Hi there, I found your review on the "items seeking detailed reviews" page. So I thought I'd take a look.
Keep in mind that this is my opinion and you have every right to disregard it if you wish.
Initial Thoughts: For such a short story there was a lot to the plot. I could see this expanded into a short story, as well as a potential novel. If you like the idea of expanding you very well could pull it off.
POV: You kept with third person, and didn't switch to 1rst.
You did switch to different characters though.
The point of view (POV) switched a lot for such a short story, and it made it difficult to track what was happening while reading. A way to clarify would be to use the third person limited POV, instead of omniscient. 1rst person would work well too.
Characters: With so few of words it's hard to develop character. You did a good job for so few of words though.
Mikhaila came off as ruthless, Adino was pretty bright. It was a shame that he died, and poor Theresa, there would be no Adino coming back home.
Since this is a such a short story, having 3 characters is one thing, but focusing on each one can take away from the scene you're trying to create. Try and focus on Adino(I assumed to be the protagonist) or if you wanted you could switch it up and focus on Mikhaila.
Also, when a person dies they are said to see the "life flash before their eyes" why not show us that instead of going back to baby Adino and Teresa?
Overall: You're off to a great start when it comes to flash fiction. The plot was interesting, and your story has potential. Just keep in mind what you're working with, and try to compensate for that. I hope to see your work in the future.
(Rating explanation: Since these are thoughts, I didn't want to rate them. It forces me to rate so I put the highest)
When I read this it wasn't vague, and I understood what I was reading. It felt complex as well.
With these thoughts I believe you could create an interesting work. Lyrics, poetry, a story. Whatever you wish.
I hope you keep writing, and expand on this idea.
Thoughts: Your poem reminds me of something I would hear an older sibling say to their younger brother or sister on Halloween. Or possibly a stranger who wishes to be frightening. It isn't frightening, but I don't think you meant it to come off that way. The poem was dry, but it can be improved. I liked the cadence of it, and it was nice to read.
Errors: Grammatical error in the 4th stanza, 3rd line. And you find that your(you're) home now.
Suggestions: Why not make it frightening? It could give it some spunk, or emotion.
Note: Keep in mind that these are just my thoughts and suggestions. You can ignore them if you wish.
Keep writing because all you've got to look forward to is improvement.
Thanks for reading.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lighthning
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 5:24pm on Apr 29, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
