Elizebeth,
Congrats on getting an upgrade! ^_^ Perhaps now you'd have more space to store your writing, once you've transferred them from your head? I hope so, lol.
Now, on to the review for this short story:
Overall, I found this to be a nicely written piece of costruction, circling around the all too real, timeless and global problem of depression.
I also enojoyed it when you reminded readers in general how writing can be therapeutic (as illustrated when Julia wrote that poem).
And though I thought the story ended on a rather pessimistic note, I felt that inserting a moral/message as the finale made it a worthwhile read, definitely.
The description/action/reaction was all very realistic, too. Prompting me to deduce you've done your research well, or you know the subject matter very well (perhaps from close observation of people you know?). Cause(s) and effects(s) to this problem were well narrated/illustrated as well.
Imagery was dealt with deftly, too, I might add. ^_^ Allows for good desription, and enables the reader to imagine/see everything clearly in her mind's eye, which in turn tunes her in to the protagonist's POV and allows for better 'bonding'. One good example: But this sensation was a hot red flame, not that of which was cold and shallow when one’s foot falls asleep, which also uses contrast to better illustrate.
Good characterization, especially since you allow snippets of what Julia is feeling/thinking be shared with readers.
Thank you also for spacing out the paragraphs. This thoughtful format made online reading a breeze for my tired eyes.
Still, if you don't mind me pointing out, there were a few things that I didn't quite agree with.
One is the concern over the matter of consistency, especially in the use of pronouns. For example, in the very 1st paragraph, you made a generalized statement referring to the masses as "we/our/ours" (as in: We’ve all thought of how our deaths would affect other’s lives at one time or another). Then you changed it to "one's" (as in: Or tightly typing a rope around one’s neck to cut the breath from your very pain staking life). Then you changed it to "you/your/yours" again (as in: Or tightly typing a rope around one’s neck to cut the breath from your very pain staking life).
I'm not saying the transition of pronouns from "we" (earlier on in the same paragraph) to "I" (later on in the same paragraph) is wrong. Rather, this transition needs to be dealt with great precision and care. One suggestion would be putting in a clear division, perhaps different paragraphs. The 1st would deal with the "we", while the second would deal with the "I" (good choice, BTW - brings a more personal touch to the piece). This way, the transition is not as sudden, and readers will appreciate this gradual change/proper and logical division all the more.
Another aspect that needs careful attention is punctuation. As in: We’ve all thought of how our deaths would affect other’s lives at one time or another, other’s should've been others'. This is to keep things in order, to make it more consistent and in balance with the whole idea - it is necessary to pluralize it as all the other pronouns {like "we") here are in plural form.
Other than the apostrophe, I felt that commas need further attention, too, especially to clearly indicate/divide two separate phrases. In: When Karen spent time with Julia Shawn became frustrated and angry because she wasn’t with him, a comma should've been added so that the sentence would be: When Karen spent time with Julia, Shawn became frustrated and angry because she wasn’t with him. Otherwise, a reader might misunderstand it to mean that Julia's surname is Shawn. ^_^
Another aspect is ... what? I'm not very sure about this, but I suppose we could label it as 'indefinite article'??? To further clarify, When Julia was five and a half, her cherished father and beloved brother passed away in car accident would be better written this way: When Julia was five and a half, her cherished father and beloved brother passed away in {c:reda car accident.
One more thing to (re)consider is capitalization. In “cut me! Cut me!”, I believe it should've been "Cut me! Cut me!” instead.
All in all, this is a very good effort. Needs some tweaking here and there, but otherwise, all right. And please bear in mind that whatever I've written above stems from personal opinion. In the end, you - as the person who understands this short story the best - have the final say.
If unsure, it is always wise to check a dictionary or something to that effect (reminder for you and me, both ^_^). Then we'd find out that "abusiveness" in Vulgar insults and abusiveness were hard things to overlook and ignore should've been simply "abuse".
Keep up the good work, and thanks for sharing!
Laserfox, for:
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