Greetings fyn, I just read and would now like to review your story: "The Island Letters"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I would've written this sooner tonight, but halfway through I was reminded that my apple pie was in the oven! I walked in just as the timer went off! So, thank you for the reminder!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: This was so unique and a really touching story. I was amazed at how life-like the characters were; how real the island was.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: Don't change a thing!
FAVORITE PART: While so very sad, I especially enjoyed the ending. I thought you conveyed the meaning without actually telling the reader anything. The relationship was magnificent and has inspired me to encourage a letter writing relationship between my son and my mom.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Thank you! Once again I have enjoyed your portfolio!
~Write on!
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi again, J.M. Levi - Finding My Way, this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your poem: "Sometimes" . Enjoy your shower!!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I liked the choppy feel of this. It was a little hard for me at first to get into the flow of this, but I think that might be more my problem!!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I thought it was interesting how this poem sort of builds up to letting someone in to your heart, then, at the middle falls away from that thought into one of being hurt.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: Nothing that I noticed!
FAVORITE PART: I liked the first 6 lines. Like I said it was hard for me to really feel the movement, but I like what the words say and how you've strung them together in such a visual way.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi J.M. Levi - Finding My Way, this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your poem: "Willow" . Enjoy your shower!!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I'm not sure I understood the relationship between the description and the poem itself. I was expecting something slightly different. Maybe a good thing, it caused me to pause and read this for a second time.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I absolutely love how you took the relationship of the willow, breeze and the sun and made them such a visually intimate and slightly erotic interaction.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: Nothing I noticed. I was confused by the green-eyed, gray-haired widow. I'm not sure what I missed!
FAVORITE PART: I loved the way you wrote this. I thought the energy of the words were uninhibited and pushed the movement along as I read.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Great job, thank you for sharing this!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi Riot, this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your short story: "Happy Birthday, Jack" . Enjoy your shower!!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: This was an interesting story, I thought it was definitely a good starting point to something that could be built up and added to if you ever wanted to do that.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: The last two sentences in paragraph 4 both use the word ruthless. Sometimes I think it works to have repeating words, but I think here it is a little repetitive. Maybe using a word like 'unforgiving' in the last sentence?
I do like stories with a twist, but I think that there are some things you can do to make it more believable. I think that if you spent more time in the flashback and also in his wallowing, it could make her phone call more chilling. The basis for it is there, in my opinion, I just didn't feel completely taken in by his dispair and feelings.
FAVORITE PART: While I was a little confused by why he was fearful in the alley, the phone call has such potential for being absolutely, spine-tingly creepy! I can see so much room to expand. Why is she calling? Is it really her? Is someone trying to scare him?
FINAL THOUGHTS: I thought your port was really interesting and well done! I'm looking forward to reading more! Thanks for sharing your work!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I always expect (wrongly) to read poetry that is only emotional. It's a surprise for me and definitely welcome to read the funny sides of life in poetry!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I wont say again how talented I think you are. You have a way with bringing characters to life as well as making their predicaments feel completely believable.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: The only thing I noticed was the rhyme between hang and everything. I wonder if you could fix it by changing the spelling of everything to reflect what could easily be a southern accent??
FAVORITE PART: I loved the imagery of this outlaw laying in the dust beneath the gallows! You've given such great descriptions that when I read that part I actually had the picture in my head!
FINAL THOUGHTS: George, a pleasure as always. I really do enjoy your stories and poetry; your characters truly come alive for me. Tell Sam I say hi and will stop by soon!
~Write on!
*flower*Please stop by and check out my portfolio!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: A different change of pace from your normal form of stories! Fun reads tonight!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Having a child, I know the struggle and fears that come with giving a human being a name. We thought of all the names that rhymed with our choices; all of the bad nicknames he could encounter and anything that our choices might bring to mind. This poor kid! The crazy thing is that there are parents out there that will give their children names that seem to just beg for problems!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: I'll leave comments on poetry form to someone who can help you! The only question I had was in stanza 3 ... eight years spent in school? Am I misunderstanding something?
FAVORITE PART: I love how easily this flows. I also thought that it didn't seem rushed or forced. Really funny; I laughed with the fifth and sixth stanzas!
FINAL THOUGHTS: A fun read, I enjoyed it!
~Write on!
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Greetings, fyn, I just read and would now like to review your story: "Rainbow World"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: This was such a well-written story ... if it isn't really true, don't tell me! I don't want to lose the magic of it!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I really liked how you wrote this "in the future". I thought it gave the story a little extra touch of something special and unique.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: The only thing I noticed was in paragraph 6, sentence 8. I think you may want a comma after the word "journey". I think that how it stands the sentence says you didn't tell anyone about how you saw your journey and not having the phrase "how i saw it" referring to the word journey.
FAVORITE PART: I loved the prisms' thread through the entire piece. It really showed the importance of that special Christmas gift and how it affected life from a little girl and beyond the end of life.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I greatly enjoyed reading this. It was not only a nicely executed piece of writing, but also a deep and thought-provoking story. Thanks for sharing! I'm sure I'll be back soon!
~Write on!
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Greetings, treasure one, this is a Blazin' Hot Review from The Talent Pond! I just read and would now like to review your poem: "poetry"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I thought that this poem seemed very complex with a lot of underlying imagery and meaning. Unfortunately, a lot seemed beyond my grasp!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: There is only one punctuation mark (a comma) in the entire piece; there are spots where the first word in a line is capitalized but there wasn't a period. I would maybe think that you mean to not use punctuation, except that not every first word in a line is capitalized. I'm not sure if something is missing or if this was intended. I think I may have had an easier time, as a reader not knowledgeable about poetry forms, to read and find the meanings in your poem if there had been some type of punctuation.
FAVORITE PART: I liked the imagery of "nature's painting all intertwined". I thought it was effective and easily created lovely pictures for me to imagine!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Poetry is so amazing to me and those who create it as well! Thank you for sharing!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Hi ~WhoMe???~, this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your short story: "Seasons Come and Seasons Go" . Enjoy your shower!!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: What a great story with so much depth! You describe the suddenness of weather, especially in the mountains as well as the changes of the season so well!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I thought it was great how you incorporated both ideas here.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: The only suggestion I have is to try and find variation with your sentence structure. There are some spots that seem choppy; for instance: "The birds had all gone quiet. The trees weren't rustling to and fro any longer. The tall grass stood like soldiers waiting. Everything was waiting. For what?"
FAVORITE PART: I really thought the sentences about Crayola's muse were so descriptive and truly "painted" a clear picture of the colors seen in nature. Good job!!
FINAL THOUGHTS: Ribbon well deserved!!
~Write on!
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Greetings, Lady Blackheart, this is a Blazin' Hot Review from The Talent Pond! I just read and would now like to review your story: "Exile"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: Hi there! Thanks for passing this on, I'm happy to review it! I'm not sure how in-depth you're look for, so I'll try for a happy medium!
First I'll start with overall comments. If I remember right you said you hadn't gone back and looked at this in a while? You may want to (when you can find a free moment minus kids and possum's on your counter!) and just comb through for the minor typos and the formatting. Is there are reason certain words are capitalized? It was pretty distracting, though I don't know if that is needed for your contest. It pulled me out of the story because I was trying to figure out what it meant.
I'm going to go through each prompt now:
Prompt 1: The first sentence is confusing. I think you're trying to engage the reader by making him/her wonder what the "wondering" is about. Using the word "wonder" twice so close to eachother just makes it a little awkward. At the third line, "eye's" doesn't need an apostrophe (this happens again near the end). Also, you skip between past tense and present tense (the latter by saying "for whom I am named". The timing is a little confusing. It starts on a bus, then goes back two years, returning again to the bus. Maybe if there was more here, meaning that if you fleshed these 200 or so words out to 2000 the flahsback may work better. In the middle, "brothers thoughts" and "fathers doing" both should have apostrophes.
Prompt 2: I noticed that you are capitalizing "his" when referring to Xyiss; is this intentional? You use the name "Xyiss" a lot. It stutters the flow, so maybe try rearranging sentences and using pronouns; I think that will help!
Prompt 3: One thing that I noticed in the first paragraph is the statement about remembering Eularia. It was odd that she is burned into his memory because of the color of her eyes, but that he can't remember them exactly.
Prompt 4: "I'm HALF awake and more alseep than awake." This line is confusing ... how can he be more asleep than awake if he's half awake? What stood out here is that I noticed that a lot of the story has been told to the reader rather than shown - it starts to sound like a list. For example: Instead of "the waitress who waited on us was of medium height, had brown hair and a friendly smile" you might say, "the waitress stopped at our table and greeted us with a smile. (after the order) As she walked away to relay our order to the cook, she slid her pencil back into the messy bun that kept her dark brown hair from her face." I missed the height, but I'm sure you'd be able to come up with a much better way to say it all!
Prompt 5: A suggestion for fleshing this out: You could explain why Xyiss is feeling nostalgic. You could also do a flashback to a happier time when he called him Grey.
Prompt 6: I really liked the story of Ganya ... the "For Ganya's sake" was really witty!
Prompt 7: Still a bit confused about Eularia. I'm guessing that you are planning to keep going with this, so it will probably sort itself out in the end, but as is, it's a bit confusing.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: The idea of the story has potential, in my opinion. I think there is room for a lot of development, in fact it's almost as though you just jotted down the basics for a novel.
FINAL THOUGHTS: Good start and it's great that the plot has a lot of room to grow! I think if you start with fixing up the formatting that will make it easier to read and then hit up all the typos and such you'll be on your way!
Hi again warriormom, Marleigh Rose here with a Showering Acts of Joy review for your poem: "My Journey" .
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: Pat, this was a really great poem!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: So very true! A lot of people get caught up in the daily struggles and events; forgetting that this is a big journey and that ever moment is a stepping stone along that path. I thought you did a fantastic job with describing your feelings about it!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS: None that I noticed!
FAVORITE PART: The entire thing was so beautiful! So, I'll just highlight what I loved in each stanza.
Stanza 1: the phrase, "giggling waters" was so visual and gave a slightly whimsical tone to this poem. Stanza 2: I liked the description of life constantly moving and bringing in a new adventure with each moment. Stanza 3: (Okay, maybe this one was my favorite!) The first 3 lines are breathtaking. You wrote something that (in my mind) is a simple statement of fact, but made it a flowing and lovely expression.
FINAL THOUGHTS: I hadn't stopped by for a while, so I'm glad you were in need of a shower (that sounds wrong!)! I'm glad I stopped by and thank you, again, for sharing your work!
~Write on!
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Greetings, Lou-Here By His Grace, this is a Sitewide Review from a Deacon Academy member. I just read and would now like to review your poem: "Onions in the Bottom"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I am not a poet myself, so I know very little about the forms and technicalities associated. What I can offer is how I feel; what I like and don't as a reader. I was really interested once I realized that you were taking each line from the beginning. I thought it was neat how you were able to take such a simple line and turn into something that means something completely different. Great job, I liked it!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I will forever look at those onions left in the salad bowl in a whole new light!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS/SUGGESTIONS:
*"have given away to blood;" I would suggest changing the world "away" to "way".
FAVORITE PART: As I stated above, I liked the lines that were turned into the start of the final stanza.
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I thought, overall, it was a very sweet, yet still intense look at the deepest of love.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Maybe not an uncommon theme, but I think most people have a hard time truly expressing it. I think you did a good job.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: None that I noticed.
FAVORITE PART: While I will use this same stanza below, it is my favorite:
What is spring without bloom?
What is soul without a soul mate?
FINAL THOUGHTS: For the above stanza, I would consider changing the second line to "What is soul without mate?" In my head it seems to flow better with less syllables and also matches the first line. That being said, I am not a poet and know next to nothing about poetry forms! So, take it for what it's worth!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I forgot to open my review tool. As I review a lot, it says something to me that I was so engrossed in your story that it just didn't occur to me to open it. While there were a couple of spots that I think could be improved, overall it was great.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: It's hard to address the premise in the prologue, so I'll leave that for later.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*Last paragraph of the second section: "...instincts screamed for: Ran." This was slightly confusing to me. Isn't running an escape plan? I think the point was that he didn't consciously think about running or where he was running to, however, I found it slightly confusing - that, however, could just be me!
*With this same paragraph, if you left it, I think there is something grammatically incorrect with the last few words (I'm not a grammar pro, so don't quote me). My suggestion (after the above) would be either "I ran." or "Run!" You're writing in past tense in the first part, but "Ran." is present, so it doesn't fit.
FAVORITE PART: The ending ... yikes! I will definitely be reading on to find out what happened! Any problems I noted above were eradicated by the ending, in my opinion. I think you yanked the reader's attention, leaving them salivating for the next chapter!
Also, loved the line: "I banged my head on the desk, as quietly as possible."
Greetings, RedButterfly, I just read and would now like to review your story: "The Wilderness" . My apologies that it took me so long to make my way over here! I wish I had sooner, so far I am loving your port!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I was intrigued before I started reading since you'd said it was similar to mine. I had a feeling I'd dig it!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: As we've already established, I like wolves, so how can I not think this is a good premise?! But, I was taken farther than I'd expected. I'll get into that below.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I noticed none!
FAVORITE PART: My favorite paragraphs were 6 and 8. I thought the descriptions were fabulous. I love how you started the focus on the werewolf and not on the woman. I think you did such a great job pulling the reader in and gave such an insight into what he was feeling and seeing.
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I thought it was good, but there were a few things that were slightly confusing to me. Early on you say that the girlfriend turned you away. I think that when it's mentioned again that it is a memory, but I'm not sure. Also, it seemed as though it was a short walk, so I was surprised when it was a very long walk ("taking a brisk walk with my best friend" to "upon reaching Michigan").
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Great idea for a story!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: In the last paragraph, I don't think you need a comma after "him" - "I'll have him, and Allen".
Also, a typo: "Oh boy- you guest it" - guessed.
There are also a few times where you switch between past and present tense. One example: "Our situation greatly improved, his lunch nearly complete, and he's not hungry."
FAVORITE PART: The Jacob character was a very funny introduction to this story.
SUGGESTIONS: This is very choppy. I also write in a similar style so I understand the effect you're trying to create. It just feels a little bit too much. I'd suggest going back and pulling some of the sentences together for a better flow.
~Write on!
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Greetings, warriormom, I just read and would now like to review your poem: "Desert Land"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I have always had an affinity for both the forests and the desert. I liked reading your poem and impressions.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: It is understandable that the desert brings up emotions and feelings like this.
FAVORITE PART: We spend a good part of most years in Arizona, so I know the feeling of relief at seeing storm clouds!
SUGGESTIONS: None except to keep sharing your great work!
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I want to read more! I stopped reading very quickly to give a review and just enjoyed.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I liked the idea of the locked room. I also really liked that it wasn't leaning on a scare or shock factor.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: None that I noticed!
FAVORITE PART: I don't have a specific spot to call a favorite, I really liked the whole package and was definitely left wanting more.
SUGGESTIONS: Keep on! Looking forward to reading more!
Hi J. A. Buxton, my name is Marleigh Rose and this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your story: "The Sound of Trees" .
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I'm a treehugger ... loved this!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: Obviously, you took your premise from the prompt. It makes me wonder, though, if it is a group which offers you prompts that are suited only for you. I say that because it seems that it was an absolutely perfect prompt for you; that you wrote something and then wrote the prompt. It's really a beautiful piece.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I didn't notice any!
FAVORITE PART: The reference to, "The Day the Music Died" really brought the emotions into perspective quickly. I also loved how you personified the trees. I have to agree; I think Spock waited until it was safe!
SUGGESTIONS: I don't have any suggestions except to keep writing!
~Write on!
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Hi kristiana, my name is Marleigh Rose and this is a Showering Acts of Joy review for your poem: "Just Pictures" .
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I was slightly caught up in the form of this poem; in some ways it seemed a little conflicting with the seriousness of the topic.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I am an adoptive mom, so I am always interested in reading pieces that relate, in some way, to the adoption triad.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS:
*Fourth stanza, last line: "...fate had took..." I am not a grammar queen, so this may be correct grammar, however, to me it sounds awkward. I'd maybe try "And how fate took a hand" and see if that works better.
*Third stanza: Slightly confusing to me with the reference to mom/grandma. It sounds as though the adoption was a kinship placement, however, the fifth stanza seems to imply that the birthmother doesn't know the adoptive parents. So, there may be room to make things a little more clear.
FAVORITE PART: I liked that you were able to portray the feelings, while not having a feeling of bitterness. There was sadness, but also I didn't feel as though it was a birthmother regretting, but just wanting to reconnect that bond.
SUGGESTIONS: Thank you for sharing and I'm looking forward to reading more from your portfolio!
~Write on!
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My friend, I'm honored to have been able to follow you to this point and now review "The Knockout" .
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
I'm not sure if this is a duplicate. I swear I sent it, but I was doing a review tonight and this was sitting in my draft folder. Ugh, sorry!
FIRST IMPRESSION: It's hard to give a first impression!!! But, what I will say is that it was a pleasure to see the progression from a short little bit about a part time broadcaster looking for a break, to a nice short story about a man who was able to stand up to someone who would strike fear in a lesser man; who had a goal and let nothing stand in his way.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I am not a huge boxing fan (okay, not a fan at all!), so while the boxing story didn't suck me in, the characters did - namely, Skipper. While I might not be a boxing fan, I think that the audience possibility for this is vast - have you ever thought about writing a book with short stories of different interviews in it?
FAVORITE PART: My favorite part was when Skipper went to get/drag Theresa to the interview. I kept thinking ... oh, she's going to kill him after this and I didn't imagine just how bad it was going to be!
SUGGESTIONS: Write more, write more, write more!
~Write on!
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A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: Well, admittedly this isn't my favorite piece I've read of yours. It feels slow and I haven't really been drawn in. But, it may just be that it's not my style.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: While I feel like the stories of dead/murdered musicians bogs me down, I can never say that you aren't a talented writer! The idea of possible exposure, however, is really interesting and it is one thing I'm looking forward to seeing the resolution.
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: N/a
FAVORITE PART: My favorite part in this section was the interaction with Obermeyer at the opera ...
SUGGESTIONS: continued from above ... it feels as though Obermeyer is a bit of an idiot. Though, I'm betting that isn't the case as he's been able to figure out Bartolomeo's secret.
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: Well, at the heart I love and am wildly interested in stories about Vampires. So, that is why I chose this novel (novella?) to begin with for my first foray into your portfolio - the others I found from the writing.com static page.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: I'm pretty confident that I'm not completely aware of the premise yet. Don't take that the wrong way (as per our early conversations). I'm still interested in what comes next. I think the ideas are there and I can obviously say that it's about a vampire and pianos!
TECHNICAL/ERRORS: I didn't notice any errors.
FAVORITE PART: I thought the Garden of Eden scene was very ingenous and interesting.
SUGGESTIONS: I'm looking forward to reading the next couple chapters to see how things progress. I know that this is set in older times (at least these two chapters). It's been a little harder for me to get into, I'll admit. I think there is a way to make the language "older", while keeping it from feeling like it's actually a book written in the 18th century.
Also, one thing I'm wondering is why wasn't he shocked in any way that someone was feeding from him? Was he just so taken with her beauty/charms that it didn't occur to him to be worried or surprised? Wouldn't he have thought it a bit crazy after the first time he woke up? Also, didn't have any feelings of something being different with him? Since I haven't read farther, I don't know if your theory is that a vampire feeds for sustenance or just to do it (or something else altogether), however, I'd think that one of these reasons would've made him feel differently when he awoke.
I was a little taken aback with Isis being referred to as a demon. Any reason for that?
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your digital art and verse: "" Dancing Diamonds ""
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: I tried to read the words first, but was drawn to the picture.
PREMISE THOUGHTS: The picture is really beautiful. I'm not knowledgeable about digital art, so I'm not sure if this is normal or picky, so take it for what it's worth! There is a "sparkle" on the right side of, what I'm assuming is a tree trunk? The sparkle is in the foreground. Anyway, just pointing it out! I do love how the sun is sparkling though!
FAVORITE PART: I really liked the juxtaposition of light coming from the sun and moon.
SUGGESTIONS: I definitely like the second half of the verse better than the first half. They seem almost like different styles.
Hi, my name is Marleigh Rose and I just read and would now like to review your poem: "Three Billy Goats Yum!"
A note to begin: I think it's important to say that these are my opinions and thoughts. Please take my comments with a grain of salt. If they work for you, then I'm happy to offer them; if they don't work for you, please ignore them!
FIRST IMPRESSION: At first I was distracted by the style since I'm not familiar with it. I'm glad you added some information about it! I definitely was able to enjoy it once I wasn't trying to figure out why lines were moving!
PREMISE THOUGHTS: The Three Billy Goats Gruff is usually a popular story for the kids. I think you found a unique way to tell the story.
SUGGESTIONS: I would say that this should definitely be geared towards older kids. There is definitely a hint of something sinister at the end since the story isn't resolved.
~Write on!
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You have a way with bringing characters to life as well as making their predicaments feel completely believable. 
