Hi there, MarvelGirl! I came across your short story while browsing the children's genre and thought I'd let you know that I enjoyed it. I've recently become interested in this genre, but have not written a story of any type, only poetry. Congratulations on your first children's story! Please know that my reviews are all non-professional in nature and are only meant to encourage. If there is anything deemed non-helpful in my review, please discard immediately. That said, let us begin...
TITLE
I would suggest a slight title change. Charlie has already lost his parents when the story begins, so it's more about his search than his loss.
FIRST PARAGRAPH
Once there lived a little lion who wished he had a family. He lived all on his own with no one to look after him and he wanted someone to look after him! One day he went out to look for his mum and dad who had left him on a rock in Africa ten years before. The little lion was called Charlie and his mum was called Violet and his dad was called Peter.
The order seems to be a little off kilter. Also, there are a few run on sentences and other grammar issues that can be easily corrected. My suggestion:
Once there lived a little lion named Charlie who wished he had a family. He lived in Africa, near a rock where his parents had left him years ago. Charlie was lonely and wanted his parents to look after him, so he decided to search for them. I don't think it's necessary to list the names of the parents because they are never actually used.
SECOND PARAGRAPH
He started his look at the plains of Africa. he didn't find them there so he looked at the watering hole and he found a pride of lions with a male and lots of female lions, he asked around but no one had left a baby lion cub on a rock ten years ago. so he left the watering hole and left to go on a long trek to the city as that might be where they are. He packed up some food and began his walk, he walked for two hours and he saw a sign for the city pond so he went there. He saw lots of humans and he walked over to the pond, the humans all just screamed and ran away. Charlie looked around and was confused why everyone was running when he just wanted to find his mum and dad. Again, mainly grammar and punctuation issues, with a little flow problem. Suggestion:
Charlie started his search at The Plains. He didn't find them there, so he made his way to the Watering Hole. There he found a pride of lions. Charlie asked around, but no one had left a lion cub on a rock ten years ago. Charlie decided to try the city. He packed up some food and began his long trek. After two hours, he saw a sign for the city pond and followed it. He saw lots of humans around the pond. When he walked over to talk to them, they all ran away screaming! Charlie was confused by the running humans. He just wanted to find his mum and dad.
THIRD PARAGRAPH
After the humans had run away from him the people from the zoo came and took him away, he was chucked into the back of a truck and taken somewhere strange. When he was let out he saw a female lion sitting on a rock looking at him, Charlie sat in the truck still shivering with fear. Then the male lion came and sniffed in the truck, he roared and said;
"Come out little guy!" He said
"But I am scared! I have been looking every where for my mum and dad and now I am stuck here and will never find them!" Charlie said angrily
"Where did they go?" He asked
"They left me on a rock in Africa ten years ago!" Charlie answered
The male lion stood for a minute and said he and his wife left a lion cub and he was caught too when he was looking for his son.
The female lion then stood up and ran over and hugged Charlie and finally Charlie had found his mother and farther!
The End! More rearranging is needed, along with grammar and punctuation corrections. Suggestion:
More humans came to the city pond, but they were from the zoo. They chucked him in the back of a truck and took him away. When they finally stopped and let him out, he saw a male and female lion sitting on rock. They looked at Charlie, who was shivering from fear in the back of the truck. The male sniffed around the truck and let out a roar.
"Come out, little guy!," the male lion said.
"I'm scared," replied Charlie. "I've been looking everywhere for my mum and dad. Now I'm stuck here, and I don't think I'll ever find them!"
"Where did your parents go?," the male lion asked.
"They left me on a rock ten years ago," Charlie answered angrily.
The male lion stood and told Charlie that he and his wife had lost a cub. They were caught while looking for their son. The female lion ran over and hugged Charlie. He had finally found them!
Remember, my suggestions are just examples of how I would edit the story. You may want to do it differently and that's okay- it's your story. I think after you do your editing and tweak it a little, it will be just fine. Good luck and keep writing! |
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Overall Impression/Emotional Impact: I'm not going to lie. I actually got a bit teary eyed when I got to the fourth stanza. You evoked overwhelming feelings of true love and sorrow. Oddly enough, I didn't feel any fear from the narrator until the seventh stanza. I guess that's what True Love will do to a person. Honestly, seeing the Dark genre, I was expecting something different instead of this heartbreaking scene you've created. It is dark, but for me personally, the emotional side of it is much bigger.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I'm going to draw my own conclusion and guess they call it a tie because they both enjoy it?
