This is a very good story that could be a great story with a few changes, in my opinion.
First, I would leave spaces between week one to week ten for ease of reading.
Second, I would put in more descriptions. For example: what did the aftermath smell like? A more graphic description of the debris and dead animals would make it more real. You could just touch on the humans if you don't want to go there. What was the weather like?
I liked that the two people left on the earth were both doing the same thing. I liked the alien in the story. There is so much potential there. I want to hear more
This is a great story that should be told to the grandchildren and passed down to the future generations. Every family should have a historian for this reason.
I liked that you showed the gentle side of a soldier who fought in a brutal war.
I wanted to rate this piece higher, but there were quite a few errors that could be easily fixed. You can then re-submit.
Did you mean to say "I come from mothing?" "Kids have no sence" should be "sense"
"So I sat him down too" should be "to" "schrapinal" should be "shrapnel"
Also, I wanted to hear more about this man. He never talked about his years in the service. That was so typical of his generation, but you knew him after the war. Tell us more about his life before and after the war.
Please consider rewriting this story. It has merit. Anya
This letter was funny, edgey and totally unexpected. I read it because I thought it might give me some pointers on how to help with a dispute between two neighbors who are in close proximity to me. I continued reading because it was interesting.
I loved the last line about "eating your child."
May I suggest a few paragraphs for ease in reading? Also the line about "a pack of savage welfare kids" might be a bit insensitive to the many children who are already embarrassed by their sad situation, keeping in mind that it is not their doing.
Thanks so much for all the great tips, and especially for the example of "show don't tell."
Since the above was so easy to understand, I wish you would have given more examples of some of your other points. For instance: Story Essence - how much detail is too much detail, especially when you say to cut out 500 words?
I don't know if I am asking for too much, but the reviews I get are usually saying to add more detail.
Thank you for taking the time to help your fellow writers, Anya
"Are not the dead lucky? They are not left behind." This is so haunting because it shows the depths of grieving that one reaches when a loved one is lost.
"Honor is a trivial thing when breathing your last breath." This says it all. What a high price to pay for honor.
WWI was called The Great War when it ended in 1918, but now it is almost like the forgotten war. Most people know very little about this war and how it was fought.
When I read this poem, I thought of Flanders Field and the white crosses "row on row."
But it also gave me a feeling of starkness; almost like the mud in the trenches is finally dry.
Thanks for all the great writing tips. I read your editing steps twice and understand most of what you wrote. However, in some instances I needed an example to clarify what you meant.
For instance, "internal dialogue" I was taught that you put thoughts in italics. I would have liked a few sentences to further explain the point you were making.
I did not know about "dousin the verbs" and I will be looking for them when I write.
I liked "jazzing your verbs" I will remember that one.
I have never heard of a storoem, but I really liked it! The whole story line was so poetic without having to rhyme.
This was such a great story. I certainly could see this as an illustrated book. I could picture the orange balloon caught in the tree and the little girl looking up sadly. And the grandmother explaining about how it was filled with her love. What a great concept!
Now I don't know anything about storoems, but I thought the "like December" in the first stanza was a little awkward. Also, (and this is just my opinion) "standing barren in its winter nakedness" didn't seem to fit. But its your piece and just one opinion.
I loved the ending where the balloon followed the little girl home.
I read through your article once before as a new member, and now realize that I am still intimidated by other reviewers and have been rating some of the static items with a 4. instead of a 3. or 3.5, the score I really thought that they deserved.
I am glad that I came back to your reviewing guidelines. I now have more confidence to be honest and still be respectful.
Reviewing is difficult. Sometimes I ask myself, who am I to judge a fellow writer? Some are so talented and some need so much help; and where am I in that mix?
I finally realized that I am the reading audience and the writer wants to hear from me.
Thanks for a very helpful and encouraging article. Anya
I liked this short piece. It sounded like the mixed up feelings of a teenager. I am well past those years, but I have to say you brought me back to those days when life was such a confusing blur of emotions.
Phrases I liked: "stars hate her" "What looks like a star is always an airplane" this could be taken so many ways! "She tries to edit and cut out scenes." Oh would that we could!
Interesting story with a touch of mystery involving the two blonde children with the tight curls. I wanted to hear more about them.
I liked the hi-low lilt of all the mothers which probably is universal.
This is a good period piece with a steady pace and sound characters. I loved the part about playing outside. It reminded me of those special days when we were permitted extra time outside to play in the darkness. It was so much fun.
This is a very good slice of a story that I am looking forward to reading.
I loved your Christmas remembrance. It told a true story and gave little glimpses of your family. You showed the love without being fuzzy and warm. I like that!
My holidays went from a sad and lonely childhood with stacks of presents to a joyous day with a lot of cooking and cleaning up and not so many presents, but untold gifts.
You showed in your writing that families aren't perfect, they are just who they are and we should embrace our differences.
You make a very good point when you say that the Confederate flag is not a symbol of racism and hate. Also about the poor, white, Southern farmer not wanting to go to war over slavery. I agree with you there.
Truthfully, many poor white Northerners did not want to see an end to slavery because they feared that their jobs would be taken by cheap labor from the freed black population.
The three presidents that preceeded Lincoln did nothing to solve the problems between the states. The first five presidents, Washington, Adams, Jefferson, Madison and Monroe thought of themselves more as guardians of the Constitution than representatives of the people, but they did not touch the problem of slavery. Lincoln felt that the problem of slavery would eventually take care of itself by attrition, but he saw sucession as a much bigger and far more reaching problem.
There is so much here that could be debated by more educated and knowledgable persons than myself. I think you have some very good material here for a debate.
However, I would like to have seen what sources you take your information from.
I applaud your taking such a controversial subject and educating the reader with regard to the stereotype we are making of an entire group in the South.
I found this story through Random Read and I really enjoyed it. For a story with so few words, it took hold with the first sentence. I would not have guessed the ending nor the writer making the alien Tommy's mother.
This was a quick read with a double whamie. First the finding of the photo then finding out that he is the son of an alien. I love it.
I was drawn in by the title and stayed for the feast of words. A very well written story. I cannot help thinking that you could write an elequent dinner review for people.
Flies are disgusting and I really wanted this one to be swatted in the end, but you let it live. I wish I could say that it was a nice surprise, but I hate them.
Your description of the mixing of all the different foods was fantastic. Also, I liked the flight of the fly through the restaurant. It was fun trying to figure out where it was headed.
I enjoyed this story, not only as a fan of history but also for its content. It moved along at a fast pace and kept me wanting to hear more.
I was in Berlin a few years ago and saw Checkpoint Charlie and Potsdam where the WWII peace talks took place. The history behind those talks is truly amazing. Stalin, the only one who was part of the original peace talks, took advantage of his inexperienced counterparts and walked away with a big chunk of Germany.
This story put a face on what happened there so long ago when Americans were free and most of us could not fathom a military force on our soil. This British officer's escape from his Soviet captors was real and filled with a terror that must have happened numerous times throughout many years.
Good story all the way to the end, but I felt (and this is only my opinion) that the sentence about the moon smiling down like a "proud cat" did not fit with the rest of the story.
I would love to hear more of your historical stories and will look for you.
I really liked this story. I could almost feel this man's pain. I could picture the room and I could almost get what was happening. But, I didn't. I read it twice. The second time I read it slowly and decided that I liked this story, but I did not know where he was. Was this just about pure pain and where it takes you? Were the copper pennies a hint?
I loved this very descriptive story. From the breast pocket to the hazelnut cream, it's all good. It's more than good, you made me feel like I know this man. He might be my uncle or my next door neighbor.
I love that you made him the writer of the story. It really brought a beautiful story to a fitting end.
One suggestion I would make. You must write more about this man. I want to know if he was married, had children, fought in a war, taught botany at Harvard - - I want to hear more about this "magnificent model of human race."
I am in awe of this story. The descriptions of the school rooms, the orphanage, the trees and the grave stones are first rate.
The fact that the orphanage was once a sanitarium gives credence to the demons that have haunted this child since she was a baby.
But, what happened to the parents? I wanted to hear more about them.
In so many places, I felt that the story needed to be fleshed out. This should be easy for you. You've got so much story going on in your head. Don't be afraid to add on. You are an interesting writer. I found that I had to slow down because I just wanted to find out what was going to happen next.
This story was brimming with horror and suspense. I loved the fact that the eyes followed her from her childhood. It gave the story a never-ending terror-filled effect.
A lot of good descriptions throughout, giving the story a feel of everyday life with a sinister twist and letting the reader know that this could happen to them.
Good ending! I was not disappointed.
Just one small criticism though, I would like to see more separation between paragraphs for ease of reading.
I will not be walking into a dark room anytime soon! Anya
This story brought out a sadness in me for Paul. There are mothers who do not nurture their children and the result is a child missing out on a loving parent and a happy childhood.
There is a realness to this family gathering that can only be brought out by a talented writer.
There were a few spelling errors that caused some confusion in the reading. Sorry, but I take offense at the C and T words. There are a multitude of words in the English language. No need to insult your friends in literature.
This story had a perfect flow. I could almost hear the tide coming in and slowly ebbing. I could feel the mist and smell the ocean as I was reading.
I loved the billowing curtains in the doctors' home and the contrasting heavy drapes in the office. I felt as though the secretary was the anchor that gave the characters stability. This story was beautifully written.
I loved the fact that the doctor did not step backwards and fall off the cliff. However, as much as I liked the crimson purse in the ending, I wished that the ending had a little more substance.
If an author can bring me inside a novel then, I feel I have read something truly worth while.
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