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161 Public Reviews Given
273 Total Reviews Given
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51
51
Review of Trees in Spring  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Musings,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

This is a short and sweet poem. I can see the imagery that you are going for, but the piece lacks continuity in thought. You can amend this, pulling what you have together by having one thought flow into the next.
But first, the word "footsteps" was typed fast and you dropped the "t". However, it is a very incongruous word to use when conjuring imagery of trees.

Now, about connecting the thoughts:
By making a few changes, you can smoothly join one line to the next. This is one of the handy tools that can be used when the poem is short, and punctuation is left to the natural pause caused by the movement from one line to the next.

Here is one suggestion, taking into consideration what I said earlier about "footsteps".

It's journey started long ago
Deep within rich ground
The warmth of earth's womb
Push green sprigs open

At this point, you need a transition element to bring the flow from newborn tree seedlings into blooming, flowering trees. For blossoming trees, it takes quite a bit of time before the seedling can bear flowers. All of it's energy is going into growth. But your transition doesn't need to say all that. It can simply be a turn of a head, a look up to the trees surrounding the seedling. From there, the "Bright bulging blossoms" can be more seemlessly brought into the piece. For instance,
"Push green sprigs open"
"Seedling trees reach high"
"Beneath their elders"
"Bright bulging blossoms"
"Burst forth pink to red"

These are only examples, and are not an attempt to re-write your poem. You have good vision, and you know what you want to express. The basics are all contained within your work already. These suggestions are for your consideration as to how you can improve the work and make it more dynamic. The review process is not only for the work at hand. They're as much to learn from and apply to future works. Take what you find helpful, and leave the rest. The goal of this piece reaches for imagery with no waste of words. It is sucessful at doing that.

This is a nice poem that can be expanded and refined into a more dynamic work.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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52
52
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lori,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

For your description of this short story, you list "Experience". I find that most of what I write is drawn from experience, but I would not call the resultant work a non-fiction. The feeling I get here, however, is that this story is an actual recount of a situation you were in.

In reading the story, you very sucessfully passed on the feeling of being ill at ease about the foot washing ritual. You immediately pull the reader in. As the reader, I had no choice to consider what my own reactions might be, how I would feel about this. The story gave me pause to also think about how I would feel to be the person doing the washing, as well. I have to admit that it was a strange, queasy feeling, the kind that made me wiggle in my seat.

That there was such a transformation of emotion at the end was effective, and unexpected. For me, there was only one element left undeveloped. You state at the end, that wounds wee healed, there was a sharing of the deepest kind of love, and sharing of darkness as well as their light. How were these things shared? Was this the result of one simple and humbling act? Perhaps you can bring that out a little.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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53
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Fingerfrenzy,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your poem about a forest fire is nicely done. The pace is quick, and your images and thoughts are clear.
Your rhymes are fitting and not forced and the punctuation is good. I'm not sure about the use of color in the piece, but it did not detract from the work, and the visual may have more of a dynamic appeal to some readers. I find that the imagery of the words is what is going on in my head.

I have a minor suggestion, and you might try this in future works, since this piece can stand on it's own without. Since you are depictin a forest fire, which is hot and dark, dangerous and rank you can put more into the imagery of the fire by bringing elements of the scent of the smoke, (fetid, acrid, pungent, noxious) and the physical feel of the fire's approach, (ferocious waves of heat; feverish breezes; Smoky, roiling winds; blast furnace heat; firey whips of heat, lashing).
These can add intensity to the imagery, and portray the forest fire in more compelling terms. In your first line, if you should replace the word "splashes" with "slashes" - do you feel the difference in the urgency? Fires are urgent, they are monsters of nature that kill, maim and destroy; and you want to convey that.
With a piece such as this, you want to grab the reader. You want the reader to smell the smoke. You want them, when they finish this piece, to sniff the air, and think - "Is that smell something burning?" If you can do this, the next time that reader passes so much as a fire damaged lot, your poem will come to mind.

Your poem is nicely done, but would benefit by the use of some more dynamic imagery.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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54
Review of Dust Bunny  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Helvi,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Well, I've reviewed this before, and I have to say it is still just as good as the first time!

I get a smile every time I read this poem. You can't buy that!

It is a first-rate children's poem and absolutely jumps up and down to be read aloud to children. You can get really silly with it, too.

This is a job well done. Keep writing like this. Everyone can use a smile!

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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55
Review of Letter Home  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Shylah,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your rhyming poem, "Letter Home", is a nice effort. In the read, I felt that you needed to add a comma to the second line of your second stanza:
"It seemed right, down to the kitchen sink"
Also, in the third line of the third stanza, the correct use would be "I'd" for "I had", rather than, "I'll"; 'I had better remember vs. I will better remember.'
The second line of the third stanza contains a forced rhyme. The usage had to be manipulated so you could have a rhyme - and it shows. This is a common pitfall of writing rhymeing poetry. Even if you have to work at finding the right rhyme, you don't want to use one that is forced or strained. Since all of the words in this stanza end in the "er" sound, it does complicate it a bit to try to keep the rhyme from overcoming the thought in the stanza. You might try a change to something like:
"Listening to the weather forecast"
"We'll have sunshine that will last."
Try playing with it a little.

The work is nicely done, and is a happy read.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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Review of A Moment in Time  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Sam I Am,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your prose about how time passes so quickly is a nice work. The sentiment is clearly stated and easily understood. It gives the reader their own pause for thought. My only suggestion would be to add punctuation. There are many times when, for impact, you run one descriptive word after another, without commas. Rather than moving smoothly on, the work stops the reader to make sure, "Did I read that right?". The commas are necessary. Your description also mentions that the moments frozen in time are like frames from an old movie. The addition of commas will compliment that descriptiion.

The work is nicely thought out. The imagery is good and carries the reader along from one frame to the next. The work leaves the reader reflective and nostalgic when the read is finished.

Nice work, Sam I Am.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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57
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Musings,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your poem expresses a feeling finding your guiding light. It does not say enough as to whether this is another person, or a religious "Us". I find the second line in the first stanza to be a little stretched.
In examining your first stanza, I believe that the fourth and fifth lines would benefit by changing the way they appear, thus:
An incandescent yellow streak
Across the newborn sky, with promise.
It was a stopping point when "the" was dropped in those lines.
The transition from the conditions in your first stanza to the second stanza is a curiosity that could benefit from additional work here, perhaps a stanza.
I think that the last line, "Us" is distracting to the theme of this being your love song in the form of a psalm. It says more, and can be relevent to both love of a person or love of God, without the "Us". It is the addition of that one word that leads to the feeling of ambiguity I mentioned earlier.

There are several minor technical corrections:
In the second stanza, "Shines it blazing light" should be "Shines its blazing light". In your next line there should be a space after the comma, "be,is" should be, "be, is".

Your poem/psalm is a good effort that could benfit by adding to the piece.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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58
58
Review of Love Come Back  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello CM,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

This poem is sweet and simple, as a prayer should be, yet speaks well of your devotion. It also brings out that you seek guidance in this time of transition.
You stay with the simple, basic statements of your newfound redemption, without burdening the piece with the consuming insistance of a zealot. The devotion shines through.
The piece is reassuring and calming. In it's simplicity, the faith shines through.

The poem does exactly what you intended with no stumbles along the way. Good job!

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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59
59
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Sussita,

This short story is very nicely done.
Your final line ties the piece up with the original thought in the beginning. There is nothing wasted here. You have accomplished a great deal in 500 words.
The story leaves me wanting more, as this can be a small piece of a much greater work.
If this were a passage on book jacket, I would read the book.

Well done.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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60
60
Review of Andrew  
Review by Lin
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Brittany,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Yours is a touching story about your love for a very special brother. There are so many things that you bring out with this story. There is your father's abandonment of his family, Andrew's health, your love and caring of him and your friendship with Ana. You have done a nice job with this. It is a reflection of the strengths and weaknesses of our fellow humans. You show a great deal of fortitude in Sage, in the way she has handled the ups and downs portrayed here.
There are many sentences that stand alone in the story and should be part of the prior paragraph. The sentence, "Sage was worried." is spaced between two paragraphs that appear to be all of the same subject. They can be combined into one. This style appears in your work in various places throughout, and it would be beneficial to tighten it up. You space quite a bit in between lines of dialog as well. It's unnecessary to do this. In some cases, I can see evidence of spacing that was unexpected, and I think it's because the work was written into a small window. I often have this problem with the formatting in these small area's. I'm not sure whether I'm on the next line, or if only a space will appear between my sentences.

This is a very good story. I especially enjoyed your ending.

I hope to read more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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61
61
Review of On Being A Dad!  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Writing to learn,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the

This is such a nice poem as seen through Dad's eyes. You have not lost the magic, the girls are just too self-absorbed to miss it yet. This, too, shall pass.

I like the Then-vs.-Now concept behind the piece, but some of the lines are very long. In the case of your aside in parentheses, I think you should bring it down and indent it. Break it into two lines. I woud use italics instead of parentheses, but the parentheses does indicate that this is an aside.
I think your final line might benefit by being arranged differently. For example:

I guess I'm no different
         Than all the Dads,
                   That have passed by
                             well before me.

I enjoyed this piece. Hang in there, Dad. Perhaps you are a frog right now, but when when your daughters come through their teen years, you will once again be a prince.

I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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62
62
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Aurora,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

This is a very nice essay. It is well written and clearly stated. I think that reading and writing are essential. I've tried to instill this in my children, as well. Movies have their place, but there are only so many movies, and so much more written works. Those who do not read are diminished by it. In much the same way, those who write are empowered by it, and your piece brings that out.
Thank you for sharing this.
I look forward to reading more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.
Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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63
63
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Tana,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

I found your piece to be so very saddening. It is frustrating to think that you cannot have more of a relationship with your children until you can take them once again.
Tana, I honestly do not think that this is the kind of work where you want the punctuation, spelling and grammar picked apart and corrected. But I do have one suggestion.
Make this piece the beginning of a personal journal. In this journal you should write daily about your thoughts and feelings you had that day for your children; about anything you had to do to try to get to see them, or get them back. Write about how you feel about them. How it's joyful to remember good times with each of them, and sad not to have them with you. When you get a letter, save it in the journal. Write your thoughts and feelings about receiving the letter in the journal, too. Write about what is going on in your life, how things are changing or progressing. EVEN if you will not be able to see your children until they are adults, keep writing. Your journal may one day step them through your life, show them how you always loved, missed and wanted them and start a healing process. Punctuation, spelling and grammar corrections have no place in such a work. Be faithful to your journal for your children. It may be the key to making them understand that you did not abandon them, and that there is nothing wrong with them - which is often what children think is the reason they are not with their parents.

I wish you happiness, and a way to be back with your children that will bring the love back to all of you.

-Lin
64
64
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Shylah,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your description of this short story tells a lot about it. The story reads well but needs some editing and a little development.

Edits:
In your first sentence, which you end with the word "on", would have better form if you changed it to, "...trying on the next wedding dress."
In your second paragraph there is a word missing, "...purse from her inner jacket pocket."
Another missing word should be in the following sentence, "Everything's going according to plan." The meaning of the sentence is not the same without it.
One more, in the dialog between Jean and Eve, "We better go." should be "We had better go." or, "We'd better go." It is improper in it's present form.

In the dialog where Jean and Eileen come in, it is unclear, until later, just who is saying, "Hello, Jean, Eileen. ..." This would benefit by the addition of, "said Mrs. Hunt."

Returning to the first paragraph, the reader does not understand that BOTH Nadine and Eve are planning a wedding - perhaps a double one at that. So, when you say, "Having already made her choice, Eve was trying to encourage Nadine." the phrasing is vague. At that point the reader is left to wonder if Eve already chose a gown for Nadine. The reader has not been given enough information to realize that Eve has chosen her own gown.

More development along the lines of Nadines unnamed terminal illness, and the closeness between the two girls would benefit the story and lend more of an emotional hold on the reader. You want your readers to feel that mixture of emotions that Eve, as a bride, is going through. I find it odd, though, that Nadine's fiance would want to see the veil of the woman he was to marry being worn by her best friend. We don't know a lot about Dean from the story. I think that you might be better without that line, and perhaps replace it with Eve's wanting the presence of her close friend with her on that special day.
It also appears that the plans may have been for a double wedding, by what Nadine said to Eve in the hospital. This is very subtle, and can be brought out more.

The story is enjoyable, it has a good plot. It is exactly what the description says it is. With a little editing and some additional work with development, this will be an excellent piece.

I hope to see more of your work in the next Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all your writing efforts.

-Lin
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65
65
Review of Dexter  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Jessie,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Dexter sounds like a sweet boy. There is no innocense like that of a child. What a lovely poem you have written for your nephew.

The pace and rhythm of the poem are wonderful. Most of your rhymes are good, but you could tighten up on "understand" with "end"; "Woody" with "movie" and "matter" with "forever". You should put a period or an exclamation point after "forever".

This poem expresses such a loving sentement. It sounds like you and Dexter have a special relationship with each other.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all of your writing efforts.
-Lin
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66
66
Review of Sleep at last  
Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, Fingerfrenzy,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

I am so completely thrown off kilter by the cadence and rhyme of this poem about war and death. The words are okay, the rhymes are fine, what you are saying is not veiled or convoluted. But the cadence of the piece conjures up images of country square dances and the way the callers call out the dance. This reaction was unconscious and immediate.

This totally obscured any message or seriousness to the piece for me.

Once I got past the cadence, some of the rhymes are a little strained, "cutting power of shells was lacked" is one, "Weakened knees, artery sever" was another. But were they not, I could not in good conscience urge you to fix the work to improve the rhyme.

This poem won't work for what it was intended, and that is unfortunate, because it has so much to say.

Keep writing, fingerfrenzy. While this cadence does not work for serious matters, it would be perfect for other subjects! There are good points about your poem that indicate you can do the same again, while concentrating on a less grave subject matter.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best wishes for all your writing efforts.
-Lin
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67
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Review by Lin
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Lacey,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~


What a lovely poem for to your husband. It has a good pace, and flows well. You have a working rhyme scheme that is not forced and does not overwhelm the work.

The message expresses your love, and your passion for him. It has good imagery, is expressive and very romantic.

This is a nice work. My wish for you is that the romance will always be there.

I look forward to reading more of your work in the Weekly Newbie Challenge!

Best wishes for all your writing efforts.
-Lin
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Review of Crickets  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Musings,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
LEARN - Bitem Format, Emoticons, etc., and receive Reviews
#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

"Crickets" is a lovely poem. I like the imagery of a ragtime band quieting down into humming a psalm.

There are too many spaces between your second and third stanzas and your third and fourth. This sometimes happens to me when working in these little boxes. The spacing does not always the same in the finished piece.

I like the idea of progressive indents with this piece, and separating the second line in the couplets into triplets. It's only a thought, but sometimes the way the piece appears on paper lends movement or motion.
As an example:
Then the early part of day comes
         To quiet the ragtime players
                   Into humming a psalm.

This will work with all of your couplets, but it's only something to think about.

I look forward to seeing your work in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best Wishes for all your writing efforts.

-Lin
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69
69
Review of Cloud Watching  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Andoe,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Your story is very reminiscent of the Japanese style. It involves nature, and a struggle. It ends with an element of supernatural reward in the form of the cloud.

This is a lovely work. There are some typo's, easily corrected.

I only have one suggestion. In your final paragraph you write, "...it was the children that noticed it..."
I think it would be stated more eloquently if you use "who" instead of "that".
"...it was the children who noticed it..."

It is a very nice read. I can visualize this in a book format with Japanese art to depict the scenes.

Best wishes to you with all your writing efforts. I look forward to reading more of your work in future Weekly Newbie Challenges.

-Lin
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Review of Sigh of Spring  
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Helviblu,
My name is Lin and I am one of the reviewers for the
 Weekly NEWBIE Challenge  (E)
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#989394 by ~*~Damiana Returned~*~

Sigh of Spring is a beautiful poem. Each stanza was well done and paint beautiful images of the dawning of a new Spring in the readers mind. For the most part, I would say not to change a thing. For me, as a reader, I was very happy will all the elements of the poem until the last three lines in the final stanza. For me, Spring had already been personified as a feminine being in the first and fourth lines of your second stanza. The rest of the poem is a well done, descriptive image of Springtime. It was nice to see the butterfly refrain to your opening line, but as a metaphor in the final three lines of the piece, I feel it is distracting to what you have accomplished in the rest of the poem. It isn't that this metaphor is wrong, it's that I feel it is wrong for this piece.
I want you to understand that even if you don't change a thing, this piece is lovely and very well done. There are elements in it that really had me seeing, hearing and feeling your springtime images in my mind. I smiled at the stanza about the Peepers, one of my favorite springtime elements.

I would like to see more of your efforts entered in the Weekly Newbie Challenge.

Best Wishes,
-Lin
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71
71
Review by Lin
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful poem. Your imagery is excellent. I see the kittens tumbling over themselves as they chase the broom. The pace and flow of the poem are just right, as is the rhyming. Everything works well together. I can see no errors, right down to the punctuation.
Very well done and an enjoyable read.

-Lin
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