This is a very evocative poem about (I presume) the end of humankind. And the "she" I'm guessing, is the moon? Wonderful imagery. I will need to read it several times to take in all its nuances. Yes, we should know, we do know, yet we choose to live on, in feigned ignorant bliss. Again, thank you for sharing.
Wow, such beautiful poetry I am reading tonight. The use of repetition is very effective here. The rhyme and rythm is excellent. Nice flow, no spelling mistakes. Such a steadfast love is easily felt here. The tenth stanza is my favourite. No improvement needed. Thank you for sharing. Cat
Oh yes I love this one too. "grass fire, driven by the wind" & "licking up the edges", wonderful imagery. This is a very inciteful poem. Dancing in the moonlight, studying revolution by kerosene light. Yes, me too, arrest me as well. When a poem evokes such excitement, then you know, you have hit the nail on the head. Thank you again. Cat.
Yes, I can feel it! I am there. Thanks for the hint on reading it aloud, but I always do. Loved it! Such imagery. Such sound. Thank you. More, more, Just one thing - in the first line, should it be "dumped in buckets, buckets of water" rather than "dumped in buckets of buckets water"? Makes more sense to me that way, but that's just me.
Thank you for sharing. Cat
I like the sentiment contained in this poem. Interesting repetition of the theme of no one. For me, there is a two fold meaning here. One speaks of the power of one, if only we try. The second is that we are indeed all one and if we recognised that, there would be no war, no difference and nothing to fight for. Thank you for sharing.
I like this poem. It tells of one person's heartfelt love for another. Good rhyming and flow. Good use of words for imagery. The second line in the first stanza is a little sticky for me. It doesn't quite make sense (for me that is). I was wondering maybe wording it something like "Do you wonder at all, what we'd find to do?". Also first line, second stanza, I thought if you added "all" between "would" and "go" that would make the rythm work better. But that's just personal preference I guess.
The last stanza leaves the reader with a question and some mystery. Why will they part after spending a day of bliss together and why is he sure that when they rejoin, they will never part?
Wow. I really like this story. It held my attention and I want to know more. You have painted an excellent picture of the characters in your story. The plot is original and interesting. There are a few spelling mistakes throughout but when you're rushing to get the story down that happens.
In the beginning when you have Carly drinking wine, that contradicts current laws regarding youth and alcohol. However I'm guessing that the setting is in the future as it all seems a little weird for the present time. Maybe you could make it clear to the reader what time the story is set in. But definately keep going as it is a great story and I for one would like to know what happens, so drop me a line when you have done some more.
Cheers Cat
This is an interesting poem. Likening a long journey in life to a football game. Some interesting imagery you have come up with. The third last line starting with "And claim this remark", threw me off track for a bit, and I'm not sure that it is really necessary. It disrupts the flow of the poem for me and doesn't quite make sense. I think you could leave it out all together. But that's just me. Also for me, I think it would be good if you could tie the end back in with finishing the journey, as that was the point of the poem to start with, not so much about scoring. Great flow and imagery. Thank you for sharing. Cat.
This is a beautiful short story containing a pearl of wisdom for all of us. It is a very descriptive piece which made me wish that I too could see this beautiful picture painted by a wise 5 year old.
The story flows well and keeps the reader engaged. There is one little error in the fourth paragraph on the seventh line - the word 'was' between 'summer' and 'starts' should not be there as it does not make grammatical sense.
Other than that I can see no room for improvement. Thank you for sharing.
Catherine
I love the sentiment contained in this poem. It is true that life is what you make it. It might be nice to change some of the lines around a bit so they don't start the same way, so that you create a little more light and shade, but that's just me. Keep writing beautiful poems from the heart.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/leonian
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:15pm on May 05, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
