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26
26
Review of The Last Job  
Review by Lin
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Lauriemarie
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


You have written a clever tale. The work was good, nicely written, and holds the readers attention. It has a few very little flaws, and if you clean them up, you will have a very well done short story.

The first stop came at the phrase, "bouillabaisse-soaked deer". bouillabaisse, as fish stew, would have a heavy scent - so I understand what you are trying to say here. Keep in mind that bouillabaisse is incongruent to wolves or deer.
There are any number of ways you can express this 'predator to the prey' attraction, without using prepared foodstuff. Wolves are attracted to the scent of fear.

The voice of Frank is telling this story. In the end, we don't really feel badly for Frank, but the reader is left wondering about the young lady's step father. After all, Frank killed two teen aged girls. He was hired by one of the girl's stepfather. The reader has no reason to feel sympathy to either of these men, and there is not enough substance to build up this cold blooded murder of a teen in a shopping mall. We also don't know anything about Jody's mother or the family of her friend. I can understand that in order to sway the reader's sympathy toward a killer, we must not acquaint the reader to those who would suffer a loss of their innocent child.

I feel that more background is needed to be conveyed to the reader. Frank may not care to know, but the story will pull the reader in with this kind of detail. It's okay to make the girls more human to the reader. It's okay to put in background about Jody's stepfather and why he wants to have her murdered.

You have a good story here. And you have touched upon all of the basics. Now go over it to see if the story does what you intended for it to do. I feel that this piece can really fly with a little more work. All of the answers are in your head.

I would like to read this again if you revise it, and of course, I will re-rate and review it if you like.

Nice job, Laurie Marie. Now roll up your sleeves and put your heart into building up the substance and detail that this story needs. You won't be sorry to have done this. Let your family and friends tell you what pops into their heads when they read it. What questions do they have when they put it down. Do they think about if Jody has a mother? Do they wonder what happened to Joe?

It will point you in the right direction, and you can decide what you want to build into this work, and what you would rather leave out.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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27
27
Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Anthony,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Anthony, your short story does have an interesting twist at the end. When I started, the story had the feeling of a typical "dark and stormy night" type of thing. You brought out the fear in the brother who is the voice of the piece, but, I wondered why the little brother is oblivious to the same spooky phantom. So it really was a surprise twist. It was short, to the point, with a simply stated epilogue.

I found one error with your second sentence.

"My room and the house was dark, ebony dark." "was" should be "were". You are speaking of two things, your room and the house, so "they were dark" would be correct rather than "they was dark"

Yours is a succinct and nicely done short story with a redeeming ending that deserves not to go unnoticed.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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28
28
Review by Lin
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello Brokensong,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


You have written a comedic short story about being "not so" mechanical.
It is well written, concise and funny. You have put in little laughs throughout the work. I think that everyone can relate in some way to your little tale.

I could picture you wrapping up all the parts in the towel and quickly stashing it in the kitchen trash. But when Stephanie had no mercy in her eyes, I laughed out loud at your description of your uncomfortable situation.

You have done a good job with this. Now that you know that you are not Mr. Fix-it, it appears that everything has settled down for you.

This is good work, a nice read, with smiles along the way.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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29
29
Review of Time  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Do re mi,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


This is a lovely short story, and hit home for me. I have two adult daughters and three grandsons. My youngest child is my only son, and is 11. I enjoy every minute with him, because time slips by so quickly.

The work is well written, clearly stated and as so familiar. It brings all those feelings of pride and loss off the page and into the heart.

There are a couple of typos, and once fixed, there are no stopping points.
"Of course like the old fashioned skirt and shirtwaist she has to wear for her other scenes, it was just a costume for a play. But I suddenly..." I have added a comma after "scenes" and a period at the end of "play".

"...where we will give her over to some young man who had better be good enough for her!" I have added "had" between "who" and "better" to correct the grammar.

I hope the corrections will work for you. Although the addition of "had" corrects the grammar, if you talk the way the sentence is written, it is okay to keep it the way you had it.

You invited the reader into your home and your heart with this, and it is more than a good read, it is a shared experience that teaches us that we all must enjoy every minute with our loved ones.

I've enjoyed this piece, and I surely can relate to it. Well done, Do re mi!

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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30
30
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Sir William II,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your poem, in rhyme, is nicely done.
Though it appears to have been written by a teen, it is clearly stated, and cleanly written.

The work conveys sadness and that dejected feeling of "why me". We all go through that in our youth, but most of us don't have as valid a reason. I did not sense a strong anger, it was more along the lines of being upset. This indicates that the piece may have been written when enough time had elapsed between the initial shock and anger to allow for you to contemplate and start to resolve what was happening.

The poem has a soft rhyme scheme. When I use that term "soft" what I mean is that the rhymes are not dead on, but are close enough, not distracting. A poor rhyme scheme can be a detraction to the work. Too much can make it feel odd. Too little, or forced rhymes can make it feel sloppy. Each work has its own tone, and your rhyme scheme was not forced. It works well for this poem.

The last line is pure nobility. The reader never knows to what extreme you are hurt, but you convey that these the things you love have been taken from you. That last line pulled the emotions written into the piece and put them freshly in the mind and heart of the reader.

Kudos for a work nicely done.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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31
31
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Victoria,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


You have written an comedic essay that debates that this camping activity is not a vacation. You have done this with truth, wit, and the voice of some experience.

I especially liked your commentary about having to find the bathroom in the middle of the night! (don't forget the TP, either!)

For many years my family went camping, and yes, it's work. But there was always something so calmingly peaceful about camping. Of course, my back suffered for weeks afterward, even with the sleeping bags on air mattresses.

I agree, Victoria. Let the kids and husband become scouts and go scouting!

Your essay was nicely written, and an enjoyable read. Good work.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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32
32
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Paul,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your poem centers around the Tolkien "Lord of the Rings" books. It is well done, and true to the myth.

This piece is well written, has a nice rhyme scheme. I think that in your last stanza you could drop the "a" from "The elven kind made a choice" to "The elven kind made choice" to smooth out the meter there.

Your work shows that you have a good command of the work, and language. I would love to read some of your work that is not related to worlds built by others. Indications here is that you have the wherewithal to do this.

I cannot take away from this piece because it is about imagery from an alternate world. This is well done, contains good imagery of the time and place you are writing of and is a good read.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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33
33
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jessica Marie,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your short story depicts an event in your life that you looked forward to and enjoyed. It is intelligent, well laid out, has a nice pace, and tells your tale in sequence. Your ending is just right. For the most part there are only technical corrections, and I'll get on with that in a moment.

You have done a good job, but the piece does need a few corrections. I'm going to start with the most controversial one.
Before I get started, however, I want you to know that your work is good. Don't despair because this commentary is so long. Your mistakes are mostly those of inexperience. My extensive review is to help you to be able to see some problems in the work and edit them yourself, toward a goal of making them less and less necessary. You will gain nothing if you get a nice rating, and a pat on the back, with no constructive comments. Editing is a writer's fact of life. The best and the brightest often need more than one set of editorial eyes to clean up their work. So, take heart. When you are done with the review, take a look at the suggested corrections that make sense to you, and see how the story looks when you have made the corrections. Keep in mind that a 4.5 stars is a very good rating.

The plural form of cannon does not have an "s" at the end. The plural is cannon. There is so much literature and poetry that contain this word in its proper form, that it would be a shame to lose it to the commonly used replacement with the word, "cannons". There are some resources online, such as Dictionary.com that will tell you that the plural of cannon can also be cannons. This is because dictionary.com lists the vernacular forms of speech alongside the literary forms. Merriam-Webster has also changed their language to read "plural usually cannon". However the literary plural for cannon does not have an 's'. People in the military will attest that using the word "cannons" does not make for a happy commanding officer. The point of this is, the plural form of cannon, with the s, is becoming more accepted as common language, but more, the plural use without the 's' is becoming archaic, antiquated. So technically, cannons can pass muster, but not in the military. Still, knowing about the true form of its plural, I would use cannon as the plural. We have several words that are incorrectly used that may one day replace their literary forms, but many deer are not deers, many fish are not fishes (which is a verb in American English, as in "He fishes every weekend, rain or shine." and a bushel full of crab (as a noun) is not a bushel full of crabs. We all learned a passel of these word forms in elementary school, and promptly went back to using those words in the acceptable dialect of our time and place.

In your first sentence, you should remove the word "actually". It has become very overused, especially by teens - which I see that you are one. Your work is intelligent enough to start training your eye to remove overused words, except where you do it deliberately, and it adds to the piece. Your final line took on double meaning because of the event you are writing about, so the words "a blast!" were very appropriate to the work and your own personal experience.

At the end of the first paragraph, you quote your dad's answer to your question. It would stand out more, and be of better form if you set apart his answer in quotes. ...and he said, "Sure. Without a doubt." In the last sentence, I think it would also be better form if, instead of "It" you started the sentence with, "The event". It is always nice to have a very clear sentence to wrap up your paragraph, and it "The event" is not redundant.

In the beginning of paragraph two, the reader does not know that the event is happening on a Saturday, and you give no real reference point to how much time you have waited. Adding to the sentence will help keep this from becoming a stopping point in the work. A simple, "That Saturday" or "The Saturday of the reunion came..." will do it. Also, because "reunion" is being mentioned so many times, you may want to replace that word in the same paragraph with Pennypacker Mills. The following sentence should be revised, and would include the change I just mentioned:

"Anyway, after we left and we arrived at the Reunion..." should be adjusted to read, "When we arrived at Pennypacker Mills..."

Do you see why I suggest this change? "Anyway" is also one of those overused words that add nothing to the piece. "after we left and we arrived" is a confusing and unnecessary part of the sentence that can be said more simply by saying "When we arrived", and "Pennypacker Mills" replaces one iteration of "reunion" in the paragraph, helping to ease the redundancy.

In your next to last paragraph, there is a small spacing error between "mid" and 'nineteenth", as "nineteenth" starts on a new line and "mid" ends in the middle of the prior line. This is because you hit the enter key instead of the space bar, and is easy to fix.

This is a good essay, and a good read. It can only be improved by technical revisions. Well done, Jessica.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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34
34
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Mousie,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


This is a very cute poem, Mousie. Your use of words paints perfect imagery of a flower that has waited too long to be watered. You have done this very nicely. Nice too, is the image of the flower perking back up after being watered. I have no luck with plants at home. At the office, I have a two year old poinsettia. Go figure. I water it once a week. I know first hand the imagery of the dying plant.

I like your last two lines about being safe, but who knows...

This is a nicely done, cute poem, which uses good imagery.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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35
35
Review of THE ONE I MISS  
Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your short story about your relationship with an adopted dog was nicely done.
Although it was predictable, I think it was "those expressive amber eyes" that foreshadowed for me; it was an amusing read to see how easily 'Dog' could have been "man". Certainly the piece points out that he was, for a moment in your life, a "significant" other. There are no typographical errors, punctuation is perfect, as is your grammar.

You build up your relationship with 'him', but in the end, the emotional impact of your loss is diminished by the not so unexpected "reveal" in the last lines. The feeling is that the amusing way the tale is told overshadowed the sense of loss. This is fine, if it's what you intended.

The only thing I found distracting was the statement about burying him on the beach. Although necessary to the work, I would have preferred the imagery of ashes, rather than the corpse, being buried (or scattered, as the case may be) on the beach. I get sensitive to the imagery of the work, and that one line conjured up a disturbing image for me.

You have a nicely done, enjoyable, tongue-in-cheek short story.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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36
36
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Victoria,
My name is Lin and I am one of the judges for the
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1103691 by Not Available.


Your story about WDC is so familiar. Especially the part about being too busy, but logging on anyway. I have taken to leaving the computer on, logged on to WDC!

Your story is well paced, nicely written, and rings with the truth of your experience that can be well recognized by us all. Perhaps and angel will find you. Make sure you have an entry in your wish list!

Be careful when you do get a job, though. Firewalls record every site you go to. If your company is very active with security, they can see that your computer has contacted particular sites, when, and how often. If you stay logged on to a site and minimize, it will appear that you are contacting the site more often, as your computer will exchange information back and forth with WDC's server. I'm very involved with computer security where I work. Some companies check, some don't, but most have firewalls. You can always log in during lunch!

I enjoyed this oh-so-familiar piece! I hope your angel finds you!

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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37
37
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Wren,
My name is Lin and I'm one of the judges for
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1103691 by Not Available.


The poem is true to it's title. Once addicted, it's easy to settle into a routine of constantly checking WDC e-mail, contests, doing reviews...
Your poem brings all of that out and remains light hearted.

It's nice to 'comfortably share' WDC with you.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts,
-Lin
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38
38
Review by Lin
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


What an excellent title, and analogy. Your story paints a vivid picture of a difficult life, and the heartbreak that often changes every family member when there is mental illness involved. Mother has issues and is not emotionally sound. Your perspective is well portrayed, and brought to bear the viewpoint of your young life in a mature voice.

The sadness is well conveyed. The inner struggle over the desire to be with Mom, and not be with her is brought out clearly. The reader feels for the children and Mom, too. This is very well done.

Edits and errors were not noticeable.

A good story, poignant, and well delivered.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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39
39
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


You have made a loving and spiritual poem for your mother.

I found a minor error in the first sentence. There should be a period after "flickering", and "A bed is the center of focus." should be a separate sentence. A comma after flickering will not help, as this would create a "comma splice", and a semi-colon would work, but does not have the right 'feel'.

The work is nicely stated, and as you said, it was read at your mother's funeral, and won an award.

Thank you for sharing such an intimate work.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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40
40
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Paula,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Yours is a sweet poem filled with imagery. The feeling I get is that the voice of the poem is describing a feeling of awe, and happiness. It has a nice pace, and no stopping points.

I think that your final lines might benefit by the following edit.
As it is now:
For it will shine on slow moving rivers.
I love the warmth, and beauty that it delivers.

My edit suggestion:
It will shine on slow moving rivers.
I love the warmth and beauty it delivers.

You will notice that the word "For" has been removed in the first line, and the word "that" has been removed in the last. I believe it sounds better and moves more smoothly with the revisions.

I found one typo, "ragged" should be "raged".

You have done a good job with this lovely poem. I believe that edit and the small revisions above, will benefit the work.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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41
41
Review of Horror Story  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


The premise of your short story is a good one, and you put in a twist at the end. You also leave the story hanging. Perhaps you will do a follow-up story.

In reading the piece, I found that there were many edits that were needed. Everything from spelling errors, through punctuation and grammatical errors to mistakes in style and form. This leads me to believe that you are a new or young writer.

I will not edit such work in a public review, as you will benefit more by me sending the corrected copy to you via e-mail to your WDC address.

Let me say this. Do not be discouraged. Just because you have made errors and mistakes does not mean you should scrap your story. This story has a good premise, and can well hold a reader's attention. You just need to brush up a bit on the mechanics and technical aspects of writing. What this means is that you have created a good, working piece. After having read your work, and before submitting a review to you, I checked other reviews of the work, I checked your port. Some of the edits I have made you will have seen in the reviews of others. Some were not mentioned anywhere else. You should take the corrected copy, and see what has been done to the story. I am not going to mention, once again, what others have already told you.

This story is worth editing and revising. In fact, it is worth building upon.
It would be helpful to reviewers like me if your would tell us a little something about yourself and your writing in your bio-block. If you want to know how, just e-mail me, and I will step you though it. WDC has many young or new-to-structured-writing members. All of them want to write and improve their work. This is a good place to be for that. You will get more than one pair of eyes to review your work, and, invariably, each reviewer will lend their unique insights to you.

Your story is good. This piece is a very good place to start on your journey of learning, toward better writing.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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42
42
Review of Untitled  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello J L,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


This is a nicely composed little poem, considering you were limited to a pool of word tiles. It made me wonder how many tiles you had to choose from.
You did very nicely in creating imagery and mood in 15 words. The centering and double spacing of the piece on the page gives it a more substantial look than those 15 words.

There is not much else a reviewer can do with this kind of work. I cannot suggest a different word, or even ask why you chose a certain word, because you were limited to the pieces in a game. This is a good exercise for stimulating your mind, but I can see that there might well be frustration there, too.

What I can say is that you have very cleverly arranged what you were given, with your own special touch. This came out rather nicely, considering the limitations. If you can do this with a handful of tiles, I can only imagine what you can do with no limitations.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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43
43
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Charm,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


You have written a humorous short story, as much about your favorite appliances as about the way your family interacts. You have approached your subject in a unique way.

The story seems to have been written in great haste. This impression comes from the spacing. Often there is not enough spacing between paragraphs and between sentences. There are some places that need a little editing for grammar. Your dialog would be easier to read if you set it off from the narrative.

"employee of the month" seems to try to make several points, but I think the most redeeming point is that your story's family cares about Mom enough to sit almost still for her crazy idea to have a contest to appoint the King or Queen appliance in the kitchen. It would benefit the work if you concentrate on this more in the story. The other points will not be missed by the reader, but by building upon the family caring you will redeem some of the conflict that resulted from this family "quality time" event. As it stands now, it falls a little flat; the girls are participating reluctantly at best and the whole event falls apart. I am sure that this was not the intent.

I can see many places where a little editing could tighten up the story, and make this a better piece.

Your story is interesting, needs a bit of work, but has good potential.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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44
44
Review of Jealousy  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Mousie,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your poem is simple, clear of thought and of word, and neither complains nor cries. Your look at unrequited love from the viewpoint of the narrator. This may be a third party point of view, but not a disinterested one, I think.
Hence, the title of the poem, "Jealousy".

Of course, it may be that "he" is jealous, but that's not what the poem is showing us. What we see is a man enamored of a woman. She has his complete, and unshared, attention. Jealousy has not yet come into his picture. You also tell us in your description that this poem is about unrequited love. Love that is not returned does not always equate to jealousy.

Your last stanza uses the voice of the narrator to tell us that "her" heart is with another, and that "his love is spurned". So the reader is left to believe that the narrator, the entity with the point of view, has interest in what is being portrayed within the poem. It led me to believe that it is the narrator who is jealous. It has the feel, to me, that the narrator may be a little jealous of all the attention of the smitten man toward someone else.

You have left enough unsaid so that what the reader is predisposed to will take over here. A straight forward read, without a description, may have given me a different impression.

Nicely done.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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45
45
Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello anti w,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

I made a visit to your port to get some insight on your perspective. I was surprised to find that you are 13 years old. I am curious as to what influenced you to write this poem. The subject matter is unexpected of a 13 year old.

That said, I must tell you that I am impressed by your depth of thought. The Holocaust is not a light subject. Its lessons are ones that mankind must never again lose sight of.

First there is that shock of Fate
that plunges into your sacred heart.

Although "Sacred Heart" is not capitalized, the expression of a "sacred heart" is one that centers around Jesus, and His love for humanity.
That said, your first two lines of the second stanza contain a meaningful double-entendre.

In the last line of your third stanza, I would cut the word "Certainly".

What happened to them? We're not to know.

My reason for cutting that word is because the line speaks of uncertainty.
By cutting "Certainly" you avoid the contradiction in the line and convey more of the feeling of uncertainty. Furthur, in cutting the word, it trims the line down to a better meter.

In the first line of your next to last stanza, there should be an "s" at the end of horror, and I think that the line would benefit by another small edit, as below.

Stand up to those horror for a couple more years.
or
Stand up to those horrors for a few more years.

Your final line sums up your work:
         For remembrance is the final part of the recipe.

Your poem is well done, clearly expressed, and remarkably mature for someone with only 13 years experience on this earth. It would be very interesting to see what you might do if you revisit this subject twenty years from now.

Keep writing, reading and pursuing knowlege.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin

The Reviewing Tool is very helpful for me.

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46
46
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Wren,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your poem is unusually presented. You use opposite justification to bring out the two voices of the poem. Your use of color to accentuate empathy lends your piece a unique perspective. The use of the word and color blue, is a pun.

Just when I was starting to feel familiar with the piece, it ended. I felt perplexed as well, but I was not sure if this is what you wanted the reader to feel. It portrays a give and take by two caring individuals, and this can be comedic, as well.

It is always a bold step to do something different with your work. Not everyone is going to appreciate the work itself. Keep trying new innovations in your work. Keep in mind, that those who read it may not always be able to understand the work. If I were blue/green colorblind, I would have seen this in a different way. You made some provision for that by the way you left justified the words of one voice, and right justified the words of the other.

You kept it simple, which is a wise choice when you are exploring new territory. You have done a nice job with this.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin

Thanks to the Story Master for this new Reviewers Tool!
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47
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Victoria,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Good work, Victoria!
You have touched upon a handful of very familiar symptoms of the middle aged. I remember it well.

Your essay is well written, has a nice flow and feel, is pleasing to read and I did not notice any grammatical errors of consequence. This is good work, and it would be nice to read more about the foibles of the middle-aged according to Victoria.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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48
48
Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Ms. Penguin,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your story, "The Reluctant Vampire" lends a lighter touch to the vampire genre. It has a comedic appeal.

My first reaction, though, is that the once you read the potion label, you know what is going to happen in the story. Still, it was nicely done, well paced and grammatically clean.

Because the story is predictable, I felt that you needed to add more to your comedic approach. It is good that your story is interesting enough for the reader to want more.

The first thing you may want to do in order to fill it in a bit is to develop the reader's acquaintance with Reginald a bit better. He's a quirky character, no doubt, and there can be many opportunities for comedic twists in the development.

Add to the dimension of the story. The reader is anticipating Reginald to become a zombie. Put in some other twists and turns along the way. For instance, suppose Reginald is allergic to the potion? How would he react? What effect would it have upon him? What would the cure do? Certainly, Reginald can have more dealings with Gandolph. Your work is so interesting and there are so many possiblities that I would love to see you develop this more.

Often, especially with new writers, stories are written in a rather linear manner. Good stories, as in life, are multidimensional. There are little connections between much of what we do, as well as external circumstances that can contribute to the telling of the tale that make it richer. It becomes a more rewarding experience for readers and writers, alike.

So, I urge you to do more. Your story has a good premise, and what you have is good work. It is good enough, in fact, for your time and effort to develop it further.

Very nice read, Ms.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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Review of Magic Mirror  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Tracey,

I stopped by to review
STATIC
Magic Mirror  (E)
A short children's poem of a magical mirror.
#821846 by intuey


This is a wonderful poem with great appeal for a child.
It is genuine, simply stated, rich in imagery, and imparts a smile.

The poem moves smoothly from beginning to end, and I can easily imagine it becoming one of a child's best loved poems. I can attest that the appeal is also there for an adult's pleasure.

Very nice work.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.

Perhaps you might enter the contest
"Invalid Item" 
It looks like you have been here a while. I'm sure you must have a tale or two to tell about the effect it has had upon your life!

-Lin
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50
50
Review of the river  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Casey,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


Your poem is a good one. When you put together your poem, you need not rhyme every line. It is perfectly acceptable to rhyme every other line. It think the poem would look better if you center it, and break each line into two. Presentation is one of those things that make a first impression. You want the first impression to be inviting; to entice the reader to read the work.

Another thing for a young writer to keep in mind when writing a very short piece is to try to curtail the use of unnecessary words. For instance,
"The river is rushing by with fish jumping" can be modifed thus,
The river rushing by
with fish jumping

So, if you follow-through this way, your poem would look like this:

The river rushing by
with fish jumping.
Clear blue liquid makes rocks
start rumbling.
Grass bends, leaning over
with excitement.
To grab sweet water from
their environment.
Bashing and churning, yet
so peaceful,
The river's the place that's
really restful.


Even before these few suggestions, the piece is clear of thought and well expressed. In breaking the lines in two and removing some "ing" endings to words, the syllables have also fallen into a more even meter.
You have done a nice job. Keep writing, Casey. You have a very good touch with the written word at age 13. Practice will only lead to improvement.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challange.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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