I'm R.P.Byrne and I just reviewed your story on Midnight Oil. I don't do grammar or punctuation, because I'm weak in those areas.
I found the whole piece to be cute and written for the YA genre. It kind of reminded me of "Diane Duane" style of writing.
I only found a couple of things that caught my eye.
1. she reached for the box with the mouse in it. — from this point on until she gives the box to Akvan, you keep wording it as a mouse, now this is a minor technicality, but she bought a "rat" not a mouse. Some readers will catch that.
2. "You would DARE to wake up Akvan, inspirer or evil, and demand he help you with your history homework!?!" — just a minor spelling glitch (wish I could catch these on my own writings.) You have " inspirer or evil" I sure you wanted to put "of" instead of "or"
That is all, I could find, it was a good story and I'm sure you could expand on it, in both directions.
I have just reviewed your story, 'Avitron: Ephemeris Book I'
I don't correct punctuations or grammar, those are the two areas that I'm the weakest at with my own writing.
I'll talk about your story only.
I enjoyed the story. I found the characters and their description engaging and interesting. I found you descriptions of this world well done, you have a talent to have the reader see in there own mind what they would be looking at. 98% of the piece flowed very well, I only had one spot that (I think) could use a bit of more work.
1. He tucked the minute object into her and slid back out. - I stumbled here when I came upon the word "minute" was this the word you had in mind here to use or a different word like 'minuscule'
2. He tucked the minute object into her and slid back out. - Again the same line it feels a bit off (maybe adding just a few extra words would help this) ex: He tucked the minute (minuscule) object into her, after depositing it, he slid his hand slowly back out.
The way it's written as is (to me) it sort of sounds like (he tucked it in and then slid it back out) and that is why she is calling him a tease.
I hope what I offered here will be a help.
I look forward to chapter 2, the story so far has me interested, so you hooked me.
Your story flows really nice, your descriptions are ones that you try to picture in your own mind, (something I lack a bit of)
this one here left me at the end wanting more, wondering what happens to Owen, does he change his way and start praying to Father Moon, or does he explore even father into the tunnels, does he discover something that Indigo Hollow will need to know about for the good or bad.
you can take this story and really expand on it in so many different directions.
I hope you continue this story, I myself would enjoy more.
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