A beautiful tribute to your mother indeed. Well written and beautifully constructed, bursting with love and remembrance, it would have done any mother proud.
I'm not sure why, but I had a sense that it was written by a focused, dry-eyed writer; still, this story more than succeeded in pulling a heartstring or two. Good job for achieving something some writers can only hope for.
A loss in the family is always tragic, be it expected or unexpected. But it is a wound that time, love, patience and perseverance can heal. We live in the here and now, let's make every second count. Let's apologize, appreciate and be there for our loved ones before time runs out.
Somehow, I prefer this poem to the previous one. Reason being, I can sense your sincerity and, I don't know, is it spontaneity? It's like, "Ah, now this sounds more like the real Sherri."
The rhyming scheme isn't as perfect as the other poem (Lines 3 & 4 in Stanza 1 here don't rhyme), but I'm willing to ignore it since I treasure the strength of your 'real' voice more.
To me, there are also references to overused ideas/concepts, or commercial pop / love songs everywhere, words/phrases like "(bought all the) lines", "(Played for a) fool", "(This is a) game (I won’t let you) win", "give my all to you", "help see you through" ... you get the idea. Upon reflection, I realized that you were using this to illustrate the stereotypical idealistic floating-on-air star-crossed-lover (etc.) naivete you had, before you discovered what was really going on, and reality set in.
Bravo for the realization, as depicted in the last 2 lines! You go, girl!
I really enjoyed reading this poem. All the best and thanks for sharing!
A dramatic poem, with a catchy title and description.
Good use of literary devices.
The rhyme's beat and tempo were consistent throughout. Personally, being such a klutz with rhyming meters and such, I know how difficult it is to maintain such.
The other thing I enjoyed was the effect of emphasis due to the repetition of the title in every stanza's first line.
Just one question: why the blue bold font? Was it to echo the "screaming" of the heart in Stanza 3?
I think this story has potential, but as it is, it seems incomplete. Please hurry and complete it! Another thing, you might want to indicate that this is a "draft" and not a finished piece of writing, so that readers are forewarned.
1 more thing, sorry I couldn't respond to your wonderful R&R last month; my time on the 'net is quite limited nowadays, I'm afraid. Pls forgive me ...
A good poem on a topic that's not covered often here. Overall, good poem structure, with some imagery and similes used to paint the picture and drive the message home.
Btw, sorry I couldn't respond to your R&R 2 months ago; my time on the net is limited.
Hope you've been sharpening your skills well during that time. Take care!
I'm here to return the wonderful R&R you gave me 2 months back. ^_^ Better late than sorry!
A wonderful and warm story, unpretentious and with layers of meaning. Yes, life is tough, but only to those who see it that way. To others, even if you only get to choose one: either coffee OR bread; either way, it is a delicacy that may not be tasted often.
Dreamer, I find that this is a wonderful poem to read aloud. It is plainly straightforward yet satisfyingly descriptive at the same time. I love the rhyme (swallow/sorrow(s)/narrow), but I enjoyed the imagery the most, for example His land is full of tulips ,big trees..swaying and dancing.
Unfortunately, the writing needs some editing. The subject is grave and serious, so I found using just the casual letter n in place of the proper word and a little too jarring and out of place.
Pass It On, this was very, very informative and helpful. A lot of information that I usually found scattered is all compiled neatly here in one center. Kudos to you!
Just one thing I might point out - think there's a typo in 'anthologies': How much should we expect to get paid for different items such as: poetry, anthrologies, short stories, articles, novels ect?
A riveting story with a twist at the end. I expected him to be a superhuman, then a vampire, but then it turned out all my guesses were wrong. Great!
Thoughts of Umberto Eco and the film 'Constantine' crossed my mind when I read this, but it's just because of the interlinked ideas, not the actual narration.
I like the way you made sure your sentences were crisp and detailed: easy to follow yet with all the information included to satiate the reader.
Technically, the punctuation needs looking into. But still, it did not really get much in the way of a story well told.
A very simple yet, perhaps because of that, highly effective poem.
Good imagery. Reading this, I can hear shouts alternating with laughter echoing in my brain. ^_^
Technically, there were a few grammatical inconsistencies, but I'm going to let them pass since I'm not sure whether they were done on purpose ("poetic licence") or accidental.
As usual, your words drip eloquence. Simple, thus easy to understand; straightforward with singular clarity, so it wouldn't be misunderstood; coupled with powerful imagery. For me, reading your poem was almost like looking at a photograph, so crystal were the descriptions.
Other than that, good use of literary devices: repetition (whispers) to drive the message home, rhyme to show relation {lingers/whispers), alliteration (cranberry crumbs). To me, the word selection was apt, too: most were soft, graceful and connote or convey or are connected to the idea of feminity (sweetly, cushions, lingers, whispers), relevant to the subject matter.
All these combine to heighten the emotional sense very well. I did not miss the irony: you discussed an inanimate object in the first stanza (place) as opposed to an animate one in the second (life), which itself speaks volumes.
Lol, this was pretty amusing for the most part. The dialogue especially seemed lighthearted and realistic enough, and contributed much to the comedy.
Storm's flying and sword-playing reminds me of Final Fantasy. Or the Fantastic Four (just the flying, not the sword thing). Considering that some of the characters' surnames are Storm (if I'm not mistaken). Hmm.
Just be careful of typos. I think you meant "duel" in Paragraph 1 when you said dual. And there were times when you forgot to use capital letters, as in the chapter title and the character's name, for example in: storm asked.
Another thing: watch out for curses, as in the final seventh paragraph. You have to keep it within the 13+ rate. If you need to keep it, please change the rating accordingly.
The action at times is too abrupt, and I feel you can build on the characterization more. Still, all in all, I enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for sharing! Take care and keep up the good work!
Regards
Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room Group
I appreciate the fact that you've injected something local (I assume) into your poem. It adds a colorful layer of pride, identity, belonging and ethnicity, not always in that order.
Because of this appreciation, I am willing to give this poem more credence, knowing that I will never understand the full weight of it due to meaning lost in translation.
Equipped with limited understanding, let me comment based on what little I get after reading this: it talks about national treasures (those that are natural), and the two-sided coins: life/immortality and death (mortality).
Hey there! Vincent, is it? Sorry it took me awhile to leave a review - been at ur port a few times but didn't have the chance to leave a note.
What do you mean, "Force yourself to laugh"? I loved this story (u sure ur just 14?)! But then, I guess I've always had a soft spot for dark comedies.
Deviously simple, falsely repetitious (if I didn't think the repetitions necessary, I'd have thought you lazy!), stringing the reader along till the admittedly satisfying end (in more ways than one).
Would have given you full marks, except for a few things I didn't get (mark you, I have been known to be slow on occasion):
- How could a single, plain, thin piece of $20 bill explode? Now if it was encased in an envelope or packet, it'd be easier for me to accept.
- Why would Fred tip Bill for bringing in the mail a minimum of $5 everyday (so it appeared to me)?
But then again, if you meant for the story to be mysterious, let's leave it at that.
Need some tweaking here and there (as do all our works), but overall, a very good job indeed. Kudos to you!
I'm returning the visit you made to my port on 20 March. Yes, it has definitely been a long time, but to make the story short, let's just say I have had no quality time over the 'net till now (am at the office even as I write this).
Congrats on securing an award for this poem. And written on the day after my brithday, too ...! How can i possibly find this poem anything but cleverly crafted and agreeable?
Good imagery. It is clear and straightforward, enabling the reader to visualize the setting/what's happening straight away.
I also enjoyed the literary/poetic licence in rearranging the logical sequence of words ... it is wisely done in a manner that doesn't result in confusion (at least, not to me) at all.
Just one thing I feel you might've overlooked: Athough in Stanza 2, Line 3.
All in all, I enjoyed reading this. Keep up the great work, as always, and all the best!
I also like stories that hint rather than tell, most times. Unfortunately, I'm not exactly Einstein and tend to be a little slow at picking up all the nuances the author meant for the reader, as in this case.
I get that the story is about death and the supernatural. And because your brief description asked Who is playing with whom?, and the fact that the very first line of the story was the guy saying, "You are playing with Death, woman.", I immediately assumed that:
1. Things are not as they seem (i.e. expect a twist).
2. An ironic twist at the end would be different from, if not in contrast of, what is implied in the beginning or the middle of the story.
Therefore, my conclusion was that it was actually the man who was playing with Death, personified by the mysterious woman (since there's no other character present).
This was supported by:
1. her ice-cold fingers
2. Her preoccupation with the pulsating part of the side of his neck, just below his ear
3. her teeth glinting in a broad grin
4. And of course, her mysterious statements like: "I know you.", "No man has commanded me before. You will not be the first to do so.", "I have always been here. You just haven't seen me.", and of course, the final double meaning line: "I guess you could say that. Be quiet now, and sleep."
But because she was still around when the pale dawn revealed clearly just how uncomfortable he felt with the experience, she can't be a vampire, as in the previous story. So what type of being is she exactly? A ghost? Death personified? This I just didn't get.
Still, I enjoyed the story nonetheless. Take care and all the best.
I love dark fantasies, and this was a good one with a delicious twist at the end, pun intended. ^_^
Good descriptions and characterisation, considering the limitations of a short, short story. Words and sentences are well selected, too, in accordance with the pace. For example, you used short sentences like Trapped! Cold when realizing this... to convey suspense and speed the pace up.
Technically well written, too - bravo! I couldn't find much to complain, except for the punctuation where dialogue is concerned; for example in: 'That wasn't too smart', Sheela whispered; and for the rather confusing format. Perhaps if you added some indents to signify the start of paragraphs?...
I applaud your courageous effort and the astounding success you've had so far. Keep it up! That's no small feat, I warrant; Simon or no Simon.
Technically, I find this to be a well written piece of writing, though I feel you might've overlooked A cellphone, pre-dailed to 911 (did you mean "dialed"?).
Thanks for sharing and all the best, online and offline!
A wonderful poem, though I preferred the darker and more jagged previous one. Mostly simplistic and straightforward, there do not seem as many layers here and so makes this one poem that is easy to follow and comprehend.
I also like the fixed rhyming scheme (well, most of the time, actually), and the well-maintained tone and pace you held throughout.
Overall, I found this quite well written. Still, there might've been several instances that you might've overlooked. For example, I think "undorn" was meant to be "unborn".
I enjoyed the rhyme, and also the fact that almost all lines circled around a pair of minor nouns/themes, for example "tears" and "night" in Line 1.
The words were well selected, too, in line with the general theme of abuse and hurt: "shattered", "broken", "darkness". On retrospect, each seem to be a 'metaphor' for the theme as well.
Well done! Thanks for sharing.
Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laserfox
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.24 seconds at 7:15am on May 02, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Take care.
Well, better late than never ...
Great!