They visited a hundred stars
Including Jupiter and Mars
But you get only three
For your Star Trek poetry
Now, go play with your cars.
Couldn't resist. This reader used to be a big ST fan so it was easy to appreciate the fun you were having with it. Still, it was only a 3.0 star effort - too short and easy for any more.
3.0 on technical merits; 4.0 on holding the readers interest. Therefore, 3.5 (Can you tell it was an Olympic year???)
Stand back and look at all the "I" 's you have written. This is YOUR experience, but if you can eliminate 80% of those it will read much better.
Also, take a little time to think about some of your word choices, "seemingly typical Friday" -- "I had also thought" -- and stuff like that. You need to take a hatchet to as many extra words as possible...think of ways you can say the same thing, only better, and in fewer words.
Went through the same thing with my dad in 2000, it's tough.
4.0 because of the difficulty. It's hard to consider a higher rating for adding to an existing work, unless you bring something substantial to brighten it. This was just an add-on, and a good one, but nothing original to showcase your own talent.
You brought enough interest, however, for this reader to check out your other work. See you later.
Your story is comprehensive enough for this reader to feel as though we have met and talked on many occasions. There lingers a question whether or not some of these details should be made public before your daughter would have a chance to want them to be.
It may be perfectly fine when she is an adult, but is it OK before then? It's a question, not a judgement.
Aside from all that, the format with the recipe included is original and is done with great affect...a nice break from the uniform paragraphs.
Perhaps another rewrite with more breaks would be in order. Overall, however, it reads to be a complete and thoughtful attempt for you to explain life and share your hopes.
You're a good writer -- and it appears you are also a good papi.
It's a heartbreaking story, disturbing on several levels. Could only do a 3.5 because the writing needs so much work; it appears that English is a second language to the writer, who does good if that is the case, but still needs the work for an English audience.
It's a strong story and worth the effort to tighten it up.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ksreetz/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 1:49pm on May 06, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
