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64 Public Reviews Given
66 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Mariposa  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Niki,

This is a lovely short story and yet so much more! Your authentic and knowledgable description and imagery of what depression really does to a soul was Brilliant!

I felt like I was a part of the character, I was up and down with her. That is what a story should do to a reader so again Bravo!

Then the twist, really, I saw the sign would come somehow, good foreshadoing but the end.
Mariposa meaning Butterfly! It wrapped everything up and I am still seeing this story in my mind's eye. Musing over it all!

Awersome job, I KNOW you will keep writing! You bettter! *Wink*
Blessings!
2
2
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ruble!
Morning and I decided to come here and see what you had for me to review!!! *Wink*

This is a fasincating short, of non-fiction to some and fiction to others and WOW, that is very masterful!
What could have come off as preachy, instead became a suggestion to ponder more closely what we label and how we view and react to Life's Journeys!

There were only two small areas that I wanted to point out.
Here: 'What of useless suffering. What of the trodden down.'
I would put '? marks' at the end of each question. Gives it more POW and also is a technically the correct thing! LOL

Second, the very end paragraph, I read it three times as each time I get what you are saying and yet saw different POV's. Now this is just my opinion of course but a tad tweaking might make it clearer. Or enigmatic, if that is what you want, leave it be!! *Wink*

My favorite passage was HERE:
'the science that we have learned and validated through the physical laws given to us by the observations of Gods' creations is but a drop in the bucket compared to what we are ignorant of.'

That whole paragraph made me smile so wide as you nailed a universal truth and a message that more should hear!!!! *Wink*
Bravo, great read and keep shining!!
Blessings!
3
3
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Lisa A!

I loved this poem for many reasons but the one that blew me away was that it bridges all ages, genders and culures! I can see a children's bookin this poem! That is brilliant and yet I can feel the ease of your writing, as it flowed out from your mind onto the page and that is also a major plus!!!

Your overall flow, structure and rhyming schematics were strong, this was an easy read in that it propelled me as the reader forward with each line. I also think your narrative voice and tone were dead on. You kept the sensory and inagery in a place of thought and it really worked! Major Brava Senior!

Now there were a few areas that you might tweak to really make this a 5.0 or better. *Wink* I found a few lines that just seemed to break the flow, one I really am not sure exactly what you were saying or implying; and one that you changed a verb tense in order to rhyme and I KNOW you can DO BETTER!!! *Wink*

OK...the one that confused me:
'Where I’m from people don’t get sad better yet depressed'
I can get the main message but it does not flow right. I am sure you know exactly what phrase or word shift you want to use so roll that around!

The second was a flow issue: too long and made me stop for a sec. No no. LOL!!!
'Parents are always right and a house just isn’t a house it’s a home.'
Now I love everything except the awkward phrase, 'jus't isn't a house,' and yet it works. Just weaker and maybe you can see a small thing to give it that punch and clarity so prevalent in this poem.

The last: Never change a verb tense and to do it to fit a rhyme, well, come on girl. You can find the same line but with the flair and talent so natural to you!!!
'...was there something I could have did'
Hmmm... did??? *Wink*

These last lines were MASTERY embodied!!! Perfect ending, beautiful personal powerful finish!
'Where I’m from no, stop, and don’t are words you never have to repeat
Somehow the grass manages to stay green on both sides of the street.'

WOW!
Shne on and Write on!!!
Blessings!
4
4
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Restless One!!!'

I think the main beauty and strength of this poem is in its enigmatic message and the imagery that supports it.
Also, I LOVE that you took a leap using words and phrases that may seem 'foreign' to some, but you made it work and it all turned out brilliantly!!!

The overall flow and rhythm is very good with only one stanza that made me pause and re-read and then go back start over and see why it made me stop and ponder why it just hit me 'wrong.'
Please know this, always in my reviews I state my POV and not what I think you should ever do! Little ryhme there...LOL

Now here is the stanza that carries the theme and message but the flow and rythm you established seems to wane, yet is back fully in the next quatrain..

"He waltzes alone,
Far-gone his reality.
My words fail to break through,
And recoil with sympathy."

If you read all the others they have a similar cohesiveness of poetic form and structure. This one breaks from it and seems more free form. I just think a little tweaking would make this a strong 5!

And the one phrase change suggestion I can give is this...
'But aim far removed'
I think 'aim' is too vague, personally I felt the poem conveyed, 'Action far removed,' which fits the stanza as the last line implies that nothing moves forward, therefore nothing is won!

That is all I could find to point out for you to look over and then decide what you want to do.. free will...LOL :)

I LOVE the end stanza, it is so beautiful, heart -wrenching and one of the better wrap ups of a poem I have read...
Blessings!
Kelly
5
5
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (4.5)
Alio!
This is a beautiful poem. And I think the mix of her worry with the gift right above her she cannot face is brilliant. It weaves a message of how we often forget to look up in Life and see things are not so bad after all! Beauty and Love is always wanting to uplift us. The pace, flow, rythmn and overall structure is very solid!

There were only two things I wanted to point out. The first is only a typo, easy fiix!!!Here, "You say you're afraid of getting pass-byed,"
I think you mean to say, the correct wording, 'passed-bye.' If not I highly suggest the fix as otherwise it stops the flow and you never want the reader to pause over a typo like this :)

Then this line..."And the Gods are just happy you could make it,"
I think it is awkward and so unlike the rest of this radiant poem. Just ponder what you want to convey and I am sure you will chose better wording that says the same thing!!!
Great Job, keep SHINING!!!
Kelly
6
6
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Lisa,

Wow. I actually have a short story that I am developing on here that has the same theme as your poem.

I found this to be highly and painfully effective. Your beginning use of imagery and the human senses are perfect. It sets up the horror of this poem in a way that helps the reader to set themselves somewhat at a distance yet you also do not let the reader turn away. For many this may be too much. But I think it is a well written, well expressed poem that sends a meassage that is often so taboo.

It needs to not be so. Personally, I find that people need a match under their arse in these types of topics. They need to wake up in other words.
Saying that I think putting this in poetic form is a clever way to give abuse situations a voice.

I think people will read a poem easier than an AP headline. :)

Now overall the flow and structure of each stanza was tight. The rhyming scheme was not forced and so it was a fast and easy read. Yet one that haunts the reader. I may have read it right on through; no break in flow; but like a ghost...it is in me now. Good Job Indeed!!!!

I wondered after the second read if others would make it through and I say YES! The way you craft it sucks the reader in and before we know it, bam, you are there. The narrator is in our psyche and that is exactly what you intended, no? :)

The only thing I might do is trim or cut these two stanzas. I am wary to suggest really getting rid of them, but when I read it without them I found the same message was intact. Maybe even stronger. As these two were a tad redundant. You deliver this with such power and clarity; this is my only suggestion...

"Then, behind and below
a body that's me, in a dark hole of woe,
whimpers and cries
as the demon shreds, with the wildest of eyes.

Can ever I leave this dark place?
I hold my hands over my face.
When I see once more,
the demon at the door
hisses my name,
this beast, this shadow, this shame."

Maybe just read it without these two and see what it feels like to you. Even maybe two different stanzas that say the same type of thing but with maybe a more dissociative POV..
I do not know. Just the only area I thought was a tad too much :)
Overall though I give you a 5; 4.5 with the two stanzas in there, but a five overall because I am still intertwined mentally with your narrator!!!
Blessings,
Kelly
7
7
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Jerry,
There are times when I click on a sponsered item and am pleased I did. Then there are times when I feel God clicked on it for me.

This is one of those times. Recently I have been struggling with the pain of long time solitude. Partially chosen and paritally just one of those things life throws at you.

Reading this biographical account did may things for me. First and foremost it got me out of my head and reaffirmed to always walk the High road. To remain a light bearer in a world where darkness seems to pften have the upper hand.
Secondly I was immersed and in tears by the time I made it to the photos. This emotion you have drawn out of me is hard to describe. It is the emotion only a soul can speak of.

I want to comment some on the writing. I find the stark reality of it infused with the snipet of dialogue and the circle of life and death woven throughout to be very well crafted I also feel it came out realitively easy and not editied and I applaude you for that.
If you had tried to flower it up or go to far into a philiosophical tone and voice, it would not have been so powerful!

You, your essence, leapt into me the reader. I felt a part of your family. Like you were walking me through this as if we were ghosts looking at your life. This was both real and surreal and I have not encountered it before. It speaks of your mastery as a writer. That your confidence in what you have to say and how you say it, speaks loudly and walks softly.

I am impressed how you relaetd stories of tragedies with an objective stance and an emotional one. You stayed clear and strong. It was the way you went just far enough into the tragedy without it being too hard to take and then leaving each story with a message of hope. Brilliant.
The one that pulled on me was your daughter's story of giving brith knowing the child had not survived. These lines, "The courage she displayed while she endured life's most intense pain physically, combined with the worst of emotional pain - grief in knowing the child was not alive - and the severe mental anguish defies human comprehension." Amazing.

I will say one thing that I feel you should not cut but with your gift wrap it into the story of your mother and not stand it alone as it was the only area I felt your voice go away and a reporter come in. It made me pause and wonder. Here, "Only now, it seems the majority of Americans have accepted the theory that cancer is caused, at least in part, by the environmental irresponsibility of mankind."
This paragraph, I cannot say how you should do it, but meld it in. Let it be your voice and a part of your Mother's story, standing alone it felt like you let a bit of anger slip in.
It is understandable. I would have told this tale with many diatribes all scattered in. So I am not saying you made any mistake. Keep it but the flow broke and this is a strong memoir. I believe you say and SHOW all the frustration at this world and the atrocities without ever having to report "the news story" behind it. :)You do this by narrating the medical situations that twice failed you and your family so well. I inferred and also identified with you and today's health system, subtly hinting at the true deal...

What happened to Amercia that we suffer and yet have billions to give to countries we actually are at War with!?
See I just almost went off on a tangent.

You really uplifted me, made me ready to scrap with the "man", lol...and you let me see your family two ways.
The words, amazing. THE PICTURES. Man you have the most beautiful children. I mean really. I was taken aback at the light that shone from each. And each different. The pictures made your words a reality I needed to see.

You already are a Noble Patriarch. I know you not, but I am certain God does; so tonight when I thank you and "Him" for reading this, leading me here...know you are in my prayers. Even the strongest need that, but it is a gratitiude thing now. You helped me. If nothing else I hope you realize how imspiring this work is. I also hope you are writing a memoir novel. You have so much to offer this world.

Oh, and the F5 and your Father...that is a story all it's own. I felt I was there. In the terror and wind. And I laughed at the image of him with nails in his flesh yet looking upon his family with relief. Amazing Amazing, and did I say AMAZING!
Ok, I better shut up.
THANK YOU! I am noting you and your family members portfolios. treasures await!
Blessings,
Kelly
8
8
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello,

I did a random poetry search and chose you. Poor you right? :)

Now, I will say that this poem is very complex and in that lies its beauty and its bane. I have reread it three times and it seems like two in one to me personally. I absolutley love the opening and the ending which tie in together well. This addiction, left a bit enigmatic sure, but suggests that alcohol and caffeine are what this narrator overuses to medicate a life of confusion.
Yet this "confusion" also has a balance in the lines near the end where you show, and show well indeed, that this person is not at all alone. And if they are it is by choice.

The addiction theme is perfect because of what I just said. If they choose to be alone!! So authentic.

I read the preamble and I feel again that this is a two poem wrapped into one, an overstuffed enchilada. Oh please do not think I hated this. I gave it a 3.5 only because I was honestly confused when you hit the "lair" imagery.

I am not sure what this meant. This is a teacher of music, yes? And is part of that passage a metaphorical sense that the narrator feels like an instrument? A violin is what I picked up. But the thumb tack reference, the thousand whips, and the scattered nature of imagery in these areas left me stuck too long trying to glean what I thought it all meant.
I suggest clarity here and less abstract imagery maybe? In a poem, you do not want the reader stuck, flow is so important.
In other areas your flow is PERFECT, so I know you have that gift!! :)

Now just a few little points...
This line,"I watched after the little brown blob like it carried something precious" I loved the opening but was confused if the brown blob was a tear or a drop of coffee? Hmmm...

And in poetry I was told to watch overused and unneeded words like this, "But I can hold my liquor and my sorrows certainly can’t." If you cut, "But" and "Certainly" it is so much stronger and takes nothing away :)
One other example watch the word "and." I was schooled hard against this word as an opening. In fiction and poetry. And it helped my work overall.

I think you have a gift for prose and that is my final suggestion. Lengthen this? Make it more prose and you can encompass all of this with mastery. I really see a great tale and a narrative emotive pose that wants to speak more. Let the poem have its way :)

I will read more when I can. I love poetry. And I love those who push the envelope. You did that. You intirgued me. If I hated it I would have moved on.

The fact I am so ling winded is a hint...I like :)
Blessings,
Kelly
9
9
Review of Prophecy  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello,

I think this poem is very good. I think your strongest ponts lie in the tight structure and the flow is very good. I however thought imagery could be used better.
You set it up very well, the candles, the number of them, the mirror and the weather all work together to paint a solemn and foreboding tone.
I wondered if you showed more using the senses. What colors were these candles? How did it smell, the thunderstorm perhaps and its mixtures of fire and water blowing into the room. And even one stanza letting the reader see this "evil to come."
What I am saying, and this subject matter is actually a very real thing in my life, is that I wanted this to round out more.
It is an emotionally charged poem that does not give the emotion. I think it deserves a powerful narrative voice.
I liked the image of the velevet cape. But adding how her hair, or temperature change, or even color again of this velevet would be an example of fleshing this out in my opinion, would really kick up the volume so to speak. <grin>
I almost gave it a 3.5, however the flow, structure and message was carried almost perfectly :)
I really believe this poem wants to say more, show more and be more :) If you revise, send me an email? :)
Blessings,
Kelly
10
10
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hello :)
You gave me a review on Simply Jate, thank you...
Now, I want to give you an overall feel that I got from this story. First, I wondered about the vacillation bewteen the narrator's experience and the input of the science. I truly think this could work and should be kept, but it was the way you took it out of the narrator's POV and I felt another narrator was speaking. In a first person voice and POV, I would consider trying to revise so it flows better by not having the medical information at the beginning, but throughout the piece and intergrated with this narrator's experience. Or...you could have scenes where he is speaking, dialogue usage, with a physician.
Ok, somethings to look at..."MS"...I would first sate this in its unabbreviated form. That would set up the story, then you can go to MS. This also would eliminate the paragraph excerpt from an outside source which makes the piece sound technical. You establish a strong voice and narrator who can show and talk to the reader about all of that, as you did in the middle.
Now this line is an example of where certain areas you go a tad overboard, "The problem that brought me to that point was tingling and numbness is my lower legs and feet." You might omit some things where phrases use the same word to much..that...that...
See if you show us the narrator by stating in present voice what he notciewd first, the tingling etc. in a shorter way or use more imagery to show how he notived it the flow would improve.
And here, "so I HAVE to have..." have and have and the capitilizing, a teacher of mine once said is redundant and that polished work for publication should not read like a chat session..lol, she gave us a list of no-no words, she is a published novelist 5 times and counting, but so, and but, and lots of opening things are unecessary...I had to learn that so I am not saying you are unique, we all do this :)
This is wonderful... "I have to hunt and peck with one hand because the other hand usually doesn't listen to directions." I see that you have great ability to phrase well and strengthen the POV and flow and voice by using experience in a direct, yet, revealing way that does engage the reader :)
"At other times,Sometimes" again the no-no's
WONDERFUL AGAIN..."but it wasn't her or the bed that I had a problem with, it was the fact that I couldn't make the bed myself." See look how with a real image of an event you show and do not tell and it works brilliantly.
And the final line and thought was great, "That scares me and makes me question what it is that is with WNY that created this fact." I would love to see the narrator in further quests to know why this is, maybe through it he will make an impact in the resarch of MS by his insights shared to a group what have you.
Overall, I believe with revision and sticking to a fiction POV and voice, this has great potential and is moving and powerful and valuable to all people those with MS and those without :)
Blessings,
Kelly
11
11
Review of WE WILL WALK  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Fantastic,

lately through just using my instinct on what to pick to review, as you are on my list because if someone reviews my work I return in kind. You got a five for one main reason. This is perfect, in message, in clarity and because it is something that uplifts in a simple, structured way that is a unigue voice. I often tell many poets to fill out their work if it is too shot and too stark with imagery or to show more to gain the reader's attention and let them feel connceted. You did this is a short poem that yet used a realistic flow of imagery through using sight, one of the five senses to empower the work and show us the characters, and narrator, doing something and at the same time it tells the reader why they are doing it. I cannot think of anything to be changed. It should be submitted to some type of magazine, even like a college free print, anywhere it can reach people. I am always searching for people who in this chaotic world have the vision you spoke out for in this poem.
If more could think this way, if we could find each other, LIGHT BEARERS, well things can be better. I believe this world has to be in turmoil but the HOPE is still there and such joys and beauty and Miracles are all around us and you are a messenger for me personally today that affirms my belief that the Sleepers have awakened and I am not alone in this type of Quest :) :)
Awesome! Keep writing and find your way to send it out to the world, sure some money could come your way, but you understand the true bounty received from art like this, that no amount of material riches can match nor bring fulfillment, as the bounty given to the one who sends out strength and LOVE..wonderful ripple here...*Wink*
Blessings,
Kelly
12
12
Review of Tree Fairies  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jill,
First off I was suprised to find this under poetry, because I found it to be an enchanting and original work of short fiction. No biggie.
Now first some suggestions...watch verb tense, you shift among a present voice to past...this was more evident in the beginning and when you hit your stride I noticed you corrected this, but I just wanted to say it because I struggled with that and it helped when I cuaght on to the "error."
Now I will give two examples where I KNOW you have a more eloguent and revealing way to phrase something that at times took away the magic but it is easily fixed as you have the imagination and inspriation and mastery to be more original and fill the phrase out so it brings more emotion and color to this mystic work..."This was all right for them" and, "But not with as much energy as normal"
I was given a list of words to avoid as she put it, and she has published five novels thus far, "BUT!" Vary this, like...however, instead...a thesaurus is a valuable little guide and helps me when I see a word I use so often that it lets my work down.
Now the paragraph that started with,"This guard watched this small family sleep..." WOW, you hit your stride, the POV, the voice the imagery and flow was top notch and I felt the strength of this work grow and bloom.
Now, I liked the use of small repetitively when it came to the family, but here, "He asked all the small questions, and at first the small family..." I did not feel small was good enough for the King to be represented by, nor that any Questions he might ask would be "small", again look for what you really want to convey, I felt the sense that these first questions were a probe but not at all small...more like he was gentle to begin but his questions contained strength and small betrays that :)
"Well, that dog pee'd on our tree and flooded our home..." WOW WOW WOW.
Excellent ending, and unexpected.. I laughed out loud like the King wanted to, not at them but because of that wisdom in them and it showed both a subtle patience and faith I did not see in them until this point and it works! WOW it works! And I liked the "dog",in a fairy tale, as I love this subject matter. I felt the dog really was a mortal with no repsect and no eyes to see where he/she was or what they were "defiling!"
So if this was not intended then it was inspired by your muse and others may not think this, but I believe it and it gave the ending even more of a solidification of why they refused to return to the "home" and was willing to let them wane rather that pollute themsleves.
I gave you a 4 only because it needs polish, but for originality and message it is a five :)
Blessing,
Kelly
13
13
Review of Conquered  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lora,
I was drawn to your portfolio by a random Poetry search, and wow, are you my sister they accidently gave to another family?
LOL, I have been right where you are, and the emotion and the structure that spoke to me was fantastic. I found your use of rhyming to be well thought out and authentic and not at all forced, cliche or felt any sense of you just trying to make it rhyme. That is a gift indeed. I really think it was strong in its chronolgical set up, the way you let the reader in, and they can connect and even if they have never experienced such sorrow, I think anyone can relate and it might even open eyes to realizing they are blessed to not have been in this position. And that is what I find in my own poetry's muse...I want to give a message, hopeful or sorrowful, I always hope whoever reads it and connects in anyway, can come away with something that may help them or lead them to help another..you get it.
I found no problem with the work. The imagery was clear, not abstract and that solidified the narrator's voice and made me feel she was brave to speak of it.
And I wait for my Knight, and met many who look so shining and then, damn, they are just takers even if it was unintentional.
I was moved and hope you never give up and don't fortify the "walls" so strong that you become imprisoned ;)
Thank you!!!!!
14
14
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: E | (3.0)
Alyssa,
I read this yesterday and wrote the review and my cat jumped on the keyboard and it went POOF:) So here I go again..
Ok, on first read I wanted to point out that if you use a WORD program to clean up spelling and grammer errors, this is a minor thing but important if you want to present your work for publication, editors and agencies loook down on work that is not polished and they see spelling typos and mistakes in word choices, as a first sign of not ready. A friend of mone who is an accomplished author gave me that advice as step one. I realize that English is possibly a "second" languaga to you, but you choose it so cleaning it up is prioity one, but not a big issue..two exapmles that broke the flow.. "I sat on a small stool as my brothers and uncle’s set up the ten" Here you mean tent, but see how a reader might pause here? Secondly, this verb mix up.."I slowly began to wonder among the other booths" At first I wondered if this wasn't a mistake but you follow up with the verb wonder in the right context so I get that you meant wander...
Ok, the second point and again a teacher advised a fellow class mate of mine that was writing a cultural Vietnamese story, in English but inserting the Vietnamese language here and ther and putting the english eqivalent in (). The advice was stick to the language the piece is centered on. So like in this choice of your, " “Che e’ andato male (What went wrong)?”; I would follow that advice...however I must say you ending, using the Italian is such a way that we marvel at the beauty of the phrase and then are let into whta it means works WONDERFULLY and would not change that at all as it gives the flavor of her culture, but as an illumination and not a break in structure of the overall story.
Lastly, I thought the jump to old age was abrupt. Made me stop a couple sentences in and go, HUH? :)
I think just rounding out the transition from the maiden behind the scenes to perhaps some mature scenes then to the last ones which are lovely and I really thought the end to this work was strong and well done indeed and made me feel exactly what you were intending the message of the culture, the patience and acceptance of the woman to be "behond" the scenes though maybe she always felt sad that only men could be the creators, but in the end her reflection, the POV you use and the omagery of the glass and th sea sounds mixing, were fantastic. With a little more work I see this as well worthy of publication and a fantastci insight into a world I knew nothing of, but your made me feel easily invited and I came away with a piece of that culture in me. That is the goal of such a work, like a period theme, the reader wants to feel included and not outside..and you did that so eloquently. I think you should stretch it, give more, it is shhort and effective but I see a larger possibility in more, of this character, her son? Some more things she bears and overcomes like the loss of the Lion at the competition and how really did it effect the family. Also, I wondered why you made a point that the Square of the masterpiece, the minature representation of Sna Marco, was strongly mentioned, I was anticipating him winning on this whenshe saw it insignificant but you shifted to a "burial" and a total defeat. Just made me think a lot about what the square was wanting to tell the reader. Overall, I see beauty, good foundation and a unique story with color, good imagery and potential! Please write more :)
Blessings,
Kelly
15
15
Review of THE LEGACY  
Review by SeraphimLynn
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
I must say I see HUGE potential in this story. I get the feeling that it is a draft, experiment that you will develop further? I think it would benefit from really developing this character. Give her apperance, show us her through movements, mannerisms...the dialogue is good, surface, but worked well as she was talking to a "surface" type of character, a detective one-minded. I found that the timeline was hard, I think background switched would help like letting us know earlier on about the teacher she was, before saying she was, "just an out-of-work widow with a word habit." When I read the beginning I felt she never was anything but a wife and not motivated, then later I wanted to hear about the life before, because it is a window into the change the suicide caused and with imagery and emotion would round her out a lot and gain a sympathy for her that did not really ever take root and readers want to connect.
I also would look at your imagery you do use to illustrate how desperate a situation is surrounding her and how the dreams reflect this...like these examples..."looked at me the way a drowning man looks at a lifeboat." Come on now, you have it in there, too be more clever and original the drowning man seemed like a half attempt as it is overused in everyday life and writing. Also, "like a starving person dreaming about food." I truly believe you can use it but more originality would improve the message.
The dreams, fantastic!!!! That is why I know you can be more clever and never cliche. They were the backbone for me, and showed me this character, maybe that is why I felt up and down as I read the entire piece.
I will just highlight one more suggestion, look at some statements that are good but if you gave an emotional expansion through metaphor what have you, would really bring your gift to the reader..ex. If I were a professional hit man or a blackmailing mistress, these midnight diatribes might suggest the psyche’s attempt at aversion therapy.
Anyway, overall I see this could be a really good, original short story worthy of far more than 1000 or so words. The end line was great, but without some more meat, it was abrupt and I wanted more so it would give that climatic, AH HA! type of reaction.
Blessings and write on!
Kelly L. Goodwin
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