Had a great time reading this! I'm new to this site and even newer to the contest. Your writing and rhyming was eloquent and informative. I feel much less a stranger here thanks to you. The way you show us little bits of the other authors in this contest is heartwarming. I can see that you all see to have a rapport. Hopefully one day I can write as you do.
It is a pleasure to meet you and even more of a pleasure to review your work.
One thing of note, and I may be mistaken...
Even if I were to spin a furry of words...
I believe you meant Fury.
An interesting and imaginative story. Well done! There were a couple of points I wanted to make with regards to the structure.
get a better angle to see the red glow was I think a word is missing here, probably the word "what" in between "see" and "the"
It was a pretty red mirrored sphere that resembled a glass Christmas tree ornament that was heavier than its size indicated. Using the word "that" twice in this sentence felt awkward. I would revise it as follows:
It was a pretty red mirrored sphere similar to a Christmas tree ornament, though it was heavier than its size indicated.
Aside from those minor points, I enjoyed your story. Thank you.
The concept was an interesting one, though you seemed to hover just outside the rules of this particular contest. No alien or space related material. This story centers around an alien on a faraway planet. Though I enjoyed the story, it does not seem to fit with what PAC is looking for.
Some of the sentences were confusing to me, for example.
"He's probably not brave enough and may fear you won't beat him only in rocks and papyrus."
There were many 'run on' sentences, where a semicolon would have served well, or even break them down into multiple sentences.
Once you referred to Urgod as Uigod.
The limitations on size prevent us from really including a lot of detail. Keep in mind that each sentence should be important to moving the story ahead. I probably would have written this tale from the perspective of the ship's captain.
I was also wondering why Urgod did not explain himself, what were his reasons for not helping the people?
Creative, imaginative, abnormally good story. I enjoyed this one very much. I love how you slowly revealed Jack's reason for being sad. I was surprised by the age of the girl. Her worry of insanity was a nice touch, though insane people rarely realize they are insane, at least that's what I've been told. The very end, with the Teddy bears was brilliant. The use of different colors for the dialogue was inspired. Overall the best story I have yet to read, though admittedly I am only on my sixth review.
This piece was inspiring, I actually sat here with a dumb grin on my face after finishing it. I wish there was something critical I could give you to help with your work, but I am humbled by this tale. All I can say is the story has a wonderful message, and though I am not a religious person, still found it uplifting. Keep up the excellent work. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/metaltiger
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 8:00pm on May 07, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
