Wow, I really liked it. I like how you were able to mesh Cairn's attitude into the narrative of the story. Jesse Forster sounds interesting too. This looks like it's going to be a fun, adventurous, and comedy filled story. I'm going to keep an eye out for the other chapters and read them too.
I really don't know anything about poetry so I can't offer any ideas on the actual crafting of the poem. I can only tell you my reaction to reading it. I've died a little over the very same thing and I know what it's like. The pain seems to go beyond any physical pain that you've ever felt. I think you could have written a little about how it feels to die a little. But overall, from someone who doesn't read poems, I think you did well and I liked it.
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