Your story is both poignant and expressive. I like how you've developed your character. While reading your story it was as though I could feel the blanket of fog and the rough bark of the willow. It was easy to relate to your protagonist, even more so due to the fact you kept her anonymous.
I feel more emphasis could have been placed on the connection between the old woman and the tree. You describe the tree in a very human way and one gets the sense that it is somewhat of a paternal figure to her. Did something happen there, years ago, involving that tree? It's obvious the tree has been a part of her life for many years and the fog tells us she's come upon a sort of epiphany. So, is she dying and saying her farewell having finally accepted death? Was someone she loved (her father perhaps?) buried there and now she is projecting her memories of him onto the tree subconsciously? It's up to you of course but these are some questions you might want to look into.
My next, and final, point is a matter of style. Your writing is good, your prose eloquent, and your mastery of the English language apparent. However, I feel this work could be refined further. Words are tools us writers use to convey a message to our readers. As such, I believe the measure of a work is how accurately it conveys your message. Adjectives and less commonly used words are important and very much necessary when trying to convey a thought or emotion but there comes a point when the words you use serve to conceal more than they reveal. Then, unless that was your intent, editing is in order.
I would suggest you go back and "trim the fat". Ask yourself if "this" or "that" word or adjective is absolutely necessary and what is the message that particular line or paragraph sends the reader. It's better to write more and most writers, including myself, suffer from "over" writing but this affords you the chance to go back and streamline your work. But remember, only trim the fat. Never edit something out at the cost of altering your original message.
This serves two functions: first, it helps make your work more easily digestible and, thus, more enjoyable. Second, it helps add emphasis to the other words and descriptions in your story. Imagine a painting where every inch contains a beautiful point of interest. You'd very likely consider it cluttered. The mind wouldn't be able to appreciate its beauty because it'd be divided amongst all the other things. You'll notice this occurs in all forms of art. Photography, painting, sculpting, music, and writing. Let people experience the beauty of your prose by saying less. Otherwise they may get saturated.
Anyway, that's just my honest opinion. If it helps you great. If it doesn't, ignore it. Let me know either way what you think. I'd like to follow the progress of this very promising story.
- loki
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lo_ki
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 6:43am on May 05, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
