This piece is gripping and very sad. I usually like a light at the end of the tunnel but some stories are tragedies and that has to be. I did notice a few typos which follow: He rocked slowly and thought back on all the dreams hea had hung Should be 'dreams he had'
He would finally have enough money to pay of the farm Should be 'pay off the farm'
which were more rock that dirt, Should be 'rock than dirt'
He got up from the old rocking chait Should be 'rocking chair'
The only furniture left was his old ratty armchair that he had bought at a flea market when they first moved in. He remembered clearly, when he and his wife had first moved in, In these sentences you repeat 'first moved in' and should be reworded.
You did a great job with this and you have a good command of vocabulary. Kitty
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Hello, you have asked me to take a look at your items. I am happy to do that. Please know that I am only a writer just like you and I review so that others will return the favor and that way we all can learn.
Also, these are only my opinions which in the long run mean nothing. If something I comment on gives you an idea to make a change then fine. And if not then that is fine as well.
This piece is classified as a short story and it is very short. Speaking as a reader, there was not very much to base a feeling on. This might be better classified as prose. I only say this because in a short story the reader should be given some time to get acquainted with the main character. We were not given his name, how long he suffered, why he might have thought of the world as a 'paper world' other than he is detached quickly. It is obvious that you can write. For me the piece could be made better and I am sure you have the skill to do it.
In your forth line I believe this should say "put on an empty smile". In your intro you ask if God is the only true relation in the world. However, I did not find in the piece anything that addressed the question.
It might help for you to put yourself in the readers shoes. You know what you wrote and why, but what basis does the reader have to come to the same conclusion. I have done the very same thing. We assume that the reader will know exactly what we are trying to say when in fact we have not given enough information for out reader to have a feeling or come to a conclusion. We have nothing personally invested in the characters. It is our job to define them in a way that draws our reader in, makes them connect with them so that if this or that happens they naturally have an emotional reaction. Because we know the character.
Your poem has a different twist but it is still very good. I like to read Haiku but have never had to write one. I found it the hardest part of the challenge. I can appreciate the insight it requires to write a good Haiku. I hope you do well in the competition.
Very good. I liked the way your phrasing flows from one line to the next. That is something I was not able to achieve and yours seems so effortless. The message is an uplifting one and a truism as well. You always say your muse needs to help you but actually you are doing fine without her. Great job.
I can appreciate this piece. I had never written one of these before and I know how hard it is. I think this a natural piece. You obey the rules without letting us think there are any. Instead of the form be are only aware of the story. That is what the goal is and it is darn hard to do. Very good.
This is a happy repast. I enjoyed reading it very much. I am very new to this form and it took some time for me to figure out the sequence and count. I don't know all the rules so I am not sure if your syllable count is a little off or not. The form they posted was that it would be 8 or 10 syllables each line. When I looked up some other poetry sites to see their take on the rondel It was said that once you decide on the number of syllables in a line then each line needed to be that many syllables. I am unclear if that is also the rule in this prompt so I could be wrong it could be that you can have 8 to 10 in each line. It might be something for you to check before the judging. Other than that I liked this very much.
Very interesting. This form of poem was new to me and it is cool to see how others define it. You focused on the flowers in the picture. As a avid gardener I can relate to that view. We can get so much pleasure from growing things. My garden and flowers are a constant source of calm and well being. I applaud your entry.
Very nice, I had not tried this form before so I am probably not a great judge but I like this. Mine was also on the love slant so I guess we saw the picture in a similar way. Your poem is refined and smooth. I learn from reading others efforts and I have learned from yours.
I wish my first effort had been this good. I think you have a lot to say and you have a very good command of the written word. It is a compelling poem, one that requires several reads before the meaning is clear. Most good poetry is that way. A meaning hidden behind the blunt words.
Now if this is your first poem, I am not sure if this is your first time to offer your work for critique, please be aware that we are all on this site so that we can improve. Everyone who reads your items will have a different view. Some things will be technical and easy to fix and many things will be a person opinion. So it will be your choice as to what things you use to make improvements and what not.
Writing is more than just putting it down and being done with it. It is also reevaluating it, rewording it, rethinking it, respelling it and regurgitating it to. So please do not take offense at any opinion you get on this site including mine.
First I want to say that I am not an expert on poems. That is not my field. So if I critique a poem it will be purely on the flow and how it feels to me. Which in a way can be valuable as well since you want your writing to appeal to a wide variety of people, even people like me.
The first part establishes a cadence. Then the second part begins to stray from that. By the third part you seem to change the rules you began at the beginning of rhyme and cadence. So my only critique is that the flow get interrupted by the break in the cadence and rhyme you set at the beginning. At least for me, when flow gets jerked then I have trouble focusing on the meaning of the words and trying to figure out if I have misread the sentence.
If this was your intent then that is fine. If it was not your intent then a good way to fix it would be to decide if you want this to read more like prose as in the third part or to rhyme like the first and then revamp the rest to help the flow.
Other than my opinion of this I thought that this was a very good job and far better than my first poem. Kitty
Hi, hope I am not posting on the wrong thing. I was not around much last week because of spraining my ankle on one leg and breaking my toe on the other. I have been able to accomplish a rewrite of Lynn McKay Chapter 1 "Lynn McKay Ch 1 " Plus I separated Chapter 1 and 2 and rewrote Chapter 2 as well "Invalid Item" Since I just separated 1 and 2, Chapter 2 has no reviews and ratings of it's own. Please feel free to comment. Thanks Kitty
You have very good pictorial words. Very visual prose. I did get a little lost in the middle of the poem though. I can tell that you have very intense emotion in this piece and it is brimming with far reaching ideas. It might take several reads to finally get the meaning but then all the great poets were the same. Good job! Kitty
Excellent poem. Although it leaves us to decide if you are happy or sad about being blinded by love. So I suppose it could be both, whatever it is for us and therefore your words make complete sense and apply to any who have loved and lost or loved and won. It makes us think, which is what good writing is supposed to do. Otherwise why say anything. Great piece!
Wow, talk about schizophrenia. Actually, I am able to relate to this. I am an entertainer in Branson and I have had the pleasure of meeting several ventriloquists in some of the shows here. They are very talented. However, they must immerse themselves into their character(s) to such a point that it becomes completely real to all. This prose shows the dilemma that could possible occur if one were to so completely master a second personality that the lines become blurred. Well Done!
Very interesting concept. Well thought out and put together. There is an underlying conflict here and a stubbornness to change intimated within. The writer seems to know who they are in all their aspects, but seems to have encountered pressure to change in some way that the writer believes is out of character for them.
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This is excellent in its use of words. Because I am an optimist it is hard to read something that has no light at the end of the tunnel. However, this is one of the better ones I have read. This must have indeed been a black period in your life. I am no stranger to that as well so I can feel every word as truth. Good job!! Kitty
Very unusual piece. It speaks of the choices we all must make between being ourselves and what someone we wish to please wants us to be. The battle is ongoing and difficult and is sometimes lost. Once lost then it is easier to lose again and again. That is where the danger lay. The more we lose this battle the less we are to fight to win. Those who win may have regrets but they are living for themselves. Those who lose never really know who they are.
I enjoyed the piece very much.
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