A pretty good adaptation of a love gone terribly wrong. I liked your line about the stone being thrown into the glass heart. I can envision the glass shattering, beyond repair. But, I think that your heart is strong because when one writes from the heart it makes one's work strong and vibrant, which is what I think your writing is on this one.
Truely a love story written with passion. Very good editing and I know your heart went into this piece.
I especially liked this passage:
A sound so sweet like the chirruping of crickets on dew sodden grass; when I am near
him you can hear the gravity disintegrate and I am left floating on a cloud of his love.
Ahh yes, those were the bad old days weren't they? I liked the way you segmented the story and told the story as it really was, not with exaggerated B.S.
Best Regards, Lynn
Excellent story telling. Your scene setting was delightful. All around an impressive piece of writing. I was very impressed with your use of the sense of smell, especially the roses and lilacs and how that came into play later in the story. The ending caught me off guard. I love surprises and this one got me. I remember reading a story years ago called The Lottery that was very similar but I can tell you this story will stick in my head for a long time. Thank for sharing your wonderful craft with us. Best regards, Lynn
This is what I would probably classify as literary drama. It certainly isn't light reading. However, once one delves into the verses you begin to see the hidden meaning. I think the last stanza sums it up beautifully in showing the failed search was tried anew, not being distracted by our own fears and misgivings. It resulted in each finding out who they were as individuals, yet also found they now know each other's heart. I'm no intellectual and I hope I've coe close to what you were communicating. Best Regards, Lynn.
The plot of the story, if I have this correct, is that if there is no evil, then there can be no good, and if there is no good, there can be no evil. In the end, even if evil does triumph, good will find a way to re-emerge to balance the universal formula.
The setting was clear. The backstory, since this was based on book of Revelations, could have been a little more gory with the valleys running in rivers of blood and all that.
The Characters were believable. It is probable that angels would come down to be leaders of mortal men in the 'end times'.
The fact that even God cannot completely eradicate evil gives one pause to think about the reason why we have night and day, good and bad, joy and sorrow.
Overall: I thought it was an excellent story, well written and well paced. There were no 'draggy' parts. Good story telling. Best Regards, Lynn.
Overall impression: Well written, well paced. Good characterization and excellent settings. I could see the various places in my mind's eye. I liked the way you built the tension in the lab and how you made it difficult for Martha to accomplish his task. Good story telling.
Suggestions: Only two minor things:
(1) Sentence starting 'Alright' should be 'All right' unless that is the way it's spelled in the UK?? I don't know.
(2) Sentence starting 'The group of boys...' the word 'exhaustedly' kind of hangs out there awkwardly.
Plus adverbs ending in ly should be avoided if possible. (I know, J.K. Rowling, who is richer than the Queen makes her living using them) But we amatuers should avoid them like the plague. My suggestion to re-write than sentence: "The group of boys cheered as, exhausted, Martha sat on the hard wood floor."
Other than those minor things, I thought it was excellent story, one of those kind that will linger in my mind long after I've read it. Who could forget a boy's name like Martha?
Overall impression: Too many "convenient" things turn up to make the main character's job too easy. There was no real driving "need" to find out who Jack Taggart was except some vague feeling. You should establish not only a need, but a craving for him to go through all the time and expense. There should be at least two or three serious obstacles in your protagonist's way. If it's too easy, the story goes flat.
Characterizations: Excellent descriptions of all characters except your main protagonist. The reader doesn't even know his name. A good opportunity to do that would be when he shows his driver's license. A little dialogue like, "Are you sure you're John Doe?" She said. "You sure don't look like him." (something on that order)
Setting: Excellent use of all five senses.
Ending: The last sentence was unneccessary as it adds nothing to the story, plus a little unbelievable that he would get engaged after only knowing her only three days, or that she would for that matter.
Suggestion on ending: Have 'John Doe' continue his journey on the bus. This would be a great set-up for a series of stories as he makes stops along the way to no particular place.
An absolutely beautiful story, well crafted and as far as I'm concerned ready for publication. Your characters were well defined, the setting was clearly defined, and the establishment of a "need" or "want" in the main characters was established early on. The ending was well-timed and appropriate. Thank you for sharing. Best Regards, Lynn
A wonderful piece and certainly worthy of reading by anyone concerned with quality of life and freedom in this world. An equally dangerous philosophy, and quite possibly has its roots in nihilism is altruism which shuns self-interest and embraces the doctrine that any self-interest, rational or otherwise is evil. I.e. man's desire to live is evil. Liberalism best fits this philosohy. But, this is for another time. Best Regards, Lynn.
I liked the analogy of the tree bark and the outer skin of an aging person. Nothing can be done to smooth out the bark so we have to look at the inner part of the tree to find it's beauty. The only way to find the inner beauty of the tree is to use it to make a beautiful piece of furniture, to find the inner beauty of a human being is for it to find the proper use of its life. That's what I got out of it. Of course, you as the author were probably thinking something entirely different. That's what I love about poetry. Best Regards, Lynn
Well written and though the story has a definite moral, I didn't feel as if I was being 'preached' to. I felt I was reading a story and that the story had something to say. A fine description of the old Druid. We all have one of those in our minds's eye so he didn't need a lot of detailed description. I liked the story. A good read. Best Regards, Lynn.
Oh wow. I'd better get on the stick. I've been 'meaning to' for so long. Guess I'll get busy today. Good example of poems that don't rhyhm yet maintains a good meter. Best regards, Lynn
Oh my! Sounds like you went on a date with my brother.
Seriously, I loved this story. The image of the guy with a coat hanger in his mouth was GREAT! I'm glad you share your life stories with us. Your sense of humor is exquisite. Lynn
I loved the remark "...she's just not right." So typical of Southern dialict. I could picture the after-dinner activities in my mind's eye. I too gag on Turnip-greens and especially Okra. A lovely story laced with humor. A good read. Lynn
There is no doubt through reading this piece that your emotions were tightly woven into it. This of course, is what pulls a reader into the story and keeps him/her there. I know exactly the feelings that you experienced on hearing of Domi's death and the sense of his presence in the following years. As long as you hold him in your heart, he is never truley gone. As to the overall impression of this piece, it was well written, and the descriptions of your feelings was superb. All the best in your new adventure. Lynn
This is a very comprehensive view on what a review should look like. I have written all your points down and will use them in reviewing not only your work but my own. How do you copy someone's work into your portfolio to make comments on it? There are so many things I do not know about WDC and using this bitem format. I appreciate your philosophy on how a review should be done. This is a great learning tool for beginners like myself. Thanks for sharing, Lynn.
Ah yes, remembrances. How sad, how poignant. Time moves on and we are pulled reluctantly along. A very touching poem. To have you rate my scribbling so highly really is an honor. I liked this poem very much.
Very good poetry especially since you did it from a prompt from someone else. I liked the imagery and the sounds of rolling thunder. I could feel the emotions you described. If not for WDC I would never have ventured into poetry. It's opened up a whole new world to me and I'm no spring chicken. Best to you always, Lynn
A wonderful story of a time long ago when times were hard and pleasures were few. I've only found one weakness in your writing. You have salted the exclamation point throughout your story. You should seriously consider getting rid of all that are not used after direct commands, and I couldn't find any direct commands in the story. The three you have after 'MA' are unnecessary because you have already tagged it with 'yelled'. They distract the reader and when you use too many of them throughout your story they lose their value. I read somewhere that exclamation points are the weeds of literature. Best regards and keep writing, Lynn.
An entertaining story that I found very amusing although I really did feel her pain. A well written piece and am sorry she will not be with us to share more of her stories. Lynn
An upbeat depiction of a sad fact of life. My own mother passed away twenty years ago. I only wish I had the 'burden' (as so many of our young people see it today) of caring for her now. It is a beautiful tribute to your mother, yet reveals more about you than you may know. Best to you, Lynn.
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