I was browsing for something to read before bed and came across your story. I thought I'd take a moment to comment on it. Please remember that the comments are only my opinions and you are free to ignore them at will!
First, I have to say that I found the story very entertaining. You have a wonderfully creepy plot and I found myself wondering the entire time "ooh! What's going on?!"
I also like the little twist you give it at the end. It seems almost Stephen King-ish to me. I love the unexpected!
There are a few things I thought I would point out, in an effort to help you mold this story into greatness.
1. There are a couple of sections where lines repeat themselves. For example:
There was no answer. The whistling had stopped and the only sound that could be heard was that of the wind rustling the leaves and trees as it brushed by her.
There was no answer. The whistling had stopped and the only sound that could be heard was that of the wind
Unfortunately, things like that disrupt the flow of you're otherwise wonderfully paced story.
2. If possible, I'd like to see more about what's stalking her on the way through the alley. That seems like such a key point in the story and I feel that you should try to expand on that a little bit; maybe up the tension a little bit. Especially considering what happens when she gets home.
Anyway, those are my thoughts and I hope you find them helpful. If you do decide to revise the story, I'd love to read it again.
I actually read this story first in "The Far Side of Midnight." Congratulations, by the way, on getting this one published!
I thought I'd look for it here, too, to comment on it and give it the 5 stars it deserves. This story kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time. You are a fantastic story-teller!
By the way, did I mention that I LOVE how you ended this particular story? Perfect and perfectly creepy.
Congratulations again! If you keep writing, I'll keep reading!
Hi! I can't remember if I ever thanked you for taking the time to dive into my port and review some of my work! How rude of me...
However, I may not remember if I thanked you, but I never forgot that you were there! Now, it's my turn to dive in and splash around the pool of your port!
This first story has me in tears! I had to wipe my cheeks and dry my fingers on my pants before I could type.
This is very beautiful. Sure, it's well written, and I could see very few errors, but more than that, it's just a beautiful story. For someone to come through so much pain and finally find happiness ... well, as my keyboard can attest, that just brings tears to my eyes!
I hope that you, or your character rather, continue to find the happiness you deserve.
Thank you for sharing this story! I can't wait to read through the rest of your portfolio!
You've done a great job of grabbing your reader by the neck and dragging him along with the character. The desperation and fear of your character is almost tangible. This story makes you hold your breath, chew your nails and perch on the edge of your seat. Will he make it? Will his pursuer find him first?
The fast pace of the story had my own heart pounding by the time I was finished reading; like it was I who had been running for my life instead of your character.
And I love the ending.
The only other comment I have is, you have a few extra !!!! in there. With the vivid way you've brought the scene to life, you don't need them.
Another wonderful example of your talent. Actually, you managed to put into words feelings I've had since I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder fourteen years ago.
I like this line here the most -
Racing thoughts
play bumper cars
in my head.
What an apt description! In more ways than one really.
I had a nice, long review written out for you and then my computer decided to re-boot itself! I'll try to get most of it back in here for you. Technology, a gift and a curse at the same time!
I want to mention that you have a fantastic knack for description! I could clearly see the entire story unfolding in my mind, and some of the pictures made me queasy! Great job.
You have a strong plot here, with some very believable characters here. I felt sorry for both Ryan and Claire.
There are a few things that I noticed, that I thought I'd point out. Please keep in mind that these are only my suggestions and opinions. Feel free to take them or leave them as you see fit!
1. You may want to consider adding a double line between each of your paragraphs. Breaking it up like that makes it so much easier to read on a computer screen!
2. It seems that there are some spots where the point of view jumps from Ryan to Mike. It took me a few seconds to figure out just who's head I was in! You may want to consider just telling it from one or the other's point of view. I'd suggest Ryan's, since he is the most dominant in the story.
3. You have this one part here -
He followed, demanding to know how I could do such a stupid thing, ranting and raving about how dinner was ruined, the damned bastard. So I shot him.”
- She mentions that she shot "him". This actually caused me a little confusing later on as the man came to pick her up from the hospital. Is that the same man she supposedly shot? Or a different one? If it was a different one, why did Ryan feel the need to try and beat the heck out of the guy? If it's the same one, shouldn't he be dead or injured?
This is just something you may want to look at changing a little.
I enjoyed reading your work! You have a great way with words, with bringing your reader in. Like I said, your descriptions were so vivid that I actually felt ill at one spot (not a bad thing!)
You know, this is such a simple solution to a problem (?) I face all the time! I have no idea why I didn't think it myself! It's the small things that stump us sometimes I guess.
Thanks for writing this and helping me solve one of my life's small dilema's!
You know, I'm really not sure what to say! If the poem was supposed to be horribly written, you shouldn't have done such a great job of writing it! I thought the subject matter was hilarious. Such honesty!
I'm not sure if I was supposed to love it or hate it. Personally, I thought it was great.
I enjoyed "Walking Through Walls" so much that I had to go back and read the second part. It's taken me 15 minutes to just type this much! I've been laughing so hard that my fingers keep hitting the wrong keys and I have to backspace constantly!
This right here -
"Many of you are probably staying in your graves, am I right? Well, let me tell you, there are thousands of collectives that would welcome new members if you don't like the feel of worms crawling through your souls. And especially those who were cremated, I just bet you're getting tired of squeezing into an urn every night, right?"
- is pretty much indicative of the entire thing. I dare say that part two is even funnier than part one! I love your idea for dealing with lawyers in the afterlife!
I have to say, that I didn't quite get the whole relationship they'll have with the zombies, but my not understanding it completely did not in any way detract from my enjoyment of the story.
Once again, you did a great job writing this in total dialogue (even though you only "hear" one speaker). I was able to "see" everything going on as it was happening. This is a technique that I am now dying to try and learn!
I'm rating this as a five for a few reasons.
1. It's completely and utterly original. (To me anyway! ) I've never read anything like it!
2. It's very well written. I noticed no "technical" errors.
3. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and it's probably just my being tired for the not totally understanding the zombie thing. I'd also recommend this to anyone who needs a light-hearted read during the day!
First, I have to say... WOW! This poem is amazing, and you're right, not for the faint of heart.
You definitely put your feelings in such a way here that your readers can feel them as well. I like the way you use the phrase "Blood and Vinegar" throughout the poem. You have some very strong imagery here.
I didn't see anything to point out, and honestly, I wouldn't change this a bit. It's powerful and perfect the way it is. Wonderful job!
This is a very powerful poem! And such a question... if we could see what would happen to us, would we change it, and ourselves? I like the theme there.
I only noticed a few things.
1. All of the first words in each line are capitalized, except for two: the last line in the first stanza and the last line in the fourth.
2. You have a rhyming scheme in the first two stanzas that I really like, but, it seems that it was abandoned in the third and fourth. Was that intentional? It threw me off just a little.
Overall, I really like this poem. It's strong, with a clear message and the very end of it tied it all up for me. You have a great way with words and I look forward to reading more of your work!
What better way to relax after dinner than by popping on Writing.com and treating yourself to a great story! I've decided to treat myself to a romp through your portfolio and figured I'd start right with this folder!
Folder descriptions are often the red-headed step-children of writing. I know that sometimes, I have a hard enough time trying to find a title, let alone write a description inside the folder! But the descriptions can be so very important! They can be the make or break of whether or not your items inside get read.
You have a wonderfully welcoming description in this folder, but I might suggest adding just a little more to it. Give us a hint, a glimpse of what's in store for us as we explore. Make us not want to click away until we've read every single thing in here! Entice us to stay up all night reading the treasures waiting here!
An enticing and informative description doesn't have to be long, but even a few short sentences can make a difference!
Now that I've rambled on, I'm off to treat myself to what's waiting in this folder! I can't wait!
First off, after just reading this story, I now have you bookmarked as one of my favorites! I'm going to have to come back and read everything in your portfolio someday!
I LOVE this story. I think that first of all, it's a very original way of describing the afterlife. I also like how it's done completely in dialogue, but you only "hear" the one person even though he's being asked questions. This was very easy to follow, incredibly well written and funny as all...you know. I enjoyed this immensely!
I'd suggest this story to anyone out there who needs an amusing and well-written tale to brighten their day!
I think that this is a wonderful premise for a group!
Chronic pain plagues many, many people in this world and having a group to go to for support, tips, whining, etc. can help out more than some people realize!
What a well-written tribute to the memories of spring rains! I like how you take us through your feelings on this annual occurance during the various stages of life! May we all learn the lesson that I found hiding quietly in your last paragraph - never stop having fun when the opportunity presents itself, no matter how old you are!
Great job with this prompt and good luck with this entry!
This story was incredibly touching, and gave me pause. How many of us out there are always rushing somewhere, thinking "it's only five miles over"? How many of us don't even realize just how much harm those five miles over can do?
You wove a strong message into a very heartfelt story. I think Bob giving Jack that note taught him more of a lesson than the ticket would have.
This story was very well written, and the moral was very prevalent without beating the reader over the head. I saw no errors or stumbles to point out. Great job.
This is beautiful, and very sad. You have a great way with description! I could see quite clearly through your words the willow's graceful dance to her end. It kind of brought to mind images of people who know they are facing death, yet don't let it stand in the way of their life.
You did a great job. I saw no errors or rough patches in your essay! I can't wait to read more of your work!
I like your character. You have, in such a short time, developed her well. I feel sorry for her, and can empathize with her so far.
There was only one thing that I wanted to point out.
You may want to think about closely examining your paragraphs for tense though. In a few, you start off in past tense "He would" and switch with the next sentence to "He will". I noticed this in a few of your paragraphs.
You have a strong voice and and for the most part, your sentences and paragraphs are tightly written. You've done a good job with your character and I can't wait to see what else happens!
This story is a GREAT way to introduce yourself, and if it's any indication as to what you're capable of, I have to say, the rest of us here are in for a great treat!
I only noticed a few things as I was reading and I'll point them out now to get them out of the way.
raising is open palms to the violent sky.Lightning now danced
I think the "is" should be "his" and you need a space before "Lightning".
incantation.Malsidous did
You need a space there too.
the turned his back on the city.
I think "the" should be "then".
“Night has fallen.” Malsidous said darkly,
I could be wrong about this (I'm still learning about how to punctuate dialogue) but I think the period after "fallen" should actually be a comma.
strait = straight
“You have proved yourself resourceful,”
I'm not sure if "resourceful" was quite the right word for this sentence. I think "useful" may fit a little better here.
personel = personnel
to all of the neighboring town that the whole city was on lockdown and that no one should leave their home unless of an emergency.
"town" should probably be "towns" and the last part may read better if it says "unless it's an emergency."
“why have we stopped?”
"why" should be capitalized.
“You better take a look at this, sir.”
As with the above example, I think the period should actually be a comma.
singly = single
Now, onto what I liked! Umm. Everything! I love the story so far: the decidedly evil Malsidous; the plot; the voice; everything. You do it all so well! You describe everything so that I forgot I was actually reading this and not watching it on my computer screen. I can't wait to read more. Please let me know when you update it!
I hope this review was helpful. Take care and keep writing!
You know, this story had me nearly in tears when Kate realized that she really did love Pete. That she loved him for who he really was and not what she wished he was. I'm a hopeless romantic, what can I say?
I have to say, at first I kind of found Kate to be kind of a b**ch. I don't mean that in a bad way. In my opinion, it's always good when a reader feels strongly about a character.
I do have one suggestion. There are quite a few adverbs in your story. Things like dreamily, apathetically, and coquettishly. They are great words, but I'd like to see her be dreamy or apathetic instead of being told. You may want to consider going through and replacing those with active description if you can.
This was a wonderful, heart-warming story. I enjoyed reading it very much! I like stories where I can love or hate the characters. And I esp. like ones that make me experience a strong emotion. This story did both!
Take care and keep writing!
Karen
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