Great work, but i feel it could be fleshed out. What are the smells in the room? get into all the senses of the moment and this will a fantastic piece. keep writing H:)
I'm delighted to have stopped by to read your story today! Im currently dating a premie born two months premature in '79 at barely one pound but is now over 6'4 and 250lbs, ha ha. Thank you for writing such an up lifting story, I don't run across them often but I love finding gems like your on this sight. Start sending out those query letters because I think your story is magazine worthy. Good luck and thanks for posting.
I really liked this story but there are a few thing that need to be tweeked to make it flow better for the reader. The introductory paragraph (Italics) could be cut, don't explain the story to the reader just let us discover it for our selves. I would move the Toboggan scene further into the story as it felt the story began with the falling of the shelf at the school. I really liked the characters and feel you can flesh them out a lot more. Speed up the time line and making the accidents increasingly extreme will lend a lot of tension to the piece. Again I really like the over all story but felt there were areas to be worked on. Good luck. Horace
Excellent work. Well paced and engaging You alow the horror to unfold carefully,coming to full bloom in the last section. The last section could use a minor tightening up but in all a a well told, if not disturbing story that untill recently was a horrifying reality for many unfortunate young women.Good luck, Horace
Decent rough draft, now if you want to use this as a piece there are a few changes that would smooth the piece out. First to raise the stakes I would change the best friend to Tony. It is hard enough to leave a friend but to give up the person you love for your dream is the ultimate sacrifice. Next I want you to read the dialogue aloud and take out all the unnessesary words and phrases. People tend to talk in short sentances, especialy during hightened emotions or arguements. This is were the use of pauses can be very usefull. For inspiration I would sugest reading David Mamet, Harold Pinter or One of the Coen Brother scripts. All three of these writers are masters with dialogue and helpful to any writer learning the craft.Good Luck, Horace
You have the idea but now you need to flesh this out. First give the character a name,the word "she" is used far to many times. Go through your who, what, when, where and why's of the story to find the details need to make this story work. Keep going and good luck. Horace
Good work. There are a few areas that need tightening. Thre begining is very good but it takes up most of the chapter. Try opening the story with Mari, The first scene with her is very powerfull and it gives the reader all the background they need to understand where this story takes place. I would take your current opening paragraphs and move them to another part of the story. Play around a little to see the story at different perspective. Good luck, Horace
Very good work. I think though that you could go deeper with this story, let us see it through receccas eyes. I think this story couls be longer as well, it end too soon and their is a lot of potential for creating great tention. Very good work, thank you for sharing. Horace
I like the premis but I think you could go over the dialogue. Read it out loud. Ask your self if these are things people would say. Some of it came off awkwardly but reading it aloud will fix that. The Godzilla bit was cute but it actualy disrupts the flow of the story. This tory has a lot of potential. I love eastern folklore. There are several excellent web sites dedicated to eastern myth and legend. The info on dragons would probably be right up your ally. Keep going, Horace
First I want you to sit down with this piece and go through your who
what
where
when
and lastly why of this story. As a reader Im am lost as to what this story is about. Who is "He"? Your father, a lover or a close friend? This person was confined to a hospital,what kind? You are being too vague and it hurts the story. Some things are painful to write about but it is those painful, even ugly moments that help bring the reader into your world.Keep going.Horace
So the question is simple, what happens next? What obstacles will your protagonist encounter? With out obstacles the story goes no where so make a list of things that could prevent John from carrying out his plan? When someone dies there are some majore expenses,taxes, funeral and lawyers fees. If the business wasn't in the black to begin with john could have a hard time keeping the ranch let alone making a go of the business. The higher the stakes the more interested the reader will be.Hope this gives you somewhere to go from, the opening is fine for now. Horace
Your tag almost caused me to avoid your port but I am glad to say it was worth the look. You have a wonderful voice and I hope you keep going with your writng. good work, Horace.
You need to go back and strip this piece down to its essentials the story wander around. Tighten up the dialogeu. Reading it aloud id the best way to catch dilogue mistakes. This story has potential so keep going. Thank you for sharing, feel welcome to drop by my port. Horace
Good work but he ending felt week In the original tale the step mother is forded to where white hot iron shoes. She is the forced to dance to her death. Keep going, good story so far. Horace
First off I like the idea but you need to go back and do some serious work to make this story fly.:)
-----------------------------------------------------
Rihaeron slowly opened his eyes. The pain he was feeling was unbearable. He slowly tried to crawl up but his limbs were too weak to carry him. So he just lay there, trying to figure out what happened. He mustered a little bit of energy and raised his head. His body was covered in sand and blood - he was washed ashore, the waves crushing into him like a mighty ram.
“ Where the hell am I !” His instinct kicked in, and he let out his energy in a cry of desperation.
Only the birds heard his cry, and only they answered to him in a language only they could understand.
After a while, he slowly stood up. A long beach was stretching out in front of him, with no sign of a living soul anywhere near.
“ I’m wounded…I will not last long” he whispered in elvish.
His face grew pale and the wound on his belly started bleeding.
Rihaeron touched it, slowly looked up at the sky then raised his hands up in anger and fell to his knees.
The world faded away and once again his mouth tasted the sand.
------------------------------------------------------
This first paragraph is very choppy feeling, go back through and read it aloud to see where you need to smooth out the righting. Also be aware of you discriptive words and phrases, some are coming off as cliche's. Again this can be worked out by reading the piece aloud. You use "slowly" four times in the same paragraph, your reader will get bored before they even get to the rest of the story.
------------------------------------------------------
They were going through grassy plains with a few tall trees scattered all over.
The cicadas started their typical ‘night opera’ .
The riders were quiet, only a rare whisper could be heard from the column.
They were getting tired, but they couldn’t gallop or even trot, since 2 of the riders had to pull the ‘drowned one’, as they called him.
They would reach the camp in the morning at the earliest.
------------------------------------------------------
Way too many theys and the's, It gives this section an awkward cadence. Also you do not need to tell the audience how much time has passed. I want to read more so keep working on this. Keep me posted and keep writing.:)
Good start.Right now it feels very surface,the story needs more depth to grab the reader.Part of the problem is the dialogue,goback and read it out loud to your self to hear what your characters are saying.Take out all the "Ohs",they make the characters one demetional.Perhaps you could try doing this story from Natalie's point of view to let the reader into the emotional world of the characters.With some work this will be a piece you can be very proud of.Keepwriting.Horace
Strong beging and a cool story idea. You need to go back now and flesh out this first section. I want to read more so keep it coming. are you referring To the Arche Angel Micheal? Or is Micheal a mortal? No you have something here.Feel free to check out my port. I'm downsized for now but I have three works in progress up.
There is great passion in this piece, I feethe narrators rage. Now I would recomend that you go back and edit untill you come tothe core of what you want to say. There are a few places where you are simple repeating what you have already saida few lines earlier. or you couldturn this into a shortstory and expand on the events of the story.Good work, keep going.Horace
You used some very powerful imagery in this poem, the first two stanzas are particularily good but the poem seem to peter out towards the end. It makes me think of smokey jazz clubs, noir film. Excellent word choices, "I am an eviscerated mind" Eviscerated, fantasticchoice. Good work. Horace
I have just begun looking into my stats recently but was unsure about how it was all tabulated and such. I found it fancinating to see the ratio of my audience. I would not use it to influence my work but as another great tool to see where your hitting or missing in your target audience. Thank for taking the time to get this out to us. Thank you, Horace
I realy like this story, the idea is great. Now heres what I think would make this opening chapter(?)better. The first two pargraphs are well written but didn't grab me as a reader. I would start the story with the third pargraaph, See if the other two paragraphs can be used farther on. I'm un clear as to weather the main character had found the dog dead or not. That part is a little muddy.The ending is also very abrupt, but left me wanting to read more. In all I like your work and look forward to reading more.
Thank you for sharing. Horace
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kooteneygirl
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 8:58pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
