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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ladytiresias
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15 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Lady Tiresias
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
At the bottom is a review of your poetry. But, it was a very thought-provoking poem. Your subject matter is pretty intense and it got me thinking.
So, these are my own personal thoughts on the content of your poem. Please don't take anything offensively -- that is definitely not my intention. Feel free to ignore this bit, if you'd like (you could just skip to the bottom -- I wouldn't mind). Or respond if you feel like it, I could use a good poetry discussion! :

The 75gp reward is confusing, because I just assumed you wouldn't want any reviews from the message of the poem.

I'm very put off by the content. I feel like you must have encountered some terrible reviewers. I know there are many reviewers who do act like your poem has described, but I think your poem is too generalized. I see many reviews simply trying to be helpful and promote literary growth. I, personally, love blunt, to-the-point criticisms. Sugar-coating and "sadism" are what I see as the extremes. There is a wonderful and helpful area in between.

So, I guess I really wish the the title was more specific to the kind of reviewers you dislike, rather than all of them in general. Sorry if it seems like I'm ranting. I just wanted you to know that the title seems awkward at the least, possibly even offensive. Though, that may have been your intention. I do see the value of such a pointed and heated title. But, personally, I'm not a big fan of it.

Also, I like to make a distinction between cathartic poetry (bearing your soul as a form of relief) and poetry meant to be shared in any way. (Referring to "How can you really judge another one's art / When we open up our soul / To expose our heart "). When someone writes to relieve stress or get out emotions, it becomes incredibly personal and it is very hard to detach from the piece and view it objectively. I read an article about an innocent man on death row who wrote poetry. He summed this kind of poetry up beautifully:

"When Gilbert once suggested some possible revisions to his poems, he explained that he wrote them simply as expressions, however crude, of his feelings. 'So to me to cut them up and try to improve on them just for creative-writing purposes would be to destroy what I was doing to start with,' he said."

But, once the writer decides they want to reach others with their poetry, a whole new realm opens up. Suggestions regarding imagery, diction, grammar, rhythm, rhyme, etc., etc. are an attempt to enhance the communication between reader and writer -- so that they can genuinely experience the emotions you want them to and they leave the poem understanding the meaning that the writer wanted to get across. (Of course, not all reviewers think of their criticisms this way. Some are rather obtuse, preferring to think of one way as the "right" way. This is my own personal reviewing philosophy.) Definitely picking at the nuances of a cathartic and personal poem could be difficult to deal with. So what I do is I ask myself, "Is this poem for me, or others?" If it's for me, I don't share it (I've slipped up here before and revealed something too personal -- criticism can be harsh if you're not prepared for it). If it's for others, I let reviewers tear it apart after I've become sufficiently detached -- because I want to improve that communication with any readers.

-End random thoughts-


Now for the poem itself:

I like the food imagery. The "turkey" bit made me think of Thanksgiving, which was ironic and a nice bit of contrast. It all helped me picture sharp-toothed, evil reviewers digging into some poor writer's flesh.

The capitalization and punctuation bother me some. The capitalization seems sporadic. I'm not necessarily opposed to sporadic capitalization, but I prefer it to add something to the poem. Traditional grammar/punctuation in a poem lends a lot to readability -- which is good enough for most poems. Experimenting and playing with grammar/punctuation is great, just have a reason for it. For example, something when I write about rather depressing things from first person, I don't capitalize the letter "I" because I think it sends a message about self-doubt and self-deprecation. As a reader, I didn't see much justifications for the lines you did/didn't capitalize.

The same goes for the punctuation. I love to experiment with punctuation. :) While the lack of punctuation enhanced the flow of the poem and made the one period at the end seem very final, I think some other punctuation could strengthen your meaning. This doesn't mean commas all over the place or sticking something on the of each line. But don't forget that writers have a lot of punctuation tools to use. Dashes can make breaks slightly long, adding emphasis to the next line, as well as carrying over a previous thought. I'm a big fan of colons because they let me twist traditional sentence structures, avoid fragments, and leave more room for imagery description. Etc.

You're diction, though, seemed wonderfully pointed to me. I could really feel the power behind your words. :)

All my thoughts. Take them or leave them as you see fit. :) (Sorry this is so long).
2
2
Review of Still Fragile  
Review by Lady Tiresias
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is beautiful. I absolutely love it. Your story is told wonderfully. Your subject matter could have easily fallen into cliches, but instead you controlled it and made it your own. It's stunning.

The only suggestion I can think of for improving the poem is really just personal preference. You already have the same punctuation and grammar and prose, but your capitalization is off. I don't think you need to capitalize every line. Just proper nouns and the beginning of sentences. But, creative license exists for a reason! Feel free to keep it the way it is -- it is wonderful either way.

I hope I helped, and keep writing! :D
3
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Review by Lady Tiresias
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the story here. I really feel for the poor Old Lady.

I think you've got some really good rhymes, and they don't sound forced. However, your rhythm lets it down in some places. I think it would help if the rhyming lines had a more similar syllable count. Then the lines would develop a more natural rhythm and the rhmyes would be even more powerful.

As a reader, I stumbled over a few lines. "A semblance of past glory long past," was tough simply because of the repetition of "past". Perhaps "long gone" instead? You'd have to find a good rhyme for it. Alternatively, you could take out the first "past". I think the line would be fine without it. Also, I believe "Stripped you naked left, you bare," contains a typo. I would love that comma to be before "bare".

My favorite stanza was the last one. The rhyme and rhtyhm are executed wonderfully, and it is very emotionally powerful.

Overall, well done! I hope I helped, and keep writing! :)
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Review by Lady Tiresias
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I love this poem! Your diction is absolutely wonderful; the words flow together nicely and the words are remarkably concise. The second stanza is my favorite because of the well-woven alliteration, subtle rhyme, and strong rhythm toward the end.

I will say that a few lines stuck out some, though. There isn't anything really off-putting about "and obliged the renown applejack gleefully," I just think the line could benefit from one harsher syllable. You've got a long string of soft ones in that line, which doesn't quite seem to fit with the previous ones. For "also known for charity and altruism," the line just seemed a tad long. I think I would like it better without the "also" at the beginning.

The ending, "For, as Johnny Appleseed, eccentric nurseryman, / apple trees became his fame," gave me a little trouble as a reader. The structure is a bit convoluted and it's not really a complete thought. I don't mind sentence fragments at all (in fact I love them), but this one was just a bit hard to wrap my head around.

Overall, though, this poem was very pleasant. It reminded me of the nursery rhyme book I read when I was little, which was a very enjoyable tone.

I hope I helped and keep writing! :)
5
5
Review by Lady Tiresias
Rated: E | (3.5)
I'm new to this website, so I don't know all the formalities of giving a review here. But, I'm going to give it a shot. :P

I like the story you told here. It would be so easy to have the swimmer win and make a big triumphant finale. Or even to have him lose and go in a corner to mope. But instead, he lost and it was inspirational. That's a tough balance to strike, and you did so wonderfully.

Overall, though, I thought that I would have preferred the poem to be in first or third person. I don't personally identify with a swimmer or even a racer. I do identify with the message of keeping your head high through defeat. So I think you could have the same amount of emotional impact with a different POV without the awkwardness of trying to fit the reader in a strange pair of shoes.

Also, I think that perhaps you would have some stronger emotional impact if you cut down on your word count. For example, you could reduce "as you know this may be the final round" to "this may be the final round" and "You know now is the time to say goodbye," to "now is the time to say goodbye," etc. I think that in it's current form it reads closer to prose than poetry. This could just be personal preference, because a lot of wonderful poets write stuff that seems like prose to me. :p

I think your poem is wonderfully unique and pleasantly free of cliches. Thanks for sharing it and I hope I helped! :)
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