Love the discriptiveness, but the very last line confused the brains out of me! You had to kill her? Is this an intro to a larger story of some kind? Something that might fill the huge void between calling her beautiful then having to off her? I hope so, it sounds like you have a great writing style!
Hm, Overall, I loved your poem. You had a good sencible theme going, and it was quite cute ^^
I'm a cat person myself, and I think you showed her... Spoiled self quite well lol
However I did notice that you use both periods and exclimation points at the same time... I would advise against it, as it makes the readers confused. You don't need to have more than one exclimation point either, one gets the job done :)
I hope you take no offence as this is only my opinion, I'm glad you shared your cats' nature with us, that way we can all adore her from a-far! XD
Hm, do you come from the thoughts of war? or just in general? However, the opposite part gets me a bit confused. Open to thought though. You could mean that girls do that, or that men are filled with love... Probably the first one lol
I mean no offence as this is only my opinion. I enjoyed reading your poem and thanks for sharing it with us! :)
I'm not sure how I should rate this as it's short and not really meant to be a poem. With those lines you could choose to make a poem out of it, or a story from it. Or both actually. I'm assuming you put this up just to get it out there? Though I do agree that it's just an idea lol, I at first didn't know what to expect. But it's kinda sweet ^^
I noticed that, not only did you use some reasons more than once (you refrased them), but you also went off of certain perspectives. I do not agree with some of the reasons you gave, I do know that not all men can sing or are polite, or will even stick up for a girl (believe me, I know. I wish I didn't)
But if you were to reorder this, I'd personally put the things that are simmilar together, instead of having them all over the place. It'll show the reader the small differences instead of having them think their reading the same thing.
Hm, I noticed that you didn't keep to a rhyme pattern. Sometimes you skiped lines, and others didn't match at all. In one line you put two rhyming words, but I can see why, it goes with the poem. However in your second stanza some of your lines get shorter and it makes the flow move faster, I'm not sure if that is wise for what I've read, but this is only my opinion, I mean no offence.
Well other than the yellow that does this poem no justice (as it hurt the eyes against the white and It's vary hard to see), this poem is quite simple, short and sweet. I'd just change the yellow though, it would make it easier for other readers. I did the same thing with the colors myself exept I did it with green! lol
Hmm... Interesting peace, though I do have a few sugestions for you.
In your line "What would people think? Say?" Perhaps instead of having "Say?" be a whole sentince itself, hows this sound?
"What would people think?
What would they say?"
I know it would add another line in there, but that's what I thought of.
Another thing, one of your lines is very long, and it does take away from the poem.
"The thoughts that haunt me may be the only thing keeping me above the surface, and off the edge."
try something like:
"The thoughts that haunt my soul
Subdue my drowning into the depths
Letting me breath and move away from the edge"
I know it sounds a bit different, but that's the best that I could do on a whim. Please know that these are only my opinions and are not meant to offend your work. I enjoyed reading it, and I'm glad you shared it :)
I liked it, but I noticed that your rhyme was a bit off. You have:
"Beneath the starlit heavens
of the frozen evening sky,
a docile dog-like creature lies quietly by.
The velvet matted darkness shrouds
the forest floor
and brings the chill of winter
knocking at fall's icy door.
With the prowess of a lion
and the countenance of a king
the silver gray tipped creature stands
and begins to sing."
Perhaps trying these changes:
"Beneath the starlit heavens
of the frozen evening sky,
a docile dog-like creature
lies quietly by.
The velvet matted darkness
shrouds the forest floor
and brings the chill of winter
knocking at fall's icy door.
With the prowess of a lion
and the countenance of a king
the silver gray tipped creature
stands and begins to sing."
I think it'll make the poem flow a bit better, but also, "from father unto son"... I think there's something a bit off about that line, but I cant figure out what it is...
But as I said, I do like it, keep up the good work! (Please know that this review is my opinion only and I mean no offfence)
I noticed that you change your point of view. You start off with telling about the man himself, but then you had him talk (without indicating that he's talking), and afterwords you continue on, but in the first person sence. Through his eyes instead of a passer-by.
Also, this line seems too long.
"Trickling down, cold misty rain is coloring the stones"
I'm also unfamilar with the word idleness
A couple of your stanzahs are confusing, but your ending gets the whole point across. I think you should read this out loud to yourself, hear the words and see what they say to you. I think thats the best advice I can give...
Please know that this is only my opinion and I mean no offence by it.
I don't think the first line fits there. And this line you might try to consider condensing it. "Can I not assume our time apart will be temporary" The rest of the poem is shorter, but that one line throws the pattern out of whack.
"If this time was great with you
Can I not assume our time apart will be temporary"
Try something like this:
"If this time was great with you
Can I assume our time apart, temporary?"
You also added an extra paragraph space before your last paragraph (just to let you know).
Overall, I think it's sweet. Two people who walk with eachother in life, then doing it again after they've passed on. Makes you feel like their love is eturnal.
Please note that this is my opinion only and I mean no offence by anything mentiond here.
You start off good, a captain perhaps talking to his crew giving them words of encouragment and wisdome. But after you talk about being safe ashore, for me personally it gets confusing. Your words also seem to contredict themselves, how the wind will blow your sails, but the calm sea will prevail? You mention cannons as well, so I'm assuming that their at a war, where land is where they'll be safe?
I'm guessing you wrote this for the wording? Or the rythm of the poem? But it doesn't keep a rythm, and it doesn't rhyme... The message is a bit unclear, but inspirational writing is always good. I think you should move lines around a bit though, so all the 'land' lines are in one spot.
Please note that this is only my opinion, I mean no offence and would like you to know that your work is your own. Others' may suggest things, but it is your vision, not anyone elses.
Would this be an outline for fanfic for Erin E. Hunters' Warriors? I can't find that she has a book where Brambleclaw becomes the leader in the tittle. Just wondering.
Nice, but I do have a few sugestons for the second stanza.
You have ut as:
"Send me back in time
To change the hearts
To reveal the love inside
To show the truth
To change the paths
And to set things straight
I can’t wait
To go back in time."
Perhaps if you rephrased it like this?
Send me back in time
To change the hearts
And reveal the love inside
To show the truth
Change the paths that bind
And to set things straight
I just can’t wait
To go back in time.
Just a thought, all the "to"s seemed to be too much I think... But this is only my opinion, I'm not a profesional by any means!
Lol, at first it was a bit confusing, but I really liked how you said that you'd wish to never dream again, but when you stayed awake you wanted to dream ^^ There's no real pattern of rhyme or beat to it, but it does discribe an experiance that seems rather... unwanted ^^; Quite comical as well, though its not the type that would make people burst out with laughter, but it is funny and sad at the same time. Good work putting the two together!
Good poem, but it could use some edditing.
"A cowl’d dark rider on a beast so black " I guess you could've meant cowl'd to be said with an accent, but I'm not sure. Just thought I'd point it out incase.
"a faintly but remembered threat" Is way out to the right, I don't think you meant to do that.
Also, you seem to change your poem format half way through. Were you rushed?
And I believe that lastly, you need a space between the two words brightly and glisten in this line.
"In distant glades the sun does shine and meadows brightlyglisten"
I hope this helps a bit, but it was well thought of, just a few small errors, you have talent so don't give up!
The last three lines didn't really go along with the rest of the poem, but I found it to be very sad and touching. It reminded me of that saying of 'if tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear, does it make a sound?'. Except this is filled with much more purpose and meaning. I know that I could never stand being completly and totally ignored, and I'm almost as sure that no one else could stand it either.
Your not alone. Though I believe that true enlightenment can only come from yourself when the battle in your mind and soul have subsided. It shall only be eturnal if you let it be. God can only do so much with all his power, he cannot truly upset the balance that plauges this world. Unfourtunatly, it is said that you can reach this enlightenment if nothing umong this world binds you. I do believe that that saying is mearly the most easiest way however; not the only one.
Please take no offence to anything said above, it is only my opinion and do not mean to offend anyone.
Welcome to WDC, and hopefully you'll find many friends along your journy, and my best wishes to you all.
Basickly you find peace hiding inside yourself. You escape into your mind and hide from everything around you.
Though you mentioned that you didn't have much for rymes in here, I think that there not really needed. They do help though, but there never required for a poem. I think your poem is fine as it is, it tells a story about your state of thought that only so few can grasp.
Bravo and well done! And welcome to WDC :)
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But it's kinda sweet ^^