Hello there, Chaos! Here are my general comments:
1) Good use of indents. Thank you for your kind consideration on readers' eyes.
2) I love prologues. I know some are opposed to this, but I feel this is a refreshing change in modern writing.
3) And as far as prologues go, this one is well-written, promising and tantalizing, for the most part.
4) Excellent characterization, thrown in with an enigma(tic plot).
5) Good descriptions. I can visualize everything clearly.
6) Italics. I’m sorry, but reading this, one of my first impressions was that you are too dependent on them. I understand the fact that italics are mostly used to stress, emphasize, guide, etc., or even indicate that it’s text copied from a letter, memo, etc., but some of the reasons behind the use of italics here is lost to me. An example is “coughing”. Furthermore, as italic is used to stress, highlight, or otherwise bring further attention to itself. Therefore, it only makes sense for it to be used sparingly, so that it might really stand out from the rest of the non-italics.
7) Use of tense. In one scene, the protagonist reminisces, but when he suddenly states: We were nothing but wanderers now, does he mean the present tense, or does he mean the ‘now’ in his memory (i.e. past)? I got a little befuddled here (don’t worry, that’s normal with me – just letting you know ), as the chronological sequence was a little confusing. My suggestion is to use present tense for ‘now’ (as in current time); if you still want to use past tense, then you may have to rephrase that line and avoid using ‘now’. Ah, another awkward sentence due to a similar nature: Or...did I have myself, only? I’m starting to wonder whether I should also incorporate the present tense in my meant-to-be-current-time writing, too.
8) Double-check typos. hankerchiefs should be “handkerchiefs”, and “never ending” ought to be “never-ending”.
9) Be careful of countable nouns. ‘A’ is unnecessary in a silence and a fury. Still, “A coldness” in A coldness we could no longer tolerate, I felt, is OK, as you’re personifying the element of coldness and, as such, are treating/considering it as a single (i.e. countable) entity.
10) I also felt that the sentence Nobody did, but it did needs to be rephrased/elaborated for clarity’s sake. The first “did” refers to people not believing the event would happen, while the second “did” (as it stands, readers might be misled into thinking the two ‘dids’ refer to the same thing) refers to the actual event that occurred.
11) You keep saying “they all” or “we all”. Try to keep it to a minimum as unnecessary and frequent usage of this type of “all” can cheapen the otherwise high quality piece.
12) Again, a matter of repetition. Though this has its benefits, I felt overuse should best be avoided, especially if it’s unnecessary. For instance, you mention “fist” many times, and this is just the prologue. This word perfectly conveys many images to the reader: helplessness, anger, regret, remorse, etc., but like a writer once said to me, “Less is more in fiction”. Try to be concise and precise whenever you can; use the same words sparingly, and try using various alternatives in turn. For example, “fist” can also be reworded as “hand”, “punch”, “clench”, “grip”, “vise”, “knuckles”, etc. depending on situation.
13) BTW, I have made some suggestions in the copied text below. These are indicated in bold. Areas where closer attention is needed are in red font.
Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this, you know. ^_^ And tho’ most of my comments are based on personal opinion, I still hope they help, in one way or another. All the best.
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