls next week (or this week, if allowed to vote early).
Your poem allows us a moment to take a step back, take a deep breath, and realize that despite our current crises, we still have much to be thankful for and to enjoy.
This is an impressive tribute to our brave now serving and those who served so courageously throughout our history.
Although the entire writing gave me goosebumps, I personally viewed this particular line with a double meaning:
we can look up and see that the stars still shine.
Of course, that the stars on our proud flag still shine, but also that despite the separation of God and State, HE still allows us to marvel at the original stars.
Thank you for a stunning reminder of just how lucky we are in the United States.
Greetings, J C. An enjoyable slow jam that rocks your reader with the feelings your words chorus.
Although the poem expresses your sentiments, I'm wondering if perhaps replacing the first three verses beginning with "like" with further emotion might elaborate more of what you are feeling.
My pov: Focused, penetrating, or pulsating as the first ping, ping, ping? Thundering or throbbing as the bass line that thumps?
As in any r&r these are just my personal thoughts. I enjoyed reading your original views, so take or leave my suggestions.
Hi, Juno. Oh, your words are comforting even to those of us who have a cubicle, rather than classroom, to which we really don't want to go.
Your writing is very inspirational, but I'm wondering if the presentation could be a little more inviting? Perhaps separate your longer thoughts into two, three or more lines. Join like thoughts together in one paragraph? This could read so beautifully as free verse.
You possess such feeling...but right now it is presented as more of a story rather than the prose it could become with a little editing.
Well, I just had to r&r this writing that will most likely have me curled in fetus position shivering beneath the covers tonight. The electric company will love me since every light in the house will be burning brightly.
This is a chilling write that not only captures the reader's attention but sends a chill through every nerve ending in their body.
The presentation is inviting and I found nothing to distract from just enjoying the writing.
Your descriptive words will haunt this reviewer long after I shut down my computer tonight.
This was a delightful turn of what was expected from the prompt! An enjoyable read. I can occasionally get a thrill at viewing the Big Dipper when I cross my eyes and stare.
I could'n't find even a little dipper of suggestions to improve your story.
This was just an overall good read that left the reviewer smiling at your ability to create an interesting story beyond the visual prompt.
Hi, Leenie. I am so excited to see that you have been quite busy adding some new writings to your port since my last visit.
This short story is touching, yet riveting...a delicate subject approached with honesty, respect, emotion, hope, and imagination (as to the development of how the story progresses through the hidden closet and the key).
You created a good transfer from present day to many years ago. You managed to keep the reader's attention as you travelled that painful path to the memories of yesterday.
It's always difficult to comment on mechanics/presentation of such a sensitive writing, but I do suggest you double space between paragraphs to make your this a little more inviting to the reader.
Also, I suggest changing rollercoasters to roller coasters.
Your ending line summarized the story beautifully. The reader felt the strength in facing the pain of the past, yet the determination to move beyond it to become the woman, wife, and mother you are today.
Hello, Leenie Smiles, and welcome to Writing.Com! I noticed that we share the same Writing.Com birthday, just a few years apart.
Your poem does depict the sadness buried within a child that has not been nurtured by the two people trusted most in life. It delivers a punch to your reader with a reality wake-up call that this mental cruelty is nearly an epidemic these days.
The comparisons made throughout the poem are well-chosen to portray the damage done to a child, except one line that seemed to be more repetitive rather than opposite feelings: No affection, not hugs Perhaps, if you chose an antonym for affection, this line would reflect the conflicting feelings as expressed in other lines. My personal thoughts would be Apathy, not hugs or coldness, detachment, hardness, stolidity. As always, just my own observation.
The last line is quite powerful and leaves the reader with hope that this child has broken the cycle and somehow has acquired feelings to share.
As the mother of a young woman that will eventually bloom in the world on her own, I love this writing.
This is beautiful and your words root themselves in a mother's heart. Weeds can be beautiful and definitely strong. The comparison of a wild, hardy, colorful weed to a beautiful, fragrant, yet frail flower , is quite creative.
Again, I have no suggestions to improve. This poem is perfect; the mechanics and your thoughts are impeccable. It is an inspiring read.
Hello, Harry. Thank you for requesting a review of your writing in "Invalid Item" .
This is probably one of the rare times that I won't preach about searching for synonyms for a word that is used repetitively in a writing. The insistent use of "wait" in the first stanza underlines the game forced upon anyone crossing the threshold of the room. Rather than detracting from the writing, it actually provokes memories of being in the room.
The second stanza provides a vivid view of the room and its atmosphere. The words, so that our space feels violated when someone sits down besides us, reads like a thought from my own mind.
The sentiment that everyone is unique yet equal while sharing this moment of time in the room rings so true. We're on an equal playing field hoping for victory.
Sorry, but I have no suggestions for improving this writing. I do recommend others to take a moment to enjoy, though.
You have expressed some original, creative thoughts about waiting that composed an entertaining read. Of course, I'm not surprised since I've always enjoyed reading your words.
Hello, Mari, and welcome to Writing.Com. Your poem is a great tribute to one of my favorite spring flowers. They don't require much attention, but offer a visual delight.
The one thing that really struck me while enjoying your poem is the excessive usage of "I" variations. This could be easily remedied, with a little editing. For instance:
give me water and some food
I’ll grow up straight and tall give me water and some food
Watch me grow straight and tall
I came from Persia
A few centuries ago
I don’t climb or even crawl Arrived from Persia
A few centuries ago
Never climb or even crawl
etc., etc. Just words for thought, and I know you can edit the rest, if you feel the suggestion is appropriate for your poem.
I think this one line may have been an oversight, since all other verses end the same:
Through the winter and the fall
I’m just perfect for you all
Good luck in the contest, and I know it won't be long till my tulips peek through the ground.
This review is in response to your post on "Please Review" . Please remember that these comments are merely my personal point of view.
Hello, always. I absolutely love the thought behind this writing. The sentiment is beautiful and touching.
Unfortunately, the rhyme scheme does not support the tenderness of the poem. It seems that some words were chosen just to rhyme and do not add the depth of emotion this writing deserves.
I understand it is your choice to not capitalize, but in my opinion, not capitalizing "I" and "I'll" detracts from the poem.
No doubt it will be time consuming to rethink this rhyme, but the sensitivity of the writing merits some editing.
Hello, Joey, and welcome to Writing.Com. Thank you for sharing a serviceman's point of view. Your honesty touches the core of anyone blessed to discover your words.
Your time spent in Iraq is a HUGE sacrifice and contribution by you, your family and friends.
Your writing is humbling to those of us reading your thoughts and thanks.
May God bless and keep you, your driver, gunner, truck commander and dismount safe, and all of our drivers, gunners, truck commanders and dismounts.
A new forum has been created by our very own Of Fire Born mourns Mama. I hope you'll visit "Invalid Item" when you can. YOU are there for us...and WE are here for YOU!
This is a delightful concept for a storyline. Unfortunately, as presented with no caps and so short, there's not much to enjoy or r&r.
Can you describe the costume the little goblin is so proud of, or add a little background as to why this little trick-or-treater is afraid of the dark? Would Mom really let her go out alone on this spooky night? Perhaps mom is a shadow following her every move that spooks her even more?
The idea of a wanna-be trick-or-treater in her room trying on her costume yet afraid to approach the dark is an imaginative idea.
Just give me MORE...I know you can do it! Think back beyond your 15-years as to what spooked you most while cultivating your dowry of candy. What could have made YOU so fearful that you would have succumbed to a private fashion show of costume rather than public display to garnish the goodies?
I don't want to discourage your creativity with this rating, but I do hope to read what this intro to a 'real' story might harvest. You have the talent, so take some time to nourish this story to become all that it can become.
Please let me know if you edit this writing. You have the talent to offer a complete story...not just a skeleton.
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If this does not refer to the present, than I am totally confused as to why it is inserted at this point.
My bribe for ransom has not yet been posted. 