My favorite part was the last line. I thought the wording there was pretty powerful. Overall, your vocabulary was great. Personally, I think the poem could be improved if you spent more time focusing on the emotions of the players like you do at the end. The beginning reads a bit more like an explanation than like a poem. I'd love some more insight into those feelings. What does "apoplexy" look like and feel like in those moments? It's a very cool idea and a great start. I don't think I've ever read a poem about this before. Great job!
I love the image of the bowl that you chose to write about here, and the idea that life can affect matter and imbue it with new meaning and value. I'd say you need to work on the structure of your poem though, the beginning feels too factual and descriptive in a way that doesn't add to the overall meaning of the poem.
I like the image that you paint, however, it does feel at times as if this poem is very conscious of it's status as a poem. What I mean by that is that by talking about the symbolism and using words like "hence," it feels more constructed than emotional or genuine. My favorite part was the rhyme of deceased and released. I thought it added an emphasis there which worked well.
I enjoyed the final line of your poem- there's something powerful about it. Your writing is best when you find a rhythm within each line, like: a wounded soul in a world so cold. It almost sounds like a song lyric there- in a good way. However, I think it might make this poem even better if you tried to use a few less cliches, they tend to take away from the raw emotion a bit.
I like this concept. It's quirky and unexpected to think of ants as falling in love, and the idea that there could be a slacker ant with no "sugar" is amusing. The only not I have would be that the line "we were ants" - though it helps reader understanding, feels slightly out of place because the rest of it is from the male ant's perspective- we are directly in his head- and that probably isn't something that he would be thinking in that moment. Just something to consider. Overall, I really liked the concept and the execution.
This was interesting, so thank you for sharing your thoughts about such a personal experience. I was initially interested in this article because the psychological effects of solitary confinement has interested me since I first read my favorite book- the Count of Monte Cristo years ago. However, I found your response also compelling because it made me consider the way our environments serve to affect our productivity.
This is interesting. I sort of wish that it continued a bit further. The current ending is dramatic, but I guess it isn't exactly self explanatory how you could see yourself behind the door of knowledge and it would drive you insane. Perhaps if Marc questioned him, the reader could also get more details on this idea. I'm interested in finding out more from what you have here.
I found this story interesting. I suppose at first I was questioning why neither of these two people could figure out that they liked each other, but it sort of all came together at the end. Also, I enjoyed the way that the title- which can sometimes be a cliche- was given a new twist by the fact that it is literal in your story. I feel like I would like to hear more about these two characters, which to me, is a good thing.
I found this poem intriguing, but I'm not entirely sure that I got the point of the two people going different ways. It seemed as though something was going to happen that would cause them to crash (a car crash maybe?), but it was somewhat confusing since the people were not driving but walking in opposite directions. I understand that it was just a metaphor for collisions of fate, however, I found myself getting a bit bogged down in the ambiguous details. My favorite part was the comment about donating your organs prematurely. I feel like it's something that people don't usually like to think about- that little bit of their license, because it really does draw our minds to the fact that we could die at any time.
I found this story very interesting. My favorite part was the idea of grief embodied as a man, and not just a man, but a handsome and comforting man. It's actually a really compelling idea, and I feel like if you wanted to, you could develop this into a longer story where a woman actually falls in love with grief. It's kind of inspiring, so thank you for sharing this!
This story had an interesting concept. However, I think that perhaps before she turns into a cat, she shouldn't be described as acting like a "cat that has seen a ghost" or anything that explicitly links her with a cat. It would make the transformation more dramatic. I also think that there is an interesting back story which is kind of implied here, but which left me kind of confused. He shot her with a bow and arrow? Is he cupid? Or was she a cat when he shot her? But then... wouldn't he know she was a cat? It's a bit confusing, but interesting, and I think the reader would benefit from hearing more about it.
I enjoyed the rhyme scheme of your poem- it added a sing-songy quality that is often found in childrens' rhymes, which I think made it creepier. I think the end is particularly strong in this way.
My only constructive advice would be that occasionally it feels like the wording is a bit off to make it rhyme better. Work on the wording a bit, but the concept and overall effect are great!
I really appreciated your poem- especially the beginning with the nature imagery and the "evergreen eyes". That was my favorite line.
The part that I thought perhaps could use a bit of tweaking was the stanza with the oyster and pearl. (just because technically "oyster" is singular and "their" is plural). Also, I feel like you can maybe make it even stronger by coming up with a simile that is slightly less well-known.
Overall, a really nice poem, and I loved the repetition and the switch of the final line in the last stanza. Nice Work!
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