A Review of "Spirit Riders" 
by kuttuks 
Reviewed by Request per "Please Review"
Reviewer: Ladyoz
Item type: Chapter - Young Adult
Overview:
Chapter 1 of a young adult fantasy. Nine year-old King Théoden is being schooled by a goddess and a champion.
Things I Liked:
I like the pace of this piece, it moves along nicely. I also like the idea of Mother Nature being a god (well, perhaps she should be a goddess?  ) rather than just a concept. I think this could be developed into a wonderful young adult story.
Character & Plot Development:
I think this is a fair beginning, but I feel that it needs considerable "fleshing out". The Point of View is Third Person Omniscient, which means that the story is told by the author, not by the characters through their dialogue and actions. While this is technically a valid point of view, and the easiest to write, it is the least convincing way to tell a story. The only person who can know everything that all of the characters are thinking and feeling, and who can know forthcoming events, is the author. For example, these sentences:
"A subject that would all too soon show its true importance."
"but far off in a land much darker than this one the story of another boy was beginning as well."
That's the author talking.
Also, there is a great deal of "tell" in this piece, rather than "show". This means that instead of allowing characters and story to unfold through things that are happening, the details are given in a more textbook-like form. For example, rather than simply telling the reader that Théoden is being tutored by a god, it would be much better if you were to open the chapter with this paragraph, or one like it:
“Your power makes you special, but it will never think for you. You must be the master of your decisions," etc.
This would place the reader right into the middle of his lesson with Mother Nature, so that we see what she is teaching him when it's being taught, rather than being told by the author. You can then show his thoughts and responses to what she is teaching him.
Also, the paragraph that begins with the following sentence would be much better if it were turned into dialogue:
"Théoden was a brilliant student but his power sometimes corrupted the young man," etc.
Thus:
"Théoden, my son, you are a brilliant student, but your power sometimes corrupts your thoughts. I have stressed this daily. It is a subject that you understand to be important, but you are still too young to comprehend the true meaning for yourself and your people."
There is no detail given on what "the Great Changing" is.
Technical Suggestions:
 the earthy floor[,] waiting,
presents [presence] of Mother Nature
It was his gift[,] or more over [moreover] his knowledge and complete acceptance of that gift[,] that gave him
Enchanting Eden[,] the
breathing and growing[,] and
things where [were] showcased
eyes of Earth[']s last surviving God would fall so deeply in love, [become?] so spellbound[,] that nothing in life would matter but to worship at the God’s feet[.] [B]ut not Théoden.
Master first your mind[,] and
let your power make you [believe you are] wiser then [than]
a brilliant student[,] but his power sometimes corrupted [him.]the young man
to be important[,] but [he] was
with a shaping of the mind with [under the tutelage of?] a God[,] but [The reason I suggest altering this sentence is to remove the second occurence of the word "with".]
Thoruck had lead [led] his clan
ferocious of the underworld clans[,] [t]he Arressgone where [were] hobgoblins
face of [im]pending destruction[,] and rode [had ridden]
swarming Arressgone[,] [e]merging
Thoruck yelled[,] circling [Hiss, his assistant, and Théoden, who were locked in mock combat.] his pupil and his assistant locked in mock combat.
in his guard[,]” Thoruck instructed[,] pushing his assistant Hiss aside and jumping into battle with Théoden[,] without missing a step.
stronger then [than]
down to them[,]” Thoruck said[,] bringing
western sky[,] peaking it’s [its] light
“In battle there are endless ways to die, but only one way to survive and that is to be ready for whatever may come and at the same time be unready. Do not wait for your enemy to do what you think he will. Attack, and if you must defend then defend what he does. Not what you hope he will do and then attack.” He said helping the boy to his feet.
[To clarify the instructions given in the above paragraph, I would suggest rewording it as follows: "In battle, there are endless ways to die," he said, helping the boy to his feet, "but only one way to survive. Be ready for whatever may come, but do not try to guess what your enemy will do. Wait until he does it, so that you may defend yourself accordingly." Note the placement of commas at the end of a quotation, and before "he said." For example, you would be correct to say, "...what you hope he will do, and then attack." He helped the boy to his feet. But where "he said" continues the sentence, you should use a comma and lowercase 'h' for "he said", thus: "...what you hope he will do, and then attack," he said, helping the boy to his feet.]
Hiss [agreed] enthusiastically agreed, “[d]emonss have
snake demon[,] looking much like the cobra snakes of the Olden Days[,] and standing
mortal clan[,] when he
Wolf clan just less than
Since then[,] he was [had been] made the training assistant of Thoruck[,] and
come at you[,] they
attacking with weapons[,] sometimes spells[,] but
sharp teeth[,]” Thoruck said[,] preparing for the next spar[r]ing
animal[,]” Théoden
Thoruck said[,] bringing
Hiss smiled just a little[,] seeing
Mother Nature and Thoruck were smart enough to know that[,] even though Théoden had the power of a mortal god[,] he was[,] after all[,] just a boy. And knowing that [this][,] they left his days free to do the things that boys enjoyed must [most].
A boy is not a boy[,] and for that matter a king is not a king[,] without friends[,] and Théoden had two and a half that where his best in the world.
those days have past [passed]
[At this point, I would suggest that you take some time to learn the use of the comma. Many of the sentences in this piece need to be broken down properly, for example:
"Not as well as a mortal boy[,] but enough of a vocabulary to keep the average one entertained[,] and Jack[,] as Théoden called him[,] had been entertaining the boy since his birth."]
new borns {newborns]
the two where [were] raised
Ruscal was the son of Dycom the head of the Elder Council and a powerful boy in his own right. Ruscal had been born just a week after Théoden and the two where raised almost as brothers and Sharon was a newcomer to the clan; adopted when her home clan had been destroyed under strange circumstances. Ruscal, a short boy for his age, had jet-black hair and a fair complexion but when it came to spells he was the quickest learner in the clan and had even been able to call upon his spirit animal, a grizzly bear, for almost a year. Sharon was ten with long brown hair and taller even then Théoden. After joining the clan she had quickly mastered the Lightening Bow and Daggers of Fire to the surprise of many of her trainers. [This is what's known as an info dump. Find creative and interesting ways to provide the reader with this information, using dialogue and interaction between the characters, rather than simply telling it all in this way.]
waters where [were] clear
ventured further then [than]
the swallows [shallows?]
stories of old past [passed]
I hope this review has been helpful.
Write on!
Oz.
"Those who don't have time to read, don't have the time or tools to write." - Stephen King
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