Just thought I'd give a little review to your piece.
Very interesting; you seem to have a good grasp of philosophy, I did note a a certain discrepancy and that is the use of "Jesus" and "God"; God could be resolved by acknowledging it/him as a divine power that we are all part of; being flesh and atoms, but "Jesus is a direct statement in faith to one divine god ruling over us and abolishes our idea of free will which in itself is a contradiction as a man can not denounce free will therefor rendering his free will not so free after all.
I also believe dignity is a notion of the false ego and prevents the virtuous from becoming a sage as to drop all sense of ego is to eliminate persona and seat us firmly in its opposite, the animus.
Setting those aside, I bow my head to a very interesting read with elements of Randism thrown in to nourish the reader with the idea of free will and unlimited capability, should one desire to access his/hers.
There's always a great deal of worry when entering your thoughts into another persons work, If it has a strong beginning you're silently begging them not to let you down as the feeling of lackluster is a feeling I know too well by reading some of the work on here but you seem to have kept pace with yourself brilliantly with carefully selected words and the ability of knowing how and when to use them. Your sensory descriptions are raw and visceral with instinctive flow and I'd very much look forward to reading your other pieces, if i was to offer any criticism it would be loose and personal choices of my own that wouldn't greatly impact the quality of your piece so I reserve such judgments.
Ok I'll start on a positive then with a negative and then end with a positive.
Positive= A good use of deliberation from your characters mind on such matters of happiness and money, a question most of the populace ask themselves each day so with that as a hook for your audience (Being a common ground) you should build upon this.
Negatives= "Lidocain" This is obviously the dentists drug of choice for pain relief as is Novocain, a more world renowned pain relief, either is good but try to target your audience with a largely known product. The story at times seems a little wooden with little thought put into its metaphors; example....."drilled out in pieces like a broken furniture".......? Is broken furniture drilled out in pieces? Also try to spell check once your piece is complete and check for errors such as the cost of polishing being more costly than tooth removal. Try to connect with your audience, give them some substance and they'll give you their time and their hearts. Also, this piece doesn't seem complete with no real resolution at the end. What became of this man? What choice did he make to further his happiness?
Positive= Despite it's errors there are portions of this story that shine through a little "Money or Life which is the source of happiness, without money a mere toothache is enough to shatter ones happiness" This seems to be your best line, analyze it, find out what makes it good, search that feeling you had when you wrote it and find that feeling again. When you write, it must be for you, your only competition? Yourself, or at least your last attempt.
The biggest tip I could give you? Analyze your structure and work on the rest after. Stay cool my friend and remember the three P's. Practice, Patience and perseverance.
Just thought I'd give a review to your piece. On the whole it's good but try and pay attention to your contradictions, there's a good flow to your work but a metaphor of "Sleeping water" contradicts "Motion" yes indeed we are all those things and you can use the two together but it seems to stand out as head scratcher moment. You had strong start to this piece and a very firm foundation to build on yet the end left me a little lackluster.
A nice piece of work. It doesn't ramble into unnecessary unbeaten paths and keeps this piece simple, to the point with a good use of words. I was going to offer a criticism on just adding a little extra sensory description but the piece is more of the mind than of the body. "I pause; I breath; I smile" is a lower hook that gives cadence to the work. However it does need something other than "In caressing sands of misplaced time" The line seems to be very subjective mostly due to the word "Misplaced" However the rest of the piece is perfect. Well done
A very well researched piece which captures a certain mood which I'm sure would have been prevalent in such times. You're clearly well versed in the beauty a word can provide and it shows in your choices. All in all a very good piece. If I could offer any criticism it would be the cadence of the piece at times being a little fragmented and reading much like a history book, but a well orchestrated one.
Sincerely M.D.Meeks
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