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Review of The First Year  
Review by Maxamilium
Rated: E | (1.0)
Hi, this is Maxamilium here... here are some hints that might help you... you could start with the first line... It was the first day of school as Grace sat in her English class... you need more of a fluid motion while dicribing events, no need to include all small detail; if you insist on doing so, do it in fluid motion.. for example...Grace spelled it out very carefuly even as the teacher named the last of the students... Grace ventured through her classes returning to her dorm around 3:10...don't use her name or the same line over and over again...example.(Grace got back to her dorm)try..returning to her dorm in the late hour Grace... or...returning to her dorm in the late hour, the young lady... ("It's a beautiful day outside. We should take a walk." Kyle said) try this... "It's a great day; do you want to take a walk?" inguired Kyle in a none intrusive way. ("Well I just started a conversation with Faith." Grace said back.")try this... "Well at the moment I'm on-line with a friend!" rebuted Grace. no need to include Faith's name since Kyle and GRace just met and would'nt know who Faith is anyway... to many (they, then, and Grace, ect... please change the stucture and the way you phrase the story... I give this story a low rating not to discorage you, but merely to incorage...GOOD LUCK TO YOU... if you wish to see how I structure my stories, see Lebelmiky... or Maxamilium on this site... see you next time Max.... again Good luck and keep writing...
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