*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laserfox/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
Review Requests: OFF
125 Public Reviews Given
551 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... 1 -2- 3 ... Next
26
26
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Walkinbird,

I love the way you used the concept of 'flower' to play the role of metaphor, imagery, contrast (it embodies life, the opposite of "grave" or death), etc.

I enjoy seeing the many actions associated with it, too, like in "drawing flowers", "tight buds", "closed ones" and "open beautiful flowers come". I further appreciate the teaser you had beneath the poem's title: "My tribute did not flower until Grandma died".

There were a few awkward phrases, especially the final line, but I'm assuming this was purposely done in the name of poetic licence!

Finally, I hope the pain heals soon. Thanks for sharing and take care!

Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
27
27
Review of WRONGSTRONGBOX  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hahaha! Erlon, I thought this was a very funny poem. ^_^ Bravo!

I love the way you played with assonance and different combinations of the words wrong/strong/box. *Smile* There are other words that echo this form of assonance too, I think, including "longshot" and "open".

Elsewhere, rhyme/assonance/repetition is shown in "Took it / Shook it".

The simplicity and frankness evident throughout also sheds more light on the relationship, etc., of the two main characters, as well as hints at the protagonist and his foe-pretend-friend's school age.

Thanks for sharing! *Bigsmile*

Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
28
28
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Lol! ~jay, you goof! This is just plain right hysterical! Rotflol. *Wipes tears from eyes* I'm afraid I can't add my three words, it would definitely disrupt the mayhem other wise!

Oh, my ... I need to sit down. Thanks for the laugh, I needed that. *Smile*

Take care now!

Laserfox
29
29
Review of Diddlez  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work! *Bigsmile*

Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
30
30
Review of Never Alone  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sunkiss,

A good poem with an impactful ending! I was wondering where you were leading your reader at first, until I read the last two-lined stanza and found that the finale was somewhat surprising (tho' I should've seen it coming) and satisfying all the same.

Again, what I love about your poem are the imageries and descriptions. The logical sequence of the 'unraveling' of the story, so to speak, didn't hurt, either! *Wink*

I enjoyed reading your writing. Keep up the good work!

Regards
Laserfox
31
31
Review of The Rainbow  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (4.5)
Sunkiss,

Happy 17th birthday (a wee late, but still well-intended)!

Anyhoo, this is a wonderfully 'graphic' poem. Simple, descriptive and compact. I think you're describing - what do people call this again? - a Goth?

Good imagery. Reasserts the idea that one should never "judge a book by its cover".

Good play on contrasts, too. "Black" and "fair", and "black" and "rainbow", adding depths of meaning to this well-written piece.

Bravo!

Thanks for sharing,
Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
32
32
Review of Angela Torrenso  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Rainbowsglore,

Overall, although this isn't the kind of story I tend to read, I found this piece of short story technically well written.

I couldn't find anything major to comment on the grammar, either, except perhaps on the punctuation. For example, her's in: When the next class came, she felt the nervousness return when Pedro's gaze met her's should just be hers without an apostrophe.

All the best.

Regards
Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
33
33
Review of Uncomfortable  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Maria,

A wonderful poem! ^_^ The words brought such clarity to me. The imagery was striking, and I thought your use of simile was awesome!

I like the way you give simple, everyday examples that people can really relate to, which makes the final stanza much more meaningful and impactful.

Keep up the great work! *Bigsmile*
34
34
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Joe.

Again, another well written piece. A beautiful metaphor for those of us who walk the lone path. But still, isn't it supposed to be "no man is an island"?...

And as such, a great happy ending is in sight. Yay!

By the way, it would help if you do something with the visual presentation to make it appear more attractive to readers. *Wink* And why do you use the capital letter for 'It' in Unwilling to move or to help itself, It began to wither away slowly, when you don't in other places? This I didn't get.

Anyhoo, do keep up the great work, OK? Oh, and btw, thank YOU for the wonderful GPs! ^_^

Regards,
Laserfox
35
35
Review of The Run  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Joe,

A truly wonderful read. The experience was effortlessly smooth, exhilarating and invigorating, all at the same time. The first sentence was so effective, it allowed me to bond with the protagonist almost automatically and without me even realizing it in the first place myself.

Technically, this is a very well-written piece.

I like the detailed almost minute-to-minute report of what's happening. This allows us to 'see' the imagery more clearly, to 'feel' what the character is undergoing better, and consequently, create a 'rapport' with him.

It is especially enjoyable when, at the end, I find that this is just not a sports narration but rather, a metaphor, not just for anyone in general, but for you, the writer, in specific.

I hope you reach your goal, sooner or later. All the best. *Smile*

Laserfox
of the
Reader's Review Room
36
36
Review of Hidden Lies  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Viv,

This is a well thought out and well written story. Clever and witty, with a test and a moral intertwined within it, the part I loved best was the final paragraph, when we find out that Mrs. Dodson is the 'Momma' (a twist delivered in the simple, final, four-word sentence! Wonderful! ^_^) and that the second marriage was a wonderful enough experience/memory to evoke a laugh of delight from Austin.

Nevertheless, if you don't mind me saying it, and because I'm having so much problem with it myself, I find the dialogue a little melodramatic. This is just my POV, mind you, so feel free to refute. I tried reading some of the dialogue aloud, for example, Karen's “You could never tell me anything that would change my love for you, Daddy, nothing.” It sounded a little stilted and did not reflect a modern woman of her times who has finally come home to see her dying father. It also sounded opposed to Roger's more realistic “Phil, quit being an ass. Sit down and be quiet.”

It's OK when it comes from Austin, who belongs to the 'old school', so to speak, but not from his children. Suggestion: how about adding a period drama slant to it? The 'grieving' mansion can assist greatly in creating this feel/image, I believe.

But then that's just my $0.02 worth, anyway. *Blush*

Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. Thank you so much for sharing, and all the best! *Smile*

Laserfox of the Reader's Review Room
37
37
Review of Whoops!  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Lol! A clever satire, though on a rather classic take, I must admit. Using bacteria as a metaphor for human beings is really tongue-in-cheek.

Keep up the great work!
38
38
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Cool! A difinitive article on this wonderful genre. Although, I believe instead of 'Short Story', it should be categorized as an essay or article.

Technically well written on top of being factually informative, too. Keep up the good work!

Laserfox
of the Reader's Review Room
39
39
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Giltine, this is a sad story, and I feel pity as well as remorse for the young protagonist. To go through her life in such agony, and having nobody to understand her or allow her to unburden herself after the demise of her twin sister, even up to her final moment on earth.

Technically, this is a well narrated story. It moves along smoothly and effortlessly, using short, simple and straightforward sentences to retain the reader's interest till the very end.

The character is well rounded, due mostly to the fact that we're given glimpses into her mind. She is compelling, speaking straight to the reader even in the throes of death.

Just edit some grammatical incosistencies here and there (for example, 'effecting' in Effecting me most of all was her loneliness should be affecting), and you'll do all right. *Smile*

Keep up the good work and thanks for sharing!
40
40
Review of The New Kitten  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, Marty!

I'm finally back to pay you the promised visit (I haven't forgotten *Wink*).

A wonderfully heartfelt story, all the more so because it is from a page of your life's diary. Sincere, moving and straightforward, it was a joy to read.

The depiction of exuberance and excitement of your grandchildren from when they were helping you choose the kitten right up till when you got home was realistically amusing enough for me to chuckle. But it was the part where Daniel thought you were calling "Ming" 'mean' that made me laugh.

Thechnically, I couldn't find much fault with your writing either. Except perhaps, if you don't mind me pointing, in: We got all of the required things ready that is need for a kitten, which should've been We got all of the required things ready that is needed for a kitten.

Hopefully you've come to grips with Vegas' demise. True, no being can replace him, but that doesn't mean others shouldn't be given the opportunity to be loved either. And Mikito, due to its meaning, seems to be a suitable name for the 'prince' indeed.

Thanks so much for sharing the stories closest to your heart with us here! ^_^ Take care!

Regards,
Laserfox
41
41
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lol!

I loved this, Katrina! Reminds me of the silly poems my friends and I came up with in school, too!

Simple, silly, funny and straightforward, I couldn't help but find this endearing and cute. *Laugh*

Take care and keep up the good work!

Reminiscing and chortling with glee,
Laserfox
of the Reader's Review Room
42
42
Review of An Angel On Earth  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Harry, a truly wonderful poem! ^_^ Your wife must be proud to be immortalized in this way. *Smile*

Sincere and heartfelt, yet extremely well written at the same time ( *Wink* that is, emotional vs. technical), it possesses a good chronological order and logical sequence that makes it easy to follow.

The opening stanza, with its repetitions of over, struck me speechless for a while at the linked yet totally different actions they refer to: guard over, worry over, laugh over, shed tears over.

Well balanced and musical/rhythmic rhyming scheme, tying every two stanzas together, creating a harmonious flow of continuation.

And though I was expecting the finale, the final line still surprised me speechless, tying everything up so nicely and with such finality.

OK, Harry. I hope you get what I've been trying to say so far. All the best, and keep up the brilliant work using the strong and evident talent God has gifted you. *Wink* Take care.
43
43
Review by Laserfox
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, a great poem, Elycia! ^_^

What strikes me more is the underlying/deeper meaning rather than the technique and presentation of this item. I love the theme(s): overcoming obstacles and learning something in the process, transition from past to present/future, from ignorance to being knowledgeable, from childhood/naivete to maturity, from fantasy/dream to reality.

Still, the various literary devices u used to add colour to this piece wasn't lost on me either. *Wink* Let's see what I came across:

- Repetition: to see a star / The star is far away. Used for reminding, stress, emphasis.

- Rhyme / Assonance: star / ajar; find / blind. Adds a musical lilt and a welcome auditory touch to this piece.

- Metaphor: the beauty queen

Well written for the most part, the only thing I felt u might've overlooked was the last line: And I needed my future told.

I hope my well-intended comments help as I see the potential for this piece to shine brighter, if u'd continue polishing it. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
44
44
Review of Surface Lure  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Mong, terribly sorry that it took me awhile to reach here, but ta-dah! Here I am!

A careful and shrewdly constructed piece, you had me from the word "Cold", reeling me in slowly to the last sentence "More to come...". Arghhh! I knew you mentioned it wasn't completed as of yet, but to tantalize me by dangling this suspense carrot in front of my nose ... I crave a satisfactory ending!

Anyway, theatrics aside, I enjoyed your style of writing. You dish out details, but in small, swallowable doses, one at a time (I still feel like a donkey being led by a carrot stick, tho' *Wink* ). Sentences are simple, short and straightforward; easily understood and hence puts some sort of hypnotic spell on the unsuspecting reader, ensuring s/he reads one word after the other, plodding along slowly but surely, forgetting all else but this piece.

I also liked the way you used questions, carefully peppered here and there only at the right intervals, to build up suspense as well as 'hook' the reader in some more. S/he knows there is no other option but to read forward in order to unearth those desired answers.

Repetition was also used to deliver a similar punch. Good.

Descriptions were captured in crystal: I loved the imagery especially, incorporating a variety of sensory perceptions/stimuli.

Dialogue, oops, monologue is also very realistic, and hence, enjoyable. Same goes for the slow yet progressive memory recall, the protagonist's (who, as far as I can tell, is a pretty well-rounded character, too!) gradual perception/reaction of/to his conditions, etc.

Are his conclusions valid, tho'? I'm starting to wonder where ur heading with this piece. Something tells me not to be fooled by appearances, tho' ... so I'm predicting a totally unsuspecting twist to this piece. *Bigsmile*

Keep me updated on this one, Mong! I want to read more.

All the best, and thank you very much for pointing this out to me! *Smile*

45
45
Review of - BOSPHORUS- 2  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Popcorn Joy, things seem to be picking up and moving right on track for Sara! ^_^ I can hardly wait to know what's in store for her at the boarding school. *Smile*

So here are my comments for this week:

1) Good writing on the most part! ^_^

2) I appreciate the spaced-out paragraphs. It’s friendly to my tired eyes.

3) Astounding imagery, that is crystalline yet simple, stays at the background and not intrusive at the same time. It doesn’t only deal with just the sense of vision, but utilizes other sensory perceptions (that are more commonly neglected in writing) as well. Adds tons of realism and satiates the curious reader’s thirst for details.

4) Good metaphors used in the scene at the beach - first with the gulls, then with the waves. *Wink*

5) Groovy personification, too! ^_^ I especially loved: The north wind snarled into her eyes and thrust its fist through her coat.

6) Still, you might want to pay closer attention to pronouns, though. For example, in: sara shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the kitchen. Even during those times she yelled at Sara, Lamia always kept her distance from her, and Sara noticed that with irony., readers might misunderstand who “she” is. As Sara was the only person mentioned right before the pronoun, it took me a second before I realized “she” here was not referring to her, but to Lamia, actually.

7) One more item I’d like to bring your attention to is the use of “snorkel” in: With his red and brown fisherman’s knit cap and his unshaven olive cheeks, a lanky figure in an unzipped snorkel stood in front of her. A snorkel is a breathing apparatus, and the ones I’ve used don’t have zippers. Perhaps you’d like to consider an alternative word, like “anorak”, “jacket” or even “wetsuit” (though the third is funny, since the guy’s a fisherman, and not a frogman)?

8) And though it’s no major thing, you might want to be more careful of punctuation (especially commas), as a misplaced or absent mark can misrepresent the intended meaning, especially when it comes to separating different clauses.

9) Watch out for typos. “Ma’m” should’ve been “Ma’am”.

10) Consistency should best be maintained, too. For example, when talking about cleanliness, ‘apartment and ‘room’ are singular, so why is ‘houses’ plural? The apartment looked sterilized after the maid left. Sara believed that a certain sadness littered the too-clean homes. They were isolated, untouched, unused. Not Sara’s room; she took care of it her style.

Hope my feedback, for what it's worth, helps. OK - I'm off to post some more in the Fiction Forum. Keep on writing and have a nice day! *Smile*
46
46
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Chaos, I believe you have a potential bestseller in your hands. Really! ^_^

With some hard work and determination (plus some help to smooth out the wrinkles here and there, of course ^_^), this promises to be a great read indeed!

BTW, sorry I didn't check out the folder description before. Now I did, I'm glad. At least now I know more about the protagonist (I don't recall her strange yet exotic name being mentioned in the prologue), and hope to 'bond' more with her enigmatic and highly interesting persona soon. *Smile*

Take care!
47
47
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there, Chaos! Here are my general comments:

1) Good use of indents. *Smile* Thank you for your kind consideration on readers' eyes.

2) I love prologues. I know some are opposed to this, but I feel this is a refreshing change in modern writing.

3) And as far as prologues go, this one is well-written, promising and tantalizing, for the most part.

4) Excellent characterization, thrown in with an enigma(tic plot).

5) Good descriptions. I can visualize everything clearly.

6) Italics. I’m sorry, but reading this, one of my first impressions was that you are too dependent on them. I understand the fact that italics are mostly used to stress, emphasize, guide, etc., or even indicate that it’s text copied from a letter, memo, etc., but some of the reasons behind the use of italics here is lost to me. An example is “coughing”. Furthermore, as italic is used to stress, highlight, or otherwise bring further attention to itself. Therefore, it only makes sense for it to be used sparingly, so that it might really stand out from the rest of the non-italics.

7) Use of tense. In one scene, the protagonist reminisces, but when he suddenly states: We were nothing but wanderers now, does he mean the present tense, or does he mean the ‘now’ in his memory (i.e. past)? I got a little befuddled here (don’t worry, that’s normal with me – just letting you know *Wink* ), as the chronological sequence was a little confusing. My suggestion is to use present tense for ‘now’ (as in current time); if you still want to use past tense, then you may have to rephrase that line and avoid using ‘now’. Ah, another awkward sentence due to a similar nature: Or...did I have myself, only? I’m starting to wonder whether I should also incorporate the present tense in my meant-to-be-current-time writing, too. *Smile*

8) Double-check typos. hankerchiefs should be “handkerchiefs”, and “never ending” ought to be “never-ending”.

9) Be careful of countable nouns. ‘A’ is unnecessary in a silence and a fury. Still, “A coldness” in A coldness we could no longer tolerate, I felt, is OK, as you’re personifying the element of coldness and, as such, are treating/considering it as a single (i.e. countable) entity.

10) I also felt that the sentence Nobody did, but it did needs to be rephrased/elaborated for clarity’s sake. The first “did” refers to people not believing the event would happen, while the second “did” (as it stands, readers might be misled into thinking the two ‘dids’ refer to the same thing) refers to the actual event that occurred.

11) You keep saying “they all” or “we all”. Try to keep it to a minimum as unnecessary and frequent usage of this type of “all” can cheapen the otherwise high quality piece.

12) Again, a matter of repetition. Though this has its benefits, I felt overuse should best be avoided, especially if it’s unnecessary. For instance, you mention “fist” many times, and this is just the prologue. This word perfectly conveys many images to the reader: helplessness, anger, regret, remorse, etc., but like a writer once said to me, “Less is more in fiction”. Try to be concise and precise whenever you can; use the same words sparingly, and try using various alternatives in turn. For example, “fist” can also be reworded as “hand”, “punch”, “clench”, “grip”, “vise”, “knuckles”, etc. depending on situation.

13) BTW, I have made some suggestions in the copied text below. These are indicated in bold. Areas where closer attention is needed are in red font.

Thanks for sharing. I really enjoyed reading this, you know. ^_^ And tho’ most of my comments are based on personal opinion, I still hope they help, in one way or another. All the best. *Smile*
48
48
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Eliot,

A wonderful ending, tying up what happened (20 yrs ago, am I right?) to the present, a study of cause and effect, of past vs. present/future, of ignorance (is bliss)/innocence vs. innocence 'lost', of wish/hope and regret.

Technically, this was a wonderful write, and as poetic as all your poems.

Abundant with devices, personification (It flies in the machines of war), were some that I identified.

Just be careful of typos, like an student, and also of punctuation, as in And for many[insert a comma here] it has the same theological dimension.

Write on! *Smile*

Laserfox
of the RRR
49
49
Review of Rescue  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Eliot,

Wow. Just wow.

It started off misleadingly neutral, simple and unassumingly unpromising, but the surprise and powerful twist at the end (the whole of the satisfyingly explanatory final stanza) - despite the hint in the title and item description - came as an unexpected punch that left me reeling.

Tho' longer and somewhat meandering than some of your tighter and more intact poems, I appreciate the fact that the details, lightly peppered here and there, are mostly subtle, hinted at and complement/assist in the pace, direction, plot and presentation, rather than shout and draw the focus away.

In terms of effect, this is what I understand (tell me if I got the meaning wrong, 'K?):
- This poem was based on your own painful experience, of your father's demise at age 55.
- The 1st 4 stanzas were what you wished had happened, instead of the actuality.

If that is so, pls accept my deepest condolences. I'm sorry to know the pain, tho' somewhat manageable now, is still there after all this while. I can't help but 'get' this from your poem.

Take care.

Best regards,
Laserfox
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
50
50
Review of Dusk  
Review by Laserfox
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
DawnMarie,

A concisely clear, deceptively simple, no-frills no-nonsense poem. Made alive with many lit. devices (if memory serves me right) like rhyme, alliteration, onomatopoeia, imagery, and repetition, among other things.

BTW, I'm really sorry you feel this way about dusk, lol. Is it just during summer? Hopefully things have turned for the better since then.

Keep up the good work! *Smile*

Laserfox
for:
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
54 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 3 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laserfox/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2