Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your story: "Under The Boardwalk"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I found your story on the shameless plug page ... glad I did! Really great, eerie story!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Fantastic! What a diabolical and ironic twist!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I found only one; just a typo. "Maybe it was because Amber was just one of those people you alwats wanted to say yes to" alwats should be always.
FAVORITE PART: "She grinned over her shoulder at me again, but this time it sent a cold shiver down my spine." Great visual. I think you did a nice job with the twist. I didn't see anything as I read it the first time that hinted of Amber's treachery, but as I read it back, I could see little things that made it believable.
SUGGESTIONS: You've got a great gift ... keep using it and sharing!
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your story: "On the Road to Prom"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: My preconception was that I wasn't going to like this, however, I was pleasantly surprised!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I don't know if this was actually your experience, but it didn't come out as if it were. It came out as a scene from a book and I thought it was great!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I didn't notice any!
FAVORITE PART: "How about it, tree girl?" Loved it!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: A detailed and emotional story of the premature birth of twins.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I don't know that premise really fits since it's a true story and your experiences! But, it's very beautifully written and a very sweet tribute to your wife!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*Chapter 1 - "only because it would mark one from the time we met" I'm thinking you're missing the word "year" in this sentence.
*Chapter 5 - "The nurses became more business during their now-more-frequent visits to our room." Business-like, maybe?
*Chapter 5 - "I went into a small waiting room across the hall where there two nurses were seated and talking." Remove the word there, possibly?
FAVORITE PART: I'm a mom ... and a wife. My favorite parts were the "Brilliant Ideas"! ;)
SUGGESTIONS: Well, really I think it depends on why you wrote this and what you're looking to receive from reviews. If it's simply you writing down the story to share with your boys, their kids someday and to give a tangible "thank you" to your wife, then I have zero suggestions! If, however, you'd like to have this published, then I think you may want to look into taking some of the detail that may not be necessary (to someone other than your family ... not trying to say that anything here isn't necessary!).
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: It was hard to really get a true impression with the errors and spelling mistakes. There are a lot of places with missing punctuation or misspelled words, so have a look for them and it will make your story stand out for itself!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: It sounds interesting, again, once it's cleaned up, it'll be easier to review on the basis of the story.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*"Why did we have to kill the, this way?" Missing a word here.
*paragraph 2, line 1, "discust" should be disgust.
*"She began to sob like she had been before." This doesn't make sense. Maybe if you added "doing" - "she had been doing before."
I'm going to stop here with the errors. You may want to run a spell check tool and then also read through again to proof. I always sugges to start from the last line and then read each sentence looking for errors and then work your way up.
FAVORITE PART: I like that it's a shifter story. :)
SUGGESTIONS: Dialogue is usually easier to read and understand when it is seperated out and not written in one paragraph. I think that would help out!
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your story: "Rain"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: A great story, a few things I think can be fixed, but all in all an emotional, thought-provoking piece. Good job!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I think it is definitely an interesting story, especially with it turned around. So often you hear or read about a mother stealing away with her child to protect from an abusive father.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*"The rain poured down onto my windshield as hard as it could. I turned my windshield wipers on as high as they could," I'd suggest trying to word "as it could" or "as they could" differently. It's repetitive here.
*"bare a child with a woman who" You may want to look into this. The phrase "bare a child" implies to me the actualy act of bearing a child, which would be the woman. Maybe "conceive a child" would work better?
*"I can feel it… the interstate is right there." Watch your tense. In the previous sentence it is past tense and this is present.
*"She fell back asleep simultaneously." Simultaneously as what?
FAVORITE PART: I like the uniqueness of this story with the father protecting his daughter. It was surprising and I think while it's sad to ever think a parent could hurt his or her child, the beauty of a father's love is truly special.
SUGGESTIONS:
*"I then cried myself to sleep." This may just be a personal thing. I think if you dropped "then" it makes it more powerful. The word arrangement, to me, almost sounds like you're just listing what the character is doing.
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your series preview: "Spellsword: All The King's Men"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I really wanted to like this, which tells me that it has potential. I was just distracted in some places by either grammatical problems or flow. I'd like to re-read it if you do a rewrite!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Seems interesting and I think with work it could prove to be a solid base for a series.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*I'm not a grammar wizard, so maybe you have someone you can check with, but I think you should replace the comma with a semi-colon in this sentence: I drew my sword from its scabbard, it seemed to sing and quiver in my hands.
*3rd paragraph, 2nd line, I would either change "magic sharpened blade" to magically sharpened or magic-sharpened.
*Last line in paragraph 5: "growled" and "quietly" shouldn't be capitalized.
*The last paragraph has a lot of errors, so maybe just read it back over to find them. Sometimes reading each sentence alone, starting with the last one and working up can help editing as you aren't just reading it. I would suggest thinking about changing "outta" to "out of" as it's not dialogue.
FAVORITE PART: Nothing stands out as a favorite. I like the idea of a series and I think with some development this could be a fun character.
SUGGESTIONS:
*You may want to look at finding another way to describe the columns in the first paragraph (also, one is spelled wrong). You use the word repeatedly in those few lines and it may seem redundant.
*Also, I like the casual writing in some places (what would seem to be internal dialogue), however, it is mainly in the final paragraph while the rest of the piece has a less casual feel. I would try and reconcile those two and either lose the casualness or thread it through the rest.
*All in all, I think you have a good starting point!
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your poem: "Praying Rights…"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: FANTASTIC!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Would that the citizens of the world read this poem. Furthermore, if they would listen to it's words, we would leave in a much better world, indeed!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I saw none, however, I was definitely caught up in the poem. The way I see it, if the errors didn't jump out at me and didn't affect the emotional movement of the work, who cares about errors?
FAVORITE PART: I have two favorite parts: the first is the second to last stanza. "ALL cultures have a worth" ... a powerful thought, if people would listen to it.
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I really liked how your story had the feeling of a legend passed down orally and then finally put into writing.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I have a soft spot for the werewolf and shapeshifter legends (you can visit my port for my work in the Delusions of Grandeur folder). I really liked the explanation you gave!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*No need for a capital "A" here: A black wolf.
*"They": The bound Quechenastel
FAVORITE PART: I liked the words of Tmoti at the end: "“On moonlit nights, your hands will change to paws, your teeth will become fangs, and your bodies will bend. You will be the things that you took away from our world, You will be the Nastelqeuches, or werewolves to the white man.”" I think you did well in your words to give such a clear impression of a god handing down an edict.
SUGGESTIONS: My only suggestion is to try and inject more feeling in, especially into the relationship between Quechenastel and his wolf. That is the only reason I took a star from the rating. I think it could have been slightly more in depth why he would want to marry this wolf.
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to reviewing your poem, "A Husband's Lament".
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore!
FIRST IMPRESSION: My first thought ... FUNNY!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I like the idea behind comical poetry. I think it's so fun to read something that is funny in a form that (in my mind) is so often reserved for serious thoughts/feelings/opinions.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I don't know a lot about the technical aspect of poetry, but the only thing I can say here is that sometimes the lines seem to have more syllables than the flow seems to allow. For example:
It was then she turned around and I saw my wife standing there.
She smiled and said "What do you think of my fashion underwear?
FAVORITE PART:
I guess there is a bright side. I see this as a boon.
I've added to my knowledge...
...and I should recover soon.
I like this ending, to the point, witty and funny!
SUGGESTIONS: The line: My first mistake was mumbling "I just think it's just plain wrong!" I think you have one to many "justs" in there! :)
Thank you for sharing, that was really beautiful! It feels as though I'm reading lyrics from a folk song that is old and an ensconced traditional song sung often at the pubs in Ireland. I think you put emotions into words very well and easily transported me. Well done!
Hi, what a fun piece! It makes me cringe because there was an older man in our church when I was a kid that would turn EVERYTHING into a pun! So, it definitely reminded me of him! But, a lot of fun and slightly surprising that someone would find such humor in an underwater basement!
End of c3: Pardon moi should be pardonnez moi. Also in c4, I believe that instead of Comprendez? (which I believe is comprenez) should be comprennez vous. There was another "pardon moi" in there too. :)
Loved it! What I really like about your work is that I forget, very easilly that I am reading something here on WDC looking for a review and critiques. It's very easy for me to forget that this isn't a book I've bought. It is smooth and never awkward and the research you put into it is obvious. Remember me when you're famous!
Pick pick ... “Ghost Riders,” I answered without turnin’ around. Somethin’s different about tonight, mate. I can feel it. Somethin’s in the air.” I gave up
searchin’ for answers in the sky and turned towards Pete and Darnell. You are missing a set of quotation marks in that sentence (end of chapter 6).
I promised myself I would try and find something to critique. I wish I could find something that would actually be helpful. Great story! I had a hard time the couple of times I got pulled away from it. I was itching to get to the end. Oh, one comment. Chicago in the winter, Ramona probably would not have been wearing sandals. Have you lived there? If not, let me tell you it is COLD.
Great job, hopefully I can read some more tonight.
Oh that was great! I honestly forget for almost the entire piece that I was reading it here and not in a magazine! Absolutely fantastic! I was rooting for Skipper at the start, worrying with him as the Kubeczka's were slowly going over their last name, and cringing in panic when he misspoke! Thank you for sharing!
Here are a few things I noticed:
* "1027 Seventeenth Street. Yet, here she was..." There is something that isn't smooth about these two sentences. My advice would be to relocate stating the address. She talks about how she wasn't planning to go, but putting in the address in the middle throws off the flow.
* She waked up the concrete steps. Typo waked - walked.
* "Always one to feel entitled," with this paragraph, I think this 'entitled' line doesn't work. I don't know how it fits with her walking in after seeing no receptionist. Also, I'm not sure the feeling fits with her feeling "pathetic for creeping around"
*"She didn't want to say that single damned word, she absolutely hated it!" The irony is great!
*“Makes sense, this city’s headed for hell anyways,” she muttered. ... Very funny, as was the "F" you to St. Mary.
*"Likewise, she could not bring the child that she and her current boyfriend has aborted four months ago back to life." typo has - had
Now, I really liked the beginning of this and my notes, I thought, were pretty picky. But, one thing I don't understand is that you switch back from her point of view to the preacher's point of view. I think it makes it pretty confusing to switch back and forth as a reader. As for the ending, to be honest, I didn't understand it. I don't know if I'm missing something or if there needs to be more explanation, but I'm completely unsure why she coldy says she wants condemnation.
I hope this is what you were looking for! Thanks so much for sharing your work!
Thank you for sharing your poem! I will be honest in that, while I love poetry, I'm not great at really giving critical or technical reviews, so this will be geared more toward how it made me feel. I chose to read your poem based on the title. I was very interested to read it and see the emotion portrayed. It was very moving and touched me. I am an adoptive mom and I often think about both my son's birthmom and his foster mom. His birthmom chose not to continue contact and I was never able to meet her. I know that she loved our son so much and I thank the stars for her every day for the blessing she gave us. I cannot every imagine what any birthmother faces when she makes and follows through on the decision to place her child in someone else's care. It was touching for me to read the feelings in your poem and hope that the birthmom in our hearts is finding the peace you write about.
Keep up the great work and again, thank you for sharing your poem!
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