Although I have no idea what snags & dampers are, I laughed my way through this whole story. Great dialogue and characterizaitons through dialogue, narration and action. Great story, and funny as hell.
I could just picture myself in my football days with all my team mates thinking how easy this job would be and finding out we had been snookered by the farmer. Best Regards, Lynn
A wonderful poem. Though I don't understand the spacing. In other words, it doesn't look like a poem but like a piece of prose. I found it delightful to read and it kept on message all the way through. No reference to the 'Armor of God' which I thought would be better than uniform, but I'm not a poet and it probably wouldn't fit the meter and rhythm you have established. Best Regards, Lynn
A very powerful poem. I don't agree with your assesment of the white man fools but I'm not here to criticize your philosophy, just to evaluate your writing. I could tell you were passionate about your beliefs and that is what makes the poem a good read. Best Regards, Lynn
Your piece reflects your pain, or at least that's the feeling I get from it. Writing about whatever bothers me usually purges the anger or feeling of helplessness from me. "Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. - Ralph Walso Emerson.
A portrait of a young woman who is starting out in life by shedding all she has known and is determined to make her name on her own. The piece delivers a troubled feeling while reading it. In this respect you writing is very effective.
A wonderful piece and something I have been doing since leaving college before earning a degree. The first book I thought helped me more than most was "Thirty Days to a Better Vocabulary" The words I learned during that time were invaluable when writing, whether it's been an operations manual, a business report, or just letters in general. Most people I deal with are degree holders and I can hold my own with them. Anytime I want to get my hands on a college text book on any subject that interests me, I can usually pick one up at a yard sale. Today, with all the computer search engines at our fingertips, there is no reason why everyone should be ignorant of anything, but that's another barrel of fish. Great advice for everyone, college grad or not.
Yes, this is exactly the kick in the butt I need to get me going. I think I'm probably good enough to get published but have no confidence at all! I'm stalled on that account. I would love to join your group. I'll send my bio ASAP!
I should have read this first, but no matter, this story HAS to be told. When will there be more chapters? The potential is oozing out of this tale. What happens when Athuan is finally discovered? Does he have more dark powers than he knows? When does he find out why was born, for what purpose his powers exist? Are all his powers dark powers juxtapositioned against his pure goodness? How can he not make some major missteps? Will he be able to use his powers for good or only for evil? (Assuming a power that can only cause death is evil) There are so many questions. The story is begging to be told, I hope to either read it for free here on WDC, but I'd gladly buy the book at my local Barnes & Nobles. LEC
I could find no better writing if I went out and bought it at a bookstore. I haven't read your profile yet but are you a published author? You have obviously studied the craft and are very good at it. This makes your evaluation of my writing even more valuable to me.
I was drawn into the story immediately. Your descriptions told me where I was without you telling me, in fact, I was in a world of my own making, as I'm sure every reader will be who reads it. That was much better than you, the author, telling me I am in some specific place and time. Good fantasy technique. There are no wasted words or scenes, everything works toward the next chapter which I can't wait to read.
Thanks for bringing this caliber of writing to WDC.
This was a great story! You did a fantastic job of keeping the past in the present as I, the reader, was able to be on board the little submarine and feel the action right along with Seaman Collins. You obviously did a lot of research for this story. This is short story writing at its very best in my humble opinion.
Although I agree with absolutely nothing in your rant, I'm not here to criticize your political or personal beliefs but to tell you what I feel about your writing. I think it is well written, definitely got your point across, and is heart-felt. It is well edited and nicely presented. Best Regards, LEC
Well written and passionate. Only the misguided and naive liberal platitudes make this piece less than it deserves. Our president is not a king and does not rule supreme over the land. Other than that slight oversight, a well written subjective opinion piece.
Although I totally disagree with your naive assesment of the president and his imagined totalitarian grip on a helpless American people, you stated your position well. Good writing. Best Regards, LEC.
Well written and darkly sad. It seemed to me that there was no resolution to the poem though. It tells me that if the person this poet loves does come back, he/she would still push them away. The poet in this case is indeed a poor lover and the object of his love would do well to RUN!
A wonderful story beautifuly told. I'm from North Carolina, believe me, if I ever see any brochures for Coonabarabran, NSW, Aust. I'll put to those to one side. Your story flowed nicely and I was able to picture your honeymoon 'suite' perfectly. Sad to say, here in the USA, due to light pollution, there are very few places where the night sky that you describe can be seen anymore. I really liked your description using the word 'blistered.' Good writing.
Very good. I don't know if you were a military person, you didn't say you were. I have to say you were quite accurate as far as how the war would be fought. The overall feel of the story was also accurate. I really liked the phrase, "..feral patience." Like a lion lying in wait, ready to pounce. The only variance from reality is that little children and women were not given weapons, they were used as shields. Many of our marines and soldiers are killed because they are ordered not to fire upon the obvious innocents unless their own lives are in danger. Too many of our boys hesitated to to that and paid with their lives. Excellent portrayal of warfare, again, if your aren't military, I'm amazed at how you accurately got the feel for how this war would be fought at such an early stage of the war.
In my dumb way of thinking, literature should be uplifting and inspiriational. You have beautifully described what heartbreak is. All of us have lived through that at least once in our lives. So what? We have to go on with our lives. What we long to read is how someone who has been destroyed by heartbreak but finds their own way to defeat the hopelessness and decides to live their own version of life. Do a spell check and dump the doom and gloom. Just my humble opinion.
Great story told from a unique and original perspective. I loved the fact that the main character's sister was the 'naughty' one. Usually it's always the boys who are tagged with that label. She loses a tooth, great symbolism. All kids lose their baby teeth and from now on, I'll always see little girls with a tooth missing as 'naughty.' NOT! Anyway, well edited, well written, and welcome to our family. All the best. Ed.
Well written and edited. Believable characters. One scene flows nicely into the next. The scene with the field of pink Fireweed was written beautifully. I just hope writing this story has proved to be cathartic and provides some relief for your sorrow.
Darn it, I try to keep my 5.0 ratings to a minimum but I can't help it, this was a good story. I was ready to wrap it up for the day, but I thought, I'll check out one more story. I really liked this one. I like the fact that you made Leena unable to see her own weaknesses but blamed everyone else. She was a typical "victim" who doesn't think that she might be the problem, but everyone else is the problem and the only way to succeed is to eliminate those problems. A true psychopath is Leena. Great story.
One of the best stories I've read in a long time. Some may not understand the symbolism of your tale but I thought it was wonderful. A tender and touching love story of a woman who is torn between choosing a good solid marriage without love and one that would be wild and passionate. Not one word of it was unneccessary. Every word, every thought brought me to the climax of the story. I am not a native American, but I have studied the culture of the many divergent tribes. I think you have absolutely and correctly captured and portrayed their beautiful folklore in your piece. I would be devastated to learn that you are not a native American woman. You deserve a five star rating because your story was well written, free of any grammatical and spelling flaws and because you held me spellbound with your vivid images throughout the entire story. Best Wishes. Ed.
Obviuosly you love to write because the words just seem to flow. Your dialogue was good. I got a laugh out of some of the situations you put your characters in. What follows is not intended to dampen your enthusiasm...God forbid!
For a short story, you have way too many characters for the reader to deal with. You should concentrate on one or two people. Readers today are too impatient to try to keep track of more than three people in a short story. All the Best and keep writing with enthusiasm. Ed.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lynncar/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 10:35am on May 07, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
