Overall, I thought this was a great prologue. It was generally well-written, and I found it quite reverent, with a lovely sort of theme developing.
It held my interest well, which is a grand accomplishment, as I am far from keen on the Western genre, and it's pretty much the only one I read nothing in.
I really like the character of the narrator, and thought that their voice gave the prologue a very appealing and authentic feel.
Suggestions for improvement:
I thought the second sentence, second paragraph, was too loaded. It was run-on and all the adjectives made it a bit too heavy, although the image you were creating was very good. I especially liked the vision of 'a hypnotic shade of burnt peach'.
I would suggest breaking the sentence up after that bit - putting the simile about the shadows as its own sentence.
Furthermore, I thought the image of 'brilliant' parchment was a bit off - I find it a touch difficult to try and think of parchment as brilliant - I think you were referring to the brilliance of the light on it, but the plain meaning of 'great' is more common, and this made it slightly confusing.
Also, I think pencil 'lines' would make more sense than 'marks'.
I rubbed the velvety neck absently. - her
"Some people think they’ll find that home in a certain place or with a particular person,” Nanny would say quietly,
I think the dialogue would read more comfortably if she said 'some people think that they'll'.
IMO, you should use a a different tag than 'quietly' here, because it's one you've used already, recently, and the only one so far - the repetition was a little jarring. I think something like 'softly' would suit it better anyway.
'...although she did interject...'
I don't think the word 'interjerct' fits well here. It seems to stick out like a sore thumb, as it doesn't sound right to me.
Sometimes it was about my father growing up. But mostly she talked about her life as a young girl growing up on the old farm in Lebanon, Indiana.
I think 'father's youth' might fit better, and it would also eliminate the double use of 'growing up'.
And I was always there in time to set the table and help her if I could.
Seemed a bit odd to start-off this sentence with 'and' here. I'd suggest starting it with 'I made sure I was always...' but it's up to you.
And the ranch
I think the 'and' is unnecessary here.
It was also a house that glowed...
I think just saying 'It glowed...' would suffice, as we are well aware what you are talking about - there's no need to repeat yourself.
Both of them were there for different reasons. But each came away with a single golden impression that would remain with them for the rest of their days.
I think these sentences would sound better joined together. Otherwise, I'd suggest 'Yet' would be a better choice than 'But' to start the second sentence with. I don't think the next 'and' sounds right either - I think something like 'what's more', or 'moreso', 'along with that' would be a lot more fitting.
So she...
I think Therefore/Thus/Hence would work better here.
cups of Earl Grey hot tea.
The ordering here seems mixed up. 'hot Earl Grey tea' would make more sense - as the adjective applies to the whole 'Earl Grey tea' as Earl Grey's specifying the type of tea. However, you don't really need to say 'hot' anyway, as it seems obvious that it would be in the context.
Finishing note:
I look forward to reading the first chapter! (e:bigsmile)
Overall, a generally good piece of poetry. It defintely has a great and solid structure to it, and comes across as quite refined. I think it has a nice sentiment, which is coneveyed well.
My favourite lines were:
'Next time you see a statue of clay,
Search in your black for a glimmer of gray.'
I think they have a great, hopeful ring to them.
I also really liked: the title
Some possible suggestions for improvement that I can give:
'For wind is wind. And dust is dust.'
- I don't think the period break in the middle of the line works here. I think it would sound better if the sentence ran on as 'For wind is wind and dust is dust.'
'Perhaps its for meaning, a reason for shame,'
- should be its here.
(Proofreading your work more than once for little grammar errors is a good routine to get into, or making sure to run a decent instant electronic check; it shows readers that you have put in the effort to make sure your poetry is well-presented and completely readable!)
'Forever it cycles – like hourglass sand.' - This is the only line that didn't seem like perfectly fitting to the rhythm to me. I found something about it a bit jarring, perhaps the use of the dash.
'A glimmer of hope in the knowledge that each,
Grain within - has found some peace.'
I really think the comma at the end of the first line here doesn't fit; the sentence needs to flow over as 'each
Grain within'. The dash seems a little odd put here to me too, though not jarring like before.
The use of mostly simple words and style works very well here, however, I thought the repetition of 'glimmer' in the last stanza made it sound redundant, as well as the double use of 'pain' earlier.
Pain isn't a very good word to use, as it's very telling. There's so many forms and ways to SHOW it, as it's a very vague concept (could have a million more poems wrote on it) - perhaps there's another, more specific, right word you could find to use instead, at least one of the times...?
Feel free to disregard or argue any of my suggestions; they're just opinion , and only minor things at that, anyways.
This piece didn't have that stunning or magical quality for me, but I found it an enjoyable read and it resonated a bit inside, so many thanks for sharing it
I think it's alright, but it read much too choppy for my liking - it lacked flow to the extent it got more like a string of statements.
But the actual content there was rather good, I especially liked this image: 'The light that guided hope now sits on the fallen sun'.
Write on!
Generally quite okay, looks like they'd sound alright sung.
Suggestions/Comments:
'chorus
God save me
Just let me die'
Put the ‘chorus’ in italics or something. It looks like part of the song like that and unclear.
The rhymes are a bit too simple/predictable, adds an unfitting sing-songy feel to the words.
So let me die, God, let me die
Let me die God, let me die
I dream of death when I'm asleep
Results of thoughts that cut too deep
So let me die, God, let me die
So let me die, God, let me die
I really liked the lines in the middle, but I think the repetition is overdone, maybe cut it down to I dream of death when I'm asleep
Results of thoughts that cut too deep
So let me die, God, let me die
Let me die God, let me die
Or similar. But that’s all my suggestion ^^
Keep Writing!
Some great imagery and word use as well as rhythm in this; especially liked the first stanza in it's entirety.
Suggestions/Other:
'you get everywhere
traveling forever,
anywhere you choose,' Was a bit 'stumbly' to me amongst the rest of the stanza. It also doesn't really seem to say much interesting or anything the rest of the stanza mostly conveys. I think it might be better off replaced or condensed.
Btw, you missed out the punctuation at the end of the second stanza.
I just have to start off by saying the interaction between Jason and Kelly really is greatly done throughout the piece. I especially liked the scene at the end with her mother and him as well, which gave the ending a nice touch.
Suggestions etc*
In the title: should be 'love’s' instead of 'loves'.
First paragraph,
'He could believe that it was only four short hours ago that this whole journey had begun.' – supposed to be couldn’t?
'She shuffled her feet slightly, wrung her hands nervously in front of her the whole time staring at her shoes.' – the verb seem to be shifting between tenses here. Replacing wrung with wringing would possibly be enough to set it right. Also, some sort of punctuation is need between her and the, so it can't read 'of her the'.
'he said introducing myself.'
and a bit further down, 'Jason did the same and we ignored the looks of everyone.' and 'Kelly must have realized that we were' - you're slipping between first and third person.
'and she whispered in his ear.
"Why is everyone looking at us!" she hissed.' - wait, is she whispering or hissing, or some type of new mix of the two?
A lot of time to show uncertainty or embarrassment, your nice dialog gets covered in ellipses. They're a good tool for it, but try to use other methods more in the story, because they're getting awfully overused in my opinion.
'between then because she suddenly released his hams,' hams? *sweatdrop* Presuming it was meant to be hands/arms.
'Jason gently took her hand in his and placed his other hand on her hip, she placed her other hand gently on his shoulder.' - 'hand' used too many times - confusing.
There are also a lot of other grammar things in here, as most of the ones mentioned have also been; like your instead of you're often. Maybe use a tool in some Word Processor or online to pick out and correct the problems? Or find someone to beta/proofread for you.
I enjoyed it in the end, and ignoring things grammar related, there was little wrong.
Thanks for the good read,
Keep writing ^_^
A great poem, which I thought had an excellent rhythm to it and nice rhyming. I really liked the format of it e.g. when you wrote:
between
There
and Here
I thought the presentation of it was very good, especially with the colouring. Most people just write their stories or poems in plain black and the different colours stood out and made it look more interesting.
A very good poem with great rhythm and rhyming. I really liked the way the woman's feelings were conveyed so clearly and how she doesn't want her husband to be sad or have to feel any pain because of anything she does.
Spelling/Grammar
In the summary - A woman writes a good bye note for her husband before taking the plunge
Good Bye is also one word - Goodbye
I found this section of your chapter teriific and I thought all your descriptions were brilliant. It really started me wondering who this 'she' was; I might have already known if I'd been able to read the previous chapters.
A good poem. I really liked the rhythm of this piece. I especially liked the first few lines of the second stanza and the alliteration in the third as well as in some of the rest of the poem.
Spelling/Grammar
Witn a child's curiosity - With
Somewhat astray, disaware. - As far as I know, this word doesn't actually exist. When you're not aware of something, the word unaware is usually used.
When succombed to a... - succumbed
Sacriligious sanctimonious... - Sacrilegious
From a first born... - first-born
Write on
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/louise2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:17am on May 01, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
Suggestions for improvement:
I thought the second sentence, second paragraph, was too loaded. It was run-on and all the adjectives made it a bit too heavy, although the image you were creating was very good. I especially liked the vision of 'a hypnotic shade of burnt peach'. 
I would suggest breaking the sentence up after that bit - putting the simile about the shadows as its own sentence. 
Furthermore, I thought the image of 'brilliant' parchment was a bit off - I find it a touch difficult to try and think of parchment as brilliant - I think you were referring to the brilliance of the light on it, but the plain meaning of 'great' is more common, and this made it slightly confusing. 
Also, I think pencil 'lines' would make more sense than 'marks'.
I rubbed the velvety neck absently. - her
I think the dialogue would read more comfortably if she said 'some people think that they'll'. 
Finishing note:
'For wind is wind. And dust is dust.'
'Perhaps its for meaning, a reason for shame,'
'A glimmer of hope in the knowledge that each,
The use of mostly simple words and style works very well here, however, I thought the repetition of 'glimmer' in the last stanza made it sound redundant, as well as the double use of 'pain' earlier. 
, and only minor things at that, anyways.
Btw, you missed out the punctuation at the end of the second stanza.