Any reference to the civil war still gives me the willies - such carnage!
I'm giving this one a 5 star because you summed up the experience of that bloody war was in 12 sentences. Of course there was much more to it but you hit it square enough.
I did a piece on Memorial Day also and wanted to expand it, failing to get the words right so kept it short. You did a great job with yours however. Nicely written with a lot to consider.
Ken
From one Ken to another - this is like reading my mind. It must be darn near universal.
Read with much appreciation and some empathy. It's not just the toys, the real changes are starkly highlighted in the culture - especially thsi time of year. Great read, thank you for posting this.
Ken
There is a whole life in this poem - two actually. I would never quibble about little changes that might make the read "improve" because how can another improve on what you feel and how you want to say it. The writer is fortunate to have something in life this nice to remember and write about. Well done.
This is a story, an experience from your life I presume. Although compelling with the facts it could use some imagery in the words so it doesn't read so much like telling a story - I didn't feel the emotion that I sense must be there.
I'm not a master at this and I struggle with the same thing - wanting to tell the story in the language that I feel and not in simple, matter of fact, terms.
I don't know if this helps or not - and perhaps it is an incomplete or even unwarranted critique, but it is my impression as I was reading. For what that is worth, I don't know. At any rate, good luck with your writing and much success in whatever you pursue.
The only part disappointing this reader is the quick ending - I'd like to hear more specifics. That isn't a criticism, because the story reads fine as it is, but there is a feeling of wanting to know more.
This is a nicely written short story with great sentences and strong images playiong in the mind - kind of like a good jazz piano solo.
Robert, this is a great short story. I'm pretty impressed with your ability to tell this with so few words - great economy of words, and all so precise. There may be some format issues here, and it does cause a bit of a distraction, but the content is first rate in my book.
5 stars for the story -- AND for being so well written. I think it's amazing that you have kept a positive view of life - a tribute to your adopted parents no doubt. Keep looking up and sharing your writing talent. Take care.
(grips me with fear) sounds too cliche - can you try being more unique?
(embrace so ably) ably - another word with more emotion?
(picked them up and loved me anyway) - "anyway" (or in spite of) I missed the connection to what "anyway" is. In spite of what? Can you make that more clear?
Overall this works, but I think you could make it work better by being more poetic - find more expressive words. I'm probably being too picky, but when the great poets are read there is hardly anything common in their words, and the emotion is made personal and intense. Get more of that going and see what happens. Good luck.
Good article. Maybe too many one sentence paragraphs (which this reader has often been taken to task for doing), but otherwise a pretty straight talking piece of writing.
Good job writing a tough piece while remaining sensitive to the feelings of the reader who may also be the subject.
Things happened pretty fast here, a longer version would also work. Some of this was overdone - cutting the finger worse than labor and such didn't ring true - but that's a minor given the quality of everything else. Overall, this was a nice read.
When The Party's Over
is better writing than I've ever created, but that certainly cannot be the benchmark for the 5 star.
Something missed here and I think it was the second stanza - it just didn't work for this reader. One of those things that I know what I would do, but don't want to say because it belongs to you and needs to stay that way.
Look at it again, although I could be way off or just not getting it.
I rarely rate 5 stars, but the communication of this is so strong that it had to be.
Hopefully some day there will be another writing that reflects happier circumstances. Meanwhile, let your compassion flow freely and keep writing about it - you never know who might be affected.
Had a hard time liking this because I have such little respect for liars. On the other hand, this was entertaining and nicely written - the writer deserves kudos for that.
I was a little confused about the contempt shown to the frizzy haired lady - so many references about eyes bulging and etc. Frizzy hair lady said, "Hi" and the writer instantly dispised her? I get it that the young girl didn't want to hear about Jesus, but was that the only issue?
This was a distraction from an otherwise witty account and unnecessarily created a negative opinion about writer. There seems to be a real talent here, but this story would have been more enjoyable without the ridicule - at least for this square reader.
Strictly from a writing standpoint this is very effective and well written, in spite of some form issues that might be debated. Who cares about that after reading?
It has the power to grip the reader away from their own comfort and thrust them into the very emotional world of the writer.
This story captures the readers attention and holds it to the end, but I thought the writing was a little rushed. Perhaps that was a choice made just to hit the highlights or details, but this reader felt you could have put more reflection into the writing so we could discover more about what all of this felt like - in terms other than the Popemobile reference. That would have been an excellent place to expand your thoughts. Still, thank you for sharing and for such a well written piece.
Well, this reader wasn't confused - this is a fun read. "been" and "green" do not actually rhyme unless you talk funny, but that was this readers only distraction. The use of opposites might also be a little overdone, but its easy to forgive when considering the writing is of a light nature. I'm sure many of the readers can relate to this. Nice work.
Interesting. Overall this was an OK read, but contained way too many metaphores and adjectives, which distracted from a pretty unique story. The writer seems to be pressing too hard - usually the case when you see too many words that are entirely unnecessary. I think if these were cut down it would read better - it does have great bones. Give it another try, it's certanly worth the effort
as a new grand dad I can appreciate the absolute thrill you must be experiencing during these visits.
Now, the writing. You can get away with almost anything when the topic is so endearing, but you didn't need to get away with much - it all works just fine. More than fine, actually.
Not sure about the form, but you made it easy to feel the emotion of this. Nice work - just a few exceptions:
**quiet as a mouse is cliche - be more original
**downcast blinded eyes (and others) - they say to minimize adverbs and adjectives - use them less and choose them carefully.
Small nits, really, in an overall nicely written prayer.
Good luck at Northwestern. Surely you can find 3 words to take out so won't mess with that one; as for the writing and content, your essay reads fine to this reader. It's a dramatic answer to the question they are asking of you and that should carry a lot in your favor.
Regarding the experience you are writing about, I hope you find the strength to face the huge wave of emotions that will be flooding your life in the years ahead.
4.0 stars. It's well written enough to get 4.5 or even 5, but it's too short. Hard for this reader to say because anything about children and seniors creates a special affection. Thought you did a great job with this one.
Your concept was carried perfectly to the end, with each step along the way being a pleasant walk through your dreams for the future. Such descriptive writing -great use of the language.
You certainly "gave me a reason" to rate this 5 stars.
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