winklett,
How fortunate for Brynn that she has you for a Mom. You made me see things in a new way. Your way with words and with poetry are filled with beauty, sound, light, and color. All things I cherish as a legally blind person.
The poem lifted me up.
Thank you.
Hey GWFrog,
What an absolute delight! I have what "certain other people" call Senior Moments. I prefer to think the computer in my brain is just rebooting. Your story reminds me of the little ditty I just finished.
Good work. Keep writing.
Christo, bittersweet poem. Very touching with vivid imagery detailing all the senses: sound - the click of a digital clock; sight - purple shawl; scents - perfect perfume, smells of lilac; feel - washed the empty jar, swirling in my brain. Line after line of beautiful, descriptive writing. It goes from high to low, bright to dark, life to death all in one story.
The part that held me back a little -- even though I get point, I thought "perfect" was over used.
Well done.
Heady, a couple of suggestions:
Verse 2: ...acts set you free, not your.
Verse 3: last line. If I'm reading this correctly it should read either country's or countries' not countries. (depending upon your meaning).
Verse 4: ...lives on stake... should be lives at stake.
With that said, it's a fine piece. The new ending done very well. Fine Job!
sofie712 on hiatus {/s}
Heady, this is another bit of prose that's poetry in itself.
Suggestions:
line 5 - obstAcles
also: "ignore your inner demond" leave the D off demon.
last line: "your" should be "you're"
These changes could easily bring your rating up another whole STAR!
This is not only a sweet letter from Mom to Son, it's good advice for all of us to remember. I like the lyrical quality of the lessons. "the local morning news" brings it all into reality that you are seriously teaching him in your every day routine. Sweet.
Do you know how to go back into the item and make the suggested changes? Let me hear from you and I'll change this rating.
Heady,
More, more, more. I'm getting ready to really like these lyrics. Sounds to me like you're a natural lyricist. I'll bet you can do song and poetry. Right?
Comment: Read it aloud to yourself once leaving the "and" out of line two. There. Sounds better to me. How does that sound to you?
HI HUNTERS MOON . This review is from Showering Acts of Joy.Thank you for sharing your limerick. I hope my comments are helpful. However, you are always encouraged to follow your own instincts, and always write Write WRITE.
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First Impression: I selected this because it was under Humor. True to form, I laughed and giggled all the way through. The idea of Bo-Peep needing a sleeping aid is a funny premise all by itself.
Suggestions: Keep up the good work!
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar: All good.
Atta Boy: Unlike Bo-Peep, I was not bored, and I trust you won't be bored by another 5-star rating.
Hi Hektor. This review is coming from Showering Acts of Joy. Thank you for sharing your writing and allowing me to review it. I hope these comments are helpful; however, you're always encouraged to follow your own instincts and always write, Write, WRITE!
What a delightful story. The king and court jester are both well drawn characters. Even though Jester is not happy with his lot in life, he's a likeable, empathetic character with clear motives. The animals having human voice/personae is an excellent technique for leading the reader and holding interest.
>Please take a look at this sentence: And this he indeed carry out with high praise. should be carried out.
"Three minutes after midnight to be exact." What a great sentence! Grabbed my attention with the precision. However, it feels like this paragraph should be divided up into more than one sentence. Can you figure a way to do that?
This reviewer will be interested to see how further chapters of The Canary with a Broken Wing develop.
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sofie712
Thank you, StoryMaster. I've been here over six months,and have missed out on several of these ideas and tips. Appreciate the reminders and bringing us all up to date on how we can get more use out of WDC.
sofie712
Hi, Watchful. Just finished THE PLAGUE. First, I'd like to say Welcome to WDC! I have several comments and suggestions for you. Do NOT be discouraged. Your writing is intriguing. This is a sit-on-the-edge-of-your-chair story.
You mentioned in your bio you liked to write in 3rd person. You do a fine job of it, but need to pay special attention to verb tenses and spelling.
1. The title has OUTBRAKE. should this be OUTBREAK?
2. rifle foamed casing. Should it read rifle's foamed casing?
3. ...the door opened wider and wider with time. It should be: the door slowly opened wider and wider or just the door opened wider and wider. with time is extraneous.
4. leaped fluently (?). No. Maybe leaped fluidly? not fluently.
5. the ground thousands of miles under him. Please check out the distances, this is a little much, even for paratroopers.
6.couldn't see.....whatsoever. Leave off the whatsoever.
7. When the strain on him past... should read when the strain on him passed
.
8. Here are some of those verrb tenses you should look at to correct:
- gravity comecame
- before he come. Same error.
- it come from within the vehicle. Same error.
9. found way to Point Bravo. found the way to Point Bravo.
10. Andrew like the sunrise. Again, past tense. [b}liked the sunrise.
11. Inhumane gurgle should be {i]inhuman gurgle.
12. The bodies lied motionless. Again, verb tense lay{/i] motionless.
13. Nestled against the tree trunk rifle. Not sure what this means.
Now, you're a good writer, your story builds tension, clearly describes scenes and makes the point clearly. Keen Writing!
I know you're new, so don't get discouraged. Please check spelling in your bio.
Try some of the WDC newsletters and a Newbie Form to find helpful articles on grammar and usage. They've got some great stuff.
Thanks for letting me read and review PLAGUED.
GOOD LUCK!
Majel
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
{#1722254}
Hi, Rudiepop. A couple of changes that are purely suggestions.
1- silence and communion with my Master
2- How much do you love mecomma Jack?
3- Upper case This is the first comm. . .
4- This is a story told in first person. I'd like to see the ending lines continue in first person: . . .expressed in fullness I begin to understand who God is . . . and more of who I am.
Again, I enjoy your work.
WRITE, Write, write.
Majel
Monique-Jeanne
This real-life experience was a fascinating read. I enjoyed the detailed descriptions you gave of the people and places. They made the story very clear. I'm an A negative donor and know how our blood is valued. I got a big grin on my face when you got a meeting with the Mayor, the medal, and press story. It shows how very important the gift of giving blood is. Can't imagine how you dealt with the terror of waiting on the tests from your little girl. The part about fainting and getting all that attention AND groceries in the supermarket was delightful.
The part about Françoise' death, the loss to her family, and the loss of your friend showed a touching part of you that made it so very personal.
I find no flaws in the story; some of the expressions were not familiar to me, but I enjoyed it very much.
WRITE, Write, write.
Majel
The author knows exactly how to craft the words to grab the reader right in the heart. What enchanting thoughts! Doug is very articulate about drawing those finely detailed word sketches in the mind's eye of the reader that there is little left to say. Just read, savor, enjoy, daydream.
Beautiful piece.
Jack, I was drawn to this poem because of the title. October happens to be my favorite month and Autumn my favorite season of the year. I don't usually review poetry, but I must say, this piece conjured up the scenes of October (and my youth) very clearly in my mind's eye. You possess a wonderful ability to create sensory feeling, along with clearly drawn word pictures.
I find no flaws. The air, sludge, everything was real to me.
Now, I'm going outside to look at the October night sky.
Thank you for a lovely look at October.
majel
David, what a story! First I mention two things.
1. In the paragraph that begins
"He couldn't really remember..." Susan had changed to. Should read "Susan had changed, too.
2. The paragraph beginning "It was starting to sprinkle..." it states myriad of hotels. Shouldn't it be myriad hotels.?
Now, wonderful story. My heart beat faster and faster as the story progressed. I could feel the tension in Sam in my own muscles. The suspense building was excellent. The surprise closing blew my hat off! Well Done.
WRITE, Write, write.
majel
I just learned of this site from another member. I am a walking miracle. I love to pray and share my joy in the risen Jesus Christ and the changes God has wrought in my life.
* When they noticed each other COMMA
* Assessed their take, SPACE
* Take these TWO pieces.
A lovely story, told in beautiful language, which makes it seem so sweet, and so real. How beautiful. The story isn't writen in rhyme, but to this reviewer, the author is a true poet.
What can I say? Every writer on WDC should read this. I laughed all the way through (well, except for the parts in which I caught glimpses of myself). Whatever the author's vices are, I'm glad he hasn't completely conquered this one and is still writing.
This writer has wrtten an entertaining "Other" piece that is poetry, short story, and entertainment combined. I like Ol' Fold, a lot. He's no dummy. The tension builds with the story-telling. Slim is going to win. How far will it go? Will the author lose his socks? Shorts? Dignity? I grinned all the way through, only to chuckle out loud at the last line. I find no flaws.
The piece is reminiscent of Robert Service (on of my favorites) in subject matter, style and meter.
Gonzo,
I'm 64-years old and just know I would like your music. This is a great song; would like to know if there is a part that's a refrain? Wish I could hear the beat. The words are good and the sound is rhythmic. More!.
One change? Try it leaving the "And" out of the last line.
This story intrigued me from the first paragraph. Even though it was a romance story, it was filled with tsuspense. I found myself reading as fast as I possibly could to see what was coming next. Filled, as it was, with an abundance of descriptive adjectives, I was able to see myself inside the room watching all this live and in real time. The descriptions were terrific. You have Great detailing skills.
EP 76: I don't have any edits, just wanted to remark that his paragraph made me want to hear and know more about these styles of music.
With very few minor change/corrections, this story is definitely a HIGH FIVE!
KEEP ON!
billkhaki, hope this is one you requested a review on. I'm not too big on poetry, but love haiku form and I love trees. This seems to come from so deep within the author that it feels almost too personal to review. Should it be "trees so calm" instead of "to" calm? Lovely.
sofie 712
This short-short story is concise and oh so complete. The writing is very lyrical (one might know you're a poet). EXCELLENT how you conveyed such vivid mental pictures in 55 words. Grammar, phrasing, spelling all very well done. The only caveat: the "vale of relations" threw me off. I didn't understand it clearly. Were you talking about the child's earthly family?
Good Work. I'm getting ready to read more.
sofie712
I rated this story 5 stars because it Knocked Me Out. I'll review story in a moment, but first, please check out these changes (every single one of them involves possessives):
. robes sash
+ s/b robe's sash
. "It's Robert-"
+ s/b "It's Robert! (not sure on this one)
. guess I better get started
+ guess I'd better get started
Now, that said, this is a hold-your-breath story. And I did when I was reading it. The minute by minute action, Excellent descriptive detail, and richness of the scenes drew me, held me, fascinated me. The lead-in at the beginning was a real tension builder. The last sentence? What a kick. I REALLY LIKED IT. Want more time to read more of your stories.
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