This is wonderful. I can really visualize the creative process at work here. I confess to being a Project Runway junkie at one time, so I understood all aspects of this story. I also love your choice of Milan.
Your characters are very interesting and a breath of fresh air, especially Tina. She comes across as focused and dedicated and confident. She believes in herself and her artistry.
Your depiction of that final runway walk was wonderful. I would have liked to have read a little bit about the crowd reaction. The dress described sounds spectacular.
I find no faults with this and really loved it.
Keep on writing.
What a message! My only nitpicky suggestion is the cadence does get a bit muddled at points.
Your ability to describe the husband with very few words is spot on. He definitely comes across as a "do as I say and not as I do" person.
This resonates oh so well...believe me, all too well.
This resonates so well. I am not familiar with this poetic form, but it speaks to me. It brings to mind the adage, "Once bitten, twice shy."
The form that requires so few words, speaks volumes here. In that one aspect, I think you have done well. It is a melancholy poem, but beautiful nonetheless!
Hello, Hippychick! Shopgirl739 here. Thanks for sharing your reminisces.
Your descriptions of childhoods past are spot on! It brings back memories of my own childhood and the fun we used to have. We would be out of doors playing until we knew it was time for dinner and then back outside on sultry summer nights to catch fireflies and continue our games wherever we left them off.
Most remember their childhood neighborhoods fondly and even if we never return to those roots, we sometimes will stumble across a street or picture or story that will call to mind those homes, and the people who lived there.
I loved your description of the woman and her constant presence on the porch. How you left it to the readers imagination what she may or may not have been doing. The colorful vine covered railing the springboard for their imaginations.
I will make a few suggestions, and these are for you to use or not as you see fit.
#1. The first sentence where you say "city street in the suburbs" threw me off. Especially since you go on to describe a neighborhood that was once thriving, and now entering the phase of respectable gentility. Perhaps a different adjective to describe the street.
#2. In the second paragraph, when you are talking about the woman with her head bent looking down- at what-
Myself, I would remove the second dash and start the next part as a completely new sentence.
#3. The fourth paragraph maybe could be condensed a bit. The sentences seem a bit repetitious. I love the idea of the house trying to make itself so different from the others. That is such a nice touch. I just think that maybe some of that paragraph could be combined. It would make the paragraph flow better.
Outside of those nit-picky things, I really loved this story. It made me think of my old neighborhood and how much I really miss those days.
Well put for six sentences! It almost reads like a blurb on the dust jacket of a hard cover book! Just enough information and the hook at the end to keep one wanting to know more.
I only have two things that caught my attention for possible change.
#1. Maybe you would consider using "her captors" rather than "her captures.
#2 at the very end maybe use "a gift from the unknown kidnapper". The phrasing seems a bit awkward as is to me.
Those are just suggestions to use or not as you see fit. Good luck with the contest!
Lovely! Lovely! Lovely! I really appreciate the thought conveyed. We forget the magic of life when we become adults. It is not until we have children of our own the we begin to see just how important that magic really is. I sometimes feel sorry for those adults who do not learn the lesson until too late.
Such a wonderful poem!
This could have been a wonderfully spooky story for The Twilight Zone!!!!
The scenes and characters were well drawn and described! I was so into the story that I could almost "see" it as one of the old black and white versions of TTZ!!! The only thing missing was Rod Serling's send off at the end.
The story had just the right hook in the beginning to keep one reading to find out about the mirror. I found the story to have just enough of a "creep factor" without any gratuitous gore. Very well done!!! I loved it!
Wow! So calm, so straightforward, so sad. So much truth and power in these few lines.
This resonates far to close too home to critique. All I can truthfully say here, is you have given voice to something a lot of us dare not admit. Well done.
What an adorable little poem, although being a retired dog groomer, I tend to take a dim view of fleas, lol!
I envision this as a board book for the youngest set. The rhythm flow wonderfully until, at least for me, you reach the line "The flea's spirit was bright". I think it needs one more syllable to keep the meter flowing. Just an observation.
It is a very cute little story of two unlikely friends who care for each other, get separated, and find each other again. Very nicely done!
What seems to be a twist, may not be so. Dream as prophecy, perhaps? Very clever.
Your dialogue with the Grim One flowed so smoothly. Your reference to the magic potion of a druid keeping him alive so many centuries after the druid himself passed on, was reflected in the "magic" of Cryosleep lasting for two thousand years. Everyone who gave them the "elixir" that brought on the cryosleep would have passed on as did the druid. Your substitution of a black hole for the dark cloaked Grim One was great. What is the truth that awaits us on the other side of gravity?
I liked the last line, "Let's cheat death one more time." Well done!
I have often wondered if there were "degrees" of rejection. I have received a few of the standard ones, and a few of the "kind" ones. Thanks for the info.
Good info on the agent issue of should I or shouldn't I. I do agree with you about the Writer's Digest competitions. For the past two years, I only entered one item per year. This year I have 3 possibly 4 items to submit.
Thanks for the tips!
You have a great story here! I love the rhyme scheme, I tend to use it myself. The only issue that I have with the poem is the meter..the rhythm if you will. For example, in line two I think there are too many words...I would try to rework the section "he didn't know where to begin." Maybe a few words fewer..."where should he begin."
Your poem lends itself to a rhymic flow and when one comes across some cumbersome phrasing, it detracts from the poem itself.
Most people think that merely having a rhyme scheme is all that is needed. I used to think that way. Once I got into writing more poetry, I found myself very conscious of just how that poem sounded when it is read aloud. One of my real stumbling blocks has been the use of punctuation. I was always taught there are no hard or fast rules for this, so my use tends to lean towards putting in a pause in the flow to help the meter or the rhythm along.
All that being said, I really liked your poetic story. The visuals are good. You capture the dilemma he faces well.
Good job!
I wonder if that is what our memories will be like when I am so much older than I am today? Or is it that we are looking to the past for answers to point the way to our futures? Only to realize there are no ready answers.
What a neat story. The routines we all fall into everyday, same foods, same places to eat. Seeing the same people everyday without really seeing them. It is amazing the musings we have about the lives of others based on their dress or habits. Without really giving too much description I think you do manage to describe some of the characters well simply by their mode of dress, black slAcks and white shirt for a banker type...black on Black with red sneakers for the artistic type...and it works.
I like the hook at the end...the regret that he never took the time to get to know Mr. Little...only the time to muse about his life. "If only." How many times do we all say that over the course of a life time. You capture that feeling well I. The end.
I have read Gary Chapman and I think he should be a required reading for all couples. Yes love is an action word and love is hard. You seem to have a good handle on reality versus illusion. This seems to be a piece written through the eyes of age and wisdom. Most young people may read this and think you a bit jaded. They will learn the lesson, or not, when they have walked the road of married life for many years. There is a reason the saying goes (and I paraphrase here, I think) Youth, it is wasted on the young.
There are so many ways to interpret this...we are our own worst critics, our inner editor torments us, etc. Those voices that keep us back are the demons we all allow to taunt us, keeping us from being "free". Free to live, free to try, even to be free to fail. The chains we wear are the chains of safety. If we never try, never live, or never make a mistake we are safe. Wow, this is a powerful piece and it really resonated with me. Very well done.!
You mention wanting to get into the medical field to be able to help people. You also mentioned how you do not see how the three statements reflect that desire, but they really do. Have you considered the specialties of psychology or psychiatry? Specialties concerning the emotional and mental well-being of a person? You convey well how much you recognize the feelings of fear. Something you deal with a lot. It might be something to consider.
I did notice that there are multiple tenses being used in your writing. Try to write your narrative in one tense only. Be careful of run on sentences and punctuation. I tend to do that. By going back and rereading my writing before any submissions I always try to revise. I also make use of the Spell and Grammar check tool in my Word Program.
I think if you put some time into revision, you could come up with a wonderful piece. Find a way to flow gracefully from one topic to the other rather than three separate stories.
Good luck with your future endeavors and never lose faith in yourself.
That must have been quite the bike ride. This is reads almost like a news article or a blog piece. It was quite interesting and downright amusing. How you missed the skunk is definitely something to be thankful for.
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