*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kimelia
Review Requests: OFF
59 Public Reviews Given
65 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Martyr  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "Martyr" 

Author: Penemue


My overall opinion: Your story is very interesting and I like your writing style. I really enjoyed reading your story.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters: The main character is Thomas. His character is well developed and believable.

Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting and moves at a good pace.

Grammar/Punctuation: I did not notice any mistakes, but there are a few places that you need to add spaces between lines/paragraphs.

Suggestions for Revision:

He had never married, and his friends often told him now that he was at times very cold and impersonal, detached even. You need a space after this sentence and the next paragraph.

Now, the bodies brought to him were merely numbers. You need a space between this sentence and the one before it.

She was different.You need a space between this sentence and the one after it.

..Long golden eyelashes.. High cheekbones.. Long and high should not be capitalized.

He felt bile rising in his throat. You need a space between this sentence and the one before it.

.. that had probably once matched..

..perfection, was a crude..

.. trembling slightly, as his fingers tightly gripped the edge..

..and he busied himself..

.. have now absorbed and reflected nothing.

The stranger followed him. You need a space between this sentence and the next.

But this man’s eyes were different. You need a space after this sentence.






Final Thoughts
2
2
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi am Kimelia *Ghost*. First of all, thanks for sharing your work. Please remember that this review is only my opinion and whether you agree or disagree with my suggestions is solely up to you.*Jackolantern* I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any comments or questions concerning my review, please contact me.*Witchhat*

Title: "Real Down-Home Cooking" 

Author: Joey's Spring has Sprung


My Overall Opinion: WOW! I wasn't expecting the ending - you really caught me by surprise there.*Shock* This was an interesting story and I enjoyed reading it.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters: The characters are a young newlywed couple, Jack and Michelle, as well as Mrs. Nilson and Edgar. The characters are well developed.

Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting and moves at a good pace.

Dialogue: The dialogue is believable and consistent with the characters.

Grammar/Punctuation: There are very few mistakes/typos.

Suggestions for improvement:

She's a fanatic about anything unnatural in the food, This comma should be a period.

..You looked worried?" said Jack. asked Jack.

No, I am just being stupid.. You forgot the " at the beginning of this dialogue.

Start a new paragraph here: "No, Mrs. Nilson, no one else," said Jack.

.. in a minute." He said.. ..minute," he said..

"Thud-cur-whack." This isn't dialogue, I think that you should use italics instead of "".

Start a new paragraph here: Michelle resisted,..

.. Mrs. Nilson and Edgar's drooping face.. Shouldn't it be faces?


*Jackolantern*Final Thoughts*Jackolantern*

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
3
3
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I am dying *Ghost* to review your work. Please remember that this is only my opinion and whether you agree with my suggestions or not is solely up to you. I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work!


*Witchhat*Title: "The Regulator (Complete First Draft)" 

*Ghost*Chapter: "Chapter 2: Andrew - The Road Ahead" 

*Jackolantern*Author: BreakingDead

*Grave*My Overall Opinion: This chapter is interesting, though it moves a little slower than the previous chapters.

*Cat*Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

*Baretree2*Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting but the pace for this chapter is a little slow.

*Devil*Characters: We are introduced to another camp counselor, Nick, in this chapter. The characters are well developed so far and there are no inconsistencies.

*Skull*Dialogue: The dialogue is believable and consistent with the characters. Remember not to use dialogue tags so often and when you do use them, you need to punctuate the dialogue with a comma instead of a period.

*Leaf4*Grammar/Punctuation: Aside from the dialogue punctuation, there aren't many mistakes in this chapter.

*Fire*Suggestions for Improvement:

..were known for commonly stumbling..

Nick stood there, arms out stretched. *Jackolantern*Outstretched is one word.

*Jackolantern* As with your other chapters, you have the problem of using periods where you need to use commas with your dialogue. I have listed three examples, there are others that I will not list in my review but I would be happy to help you with them if you would like.

1..Don’t sneak up on me like that.” Andrew said,..

2..It sucks man.” Nick said,

3..remembering happier times. (You need a comma here)” Andrew responded, turning down..*Jackolantern* Turning down doesn't really work here, looking down might work better.

*Ghost*Scare Rating:*Ghost**Ghost*ghosts.

*Jackolantern*Final Thoughts*Jackolantern*




4
4
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I am dying *Ghost* to review your work. Please remember that this is only my opinion and whether you agree with my suggestions or not is solely up to you. I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work!


*Witchhat*Title: "The Regulator (Complete First Draft)" 

*Ghost*Chapter: "Chapter 1: Brad - Reflection" 

*Jackolantern*Author: BreakingDead

*Grave*My Overall Opinion: This chapter is interesting, I like how both chapters so far have ended with the "Camp Fireside" sign, it adds to the suspense and dread of what is to come.

*Cat*Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

*Baretree2*Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting, two men run a 'camp' although in reality it is just a place to protect the survivors of the zombie apocalypse. This chapter moves at a good pace.

*Devil*Characters: We are introduced to Brad and Andrew in this chapter. The characters are well developed so far and there are no inconsistencies.

*Fire*Dialogue: It is not necessary to use dialogue tags after every dialogue (he said..). This can become repetitive and distracting from the story. Also, whenever you use dialogue tags, you punctuate the dialogue with a comma instead of a period, ex: "I'm tired," she said.

*Skull*Grammar/Punctuation: There are a few mistakes, but not many.

*Leaf1*Suggestions for improvement:

*Jackolantern* Following are two examples of the dialogue punctuation, in both situations you will need a comma instead of a period. these are from the first two lines of dialogue, I will not point out the rest after this.

1. "It's getting cold out here.," Brad said.
2. "It's been getting colder for weeks. It's not summer anymore.," Andrew said.

.. hand on Andrew's shoulder, (this comma should be a period.) "One day you'll..

.. It's not too look tough,..*Jackolantern* Too should be to in this sentence.

.. could literally feel the general mood get darker.

My groups already..*Jackolantern* You need an apostrophe in group's because it is a contraction of 'group is' not the plural form of the word.

.. swallowed hard, (this comma should be a period.) “They..

..anyones gonna forget..*Jackolantern* You need an apostrophe in anyone's because it is a contraction of 'anyone is'.

..for someone thats been bit,..*Jackolantern* You need an apostrophe in that's because it is a contraction of 'that has'.

..sighing. “Yeah.”

*Ghost*Scare Rating:*Ghost**Ghost**Ghost*ghosts.

*Jackolantern*Final Thoughts*Jackolantern*

5
5
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I am dying *Ghost* to review your work. Please remember that this is only my opinion and whether you agree with my suggestions or not is solely up to you. I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work!


*Witchhat**plum*Title:"The Regulator (Complete First Draft)" 

*Ghost*Chapter: "Prologue: The Shape - The Forgotten Town" 

*Jackolantern*Author:BreakingDead

*Grave*My overall Opinion: I was hesitant to read your story because I'm not a big fan of zombies, but I really enjoyed reading it so far. I like your writing style, it is easy to read. I also like the suspenseful tone of this chapter.

*Cat*Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

*Baretree2*Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting and the pace is good. This prologue is a good 'hook' for the rest of your novel.

*Devil*Characters: So far, we have the 'Shape' as a character. At this point the character is mysterious and it is too soon to judge how well he is developed.

*Fire*Dialogue: There is no dialogue in this chapter.

*Skull*Grammar/Punctuation: There are a few mistakes but not many.

*Leaf2*Suggestions for improvement:

..and the shape's sunken.. *Jackolantern* You need an apostrophe in shape's because it is possessive, not plural.

*Jackolantern* Its (without an apostrophe) is used to show possession, ex: its feet. It's (with an apostrophe) is used when you create a contraction with 'it is' or 'it has' ex:it's over there. I think you have confused the two. In the following sentences, the ' is not necessary:

..to cut it's bare feet..

..by it's stomach..

It's fingers had been..

.. by it's constant struggle..

..kept the Fiend pinned for so long out of it's stomach,..*Jackolantern* If you do not want to delete this part of the sentence, then you need to remove the apostrophe from its.

..replaced it in it's head.

*Ghost*Scare Rating:*Ghost**Ghost**Ghost*ghosts - mostly for suspense. This chapter isn't really scary, but I can tell that the story will be soon...

*Jackolantern*Final Thoughts*Jackolantern*





6
6
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I am dying *Ghost* to review your work. Please remember that this is only my opinion and whether you agree with my suggestions or not is solely up to you. I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work!


*Witchhat*Title:"The Witch That Would Be Queen" 

*Ghost*Author:elizjohn

*Jackolantern*My overall opinion: Your story was very interesting, however it was also quite gruesome!*Devil* Your story is very descriptive, allowing the reader to picture each ghastly scene *Ghost*.

*Grave*Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

*Baretree2*Plot/Pace: The plot is very interesting, the devil is searching for a bride. The story moves at a perfect pace.

*Cat*Characters: The characters are the devil and the three witches who are competing to be his bride. The characters are well developed.

*Devil*Dialogue: The dialogue is believable and consistent with the characters.

*Skull*Grammar/Punctuation: I did not notice any mistakes, other than a typo.

*Fire*Suggestions for improvement:

The devil watched as the children struggled..

This is a very good, descriptive scene (even though it turns my stomach, lol): It bubbled with the blood of young children, and was made hearty with bits of flesh, the soft meat of eyes, and fingers to suck and chew.

*Devil*Scare Rating:*Ghost**Ghost**Ghost**Ghost*ghosts!

*Jackolantern*Final Thoughts*Jackolantern*
7
7
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I am dying *Ghost* to review your work. Please remember that this is only my opinion and whether you agree with my suggestions or not is solely up to you.*Jackolantern* I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work!


*Jackolantern*Title:"Where Do Ghosts and Ghouls Go?" 

*Ghost*Author:Vanishing Vapor

*Jackolantern*My overall opinion: Your poem is funny, a light-hearted and entertaining read.

*Ghost*Flow/Rhyme: The poem flows well and is easy to read, I like the rhyme as well.

*Jackolantern*Grammar/Punctuation: I did not notice and grammar mistakes. As for punctuation, I think it would be better if you used other forms of punctuation besides just a comma after every line. Ex:

Where do spooks and ghouls go,
When Halloween has passed, *Jackolantern*Here, I would use a (?).

Some answers will amaze,
Some answers are quite clear, *Jackolantern*I would use a period here.

Drac works at the blood bank,
He tastes for tainted blood, *Jackolantern*I would also use a period here, as well as after the other lines pertaining to each different character.

*Ghost*Suggestions for improvement:

Scarecrows live in the fields,

And some wander the beach, *Jackolantern*Others might wander the beach.


*Ghost*Scare Rating:*Ghost**Ghost**Ghost*ghosts for humor - although it is about the supernatural, your poem is not intended to be scary. It is, however, humorous and entertaining.

*Jackolantern*Final Comments*Jackolantern*
8
8
Review of The Elven Wood  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "The Elven Wood" 

Author: L.V. van Efveren


My overall opinion: I really enjoyed reading your story. It is very interesting and well written. It flows easily and is easy to read and understand.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters: The main character is Rea. Also there is Edrin and Rea's father, the baron. The characters are well developed.

Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting and the pacing is perfect.

Dialogue: The dialogue is believable. There are no mistakes with the dialogue.

Grammar/Punctuation: I did not find any grammar or punctuation mistakes *Smile*

Suggestions for Revision:

..and people would often fondly call her the Forest Princess; Rea Silvia.

..and beckoned her over to him.

Very reluctantly she stepped forward..

..clad in all white..


Final Thoughts
9
9
Review of The Guardian  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "The Guardian" 

Author: Larka


My overall opinion: I really enjoyed reading your work, it is very interesting.

Point of View:The point of view is 3rd person.

Characters:A stranger and a young girl who is to be his apprentice.

Plot/Pace:The plot is very interesting and moves at a good, steady pace.

Dialogue:There is very little dialogue but it is believable.

Grammar/Punctuation:There are very few mistakes.

Line by Line:

A stranger in such an isolated town was a cause for intrigue on any day but this particular traveler drew more attention than others had. His attire was enough to draw attention, never mind his odd mannerisms.

The thick cloak draped around his shoulders carried all the evidence of the harsh life it had endured.

The hilt of a sword of a broad sword, on which the stranger’s hand rested, came into view as the fabric brushed back before it was pulled back into place by the man, once again hiding the weapon.

It was not uncommon for travelers to carry weapons, seeing as not all roads were friendly.

Small clouds of dirt kicked up behind him as he progressed down the road at a brisk pace.

The house, though closer to a cottage, was by no means lavishly decorated, no there was too much work to do on the farm for that he guessed. this doesn't flow very well.

Her grip firm on the toy. A patched and faded scrap of fabric for a dress and frayed yellow yarn for the hair. These are not complete sentences.

Red curls framed her innocent face, her large green eyes never leaving the man's figure.

Quietly he spoke, certain that his words would not carry the distance to the intently staring girl.

Replacing his pipe back into his cloak after a few moments thought, he started back down towards the girl.

The girl however regarded him silently as he crouched down in front of her, her green eyes never leaving his dark ones.

"Would you like to come with me?" was all he asked, extending his hand to her. Her skin was pale and soft looking, smudges of dirt on the tip of her nose and cheeks.

Without hesitation, or fear, or a word she placed her small hand trustingly in his, her other hand still clutching the doll.

The man straightened to his full height again, his hand closing around the girl's.

He had always known that he would someday take on an apprentice.

As they neared the stream, he let all thought of such things his doubts fade away.

"Muirín. Laisrén," he called, still leading the girl along.

As much as a burden as they were, he was always relieved to see them and this time was no exception.

He released the girl's hand and strode towards the pair.

Luxurious wings spread out from both their shoulders, the fine detail that set them apart into the land of myth, but here they were in living breathing, flesh and blood.

She had always been so quiet, and quick to pick up on things, and it seemed that she had never always been there her mind off wandering the hills was always wandering, never focused on what was going on around her.

And soon she was forgotten by the townspeople, as well as her parents.

She had not been witnessed standing hurriedly in the middle of (? middle of ?) tending for her doll and going to the road.This sentence is confusing and doesn't flow well. (No one had witnessed the young girl standing on the roadside, clutching her ragged doll.) Nor how she had watched intently and motionless, down the road for twenty minutes until the stranger had finally appeared. This sentence doesn't flow well either. (Nor how she had stood motionless, staring down the dirt road until the strange man appeared.

Only the cherished doll, which she no longer needed to care for, now lying abandoned in the forest, was evidence of the girl's existence.

Final Thoughts
10
10
Review of World Left Behind  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "World Left Behind" 

Author: Psycho Is A Pixie?


My overall opinion:Your story is interesting and I enjoyed reading it.

Point of View:The point of view is 1st person. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters:The narrator, a 17 year old girl. Does our narrator have a name?.

Plot/Pace:The plot is interesting and moves at a good, steady pace. A young girl who is ignored by her parents learns to survive without their help and eventually decides to start her own life. I find it interesting that both of the librarians who help the girl, disappear after doing so. This makes me even more curious about her parents and why they choose to treat her as they do.

Dialogue:There is no dialogue.

Grammar/Punctuation:There are very few mistakes.

Line by Line:

Black sweat-pants clung to my legs, and a blank (Was this meant to be black?) tank-top let me feel the brisk wind against my arms.

Once the sun was clearly above the line of the ocean, I turned around and started back home.

Not only was it private, and cozy, but it had a small window from which I could see the ocean from.

Though,*Left*(You don't need this comma) nobody really talked to me to give me the chance to disgrace myself.

My body temperature was almost always the same, wearing regular short sleeved shirts would change that all.

What most people don’t realize is that I do hear the teachers' lessons, and I completely understand them.

The teacher’s voices would reach my ears, sounding like tiny whispers of the air.

For as long as I could remember I’d been ignored by them.

I was nine by the time that happened, and I cried over the loss of my friend for a week.

I only had two pairs of clothes, both of which my parents had gotten me one day.

Staying here with my parents wouldn't help my life at all.

It wasn't too far away from Texas, were I currently resided.



Final Thoughts
11
11
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "Three Bites and You're Out...." 

Author: Sashi


My overall opinion: Your story is interesting, with a new twist on the vampire story.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person, limited to Cassie's point of view. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters:The main character is Cassie. The characters are real and believable.

Plot/Pace:The plot is interesting and moves at a good, steady pace.

Dialogue:The dialogue is real and believable.

Grammar/Punctuation:There are a few mistakes, but not many.

Line by Line:

Yet it was those eyes, he had said, that fascinated him the most.

For some reason this past week, the sun seemed to bother her for the last week.

Cassie spread a quilt on the soft sand and threw a few pillows down on it.

Hysterical now, she pushed at the top of the box, but it was heavy and barely moved an inch.

Drawing in a ragged breath, she sat up and waited for her eyes to adjust to the slightly lighter shade of darkness than had been in the closed box.

Why should I trust him after doing this to me?

He looked so dead serious, she found herself believing what he said.

"Shhh..." he soothed. "What's done is done.

She was slowly beginning to cope with being a vampire. She had to learn by trial and error, since Jace didn't stay around long enough to teach her the little intricacies involved in living as a vampire. Flying over her hometown in the dark of night, she couldn't help comparing her conversion to a baseball game. Only in her case, it was: Three bites and you're out...of the whole human race.
There is a passage of time between these two paragraphs, you need to separate them somehow.
Life went on for her, but it was a lonely life. She didn't age, but watched as her family and friends get older, and older. She learned to explain her youthfulness by saying she had regular face-lifts. She knew she would have to move to another area soon--for her own protection. She couldn't keep up the pretense here much longer.

He landed on the wrought-iron porch railing and almost immediately, began to changed back to his human form.

I didn't realize how many vampires there were.

“Uh...no. I had no idea what was happening until I regained consciousness."

They all looked perfectly human but of course, they weren't human at all.

...“besides our usual banquet of enticing animals, we have several human delicacies tonight.

Cassie's mouth dropped open at this suggestion.

Once the animal was done with, Cassie took it back outside and let it go. Once they had collected blood from the animals, they released them.

Every time they started to fall asleep, the men were at them again. They set up all night and sleep during the day, why would they be falling asleep?



Final Thoughts
12
12
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "The Shades of Mars" 

Author: Prosperous Snow celebrating


My overall opinion: Your story was interesting and entertaining to read.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person limited to Ruth.

Characters:Ruth is the main character, her neighbor is in the last chapter of the novel. The characters are real and believable.

Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting and moves at a good, steady pace.

Dialogue: There isn't much dialogue, but it is believable.

Grammar/Punctuation: There are a few mistakes, but not many.

Line by Line:

"Well," she laughed, picking up her cell phone and going into the kitchen. "I may as well watch this." Part of her mind listed to the documentary as she popped some corn in the microwave and fixed herself a large glass of diet soda. Picking up her snack, she returned to the living room and sat down on the couch.

Out of the corner of her left eye, Ruth caught a movement. A tall lanky shadow passed through the living room wall and into the house from the outside. When she she looked in the direction of the shadow, it was gone. I know I saw someone enter this house (Use italics to separate her thought from the rest of the text.), she thought. picking up the remote control she turned off the television.She turned off the television and Next she reached for her cell phone, which she remembered laying on the couch beside her, but the phone was gone.

"Damn," she heard Flight of the Valkyries echoing from the kitchen. Getting up, she rushed into the kitchen and found her phone resting on top of her mother's antique wooden breadbox. Dialing her voice mail, she put in her security, and listened. "Wrong number," she mumbled as she erased the message, put the phone back on the breadbox, and returned to the living room. Sitting down on the couch, she turned the television back on and continued watching Shades of Mars.

"Doctor Jonas Know-Nothing," said the baritone voice of the narrator. "Believes that War of the Worlds, which Orson Wells supposedly broadcast over the radio on October 30, 1938, actually happened. He claims that instead of dying, the Martians were transformed into shades or ghosts that haunt Earth today. He says the government knows this, but has chosen to keep the American people and the rest of the world in the dark about the truth of the Martian Invasion of 1938." The narrator stops talking as a movie trailer about a recent version of War of the Worlds is shown.

"Dr. Know-Nothing claims," the narrator continued. "That certain people can detect these ghostly shapes out of the corner of their eyes. He says that these people are the only people who can save Earth from the Martians, who have already taken over the minds and bodies of politicians and government leaders all over the world. Dr. Know-Nothing says that the reason the world is on the brink of war today is because the Martians, in the guise of these world leaders, are trying to start a war that will destroy human kind from the face of the Earth." The narrator stops for a commercial break.

"Now folks," says the Shades of Mars narrator. "Those of you,(You don't need this comma.) who are able to detect the Martians may want to know how to get rid of them. Dr. Know-Nothing says that it's really easy because they become trapped in technology. They are especially fond of cell phones and become trapped in them." At that moment, Ruth heard her cell phone ringtone echo from the kitchen. Going into the kitchen, she saw the cell phone laying on top of the breadbox.

She placed the phone in the phone in the microwave, pressed five seconds, turned the microwave on, and dove for the floor.

Ruth woke several hours later laying in a hospital bed, with her neighbor Jackson Myrcroft sitting next to the bed reading the H.G. Wells novel War of the Worlds. "Uh..." she tried to speak.

"Well, Ruth" Jackson put down his novel. "I'm glad to see you survived." He took her hand. "The Fire Department declared both your microwave and cell phone dead when they removed them from your house."


Final Thoughts
13
13
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "The Epic of Akilios" 

Author: Blayne May


My overall opinion: Your story was very interesting. Akilios goes on a journey for knowledge but in the end learns that he had the knowledge within him. I think that your story could use a little more description and detail.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person limited to Akilios. There are no inconsistencies.

Characters: Akilios is the only character, other than a brief appearance from the goddess Athena. Akilios' character is real and believable.

Plot/Pace: The plot is interesting but the pace is too fast, there is no journey.

Dialogue: There isn't much dialogue but it is believable. You should separate the character's thoughts with italics instead of quotations.

Grammar/Punctuation: There are a few mistakes.

Line by Line:

Akilios drew his short sword and started chopping through the fronds. The insects buzzed all around him, pestering him. "So this is why no one wanted to come with me,” he thought as the sun blazed down upon him through a gap in the trees. This is a thought, not dialogue. You should consider separating his thoughts using italics instead.

Akilios, with his long, dark hair and short beard, was not considered a smart man, but rather powerful. He was considered the best Myrmidon leader since Achilles, for the leader of the Myrmidons he was. The Myrmidons, however, had all but died out. That was why Akilios was alone on this journey. The other Myrmidons had decided it was best for him to go alone into the jungle “to preserve the Myrmidons,” as they had put it. This paragraph doesn't flow very well and is a little robotic (there's not enough description or emotion). Also, if their goal is to preserve the race, why would they send their leader on this quest?

So here Akilios was, in the middle of the jungle, with insects still swarming down on him to feast on him, when he spotted what appeared to be the ruins of a temple. “Thank Zeus!” he cried, and he tore off into the entrance. I understand that this is a short story and that it will move at a faster pace and have fewer details than a longer one, but there is nothing leading to this point, no journey. Where was the challenge? He entered the fronds to find the temple, swatted at insects, and there was the temple before him. There needs to be more.

Inside the temple, it was as if the gloom of Hades himself had descended upon the forsaken place. Akilios took one step and heard a swoosh! sound. He ducked just in time. A volley of arrows passed in the air right where he had just been by, narrowly missing his head.

He walked a bit further. For some reason, several times Akilios thought he heard hooves stepping on the cold stone, along with snorting, but looking around, he saw nothing. (Hesitating, he walked further into the temple. Several times, Akilios thought he heard snorting and the sound of hooves on the cold stone of the temple floor, but when he turned there was nothing there.

Akilios got to the main room in the temple and stopped to rest. (Arriving at the main room of the temple, Akilios stopped to rest. He heard the hooves again, but louder and quicker in pace. He looked up to see a red-eyed Minotaur swing its enormous two-edged axe in Akilios’s his direction. The leader of the Myrmidons, fabled warrior, ducked and drew his sword. Swinging again, the bull-headed creature bellowed in rage. “If I get out of here alive, it will be a miracle,”(this is a thought, not dialogue. Akilios thought, as he parried another blow from the Minotaur. Again, he has arrived at the main room of the temple and in need of rest, but from what? Where is the journey?

Then he spotted it! A leather-bound book was sitting on a table in the middle of the room. It had to be the Book of Athena. Upon spying the legendary Book, Akilios knew exactly what he had to do to defeat the Minotaur. He feinted to his right, and then quickly lunged to the left. The huge monster swung in the wrong direction, and Akilios stabbed his short sword straight into the heart of the Minotaur. It fell to the ground and gave one last moan. The battle was over. This is a good, descriptive paragraph.

The room was completely silent. Akilios went to the book, knelt down, and gave thanks to Athena. Start a new paragraph here:Suddenly, an image of a woman in godly armor appeared right in from of him. With awe, he realized, “Athena herself is right in front of me!” that it was Athena herself. “Thank you, mighty Athena,” he said, still not believing his eyes, “for your wonderful Book that gave me the knowledge to defeat the Minotaur.”

Majestic Athena, goddess of wisdom and war, laughed and replied, “do not thank me, Akilios, for this is not my Book. It was destroyed long ago. You had the wisdom you desired all along.”

Akilios could only stare in amazement, and then he smiled. With a smile still on his face, he walked out of the temple and back to his faithful Myrmidons.


Final Thoughts
14
14
Review of Already His  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "Already His" 

Author: Piratess Dawniebelle


My overall opinion: Your story is interesting and I enjoyed reading it.

Point of View: The point of view is 3rd person.

Characters:The vampire and his victim. I think that you should give your characters names.

Plot/Pace:The plot is interesting and the story moves at a steady pace.

Dialogue: The dialogue is believable and consistent.

Grammar/Punctuation:There are a few mistakes.

Line by Line:

Her heart sank as she tugged useless on the heavy wooden door in front of her.

Terror struck her heart and turned her blood cold as when she heard it, the sound of nails clicking across the floor, slowly stalking her. The closer it got, the harder it was to breathe. Turning around, she faced her nightmare. A tall pale man He was tall and pale with blood red lips, jet black hair, sharp incisors and hypnotizing dark eyes thatevaluated her every move.slowly.

Her blood turned cold (This is a little repetitive, you used the same phrase in the previous paragraph.) when she saw the creature on the floor next to him. On all four legs, it had unruly gray hair and sharp blue eyes. The sheer size alone was frightening. It growled, a menacing sound, baring its teeth and causing her to jump and back away.

A wolf hound, she thought, frantically yanking on the door handle behind her, knowing it was hopeless.

“You can’t get away, so why try?” His deep and hushed voice told her (he asked in a deep, hushed voice.) “It’ll be so much easier on you if you just relax.”

At this, she started to shake relentlessly. Shaking her head hard, she slid down to the floor in shock. How could this be happening?

“Wolfbane,” he commanded, “go guard the window.”

The animal growled a response and clicked slowly over and lay down beneath it, on guard. Growling in response, the animal clicked over to the window and lay beneath it, on guard.

“Now, this won’t hurt a bit. That is ,of course, if you cooperate,” he told her wickedly and (he said in a menacing voice as he took a few more steps toward her. Kneeling down in front of her, he reached out to touch her and but pulled back instantly as she recoiled in fear. Sighing, he sat back on his heels thinking.

She won’t taste nearly as good if she’s as upset as this, he thought knowingly.

Her eyes popped upwidened in confusion as she felt phantom hands run through her hair. Shaking slightly, she looked bewilderedly from side to side. Nothing. The hands continued, one caressing her face, the other trailing to the nape of her neck. Despite herself, she relaxed at the caress.

She struggled to regain her previous terror as the phantom hand continued to caress her check (I think you mean neck). However, as she felt the sharp prick of his teeth biting into her, she knew he’d won. Giving in to the feeling of despair, she closed her eyes as lightheadedness took over.

She reached one of her hands up to the door handle knowing that she was too weak to run anyway. Pulling on it, she felt it turn and budge as she yanked weakly at it.

“I told you, my dear, that you couldn't escape.” He grinned and headed out into the night with Wolfbane at his side, leaving her lifeless body in a crumbled heap on the floor.



Final Thoughts
15
15
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi. I am Kimelia . I noticed you are celebrating your WDC anniversary - Congratulations. I hope you enjoy your special day! I really enjoyed reading your work and I hope that my review is helpful.This is only my opinion and whether you agree with my opinion is up to you. If you have any questions about my review, please contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

Title: "It Might Be Wise, Part 1" 

Chapter: Part 1

Author: Spence


My overall opinion:Your story is entertaining so far. I am definitely curious as to what will happen to Joe next, as well as how he really ended up in this situation to begin with. Aside from the chapter being long and moving a little slow, it is a very good beginning for your story.

Point of View:1st person from Joe's point of view.

Characters: The main character is Joe. The characters are real and believable.

Plot/Pace:The story is interesting but moves at a slow pace so far, this chapter is a little too long.

Dialogue:The dialogue is consistent and believable.

Grammar/Punctuation:There are a few mistakes, but not many.

Line by Line:

It Might Be Wise to Avoid Letting a Man Named Curtis Die in Your Car (Wise advice - lol)

We were both losing and were aimed quite for a large column supporting the bridge.

Life just did not seem exactly that usual. This sentence is a little confusing. I had to read the next sentence to understand what you were saying here.

And I reasoned that what with how things were heading at this point, this moment or so in my life would always seem surreal. I wasn't sure if 'what' was meant to be in this sentence or if it was a typo. I understand that in first person, grammar is sometimes overlooked if it is a part of the character's personality, but I wasn't sure about this so I marked it for you.

The steering wheel cranked left, the vinyl exterior squeaking slightly under the vicious pressure of my clenched fists, and the car began to pull out of the headlong dive towards the heavy concrete barrier ahead, rising in the form of a gray white pylon—like a massive column of dead fish, bloated and hateful—and not likely to move from my path; but alas, the tires gave way under the sideways pressure and lost their traction, which left my vehicle and me inside it helpless against the sudden loss of space between, and suddenly glass was spraying like blood from the windows and a metal frame began crunching like bones around the car and I knew that some serious pain was less than a second away. This is a very long sentence.

And then there was quite a blackness.

It made sense, really, but I was kind of hoping I would be able just to (to just) get up and walk away from this one.

Blood slicked hands made it into quite the endeavor. Eventually, the tension eased on my whining right hip, and the fat strip of safety slid up my chest like a glowing green blade does (glides) back into the little light saber handle after a Jedi turns it off.

Somehow, that translated into me being very nervous and a good bit skittish.

Based off that, I was pretty surprised to find that there were no empty beer cans in theback with me.

But today, instead of having a some random cute brunette walk up and talk to me (like that ever really happens anyways), I get to meet the dude.

(and here he completely ignored my gaped jawed and sullen glare of complete mystification),(.) “When is your birthday?”


Final Thoughts
16
16
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Hi! I am Kimelia and I really enjoyed reading your work. Following is a review of your work. Please note that this is only my opinion and whether you decide to take my advice is up to you. I hope that my review is helpful and if you have any questions or comments concerning my review, contact me. Thanks for sharing your work and allowing me the opportunity to read it.

Title: "The Orb: Hell on Earth for Unwanted Kids" 

Author: LateNightWriter

My overall opinion:Your chapter is very interesting. Your descriptions are vivid and I could easily picture the world that you have created. This is a great beginning to your story, I am anxious to know what happens next.

Point of View:For this chapter the point of view is 3rd person limited to Max.

Characters:The main character is Max Berger - young boy in a home for unwanted children. There is also the mysterious girl from his dreams, as well as the other children and adults in the home. So far the characters are real and well developed.

Plot/Pace:The plot is very interesting and seems to be moving at a good, steady pace so far.

Dialogue:There is very little dialogue in this chapter, but it is believable and consistent.

Grammar/Punctuation:I saw no major problems with grammar and punctuation. There are a few typos, but not many.

Line by Line:

If his dreams Shouldn't this be nightmares?didn't kill him, staying here much longer certainly would.

But then everything changed quickly.

He tried to hold her back, but off she ran, through the opening, quickly disappearing into the blackness. This sentence doesn't flow very well. You may want to revise it.

And that's when he always woke up.

"Oghnshnnn...no way...I'll hurt you back..." a kid nearby muttered in his sleep before rolling over and resuming his drooling almost immediately.

..., but he wasn't tired at all.

They passed out of sight, and the snoring resumed all at once, leaving Max shaken.

Moving slowly on shaky legs, Max made his way to the window.

In the distance, steel and glass skyscrapers in down town rose from the horizon like many-eyed monsters.

Limping toward the dumpster, he felt proud that he was somewhat of a monkey. It had saved his ass many times here before.

Shouts, sirens, and screams rang out from the streets and crumbling buildings all around. This should be two different sentences, it doesn't work together.

...danced lonely circles in a(the) breeze at the edge of Broadway Street. A black alley cat licked gore from its paws on top of a grease barrel. I think that the second sentence would work better if you reversed it: On top of a grease barrel, a black alley cat licked gore from its paws.

The silver full moon hung poised above a skyscraper, and Max turned his face up to it, never before having felt it as being so large, so close. This sentence doesn't flow well. Consider revising. Ex: Poised above a skyscraper, the full moon cast its silver light upon Max's upturned face. Never before had it felt so large, so close.

Mr. Braun said had told him that hope still existed, but Max felt sure that had been a kind lie.

...slipping...

...settled back into enjoying the aloneness (solitude)...

They flew closer, to about two hundred feet away,... In the previous paragraph they were 100 feet away, how could they move closer and be 200 feet away?

...wishing he could block it some how. Somehow is one word.

The girl got her sword in (blocked) it's path in time it to save herself, and she struck back...


FINAL THOUGHTS
17
17
Review of The Search  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Novel: "The Search" 

Author: brom21

Characters: The characters in the story are Euricle and his master, Sage Varius. The characters are believable, though more in depth description of them and their personalities would be nice.

Plot and Pace: The plot is consistent, with a steady pace. The young man and his master are discussing a journey they will soon be making in search of something that is not revealed to the readers.

Dialogue: The dialogue is realistic and flows well. However, you rely on 'he said' and other such phrases too often. It is not always necessary to follow dialogue with this, as long as the reader can differentiate between the speakers. This can be accomplished by describing their emotions and actions as well, and letting their personalities show in their dialogue.

Pov: The point of view is 3rd person. It is consistent throughout the story.

My overall opinion: This story is interesting, but seems incomplete. It would make a really good first chapter to a longer story. I would like to know more about the characters and what it is they seek.

Line by Line:

Outside in the light of a full moon atop a castle spire in Pyrithia , two men were looking up at the stars while sitting on stone chairs before a table. One man was old and dressed in a solid green cloak save the Pyrithian seal on his chest. The other a man was middle aged in simple servants tunic. You don't need the 'a' before ..man was middle...Also you need an 'a' in between 'simple' and 'servants'. This paragraph would be a good opportunity to give us more description about the characters, more details about their appearances. Also, you could give more details about their surroundings.



The younger man spoke up to his master across the table “Sage Varius, we should be able to reach it faster by going in the direction of Orion,” said the man I the servants attire. You need a period after table, where the dialogue begins. '..the man I the..' The I should be 'in' in this sentence.



“There’s no proof.”Euricle responded The period after proof needs to be a comma. You need a period after responded.

“People simply may have never come back to tell the tale,” spoke Varius as a matter of factly. This dialogue doesn't flow well as it is written. Also, the phrase 'as a matter of factly' doesn't really work here.


“Don’t apologize to me. Everyone in the kingdom of Pyrithia probably does not believe what they have never seen before. I do know for a fact that they exist though,” said Varius. Again, this dialogue does not flow well, it is too wordy.

“How can you?” said Euricle surprisingly.Said should be asked.

“I’ve seen one,” said Varius You need a period after Varius.

“You have! When?” said Euricle. Said should be asked here as well.

“You have been a close friend to me for over a decade. I’d love to tell you, but It’s a sworn sage secret, “ said Varius. Remove the space between the end of your dialogue and the quotation mark.

“I understand master,” his servant replied. “If we cannot go directly through the dividing forest plains, than will we sail around them by way of the cannal?”said Euricle. Than should be then. Said should be asked.

As I said before, this is a very interesting beginning for a story and would make a good first chapter for a longer story. Also, you need to show more emotion in the characters and their dialogue, it is almost robotic for the most part. I would really be interested in reading more of your story, it seems to be a very interesting one and although you need to add more detail, you have a good skeleton. Thanks for sharing your work. I hope my review is helpful.
18
18
Review of First 10 pages  
Review by Kimelia
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
"First 10 pages" 

{un:superindy}

Characters: We have two characters at this point, Colt Tagan and Dave. It is too soon to analyze them, but so far these are both believable and well developed characters.

Plot and Pace: So far, the plot is interesting and is moving at a good, steady pace.

Dialogue: The dialogue is consistent and believable.

PoV: 1st person. Remains consistent throughout the chapter.

My Overall Opinion: You have caught my attention with this chapter, which is a good thing. After all, that is the point of the first chapter. I am very curious as to where this story is going to take our characters. Do you have a title for your novel?

Line by Line:

Tagan had a funny way of walking. He walked as if watched at all times, as if an entire crew of camera men followed him, documenting his life. He loved people, but he never showed it.He used to say, if someone really inspired him
“You are worthy of songwriting!”

You need to rearrange the bold sentence. As it is, it sounds as if the words ‘if someone really inspired him’ should be part of the dialogue as well.

He said that to me a couple of times, but I only remember two of the times. The first time he told me was in my office. There was a big blackboard in front of my desk and Tagan would often scribble odd equations that made no sense at all on it. Sometimes he turned towards me, asking:

Did he only say this to you twice? I think this sentence could be more effective if you rephrased it.

Some people would probably have been convinced that he had written something advanced, but I was pretty sure it was gibberish.

He then put his headphones back on, erased the writing on the blackboard and started from scratch.

Headphones were not mentioned before this point, it seems a little random to say ‘he put his headphones back on’, maybe you should mention the fact that he is wearing them (and as they are mentioned again later, I am assuming that he wears them all the time) earlier in the chapter.

Tagan annoyed me at times to be honest. He was in my office all the time and it bothered some of my co-workers. He had a real job to do at the institute, but he was unreachable when he wasn’t in my office. As the janitor of the place, it was his job was to keep the premises clean. When he polished the floors with the enormous orange floor-buffer, Mick Jagger screamed into his ears through his headphones. He came in earlier than me, so I often met him in the hallways, but when he was the janitor, he’d only greet me with his eyes or sometimes not at all. I’d tap his shoulder, but he’d just reply with:

You begin the paragraph with ‘Tagan annoyed me at times’ and then go on to say how he bothered the co-workers, rather than Dave. Maybe you can say: It often annoyed my co-workers that Tagan was in my office all the time. He had a real…
What is it that annoys Dave? Is it the fact that Tagan is in his office, or because he treats him different when he is the janitor? Or both? You should clarify that as well.

“’The hell have you been doing in here?”

Do you mean ‘What the hell…?’

He looked at me as though the answer was completely obvious. Then back at the blackboard, and then back at me.

You shouldn’t begin your sentence with then.

‘uncomplete,’ was the only word running in my head, and that annoyed me too.

Capitalize uncomplete and you don’t need the comma after it.

“Right,” I said, sitting down at my desk, disappearing behind my glasses, the sound of clacking chalk continuing all around me. After an hour or so, he would typically say:

There are too many commas in this sentence, it doesn’t flow well this way.

He probably even couldn’t spell it

Suggestion: I doubt that he could even spell it. (Just a suggestion, although I think it would flow better to say ‘couldn’t even’ instead of ‘even couldn’t.)

I threw away the rest of the uneaten apple.

To say, ‘the rest of the uneaten apple’ is a little repetitive.

He seemed satisfied, and none of us noticed the typo at first.

It would sound better to see ‘neither of us’, rather than ‘none of us.’

They were in two different colors

You don’t need the word ‘in’ in this sentence.

This is only my opinion, but I hope it is helpful. I understand that since you are doing the story in first person, that some grammar rules do not necessarily apply, since it reflects the character of the narrator. I really enjoyed reading your story, even though it is not what I would typically choose to read. It is very interesting, and I have no clue where it is going from this point. I am a little curious to find out. Also, does your story have a title yet?
19
19
Review by Kimelia
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello. I am new to the site and have no experience in writing reviews (the only review I remember writing was in my high school English class and that has been a little over 10 years, lol). That being said, I would like to offer some advice and I hope that I can be helpful. Like yourself, I recently finsihed my first novel. I am still learning most of this myself but I will do my best to help. I have not developed a specific format and I will probably miss many things that others might catch so forgive me if my review is a little 'rough'. Maybe I need someone to review my review, haha!

First of all I would like to say that I really liked the names that you chose for your characters, sometimes that alone can be difficult! I enjoyed reading your story and seems to be very interesting, I love dragons.

One of the biggest issues for me was that there is too much dialogue. It's not that you need to leave out the dialogue, but you need to seperate it. You need to describe the scene in a little more detail. Something I have learned recently from researching is that the main focus in fiction writing, especially in the fantasy genre, is that you need to "show don't tell." Rather than telling the reader how a character feels, show them. Make them feel the emotions with your characters. Also, you need paragraphs to provide some separation and to make the story flow better.

I do not know all of the rules concerning the technical issues of writing but I will try to offer some advice here as well. In the beginning of the scene with the sentence "She ran towards the twelve year old girl..." you do not need a comma before the word as. Also it would be better to omit 'a mile away' from the sentence completely. If you want to convey the distance do so in another sentence and remember to "show don't tell."

I am confused by one scene. My confusion could be caused by the fact that I haven't read the rest of your story, so forgive me if I am wrong. Elagaen is a dragon- does he speak out loud or do the characters hear his voice in their minds? Also, who can hear him? Can everyone hear him? During the exchange that begins with "Ledar's laughing at me right now...." who is Ledar and where is Ledar in this scene? How is this relevant? Also Lesina asks a question (is she referring to the dragon's knees?) and Alasar answers her. Why doesn't Elagaen answer? Is it because she can't hear him? Also, at the beginning of this exchange when the dragon's "knees locked up" you should omit the word up. Maybe even consider rephrasing this sentence.

In the scene where the soldiers drag them from the house, the word 'up' is overused. I think that it would be best to omit the word entirely. Try rephrasing the sentences, instead of saying "tied up" maybe you could say something similar to "bound his feet and hands" or something similar to that.

You place a comma before the word and in most of your sentences. I don't think that this is necessary. You may want to look up the rules for when it is necessary but I believe that in most sentences, you don't need it. They would flow better without it.

In the end when Lesina is shot with an arrow, you need to "show" how Alasar is distraught. Don't just tell the readers, describe the scene more and use strong emotions to make them feel it.

The last paragraph concerning Kara needs to be longer. You need to "show don't tell" here as well. Elaborate on the loss, emptiness, loneliness, etc that she is feeling so that we can experience it as well. Also, I feel that the scene would be more dramatic if you left out "five miles away." Begin the scene with "Kara fell to the floor, her mind reeling from the shock..." (also, omit the word 'suddenly'). After lenghtening this paragraph, I think that you should start a new paragraph with the sentence "She didn't hear..."

I also feel that the ending may be more dramatic (and suspensful if that is what you are going for) if you left out the sentence "Lesina's sword..." and let the previous sentence "She didn't hear...." stand alone as the end of the story. However, if the sentence about Lesina's sword remaining in the earth for 200 years is essential to the story and you need to leave it, maybe you could elaborate more on its significance or seperate it from the rest of the paragraph.

I hope that my review is helpful and that I did not offend you in any way. I am always very hesitant to do this sort of thing because I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings. I really enjoyed reading your work and look forward to seeing more of it. Thanks for sharing!
19 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kimelia