I agree with a previous reviewer who asked, why do you have the words innocent and precious in your poll. Those two words make an assumption about every sibling relationship.
I have two brothers; one is older and one is younger, and I enjoyed a good relationshp with both of them growing up. I still do and keep in touch with them equally.
Hi Brian, I saw your prologue on the reviewing page and thought it sounded interesting.
This is a very chilling story! The reader is led into a concentration camp of World War II by the innocent sounding papaw Renke, whom we can surmise from the simple descriptions, was a German soldier.
The contrast between the sleepy child viewing old photographs of the Holocaust and his thinking that the naked girl is commonplace, was surreal. It is almost symbolic of how all those German children were indoctrinated to hate the Jews.
I liked the descriptions in the opening paragraph and hope that you do more of that in the chapters that follow.
This was an unusual story that makes me want to continue reading. Anya
Hi Shiney Day, I found your story on the Request a Review page and thought it sounded interesting.
I think you have the bones of a good story here and if you are interested in some revising and rewriting, this short story could be expanded and made better.
First of all, what I liked about your story was that I could identify with this sixteen-year-old girl who tries to manipulate her father and when that doesn't work, she goes directly to her mother. It was classic! In other words, I did it too, so I can relate to the character in your story.
What I didn't understand is how she got her wish. I thought she wanted to have a boyfriend and by her own admission, there was no boyfriend.
I would advise you to leave more spaces between your paragraphs and make use of spellcheck. Also in the following sentence you wrote:
“ Mother!,” she cried out resembling the shriek of a five year old."
"resembling" means to look like. you really want to use a word that would describe the sound as in:
"Mother!" She shrieked in the high pitched voice of a five-year-old child.
You don't have to use my words. I am sure you can come up with your own.
Additionally, and this is only one person's opinion, but why not try adding some details. For example, you could describe more of the pink room. I would love to know what pictures are on the walls, and are there stuffed animals on the bed? Your readers want to know what the surroundings look like and also, mom's dressing room sounded like a place I wanted to hear more about.
These are all just suggestions and you do not have to change your story if you are happy with the way it is written. I enjoyed reading it and going back in time.
Hi Ambush, I really enjoyed reading your story of a wild family remembrance. There is so much going on in this little tale and it gives one the feeling that you must have had quite an exciting childhood, but by your own admission, you paid for it in kind.
I get the feeling that these four adults were fun to be with, but not very responsible. I just cannot believe that the police had to arrest all four of them for this incident thus leaving young children to go home in a cab not to mention the one who got lost.
One correction and I am not really sure that I have this right.
"muge the mud." should be "mange le mirde" (not sure about mirde)
"Later on my aunt Cybil read me the riot act and I guess I was a tattle tale I was only ten years old I hadn’t learned not to tell stories yet I guess I couldn’t keep a secret."
Aunt Cybil actually had the audacity to yell at you! Also this sentence is too long. I suggest breaking it down. The following is just a suggestion:
Later on, my Aunt Cybil took me aside and read me the riot act for tattling. I was only ten years old and had not yet learned the art of lying by omssion.
This was an exciting story to read in addition to the visual in my head that accompanied the words. However, in my opinion, it could be better and I think if you go back and rework it, you would have a great short story. Try shortening your sentences and paragraphs for easier reading.
I love visiting your port. You are full of surprises! Anya
This is such a sad, hopeless story that is written in contrast with innocent children playing outside on a winter's day.
The opening sentence is almost symbolic in its description of the thin coating of ice that covers the mud in the streets. It seems to state the obvious, that these people are there, but we avert our eyes and move on.
"Darkness falls at a faster rate now, and a crisp blanket spreads across the streets, creating a thin layer of frozen beauty across the muddy puddles."
and then it leads into the darker side of humanity:
"The position of the needle was vulgar and horrifying, all of its weight seemed to dangle on the inner lining of the vein. The man had supposedly planned to let the first half kick in, and then finish it off enjoying all of its pleasures in a drowsy state of satisfaction."
The writer reminds us that he wasn't a bad man, this wasn't his choice and he was some mother's son.
"The sun sets on a grave that no one will visit and a life that no one will remember."
A short story, stated in few words that gives a glimpse of a part of life that most of us will never see or choose not to.
Anya
I liked your description of Purgatory. I had a clear visual and it gave me a chilling feeling of what could be. I never thought of it in those terms and it really made me aware that atonement for one's sins could be down right tedious.
I liked that you gave an example of lust by telling about his one night with Maria and wished that you had done that with all of the deadly sins.
At first, I didn't like the ending, but when I read it again, I realized that what he had to do was a fitting punishment.
This was a story well told in few words.
P.S. check out my port; I have a story about Purgatory and would love to know what you think (Waiting Room for the Not Quite Dead).
Hi Emmie, welcome to writing.com. I found your story under "Read a Newbie," and I saw your note about not being able to figure out how to get into a contest. I had to laugh because I continue to have the same problem.
I am assuming that this is a true story about Christmas Caroling and a pen pal in Columbia. I thought that it was a lovely little seasonal piece and I think it is so generous that you and your family are helping less fortunate families in a developing country.
A few errors I noted: "...for their childrens' Christmas." should be "...for their children's Christmas."
"...we all decide that's it's getting late," should be "...we all decide that it's getting late,"
A very well written, descriptive story of a young boy who loses both his parents and is being raised by an unsympatheic aunt and an uncle who has given up caring about anything in his life.
The boy, Tommy, who is nine years old, is treated badly by his foster family and decides to get revenge on his Aunt Hilda.
This was a great story and though it was long, I could not stop reading until I got to the end. Interesting plot and the descriptions put me right there in that old farmhouse kitchen.
This is a new plot on an old story about a genie, a lamp, and three wishes. It has the basics of a good story; almost like an outline that has to be fleshed out.
I had to re-read the last few sentences because I could not pick up on what actually happened with the cake.
It was an enjoyable read that kept my interest. Anya
This was a gut-wrenching, painfully sad story about two soldiers during WWII. It makes one wonder about how many more stories like this are out there.
To fight in a war is horrific enough, but then to come home and fight the demons of PTSD is beyond the scope of all reason.
There was a lot of switching back and forth between war scenes and the soldier's life after the war. I did not find it confusing and thought it was skillfully done.
I liked the way the dogtags reflected the mood of the story and were always touching the soldier at different times. It seemed as though they were there to remind him that he couldn't save his fellow soldier and friend, Chris.
A recurring error I picked up:
"Laying there on the couch..." should be "Lying there on the couch...
The story was told in cold, stark words that gave it a chilling effect and gave this reader the feeling of loneliness and dispair that I guess the writer was going for.
This story sums up a blind date in 55 words. Short, and to the point. Sometimes I feel that way when I go out socially. I sit there thinking, I have a great book at home I could be reading and I gave it up for these bores?
Hi Ambush, I just read your story about the pigeons and I have to say that it is a very well written, descriptive and serious story about two naive teenagers making a bad choice.
There is one line in the story that absolutely cracked me up, and I won't give it away here. Also, the bus ride must have been a scream for those fellow riders.
"It was a fortress of wood and steel holding its prize of wings and feathers." I love that line!
"Here we were, two kids with two bags stuffed with birds, each bag was jiggling, and squirming, flailing and flapping..." Good description, I can picture the scene.
The part about your dad made me cry, because I knew him personally and he was a gentle sole who didn't believe in violence, but could not abide by stealing.
A few errors that I will bring to your attention but not all, I will leave some for others. (ha, ha)
"I use to watch" should be "I used to watch"
"paid our fair" should be "paid our fare"
One suggestion, and it is only my opinion, so disregard it if you don't agree.
I would open the story with the line, "It was inpenetrable." or "Everyone said it was inpenetrable" It is such a strong statement and sets the stage for the whole tale.
I don't think that you are boring. It sounds to me like you are young and probably have a lot of fresh ideas that you cannot wait to share, but no one is asking right now.
It must be very discouraging to go through four years of college and then not be able to put all your hard work to use.
When you write about students and you use phrases like "Just lazy, ornery little twerps" it leads one to believe that either you are in the wrong field or you are quickly becoming bitter. I hope that you find what you are looking for and wish you luck.
This is just a suggestion and maybe you have already tried it, but have you put your name in various businesses and institutions?
P.S. Your writing is not boring so that blows your whole premise, Anya
I liked this story for so many reasons. At first I thought, Why would Jim steal from a friend he had known since childhood? But, then there is no accounting for what goes on in the brain of a teenager.
The ending was fresh (I thought) and unexpected.
In essence, a very short story about good and bad choices that sometimes allow redemption.
Thank you for taking the time to write this article. You have given me so much to think about.
I have a story that has been sitting in my port for quite a while because I knew it needed work, but I was not sure how to fix it. Each time I read it I got the feeling that my characters were too one dimensional. I now feel that, after reading your article, I have some new writing tools to help me rework my story and perhaps finally post it.
This story created a very disturbing visual in my head that will remain with me and I am sure return to haunt my thoughts.
The "lucky man," and "the mountain from which to choose," were both heart wrenching and sickening. In truth, that "lucky man" had a lifetime of horrific memories to ponder.
A very well written and simple yet painfully real description of the Holocaust using shoes as the centerpiece. It's been done before, but this piece in 55 words can hold its own.
Aw, I feel so badly for this hungry cat (I assume?). Even though I knew from the beginning that this was not a person who was hungry, I still enjoyed this 55 word story, which was very well written and pleasant to read.
I am trying to picture a "frantic stroll" and come up short, although I think only a cat could pull this off.
I loved this tale of reincarnation. It was fascinating to read about all the explanations of life and this person who did not want to go back into the world of the living.
The implication that this guy led a bad existence was very thought provoking. And the fact that he would improve with each reincarnation was an interesting concept. Are we all at different stages of perfection? If so, some of us have a couple-a-twenty lives to go.
Fantastic story! I enjoyed every word of it. I was not aware of the story of the Dogwood tree, but I will remember it every Spring when they bloom in my backyard.
I was such a big fan of Rachel Carson, and to use the very premise of her passion and her book, "Silent Spring," against her is so uniquely creative that I am in awe.
This story was so different and so well presented. Karl hitching a ride with Hilary Clinton really got to me. I have been from France to Florida and then back to New York in the past few months and in every hotel and motel I stayed in, the first thing I did was lift the sheets and check the mattress. In the future I will check my books!
I enjoyed reading this little tale told from the POV of the bedbug. Anya
Hi Storymistress, once again I have to be reminded about rating and reviewing. Many reviewers have stated that 4 is the new 3, and I have been following that track. I guess the feeling is that no one wants to be average. It's like being luke warm. I stand corrected on this point.
I rarely give a 5 when I review or rate, however, I get caught up and most of the time forget to mention what I see wrong with a piece. This is not fair to the writer and I will correct it in my future reviews.
Thanks for reminding us that if we review, we have an obligation to the writers of which we are a part.
Anya
I found this amusing and sometimes frustrating story on the Review Page.
Nathan is a sympathetic character whom we can all identify with whether male or female. However, I felt such frustration when he kept hanging up in the middle of dialing. I kept thinking, is life really that difficult for men? It's just a phone call.
The ending was so unexpected. Maybe it's just me, but I never saw it coming and I love that. The pogo stick line cracked me up! The different voices were absolutely priceless.
Good show. Anya
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