I am not experienced at Haiku either, but I see where yours conform to the Japanese 3 line, 5,7,5 syllables. I thought you evoked beautiful mind pictures, especially in the second one.
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:I have no experience in the short-shorts, but I do know that every word must count.
Tempo/Tone:There was a detectable Tempo or rhythm to your story.
Opening:The opening grabs the reader's attention.
Characters & Dialogue:In very few words we know that there is a father in a hospital waiting room who has a child with a serious heart condition on the operating table.
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:No problems.
What I liked:The description of the child's passing and the questioning of the father's connection to the world. Very moving.
What I disliked:I'm not sure what I think about the forced smile, but I believe even though the father was understandably very angry with God, he smiled anyway and God rewarded him by returning his smile. Or maybe God smiled because he wanted the father to know that his child was okay. I may be way off of the mark as to you intended message, but that's what I got out of it.
Plot:N/A
Ending: As discussed above.
Comments/Suggestions for Improvement: The ending is too mechanical. My suggestion would go something like "And then God smiled in return."
This is a good example of dialog that displays emotion through speech. There is no need for dialog tags because each character has a distinct pattern of speech. The dialog was believable considering the era that each of the speakers came from. Sometimes, at my age, I think I've walked thru a mirror into the future also. I mean, where did the 60's go? DId it even exist?
My reviews are meant to be instructive and suggestive, not definitive.
Overall Impression:Very impressive descriptive writing. I could smell, taste and feel the chocolates. My mouth was watering at one point!
Tempo/Tone:Good tempo and the tone matched the piece perfectly.
Opening:
Characters & Dialogue:
Spelling, Grammar & Punctuation:Superb.
What I liked:The descriptions of the different chocolotes, how they felt, smelled, and tasted. This would be an excellent exercise for anyone who wants to make images come right off the page.
What I disliked: There was nothing to dislike
Plot:
Ending:The silver box and the chocolates had to be very expensive. WHO SENT THEM? The ending note "ENJOY" was perfect.
For such a short piece, it is powerful in its impact on the emotions. I hope the act of writing it provided some relief to you. My parents both passed at an old age and it was completely expected. However, my brother, just two years younger than me passed six years ago. For the first three or four years I felt that same terrible loss on the anniversary. The ache in my heart lessened with each passing year though I doubt it will ever completely go away.
A wonderful story. The dialog was believable, the character of the Athiest was perfectly delightful with his quick wit and impeccible logic. I especially like the ending depicting God in shorts and Hawiian shirt.(The ultimate beach bum). I got a good laugh out of the ending comment of God. There were only a couple of spelling errors: "bare" instead of "bear" (occured a cople of times) and "quiet" in stead of "quite."
Great Possom story. By the way, "Tumblesault " makes a lot more sense than Somersault or Summersault. Once in a while Reader's Digest runs an article asking readers to submit words that they think should be in the dictionary but aren't. Your Tumblesault would be an excellent entry.
You make me wish I had kept a journal about my mix pit bull/labrador when she was a puppy. Some of her antics were pretty funny. And I can tell you that dogs are sneaky too!
I really enjoyed these journal entries. I especially got a belly laugh out of the last line. I like the way you tag your items at the end of the piece to encourage readers to continue. Good job. Gunny
I couldn't stop reading this little vignette. I am also an animal lover. I didn't think I would have adopted a wild animal the way you did, though, now I may. You brought tears to an old Marine Gunnery Sgt. with the death of your friend and to know that you have made room for his/her next generation. Thank you for such a heart-warming story. Keep writing!
A great story! I thoroughly enjoyed it. There were some minor problems with grammer and punctuation and if not for that, I would have rated this a 5. Example: When you slam a door, it usually means you are angry. Angrily slamming a door is redundant. Also, it isn't physically possible to ask something "angrily." You can ask quietly or loudly, but not angrily. To show anger you could have the little brother try to jerk his arm away. The punctuation (?!) is a no-no. Please, one or the other. "Dozens of kids were 'littered' across..." Usually it's inanimate things that are littered, like trash or bodies. A better choice of word would be scattered or spread out. The sentence: "I had watched from a distance as my brother also began to play." is too passive. You could tighten it up and make it more active by eliminating the words "had" and " also began" i.e. "I watched from a distance as my brother played the game." Do you see the difference? These are mistakes that all beginning writers make, and I make them myself at times. The reason I am pointing them out, is you have entered the piece in a contest, and these are some the things they are going to be looking for. I loved the story. It's a keeper!
Although this story was well-written and well-edited I thought it a bit long and rambling. I'm thinking your intended audience is those who are about to go through the "empty nest" syndrome, but for those of who have already gone through it, there was nothing new to discover. Again, I want to emphasize that your writing is excellent, but for this story, my interest began to fade when you began describing all the other diners in the restaurant. I know that sounds crass, but today's readers are an impatient lot and to hold their attention you need to keep the tension going throughout the story. Long descriptive passages with no action makes for dull reading. Respectfully, Gunny
This is nice story about contrasts.There were some nice visuals that you included like the black cat prancing happily down the corridor. The contrast of the peaceful life of the boy and his mother and the chaos that ensues. The boy has a passion for words which is so strong, he is able to stop amid all the noise and smoke and look up the word "chaos."
You used a very good sense of feel with the vibrations being felt through the feet. If I may, I would make a suggestion that you need to watch for redundant verbage and eliminate it. Things like "badly battered" is a redundant phrase because there is no "goodly battered" only battered. After the boy grabs his clean clothes there is no need to write that he dresses in them because the reader will assume that. Always leave room for your readers to think for themselves. Don't tell them every little thing that goes on as if they didn't know anything. Leave things to the imagination of the reader and they will be more interested in your story and get more involved. Go through your story sentence by sentence and omit everything that doesn't actually add to the meaning of your story. Then see if it doesn't read better. I guarantee it will.
Excellent! Your use of all the senses was what made this story so compelling. Your scenes were well-written. The symbolism of the quietness spreading added meaning and depth to the story. You packed a lot of information into such a short space, but it didn't seem cramped or forced. I really appreciated the good editing job. There were no glaring misspelled words that many writers seem to think is unimportant. Nothing distracted me from the story once I got started. It was paced just right. You did an excellent job with this story. One of the best I've read in a long time. Gunny
I thoroughly enjoyed your story and all the "groaners" to boot. I like a good spoof as well as the next guy. You story moved along well and the dialog was believable. It must have been fun to write because it was fun to read.
The Egyptian Book of The Dead reads an awful lot like The Book of Genesis. God created Light and they of the darkness do not comprehend the light. Beautiful. If nothing else, this is the knowledge of the ancients and we would be well advised to study and comprehend their messages.
A nice little boy meets girl story. I notice that English isn't your primary language so you'll need someone to edit for you. That aside, your story was well-written and moved along without any wasted side-trips or wasted dialog. If you can find a friend who knows English, have him/her help you with tenses. Example: "I followed her lead and eat..." s/b "I followed her lead and ate." (past tense).
When I read this poem I thought about my brother who passed from us six years ago. I feel exactly the same way. You put it into words that I have not been able to express. Thank you for expressing your thoughts so eloquently. Gunny
I enjoyed this little piece. It is a reminder to all of us that there are those of us who are unable to respond in normal ways, but that those who care for them are loyal and loving to them.
Although I'm not into vampire stories, you did a good job staying within point of view. Your descriptions were well-written and the vampire character is well-rounded. I was turned off by the killing of a child. Maybe a scared rabbit or fox, then to find out that blood from animals does not satisfy her craving. That aside, you did a good job on this story. Oh, one other minor but import point...the past tense of spin is spun. The word "span" means to reach across from point A to point B as in the bridge spanned the river. Gunny
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. You made good use of all the senses of sight, taste, touch, hearing, and smell. I liked your descriptive narratives esp. "...forcing the flow of our fellow students to split into two streams around us."
Your dialog was believable throughout the story.
I found one awkward spot: "I wondered what I risked with a "Yes." To a male upper-schooler..." I had misread that as one sentence and didn't realize it until further on and had to go back and reread it. I suggest you reword it so that the 'Yes" doesn't end the sentence.
The sentence: "The view of the walk down is amazing." This is sentence is pure "telling." What follows is a so-so description of the view. I suggest a rewrite to "show" an amazing scene, but if it really isn't important to the story, just eliminate it.
The paragraph starting "The line had already formed..." does nothing to move the story forward and is unnecessary since the next paragraph works nicely as a transition without it.
The sentence "The world of the parentless and the penniless..." is unnecessary because it tells us what we already know. NEVER tell the reader what they already know, it sounds condescending.
I really like the contrast between your two main characters and how you used it to build tension as the story moves on.
Characterization of both human and robot characters was excellent. Everyone had different character traits and you used that to good effect. I enjoyed the tension created in the rail car scene.
Good tempo and good sentence rythm. Well edited. I found myself glancing to the right to see that the story was going to end too soon. I wanted to read more. But your story ended exactly where it should and I felt satisfied that all the ends were tied up at the finale, and that the two main characters would be able to handle whatever the future has in store for them.
What a great personal story! I especially liked the moment when it dawned on you that you'd be staying at a resort hotel together and decided that that wasn't your cup of tea, so to speak. This was well-written and fast-paced. It shows how all of us can make snap decisions in the heat of the moment, then when reality sets in, we realize we've made a mistake, or we didn't think it through before deciding. Unfortunately, I think this is the way many people cast their votes for political candidates. In your case, you could change your mind, but once that vote is cast, it's too late. How did I get off on that tangent? Anyway, a great piece of writing. Keep it going. Gunny
I think this an excellent story. It held me all the way through. The anti-gun crowd will love this one. Again, you have a real knack for scene setting. Your descriptions are not overdone and leave just enough to the imagination. The pace of the story is good and keeps moving forward. As good as I've ever read and I read a LOT! I especially liked that comment from Larry: "I like seeing you in that T-shirt." It got me to thinking, what a strange thing to say unless he knows her. Then I thought, maybe he just made a typeo. The tie-in to the title hadn't yet dawned on me. The ending was delightful. It was just realistic enough to have a ring of truth as she loses her mind after killing a man. In no way did it seem contrived or "convenient." The way you tied the ending in with the typo was very clever. Wow, I'm impressed. Gunny
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Please write more! Gunny