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131 Public Reviews Given
185 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Encounter Participants  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I've been away for a while, due to financial and medical considerations, my dear friend. I'm just learning of your situation today. I'm hoping for an update. I'll check your Blog.

This is an amazing diorama. I'm not certain of what the differences between a "Detention Center" and a prison might be. I was a prison Chaplain for a time, so I do have some remembrances of that situation. I couldn't write of them with any more accuracy that what is described here, with the possible exception of the depth of deprivation, isolation, and sadness one encounters there. That it is THIS member, literally THE FIRST WDC member to welcome me on my first membership day, only deepens my anger, disgust and sadness. The writing here makes your emotions simply magnified in my own.


Blessings, Kiya. You already know I love you. Now, and every day, I will keep you in my very best thoughts and fervent prayers. Even here, in this moment, your writing is simply exquisite.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of Lani's Blog  
for entry "Matthew 1 21-23" 
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with God's Way Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Lani It is my pleasure to be reviewing your work on behalf of our group, "Invalid Item" . I am reviewing this particular work because you are a participant in The Annual Advent Adventure-2011 Edition: "How Far To Bethlehem?".




Date Reviewed:December 3, 2011


Review Type : General


My Initial Response: This blog entry is a reflection of personal meaning on a shared journey. While it is not common to review blogs, or blog entries, this Adventure permits it.


B}I. GENERAL REVIEW


A.My first impressions of your writing:

You have taken the Adventure, and today's writing to heart. I am very pleased to see your commitment in action here. Given the option of being safe, or being real, you have chosen the latter. Congratulations! I believe you have chosen very well.


B. The plot:

The plot here is from two Scripture verses of the Bible; a story of a frightened King, and the promise he receives through the Prophet Isaiah. The promise begins its fulfillment some 700 years after the promise is received.


C. The characters:

The characters in this particular plot are well defined in your writing. Ahaz, his kingdom, the Prophet Isaiah, and the testimony given in Matthew's writing are well identified. The central character in your writing (and in the verses, too) is YOU. I am pleased to see so much of the reality of you in your writing. It is compelling. Thank you.

D. The action:

The action is well defined for the Isaiah passage, which gives leave to understand the action found in Matthew's passage. But, the action of most impact is yours. I would hope that Matthew gets some attention, for the reasons I will advance in future writings. Just be aware that Matthew is providing action central to the story, as well. I wonder if he was a witness to it, or if only a reporter from others who were witnesses.
E. The dialogue:


F. The background:

More than 400 years, God has been silent. When He shows up, He continues the conversation where he left off with the last verse of Malachi in the Old Testament. Ten generations of silence give way to a most amazing moment.



II. SPECIFIC Review



A. The overall story:

Your relationship to the story provide a looking glass, through which your fellow adventurers can use all the senses to share your reality with you. This is a bold and daring action on your part, and very worthy of a true Adventurer.


B. The theme:

As has inherently become a "norm" for our Adventures, the work on our journeys becomes intense, and intensely personal very quickly. While this is a representation of the successful journey, it has never been a concept OF the Adventure. This quality has come from the Adventurers themselves. Yours is a grand moment on this adventure, as it will help define the journey for us all. Thank you for your willingness to place all adventurers where the Adventure works best.

C. The technical details including formatting (spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details), etc.:

Historically, your reprize of the facts are accurate, and timely. Their presence in your writing gives a strong and very useable foundation for all that will follow. You show clear and provable accuracy and use of the historical moments.


D. What I loved about this work, and why:

You began the Adventure by jumping squarely into it. That is truly laudable, and presents a clear and convincing evidence of your personal commitment to complete the 25 days' activities. You give all adventurers a mark, a bar to shoot for that is, while certainly difficult, still more than possible. This will not only help you as you journey with us. It will help us all get into the most important aspects of our short time together.

E. What caused me problems, and why:

It's difficult to (normally) evaluate subjectively such a personal written presentation, yet yours makes such evaluation unnecessary. Your permission to offer a public review is a blessing to everyone on the Adventure. I have no problems with your work: at all! Thank you.


III. FINAL COMMENTS:

This is a great beginning, Lani . I feel your need, and share it. I hope and pray that we may, together find what it is that compels us to journey together again for a time. I am just so grateful to have you with us. Thank you for your excellent work in this first day's writing. I can't wait to see your next offering.



Thank you for this opportunity to review your work. I try to make my Critiques relevant, helpful, honest, and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps make your writing better, I am satisfied. If you would like to respond to this review, or request another review, please feel free to visit "Invalid Item" . You can request reviews, prayer, or just interact with our group there.

If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my Critique, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please do let me know. We are all learning, and growing, and sharing our craft-or at least we should be.


Write well!

M. B. "Bud" Fields, Jr.
Budroe
Adventure Leader  
3
3
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with The Annual Advent Adventure Gr...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)


Hello, Winnie Kay . I am reviewing this work on behalf of "Invalid Item"  as you begin with us the "Invalid Item" .

This writing stands outside the norm, at every level, my dear and beloved friend. There is no reviewing tool or template that will accurately reflect the quality of this work, or my reaction to it. My advice to any person reading these words is to stop right here, and read this incredible story. Only then will you truly begin to understand the nature of this review, and the author of the work I am reviewing.

Did I ever, in our many conversations, tell you that you share the name of my youngest sister? We call her Jeanie (she does hate "Jean" as a middle name!).

This story requires great courage--to read. I have NEVER written that before, and I doubt I ever will again. But, it is an absolutely true statement, and I do make no apology for it. Having lived through events like this personally myself, I do truly hate it when I learn that someone else must face such reality. That you have so honorably written of your experiences makes you one of the greatest authors I have ever had the pleasure to know. Yes, I know of this story from previous dealings with you, but I did not know the specifics until today. So, for me, there is a grief process at work here, and I pray you will forgive that as I conduct this review.

I did not "read" this writing; I experienced it. You take us from the usual to the unbelievable tenderly, yet with absolute determination. My hope is that your writing of this piece is cathartic for you. My prayer is that you and your family will continue to truly celebrate radical thanks-giving every year, and every day because of the truth which lies within this writing. This is a masterfully created piece, and stands as the single best writing I have experienced in my more than four years as a member of this site. It simply has no equal.

The nature of the craft is that, by our practice of it, we not merely entertain our readers, but we somehow change them. By our writing, we also change ourselves. There is no doubt that the first and "prime directive" has been accomplished here. My strongest hope is that the second has also been accomplished, as well. The quality of this work alone precedes the outcome of it, and is immediately apparent, Winnie. What struck me most within the first two sentences was the tenderness of the writing. As a reader of some experience, I immediately "flinched", uttering an almost unconscious "Uht Oh!" as I read them. My instincts were intact, and completely accurate. By the time I had completed the reading of this work, I was a different person. There is just nothing I can add to that.

As difficult as it may be for me, or as confusing as it may be to you, my friend, Thank You! We are blessed to be a blessing, and we are healed by healing others. I have been blessed, and somewhat healed by this writing. I can only hope the same is true for you. May God descend upon you, and your family again, even now, and shower upon you all His love, mercy, grace, and unpronounceable blessing. May this Holiday Season bring you a renewed relationship, and a newly found understanding of radical thanks-giving that you can live out--not in spite of this story, but because of this story. Our Dad has truly showed up in this work, and He has most definitely showed off!

I am quite honestly too weak, from the experience of this writing, to continue. I can only commend you as a master craftsman with my utmost love and affection, admiration and respect. I can only recommend (yet I would command if I could) every member of this community to read this work if you do truly wish to know what it means to be a writer. No, I do not believe that is a statement of "overkill", which makes it even more imperative in my view that this work be read--immediately!

Thank you for this opportunity to review and participate with you in this work.

Budroe
4
4
Review of Why?  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with God's Way Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I really love your "conversation with self" analysis here, Alister. It is a provocative, yet humble and honest evaluation of a part of your self-identity which makes me really want to know you much more. I find your reasoning both logical and (despite the rule otherwise) simultaneously emotional. Your words reflect the importance of the conversation in a genuine and completely human way.

God does not require us to be perfect to approach Him, and you have clearly demonstrated this in your article. Thank you so very much for showing your vulnerability and seeming preference for logic in a completely illogical scenario. I learned much. I also happen to agree with your conclusions! I invite every member of WDC to look into this window on the soul, and reflect upon it's words and meanings. This is an excellent piece of writing.
5
5
Review of Who was Jesus?  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (5.0)
It is not often that I review a poll. Truth be told, there are not a lot of polls to review, much less polls of such substance. You give us no preamble as to the purpose or condition of your poll. You simply put the question, and await the response.

The responses themselves are substantial, and reflect much historicity. Throughout the ages, this question has bothered, irked, angered, comforted, and changed the lives of people. Given the public positions which are posited around the globe on this vital question, I am deeply impressed with the result (so far) you have gotten.

That such a poll elicits such response, in such volume, speaks very well of the construction and thought that went into this poll. Congratulations on a job very well done. I look forward to seeing how you intend to use the poll, if any such intent exists. Thank you for a demonstrative example of how a "real" poll should be put to our community.

I hope you will have many takers of this poll in the days to come. Should you wish to comment on this review, ask questions, or even request other reviews of your work, please feel free to stop by
Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum  (E)
Have you been rewarded by us, or would you like to request a review for a great reviewer?
#1611464 by ~A.J. Lyle~
. It has been an honor to review your work today. Thank you for such high quality.
6
6
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Kenzie . I am reviewing this work because it was recommended in the Author's Newsletter today. This piece is an excellent representation of your writing on WDC. It shows a lot of the core of you, and is seriously reflective of the person that you are. Your example of living by your daily walk is highlighted by your "code" which is effectively given here as advice to others. What interests me most about this piece is the transparency it represents into your own living. You do walk your talk, Kenzie. You are a positive and inspirational example to us as writers--and as people with a bellybutton! *Smile*

Thank you for the willingness to give us such a wonderful picture of what a person of significant goodness looks like on the inside. It is so obvious on the outside, we often wonder how such a life is possible. Thank you for such a clear, yet simple answer.

I highly recommend this writer, and especially this writing, to the entire WDC community. In my opinion, no one should sleep tonight until they have read this work.

7
7
Review of Gifts #1  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, StephBee - House Targaryen . My name is Budroe . I will be reviewing your writing today on behalf of the "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E]. I discovered your work on the Public Review Page, and thought I would take a look. I'm very glad I did!

I hope you will find something you can use to improve your writing craft. Please use what you can and throw the rest in the rubbish, okay?*Bigsmile*



I. My general review of this work:


My very first impressions of your writing:

I very much appreciated the note, and the introduction to this story. I was already into the story before it began. I'm a huge fan of the Prologue done correctly. While you did not separate the beginning into a separate item, it serves the same purpose very well. I love these characters!


II. My specific review of this work:



A. Your overall writing:

The writing is tight, crisp and mostly clean. There were a couple of instances where I thought the language a bit gratuitious; then thought of the character's ages. It still came out to me as gratuitous vulgarity. You handle dialog superbly. This morning, I reviewed a work with no dialog. Yours is almost completely dialog. It is very difficult to write both correctly and invitingly for this market. You have done a superb job with the craft in this story.

B. The theme (or tone) of your writing:

In this beginning chapter, a young boy and his mother are going to New York City to go Christmas shopping for his dad.

C. The technical details (formatting, mechanics, spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details):

I must admit to some few problems with your work. The mechanics were mostly well accomplished, clean, and transparent. The grammar, spelling, and punctuation were correct for the piece (difficult with such a large bit of dialog!).

1.In the note, I would hyphenate "...year-old...".

2.I would also remove the comma at "...old [comma] Tyler...".




D. What I loved about your work and why:

*Thumbsup*This work is properly titled and catalogued. It has an underlying surprise (to me) which becomes developed very nicely in the story--wonderful job! It's a great reminder that first impressions go both ways, and we can never have a second chance at a first impression. The story is really well-written, relevant, enjoyable, and tightly brought together. I can't wait to read on to the next chapter!The tempo of the story was exceptional! Very well done! I loved the scene in the store! If only.... *Thumbsup*



E.What caused me problems, and why:

*Thumbsdown*I mention the mechanics of the note, because:

1. The notes are significant to the story, and properly placed.

2. As a reader, I got stopped by those things which I mention supra. I didn't mind the heavy concentration on the dialog, or it's wonderfully created technique. (I'd use this work as an example in a grammer/dialog class!) I'm just left feeling that I didn't "see" the characters in action. Perhaps a bit more description of Tyler's reaction to the skyscrapers of New York as compared to the lazy layout of Newport would have helped. I heard what he said, but I had difficult "putting" him in the scene (if that makes any sense.) In fact, that feeling lingered with me after I read the story. If, to me, he is not impressed with his family's position, why does he seem so hung up on it? I got what it feels like, but it was not 3-dimensional for me.

3.Descriptions are valuable for things other than scenery. Emotional descriptions could be expanded just a bit here, to make Tyler seem more 3-dimensional for the reader. I really like him, but I want to feel like I am "with" him in this story. I left feeling as an observer to someone else's life only. I'm not sure that was what you were going for. I'm sorry for the long detail, but I hope it will help you develop this shining work into a glittering masterpiece (or Masterson piece!*Bigsmile*

4. Perhaps it was a decided lack of all five senses in this story which slowed me down. I didn't realize this until the story was complete. *Thumbsdown*



III. *Star**Star*FINAL COMMENTS:*Star* *Star*


This story is truly a "gift" to its readers. Thank you so very much for letting me share my thoughts (that's what they are) with you today. I hope you will polish this piece with my observations in mind. Hopefully, you will have a real standout story as a result.

*Balloon1*Thank you for this opportunity to review your writing. I try to make my reviews relevant, helpful, honest and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps you improve your writing, I am satisfied.

It has been my honor to visit your work today.I have adopted the WDC official "Star Rating System (SRS) for my reviews as established, demonstrated and explained by The StoryMistress . It may help you better understand this review:

How I Rate Reviews  

If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my review, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please let me know. You may also leave a comment, or get involved in the discussions of reviewing at the "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  [E]. You may also request additional reviews here. Let us know how we are doing.

We are all learning, and growing, and sharing our craft—or at least we should be.*Balloon2*


Write well!


M. B. “Bud” Fields, Jr.

Budroe
8
8
Review of The Quills  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Andrew . My name is Budroe . I will be reviewing your writing today as a fellow member of "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E]. I was shocked, and saddened to hear of your recent abduction by aliens "Invalid Item"  , and am currently leading a team to insure your return to the group.

I hope you will find something you can use to improve your writing craft. Please use what you can and throw the rest in the rubbish, okay?*Bigsmile*



I. My general review of this work:




My very first impressions of your writing:



II. My specific review of this work:


This activity represents a huge undertaking by any group on our site. To see it begun by one willing individual is amazing! I understand that WDC cannot provide such a recognition device for it's members. That one of our own would envision and bring to life what could well become one of THE most significant acvities is laudable.

A. Your overall writing:

The Quill Awards attempt to be all-inclusive, recognizing every possible type of activity and writing on the site. The activity is well developed, and the instructions and examples are clear and definitive. Excellent work!

B. The theme (or tone) of your writing:



C. The technical details (formatting, spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details):

Mechanics, grammar, punctuation and style are flawless in this activity. The care you give to the creation of the activity speaks to the potential success of the activity, in my view. It is obviously well developed, with plenty of room for member participation!


D. What I loved about your work and why:

*Thumbsup*One member has created what could well be one of the most significant site-wide activities we will see on WDC. The level of work you have dedicated to the success of this activity is incredible. You have captured, in your own personal style, an activity that invites all members to participate and contribute--to make the activity much more than your own. Excellent! *Thumbsup*



E.What caused me problems, and why:

*Thumbsdown*I do not believe this activity is sufficiently known to receive the recognition, participation, and submissions that could make it fulfill it's purpose. You should advertise this activity, seeking additional "hands to the plow" for help in every area you can use it. Submissions should be encouraged, with a special eye to seeking the very best Judges the site has to offer. Every member should, in my opinion, see and support this activity! There is plenty of room for either pruning or expansion, depending on your desires. Perhaps sponsoring the activity by members would help. Submit the activity for inclusion in the Contests/Activities newsletter, and get the word out if you want the help. It will come! *Bigsmile*
*Thumbsdown*

III. *Star**Star*FINAL COMMENTS:*Star* *Star*


I highly encourage every WDC member to look at this activity. If you co not think you could submit and/or participate, you know someone who should. This is a superb activity which seems to be quietly shining. You should be commended for your creativity and willingness to bring such a worthy project to us. While I am worried that this could easily become an overwhelming success, it could also become one of the premiere activities on our site. Much good luck on your journey.

*Balloon1*Thank you for this opportunity to review your writing. I try to make my reviews relevant, helpful, honest and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps you improve your writing, I am satisfied.

It has been my honor to visit your work today. I have written an introduction to my own personal philosophy of reviewing and critiquing the work of other writers. It may help you better understand this review:

 Review Or Critique, Which Is It?  (E)
An introduction to my personal philosophy, and why!
#1168045 by Budroe


If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my review, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please let me know. You can also request additional reviews at "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  [E]. Stay strong, and hold your courage. Help is on the way. You will back with us soon! *Smile*

We are all learning, and growing, and sharing our craft—or at least we should be.*Balloon2*


Write well!


M. B. “Bud” Fields, Jr.

Budroe
9
9
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, EarlyHours-A Vigilante Ranger . My name is Budroe . I will be reviewing your writing today. I am reviewing your work as a member of "Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS"  [E] because of the high quality reviews you have posted in the public forums pages of WDC.

I hope you will find something you can use to improve your writing craft. Please use what you can and throw the rest in the rubbish, okay?*Bigsmile*



I. My general review of this work:




My very first impressions of your writing:

There is no definition of having written this work for a contest, or other WDC purpose, so I am left to believe this is an example of your pure writing. I am glad to have found it.


II. My specific review of this work:



A. Your overall writing:

The physical presentation of the story on the page is a clue to me that there is no dialogue at all in the work. I would be tempted to end the fist sentence with a full stop after "ants". This an excellent opportunity to engage the reader's participation. Let their "theatre of the mind" fully explore the picture before them. Your writing is certainly entertaining on its own, I think you could trust the visual clues to work for your readers.

Any time I see a comma followed by the word "and", I wonder about placing a period (full stop) intead. I see several places in your work where such a decision could pay off. It is a balancing act between descriptive verbiage and letting the reader enjoy their own illusions in the moment. It's a mystery, and it's a story. The mystery wrtier tends to speak "factually", while the writer of the story wants to provide what he sees to the reader, as he sees it. It's a difficult fence to ride. Foreign words, like "deja vu" are usually italicised, thusly: deja vu as a matter of form.

B. The theme (or tone) of your writing:

Well stated, this is a witness account of the armed robbery of an Emergency Room pharmacy. PoV is third person omnicient. Well done.

C. The technical details (formatting, spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details):

"He had felt this before. Once,..." As an example of several occurances in your work, the leading sentence phrase does not transition as smoothly as it could, I think. It actually stops the forward motion of the reader in this case (It did for me.) the rearrangement of words would help the movement and intensity of the structure within the paragraph. Perhaps something like "He had felt this once before. While..." This puts the word in a powerfully useable postion, leading the reader to expect revelation. Then, the validation for the reader occurs with the revelation. I believe the very well-written piece could shine. Reviewing your writing in a frame of looking for just such opportunities would be an immense help for polishing purposes. If the reader can follow your words, the story sells. If they must translate them, the reader stops. "Alex shook uncontrollably as he rose to face the waiting room." This is an example of what I am showing you. I hope it will make sense to you.

D. What I loved about your work and why:

*Thumbsup*
I was immediately interested because it was your work. This is only a chapter, but it is a complete story. The story is "concentrated" in a relatively few words, which speaks of break-neck speed through the action. The story delivered the action as promised. Well done! *Thumbsup*


E.What caused me problems, and why:

*Thumbsdown*All the preparatory words which lead to the "right now" realization take me from the story to your head. I wanted to stay in the story! "The realization again hit him with full force: he could die right now." My example is to demonstrate the point only.The mechanics can really be stong helpers to the story. Words are the skeleton upon which the story hangs. Mechanics, when properly applied, can fling them off the page and into the reader's mind for their own adventure. That's the goal of your writing. Sharing your adventure from your PoV is one thing. Creating an entirely new adventure for your reader is something else again. I believe this is your goal. *Thumbsdown*



III. *Star**Star*FINAL COMMENTS:*Star* *Star*


This is a well done story with just loads of potential! It was a joy to read. I did, in fact, get to the adventure in my own mind. I just had to work a bit to get there. The story survived the struggle, mild as it was in fine shape. I'm only trying to help what I see, as you wrote it. If it makes sense, or strikes a chord within your writing self, use it. If not, trash it! *Bigsmile*


*Balloon1*Thank you for this opportunity to review your writing. I try to make my reviews relevant, helpful, honest and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps you improve your writing, I am satisfied.

It has been my honor to visit your work today. I have written an introduction to my own personal philosophy of reviewing and critiquing the work of other writers. It may help you better understand this review:

 Review Or Critique, Which Is It?  (E)
An introduction to my personal philosophy, and why!
#1168045 by Budroe


If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my review, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please let me know. You can also comment, or request another review, at "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum"  [E]. Thank you for letting me enjoy your work today.

We are all learning, and growing, and sharing our craft—or at least we should be.*Balloon2*


Write well!


M. B. “Bud” Fields, Jr.

Budroe
10
10
Review of Footsteps  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


Hello, Nathan Darkense . Welcome to WDC! My name is Budroe . I will be reviewing your writing today as a member of Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS . I hope you will find something you can use to improve your writing craft. Please use what you can and throw the rest in the rubbish, okay?*Bigsmile*



I. My general review of this work:

The title is quite appropriate for the story! I enjoyed reading the story. I wish I could say the ending was implausible, but....*Smile*


My very first impressions of your writing:

I read through the story, which is listed as a contest entry with a 200 word limit. The story seems appropriate to the contest.

II. My specific review of this work:



A. Your overall writing:

You have some vivid imagery in your story. The story is told well.

B. The theme (or tone) of your writing:

A man is coming home from a bar, when he hears what he believes to be footsteps behind him.

C. The technical details (formatting, spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details):

I didn't react to a couple of british spellings, believing them to be genuine. There was a noticeable omission:

"I throw coat..." "my" or "the" could work here, between "throw" and "coat".

I don't know what your word count for this piece is. I would advise you to post it inside the piece, either on the first or last line. It is customary with wordcount-limit contests. Perhaps replacing the next sentence with "Silence." could work here. There tends to be too much expectation of the single-word sentence in this work for my taste. Perhaps you could fill out the details after the contest?

"...at the nothing behind..." seems superflouous here. I would recommend omitting them.


D. What I loved about your work and why:

*Thumbsup*This work is a potential nail-biter, even given the constraint. My hackles didn't rise until the last paragraph's scene. Then I got a ridge full of them! Good work!
 *Thumbsup*

E.What caused me problems, and why:

*Thumbsdown*The work (even given the constraint and context)was abrupt and jerky for me. The effect was achieved, then a tad over-done for my taste. I believe you could "smooth out" the writing without sacrficing effect. There seems to be just a little bit of a lack of word control. Such "tightening up" of the work could turn a really good story into a great story!
 *Thumbsdown*

III. *Star**Star*FINAL COMMENTS:*Star* *Star*


Welcome to WDC! This is a really good start on a difficult contest. Your writing shows some maturity and comfort with the craft. I look forward to seeing more of your work in the near future. Good luck in the contest. *Bigsmile*

*Balloon1*Thank you for this opportunity to review your writing. I try to make my reviews relevant, helpful, honest and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps you improve your writing, I am satisfied.

It has been my honor to visit your work today. I have written an introduction to my own personal philosophy of reviewing and critiquing the work of other writers. It may help you better understand this review:

 Review Or Critique, Which Is It?  (E)
An introduction to my personal philosophy, and why!
#1168045 by Budroe


If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my review, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please let me know. You can also respond to this review of your work, or request another review at "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum" 

We are all learning and growing, sharing our craft—or at least we should be.*Balloon2*


Write well!


M. B. “Bud” Fields, Jr.

Budroe
11
11
Review of It Lies Within  
Review by Budroe
In affiliation with Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Hello, Just an Ordinary Boo! . My name is Budroe . I will be reviewing your work because of your demonstrated strengths as a reviewer, for the Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS Group on WDC. I hope that you will find something you can use to improve your skills.

Use what you can, and throw the rest in the rubbish, okay? *Bigsmile*



I. My GENERAL Review:



My very first impressions of your writing:

There is, for lack of a better term, elegance in your words. From the carefully chosen nature of the structure and grammatical accuracy, you allow the framework of the story within to exude delicately from the skeleton of the language. This is a wonderful, yet disturbing story very well told.

II. My SPECIFIC Review:



A. Your overall story:

Your ability to define your characters within the story had me sitting in that "easy chair"! I could feel the discomfort. I suspect personal awareness of this scene for you. Having lived it many times myself, I was entranced with your "360 degree" view for the reader. Very elegant! Well done!


B. The (theme or tone) of your story:

A family visits the hospital deathbed of a loved one, a fellow adventurer who will be sorely missed. The desperation of the finality is so well depicted as to be palpable. Using the patient as a powerful centerpiece to this story was near genius. She still has grit and attitude even as she transitions. The final moment's stark scene, given so completely a human response, was a very finely crafted tool, I was taken by the moment.


C. The technical details you covered: (formatting, spelling, grammar, scientific or historical details), etc.:

The elegance (again, but it is appropriate) of your writing, using with mastery the tools of the craft, make this piece a wonderful example of writing well. This ia clearly a shining example of our craft at its very best, in my opinion. I saw no obvious grammatical, mechanical, punctuation or spelling problems here. This is one of the best technically prepared pieces I have seen on this site. It would serve well as a shining example of our craft to beginning and intermediate writers.


D.*Thumbsup* What I loved about your work, and why:

The goal of the writer is to engage the reader as a participant in the words. "Getting off the page" is, to me at least, a basic goal of good writing. I felt from reading your story as if I was somehow present, perhaps hovering a few feet off the floor as I observed the action playing out before me. I especially liked your depiction of what could be considered a minor character,the Nurse. That was a story within a story for me!*Bigsmile* Characters are crystal clear, and as the story finishes, I re-read from the beginning to apply the new information into the story from the start. It didn't change the story at all. Elegant!
 *Thumbsup*

E. *Thumbsdown*What caused me problems, and why:

The mastery of the craft here was hampered, I feel, by a necessary constraint of word count. I felt the ending sequence was a bit of a short-change for me as a reader. The story, on the whole, felt a bit unbalanced. I definitely wanted more!I believe the story can be tightened just a bit by shaving a bit off the initial characterizations (100 words, perhaps) and adding the count to the finish. It was said, and everything worked well. I just felt as if the closure of the story gave me no closure for the patient. *Thumbsdown*

III. *Star**Star*FINAL COMMENTS:*Star* *Star*


Thank you for a truly wonderful story. There is a depth to the creation of this work, that goes so far beyond the usual expectation of the reader that one can only leave this story different than how they arrived. This is the goal of all good writing. You have crafted a magnificent story that any reader would enjoy, even with the topic involved. I came away understanding the theme and its application to my own life. So very well done!

I believe it is imperative that writers have some semblance of understanding when our craft is done well. Any student of our craft should run to this piece--immediately! Here is a solid platinum example of writing done well.

Any review from this writer should be taken immediately to heart!


*Balloon1*Thank you for this opportunity to review your work. I try to make my reviews relevant, helpful, honest, and tactful. If there is one item on this review which helps your writing, I am satisfied.

It has been my honor to visit your work today. I have written an introduction to my own personal philosophy of reviewing and critiquing the work of other writers. It may help you better understand this review:

 Review Or Critique, Which Is It?  (E)
An introduction to my personal philosophy, and why!
#1168045 by Budroe


If you have any questions, concerns, or comments about my review, or suggestions about how I can be a better reviewer, please let me know. Should you have an interest in having other work reviewed, you may post your response to this review or request another item review by visiting our Public Forum, at "Reviewing Reviewers Public Forum" 

We are all learning, and growing, and sharing our craft—or at least we should be.*Balloon2* For the Reviewing Reviewers ~ ON HIATUS  group,


Write well!


M. B. “Bud” Fields, Jr.

Budroe

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Review of Apple Sauce  
Review by Budroe
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a well-crafted short story, with interesting characters, good description, and a plot that moves. We meet two people who seem to have no idea who, what, or why the other might be. It is a good read that lets the reader observe. The dialogue is somewhat lax in the explanation, but leaves the reader with many wondering thoughts. That provokes participation, and I think that is always a good sign.

The dialogue is just a bit unwieldy for my taste, because I don't quite understand the upshot of the confrontation. That's okay, I will ponder it for a while, perhaps even long enough to pick an apple!

Good writing. Good luck on your journey!
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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (5.0)
Larry:

I, too have had to have an extended absence from WDC. It is really incredible how it affected me. Your words are accurate, and worthy of note by every WDC member. There are many times and seasons in life. Sometimes, we forget the planet we are skittering through space upon. For my writing, the ONLY planet is Writing.com.

Welcome home, traveler. It's very nice to have you back.
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Review by Budroe
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Welcome to WDC! *Smile*

This is an interesting story, which flows well. There are some slight dialogue issues which slowed me down during my initial reading. The story flows well, with only a couple of obvious "hops". This is a very good first offering here.

I look forward to seeing more of your work.
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Review of CHARLY'S GIFT  
Review by Budroe
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
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What a wonderful story! And what a grand gift. Your writing this story, that is. *Smile*

It is not so often that I can overcome the writing and maintain a relationship with the words. Although that was no difficulty here, the words captivated me.

Thank you for both gifts.
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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I believe that good ideas have long legs.

This is not only good writing, but it is a good idea that makes perfectly good sense (and, from the sound of it, cents!).

Each of us finds ourselves, from time to time, trapped in the rut of our own making. We write "a certain way", to that "certain" audience. We rely on those facilities and faculties with which we become familiar.

This is, in large part, one reason why we burn out. There is nothing new in our process. That is quite often because there is nothing new in the way we view our work, our characters, our plots...at all.

This article gives us all some sage and sound advice. Shake it up a bit, and you might just see something in that scene you witnessed this morning that you just would never see from your own "familiar" process.

Well done, Kenzie. Thank you for a timely, and important piece of writing.
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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Welcome to WDC, and to the A-1 Academy. This is where you will post your weekly lesson assignments for your Computer 101 class.

Congratulations on choosing a truly excellent beginning course, with a fantastic Instructor. You are gonna have a total blast!

Write Well!

M. B. Fields, Jr. DMA
Clarksville, Indiana USA

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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (5.0)
I.M.:

I personally could not agree more with you. People make dying difficult, and much more tangled than it need be. I think this is part of the lesson we still must learn. We will only learn it from loving, caring people who will share the bare, stark reality of the journey with us.

Thank you for being one of those who will take on the additional burden and frustration of teaching us how to do it, and most importantly how to do it well, with class and style. There's a lot of wonderul living in dying, as your journey shows us all!

In His Care, and Yours,

Budroe
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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (5.0)
I had a friend ask me, not so long ago:

"How do you do that thing with the 'undisclosed recipients'?"

It's been around a long time now, folks. If you have the habit of forwarding the funnygram, or the chain eMail, or the newest MLM "Enterprise", you really need to read this timely and well-written article.

It's not so simple you can understand it. It's really so simple that you cannot possibly misunderstand it.

Now, if you would just use it!

Excellent work, Kenzie

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Review by Budroe
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Congrats on the new Blog. I very much like the style of your writing here. I wish you well, and I will be checking back from time to time. I too am familiar with "The Prof". His was the only reason I never minded driving through the seven hills during rush hour. Let me know where he lands. Maybe I can pull it in. Maybe he'll find Live365.com and give us all an online alternative.

Budroe
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Review of Bagged Improv  
Review by Budroe
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, allis_in_LI I am a judge for KC under the midnight sun 's
 My Dog ate my Homework Contest!  (13+)
Rewarding the slacker in each one of us and earning gps for Raok and Roll!
#1220860 by KC under the midnight sun


I will be reviewing your contest entry.

Title of item:

"Bagged Improv" 

Setting: Could you see it? Did the author use all the senses?

There is some rich story-telling in this story. The description was used successfully as a tool to move the story forward, and I was never left behind.

Character Development: How did the characters grow throughout the chapter? How believable are they?

The MC (Gina) was a person that I could clearly see throughout this story. The Instructor had some transparency at times that I wished were not present. Having a slightly lesser character does not mean they should not be as vivid as the MC. In this case, I felt that happen twice. Professor Bolidori became unnecessarily transparent--especially when reflected in the fact that she, too, had been previously mugged. It almost, but not quite, worked for me.

As the professor became transparent, the character of Ali began that way, and never truly developed for me. He had the opportunity to fulfill his role as a "red herring", but he didn't quite make it. I knew they were there, and I knew they were speaking at times. I just never got to the "why" of these characters. That was too bad, because they exist in the skeleton of a truly outstanding story.

Historical Referencing: Do the clothes, hairstyles, language, actions, etc... match with the time period—this includes current day—of the novel?

The historicity of the piece is not in question. It is set in present day, and I can easily see the scenery.

Plot: Did it leave you asking the right questions or were you totally lost?

I loved the plot. I especially loved the ending. There were just a couple of places where I felt the writer was more interested in explaining how to build a clock, rather than telling me as a reader what time it was. This was in those structurally insecure portions of the work. Let this be a clue for you in your writing. Unusually long, or complex sentence structures can be a clear signal to the writer which, unless ignored, helps the story--every time. (See next comment)

Grammatical: Are there any consistent grammar or spelling errors the author should be aware of?

There are several grammatical and structural errors in the writing of this truly outstanding story. Had they not taken me away from the flow of the plot, I would not truly consider them relevant. But, they did take me away. Comma splices abound here. When two independent clauses (or statements) co-exist, they should either be set off with a semi-colon (soft stop) or a period (hard stop). In this work, many of the punctuation choices were inappropriate for the structure of the sentence. I am not afraid of the long sentence. It must exist appropriately, however. This seems to be a universal challenge for the writer. What a great problem to have! *Smile* It is so simple to fix! I encourage you to do so, and let me see the revision. The story is definitely worth the additional work on the structure.

General: Talk about any other areas where there is room for improvement: POV, descriptions, dialogue, format, etc...

Yours was an interesting comment on "Final Exam Psychosis" in general. This was, for me, the "red herring" that truly worked in your story. I would ask you to completely re-work the structure of the section. It adds so much, yet came across clumsily for me. If you can understand my meaning with this section, the other difficulties I have mentioned above will become more apparent, and available to editing.

Personal Opinion: Summarize your review, give any advice you can, and give them your honest opinion.

This is truly the best story I have reviewed so far today! Excellent elements exist here that are very worthy of maturity. I enjoyed the pace, and the twist. I just had to work too hard to get there as a reader. Make it easier for me, and let me read it again. I just know there is a publishable story in this work. Please show it to me.

Comment in a Box Score ("Comment-In-A-Box""Comment-In-A-Box" ): 4.0 Stars


IF YOU LIKED THIS REVIEW ...

THEN go to "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!" "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!" and let them know!

THANKS - WRITE ON! Good luck to you in the contest. Thank you for taking the time to enter. We'll see you when the final details are posted.

Write Well!

Budroe

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Review of Excuses, Excuses  
Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Ariella I am a judge for KC under the midnight sun 's
 My Dog ate my Homework Contest!  (13+)
Rewarding the slacker in each one of us and earning gps for Raok and Roll!
#1220860 by KC under the midnight sun
. I will be reviewing your entry.

Title of item:

"Excuses, Excuses" 

Setting: Could you see it? Did the author use all the senses?

There were missed opportunities for sense realization, I felt. The story had many opportunities for insertion of seeing, emotional tags which would have, if not overdone, add to the texture of the piece. I noticed the lack of them.



Character Development: How did the characters grow throughout the chapter? How believable are they?

The maturity of the two main characters was well established, I thought. I had no problem following either one.

Historical Referencing: Do the clothes, hairstyles, language, actions, etc... match with the time period—this includes current day—of the novel?

Choice of language was appropriate, for the most part. A high school scene would possibly have a student thinking "Crap!". And many a high school teacher, unfortunately, refers to his class as "people". This brought some dimension to the piece.

Plot: Did it leave you asking the right questions or were you totally lost?

The piece flowed well from beginning to end. As usual, I got a bit lost as the MC went through the miazma of circumstance. The ending was not only reasonable, but a nice and appropriate response.

Grammatical: Are there any consistent grammar or spelling errors the author should be aware of?

This story has strong grammatical structure, and I was pleased to see it. The structure of the writing shows some maturity on the part of the writer, which I would like to encourage for future writing. It is obvious from the presented work that thought and work went into the skeleton. This made a somewhat one-dimensional story much more enjoyable to read. Thank you.

General: Talk about any other areas where there is room for improvement: POV, descriptions, dialogue, format, etc...

Overall, I found this story to be believable. I found no particular distractions within the use of POV, for instance. I thought the descriptive elements to be largely missing, but they were not a focal point of the story itself. I would have liked to see some description of the storm, the darkness, etc. to fill the story out a bit. The format was acceptable for the guidelines of the contest and well matched to the story presented.

Personal Opinion: Summarize your review, give any advice you can, and give them your honest opinion.

The story cast me as an observer to the unfolding excuse. I was entertained, yet I never really felt as though I had "arrived" in the classroom. Perhaps a little bit more "show" and less "tell" would have helped here. Overall, this story transmits the maturity of the characters well--something not so easy to do. There were opportunities within the story to add depth, dimension, and character reality that I would have enjoyed. I noticed them missing. Good work.

Comment in a Box Score ("Comment-In-A-Box""Comment-In-A-Box" ):4.0 Stars


IF YOU LIKED THIS REVIEW ...

THEN go to "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!"  and let them know!

THANKS - WRITE ON! Good luck to you in the contest. Thank you for taking the time to enter. We'll see you when the final details are posted.

Write Well!

Budroe

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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, Kez I am a judge for KC under the midnight sun 's
 My Dog ate my Homework Contest!  (13+)
Rewarding the slacker in each one of us and earning gps for Raok and Roll!
#1220860 by KC under the midnight sun
. I will be reviewing your entry.

Title of item:

"Homework On Christmas?" 

Setting: Could you see it? Did the author use all the senses?

I would have had better luck if some basic backgound about the MC had been given. By the time I finished reading the story, my mind made him to be in about the fourth grade, but I think that just happened so the story would make some sort of sense. That's about the time, for instance, students begin making judgements of other people (specifically teachers with big noses)*Smile* The story's primary sense was hearing. I had a bit of trouble entering the scene, mostly because I couldn't figure out which room I was supposed to be in.

Character Development: How did the characters grow throughout the chapter? How believable are they?

The story does not try to show the believability of the character, in my personal opinion. Rather the inevitability of the failed excuse is the center of the story. It worked for me, finally. It took a couple of readings, however. Just a few clues would have helped immensely.

Historical Referencing: Do the clothes, hairstyles, language, actions, etc... match with the time period—this includes current day—of the novel?

The story is placed in the present, and the setting is well represented. The lengths the MC goes to in order to sell the story plagues the outcome, I think. It was his thinking and rationalizations helped me place his age. He didn't stand a chance, but he sure gave it a shot!

Plot: Did it leave you asking the right questions or were you totally lost?

I think I was asking the correct questions throughout the story. I know that, as a teacher, I have certainly asked them before. *Smile* The variety of the growing excuse story took me too many places, however. In character for the MC, it still made my head spin.

Grammatical: Are there any consistent grammar or spelling errors the author should be aware of?

Grammatical structure was quite well done. This was a true strength of the story, I thought.

General: Talk about any other areas where there is room for improvement: POV, descriptions, dialogue, format, etc...

I had some problems in deciding which POV was speaking. Italics for the MC's thoughts would have helped immensely. It made the writing seem a bit short of complete, and would have served the story well.

Overall, the story could have used a couple of sentences of definition. As a suggestion to show my point:

"Edgewood Elementary was about to experience yet another of Larry Liar's adventures. For a fourth grader, Larry could come up with some amazing reasons for not doing his homework."

Now I'm where I should be in the story, and the rest of the story sells the point.

Personal Opinion: Summarize your review, give any advice you can, and give them your honest opinion.

This is an interesting reversal of the usual, showing the constant error in making excuses for one's personal failures. The angst the students had toward their teachers, quite natural at the age presumed, has much more to do with the experiences of the failed excuse more than the originality of the student in this story. It made for an interesting background plot, and it worked for me.

Comment in a Box Score ("Comment-In-A-Box""Comment-In-A-Box" ):3.5 Stars


IF YOU LIKED THIS REVIEW ...

THEN go to "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!" "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!" and let them know!

THANKS - WRITE ON! Good luck to you in the contest. Thank you for taking the time to enter. We'll see you when the final details are posted.

Write Well!

Budroe

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Review by Budroe
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Hello, inupluskag. I will be reviewing your entry into the "My Dog Ate My Homework" Contest.

Title of item:

Um....


Setting: Could you see it? Did the author use all the senses?

It was interesting that you used two words to place your setting: "feudal Japan". This does particularly set the time frame, and the location. I could feel the weather, but could not truly "see" the location. I was able to visualize the main character, her dress, and her size.

Character Development: How did the characters grow throughout the chapter? How believable are they?

The character does not have an opportunity to grow within the context of the story, as it is a short scene. Personally, my understanding of feudal Japan makes this character completely unbelievable. Such an occurrance would have life-long implications which no person living in feudal Japan would voluntarily choose to accept--for any reason. The shock I personally felt was not translated into the story between the characters. This makes me believe you do not have an understanding of the timeframe you chose for your story.

Historical Referencing: Do the clothes, hairstyles, language, actions, etc... match with the time period—this includes current day—of the novel?

Other than the main character wearing a well-described Kimono, we have no relevant entree to many of the historical referencing of this story. However, the choice the character makes is completely unbelievable to me, personally within the setting given. This killed the story for me.

Plot: Did it leave you asking the right questions or were you totally lost?

The questions I was forced to ask took me completely away from the story. I understood the plot, and the story sequence. It just would have not, in my personal opinion, ever have occurred in the setting given.

Grammatical: Are there any consistent grammar or spelling errors the author should be aware of?

There were some grammatical / spacing problems. The primary problem was leaving no space between the closing quotation mark and the first letter of the next following word. As an example:

'....homework Kikyou"the teacher....'
'....dog..."she...'

Associated with, but slightly different than the quotation problem, there was a confusing dialogue tag or two "she the teacher"... as an example.

The writer should look at paragraph structure, specifically as regards dialogue and offset. The second part of the story was better structured than the first. I think you probably wanted to indicate speed of dialogue, but it took me away from the story to figure out who was saying what, when. Offsetting the dialogue would help a lot.

General: Talk about any other areas where there is room for improvement: POV, descriptions, dialogue, format, etc...

In the days of feudal Japan, the bare-faced telling of a lie to a person in the position of authority (the teacher) would have life-long consequences. No friend (Inutoki) would have allowed or accepted such a realization easily. No person of honor (the basis of life in feudal Japan) would have ever considered such shameful behavior. Even a small child would know this. I'm afraid this made the story unbelievable for me. Unlike the teacher in the story, I would not accept such an action from a student.

I had no problems identifying the speakers during the story, but there were some dialogue structure problems. This is a difficult skill for us all to master. I would suggest taking a chapter from a favorite book with lots of dialogue, and typing it out. You will see, as you type, how the author chose to handle their dialogue. It will not tell you all the rules, but it will show you how one writer handles dialogue. This will also give you a feel for paragraph and dialogue structure overall, as it relates to the story.


Personal Opinion: Summarize your review, give any advice you can, and give them your honest opinion.

It may be said that the way you told the story made me believe it occurred as you told it(see above). Unfortunately, given the setting, the second portion would just have never happened. There is obvious talent within the writing. Structure needs to be addressed. This, unfortunately, looks like it took less time to write than the main character had to fabricate her excuse. More time would have helped both, I believe.

Comment in a Box Score ("Comment-In-A-Box""Comment-In-A-Box" ):1.5 Stars


IF YOU LIKED THIS REVIEW ...

THEN go to "My Dog ate my Homework Contest!"  and let them know!

THANKS - WRITE ON! Good luck to you in the contest. Thank you for taking the time to enter. We'll see you when the final details are posted.

Write Well!

Budroe

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Review by Budroe
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This is a work speaking to the writer in all of us. It is timely, and well done. The notion that we have thought is sufficient for the writer of this work to encourage us to write them down.

There is a brief grieving over what the writer conceives to be the continuing loss of the craft--and the skill--of writing. It is a feeling with which I concur.

I have said, for the whole of my life, that every human holds within them a song to be sung, and a story to be written. Upon this, the writer and I agree.

Well done.

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