What I liked:
The poem has a great depth to it. I liked that you chose a seldom used word - fornever - as your theme.
There is some powerful imagery here with leaking faucets and drowning floors metaphor. Very well done.
What I did not like:
The red is seeping,
and pumped the landlord to my door.
These lines seemed to jump out of nowhere. I tried reading the poem again, but still could not figure out what you intend by the above lines.
Suggestions and Corrections:
There were a few punctuation errors. The last but second line should be Where's my last ration? In the last line, replace the double quote with a single quote as you have used the latter throughout the poem.
Overall opinion:
I liked the rich imagery in the poem. With a little editing, the poem could get even better.
Hi Cyntrolliam,
I'm writing this review as part of Spidey's "Invalid Item"
What I liked:
I liked your first verse. It sets the tone for the rest of the poem.
What I did not like:
There are a few phrase that leave me confused. I don't know what you mean by 'white stature', more so because a few lines later you mention 'jet black in the ranks'. There is a contradiction here; I wonder if it's intentional. Even then, it does add to the poem.
In your final line 'three clocks, reaped asunder', it's not clear what the clocks refer to.
Suggestions:
You can work on making a few of the metaphors a little more precise. As I've mentioned earlier, they seem to be too vague right now.
You need to add an apostrophe in the fourth line of the first verse :King Grim hunts for what's rightfully owned.
Overall opinion:
I think the imagery is too cloudy in places. Yet, overall your poem creates a vivid image. And yes, the title is awesome.
This is certainly interesting, but even after reading it several times I could understand the entire poem. Like your previous poem, this too seems obscure. While this may be a good trait to have, too much of obscurity put me off while reading.
Specifically, I could not understand this line: lonely mind ajar from wit.
Why is the mind lonely? Loneliness does not seem to fit in here.
I would like you to explore more poetic techniques. Add imagery, use sounds, make your poem more vivid.
Hope this helps.
Hi Cyntrolliam,
I am reviewing this poem for Spidey's "Invalid Item"
What I liked:
Your choice of words.
What I did not like:
I found this poem intriguing and obscure. I have a feeling you wanted to convey more in this poem. The paucity of words did not help though.
For example, the connection between the first and second lines is far to vague. Ditto for the remaining lines.
Suggestions:
I think you should have a more straightforward link between the descriptions and the words (manipulators, anarchy, governance).
I rate this at 3, but I think this piece has great scope for improvement.
Hi Cyntrolliam,
I found this poem on "Invalid Item"
What I liked:
I liked the conciseness of this poem. You say a lot in only four lines. The rhyme blends into the poem seamlessly too.
What I did not like:
In the fourth line, you use a contraction "deserves t'be there." It put me off a little; I would prefer the conventional "to be there".
You sure have got talent. It was a pleasure reading this poem.
What I liked:
You've stuck to the rhyme and meter of the sonnet very well. I myself find it difficult to stick to a particular meter, so good job there.
What I did not like:
The content of the poem is a little vague. I see a distinct break in the poem from the ninth line.
In particular, I could not grasp what the poem says here: You showed the world and cried to them to jest
I think you need to make the transition a little more subtle.
Hope this helps. Keep writing and sharing.
Utopian
Hello,
I saw this poem on the Request Review page.
What I liked:
The idea of being a reflection. Very well written. The short meter too goes well with the piece.
Suggestions:
The absence of punctuation is obvious. It appears as though this is intentional. Yet, I think the poem would read better with some punctuation.
A poignant piece. The emotion has moved me too much for me to comment on the style. Perhaps you can improve the meter (some lines were a touch too long) but I think with a strong issue like the one you talk about, the writing style is irrelevant. Great job done.
This was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Your attention to detail is wonderful. I liked the way you described the fairy, I could imagine her very vividly. The pace of the story and the transitions between scenes are just right.
Just a few points that I think can be improved on:
In the beginning you mention Holly being shocked (para 5and 10). I suggest you describe her reactions (perhaps her eyes froze or some facial expression), instead of stating that she was shocked.
The sentence length in some places is too long. Too many long sentences tend to bring in monotony. Try varying the length.
Nice piece of flash fiction. You executed the twist in the tale very smoothly.
This would deserve a 5, but for these sentences, that jarred as I read the story.
Not one city did he recognize.
I think you should replace city with face here.
Also, towards the end, you have a phrase "vaguely realized he was in bed". Here, realized doesn't go well with vaguely. If you want to imply that Jake was just getting back to his senses, you could try writing He opened his eyes to the blurred outline of her concerned face
Nevertheless, a great read. Thanks for sharing.
Malcolm
Can't say I enjoyed reading this, but it sure set me thinking. I'm from Mumbai, India. Sad to know Americans view India in such a low light, inspite of the contribution of Indians in America. Perhaps its because Indians themselves (yea, Indians residing here) don't have a great opinion about their country. I think it all boils down to ignorance about our own heritage.
I liked your writing style, it has a personal element to it.
Keep writing,
Malcolm
Punctuation/Spelling:
Didn’t see many errors except for this.
In the fourth paragraph, your sentence should read ‘I felt like I could hear my blood rushing through my ears as my heart pounded.’
Grammar:
Here’s where the major problem with the piece is. I find you frequently switching between the past tense and the present tense throughout the piece, which was unnerving to me as a reader. I think you could do well to stick to the past tense.
Plot:
The plot is thin but engrossing all the same. Towards the end of the fourth paragraph, you mention Bob sleeping on his cot. I went back through the previous paragraphs to figure out who Bob was, but found no mention of him elsewhere in the story. I suggest you could delete this since it does nothing to the story.
Other than that I liked your build up.
General Comments:
You’ve got a nice concept here. A little editing, especially with the grammar, could better this piece.
I only hope everyone on this earth could someday think the way you do.
Your words have the power to provoke thhought. That's a wonderful quality for a writer.
Keep writing,
Utopian
The story as it stands now seems incomplete. I think you've included a lot of characters without much description about them. It would be more interesting if you told the reader a bit about them. Why is Tilly Tomato in a Tizzy? What does he do about it? Just a few of the options you can explore.
Do post more of your writings.
Utopian
3rd para: You could delete the word 'necessary' after 'on the rare occasion', seems redundant there.
23rd para: 'the Sentry felt at times confused' could sound better as 'the Sentry felt confused at times'.
24th para: 'eons ago' is more appropriate than 'eons past'.
26th para: Thesntence could be broken into two with 'Actually a subship..' beginning the second sentence. That way its easier to read. Also I'd 'perhaps temporarily' to 'temporarily perhaps'.
Now for the overall story. I liked the description of the sentries, very well done. Also the tone matching to the linguistics database - seemed so possible.
The best part is definitely the climax - totally unexpected.
Write on,
Utopian
Nice poem, I especially liked these lines Trying to show me
Gods cup of tea?
How once in my
soul this cup
Overflowed ----{}
The low rating is because I found several punctuation errors. The last 6 lines should be
Clear skies prevail
God'{}s hope and trust
I'{}m the part of the sky
That can'{}t be seen
Lying{} behind this
Stormy weather
Keep writing, looking forward to reading more of your work. And oh yes, welcome to writing.com, I think it's the best thing that can happen to any writer.
Utopian
I like the analogy you've drawn between life and the ship. Overall, the piece has a nice tone, very calm and philosophical.
A few typos:
"It is gone before you have the chance to appreciate the abundant emotions it flings into you mind." should be "your mind".
"You are overwhelmed by what lays before you." Replace lays with lies.
Keep writing,
Utopian
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